"can it help protect your house from greg paulus, though?" "no, only deron washington can do that."

So, internets, it's been eleven months. Eleven long months, in which much alcohol was consumed and even more UNC football, basketball and baseball was watched, and celebrated, and mourned. We know you've missed us, dear readers, just as we've missed an actual reason to start drinking at 1030am. I promise we won't leave you like that again.


So, 2009, may Allah help us. TJ Yates is a junior, so unless he develops and showcases talent previously unknown to THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNIVERSE, we'll be forced to endure two more seasons of his wretch, wretch ass. If you've been here before, you know 'excited' is not really the word to describe my feelings about this. 'Resigned', maybe; 'wasted', definitely. But I'm breathing easy today because oh, UNC vs The Citadel? Is not on tv. It's not even on local Raycom tv, so, well. There's only one thing left for me to do: I'm going to live-blog Greg Paulus' college football debut as the Syracuse Orangemen host the Minnesota Golden Gophers.


NO WAIT, COME BACK.


There are several reasons for this endeavor, most of which has been forgotten in a beer-and-jack daniels-soaked haze. What you need to keep foremost in your minds is the fact that Greg Paulus, that ridiculous floor-slapping, chest-pounding manchild who was teabagged so brilliantly at Duke it's been immortalized for all to see, is going to be a starting quarterback for an entire year. A PAULUS, STARTING FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. I THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT ME, BUT THE NCAA BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN. If there's a better reason for me to drink, let me know; dex. and I need in on that action like motherfuckers.


I have a beer, I have a spiked coffee, I have some apple pie à la mode. I am ready.


14:53, first quarter:
WE HAVE MISSED OUR FIRST SNAP AND FALLEN DOWN, AND MINNESOTA RECOVERED THE BALL. OH MAN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAN. Twelve seconds later and Minnesota has scored their first touchdown. Well done, Greg! (Can I call you Greg? It's better than the things I called you during the basketball season, trust me.) Awesome. Well done.

13:34, first quarter:
After finding no one to throw to, Greg runs the ball and does not get sacked. A Gopher threw himself at Greg and he jumped over him, and on the next play made the pitch. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

a. (beloved Duke alumni and Greg lover-hater): (this) did make me realize that paulus is the type of dude who cannot enjoy sex because he spends too much time thinking REALLY hard about his next step

Oh god, my life.

11:05, first quarter:
Greg has completed his first pass and still hasn't been sacked. Did someone change my whiskey to water?

dex.: pam ward picking on the paulus is also killing me
a.: pam is just happy there is a bigger lesbian there than her today

We have new across-the-hall neighbors, here in Chapel Hill, and we have thoroughly scared the fuck out of them. JESUS CHRIST, ESPN, STOP SHOWING HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS OF GREG, I NEED THIS LIVER TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS.

6:44, first quarter:
Whilst the referees discuss a flag thrown (Minnesota offsides), Greg slapped a ref's ass. Twice. There you are, Greg! Now you just need someone to put their balls on your face.

5:02, first quarter:
GREG PAULUS, TACKLED. Let me tell you, one guy took him out at the knees and then three more jumped on top of him. IT HAS BEGUN.

:51, first quarter:
We have our first mention of the baby Paulus, beloved of our hearts! Alas, it came with a mention of TJ Yates; the less said about that fuck right now, the better.

:32, first quarter:
Greg Paulus throws a 29-yard pass to Mike Williams for his first college touchdown. I repeat: Greg has scored his first college touchdown. However, let the record show that Williams was standing alone in his corner of the backfield, and the nearest Gopher was at least two-three yards away. If Greg had thrown to anyone else on that play, I can only hope someone on his team would grab him by the shirtfront and slap him in the face.

I will do that to Greg one day, but that's actually inappropriate for this forum.

12:25, second quarter:
GREG PAULUS, SACKED FOR THE FIRST TIME WHILST DAWDLING WITH THE BALL. Shit, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. Just scooting about, fucking about with the ball, and then squashed between two big dudes? Simoni Lawrence and Lee Campbell! Gentlemen, I would buy you drinks! But only if you were in Chapel Hill, and I didn't have to put on pants.

If ESPN loves me, they replay that sack over and over again.

1:34, second quarter:
ESPN has just referred to Greg as The General. 'GENERAL GREG PAULUS', dex. hollered from the other side of the room. Yes, in all-caps. Baby Paulus, where are you and why aren't you bringing me fresh beer?

halftime:
Minnesota 14, Syracuse 20. Duke AND Syracuse fans everywhere are stroking out, mostly because they have no idea what to do with this shit. I'd sympathize, but I'm too busy watching Greg Paulus crash Twitter.

10:48, third quarter:
Donovan McNabb is complimenting Greg on national television. I understand he should do this, as a Syracuse football alum, but good god almighty. On the other hand, Greg has been -- shocking, I know -- playing reasonably decent football.

Somewhere, the baby Paulus is drunk and proud and angry and sad. Yes, all four of those things at once. Yes, I am certain. Well, certain of at least three of those four things.

7:44, third quarter:
Greg takes a late hit after throwing to Mike Williams. Man, Garrett Brown put him on his ass. ESPN condemns such action and granted, it's not very sportsmanlike, but I do love a good tackle. Buck up, Greg, That turf has to be softer than the hardwood!

Someone, take my vodka lemonade away.

3:40, third quarter:

Greg, on Mike Krzyzewksi:

I love Coach, I have a great relationship with him. I've learned so much from him, and playing for him in the last four years. The preparation and the work ethic he has, after all the success he's had, he's the first one in there, the last one there, spending the nights there, watching film, getting us ready to go --

Make of this information what you will. If you infer from this that perhaps Greg stayed the night with Coach K., 'watching film' -- well. Well.

:17, fourth quarter:
Greg sacked by DJ Wilhite and sadly, it's a weak little sack that's basically just a clothesline to the calves that knocked Greg on his ass. AS GREG GETS TO HIS FEET, THE GAMECLOCK RUNS OUT. Jesus.

Now, despite a.'s numerous attempts to explain it to me, I do not understand college football overtime. I'm not a stupid person, but it's like my pickled brain just pfffft -- doesn't grasp what is going on. However, I do know Greg has one more attempt to do some shit, so I'm going to drink water and attempt to figure this hullabaloo out.

OT:
GREG THROWS A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE AND IT IS INTERCEPTED BY MINNESOTA, WHO WINS THE GAME WITH A 35-YARD FIELD GOAL. Oh Greg, losing a game despite his best efforts! This feeling, it is so familiar. Final score: Minnesota 23, Syracuse 20.

notre dame/unc live blog.

It got to be time to just move the bottle and the shot glasses into the living room.

Barths are responsible for all nine of Carolina's points at half time. We miss his brother a lot. And shep. would like Cam Sexton to know that we never resorted to moving the bottle to the living room when TJ Yates was quarterback.

In about four minutes, we're going to be too hammered to type, so please: enjoy this game, and somebody punch Jimmy Clausen in the face at halftime.

ecu/nc state is not a rivalry, okay, espn? sheesh.

The Official Accurate TJ Yates Live Sack Count Blog is on vacation with shep. in New York, but I'll try to put a few thoughts together here and there throughout the game -- if they cease abruptly, it's just because I've fallen asleep on the couch.

9:11, first quarter: The defense (and special teams) continue to impress me as Mark Paschal picks off Tyrod Taylor's fourth or fifth pass of the game for a Va Tech turnover at the Va Tech 20.

9:00, first quarter: Yates completes his first pass to a tight end in Carolina's season, and has thus far gone six minutes without falling down. Greg Little, on the other hand, seems unable to gain any ground running, so perhaps after two wasted downs we go with something else, John Schoop.

7:22, first quarter: Loose ball -- ABC announcers in replay say that TJ Yates fumbled the ball, and the way that he was hit, it wouldn't surprise me -- but it's ruled an incomplete pass on the ground. Seems to be some confusion -- sack, fumble, TJ Yates falling on his face -- and Jay Wooten's subsequent field goal does not appear to be ruled good.

I may have already drunk too much beer to analyze this game thoughtfully.

7:16, first quarter: Okay, it was ruled a fumble, recovered by Va Tech. And then Tyrod Taylor is sacked by Robert Quinn. Our defense is lookin' goooooood this year.

6:42, first quarter: Va Tech calls a time out. Isn't it a little early for time outs, Beamer?

... the Beam just called another time out, and no time ticked off the clock. I would start drinking Jack Daniels -- I bought more just for this game -- but then I discovered that we failed to buy toilet paper before shep. went on vacation, and I'm going to have to stumble to the Teeter to buy more toilet paper at half time, which means I have to be unfortunately sober at that time.

6:35, first quarter: Holding on Va Tech, 2nd & 21 on their on 8 and a half. Our defense is bad-ass.

6:08, first quarter: Mostly I just wanted to type, Va Tech on their own 3, 3rd & 26. I'm not made of stone, okay?

5:21, first quarter: Punt lands on the 42. TV shows Cam Sexton, who is truly a teeny dude compared to some of his teammates, and who if he isn't busy taking snaps (and he's not) could really come over and help me drink beer. TJ Yates throws it away, but at least he didn't get sacked.

Yet.

4:49, first quarter: TJ Yates sacked by Nekos Brown! Loss of 5 yards on 3rd and 10. What happened to last week's pod person? I don't like this TJ Yates.

1:24, first quarter: TJ Yates completes a pass on the third down for the first time this game! Caught by Hakeem Nicks, who is all things to all men, particularly when you equate "men" for "people who help TJ Yates suck less".

0:03, first quarter: Yates hands off to Brooks Foster, who tears downfield before stepping out at the 14. We'll start at the 14, first down, at the top of the second quarter.

12:58, second quarter: TJ Yates, on the 6 yard line on a 4th down, lets the play count run down and we lose five yards for delay of game. Jay Wooten comes on and actually makes a field goal, so at least we didn't walk away empty handed. I curse TJ Yates' name, pray to the Littlest Paulus, and drink more beer.

8:54, second quarter: Va Tech uses the last of their time-outs after a confusing possible fumble and recover by, in fact, Va Tech, which would give them the ball at first and goal. This game has been poorly officiated and poorly filmed; two-thirds of the most interesting plays haven't had good angles on them.

Why is our offense playing so poorly? Our defense -- Mark Paschal, whose name I hadn't ever heard before today, in particular -- has been spectacularly hard-nosed today, and TJ Yates and the offense have just wandered around with their thumbs up their asses for close to 22 minutes now.

(It was a fumble and Va Tech recovery. And a late flag after a hard hit on Va Tech's Evans, who's still on the ground -- but a Va Tech penalty, thank God.)

6:01, second quarter: The trouble with watching football alone is that I inevitably end up talking to the television, since the cats are uninterested in my opinions on TJ Yates.

4:18, second quarter: This has been a terribly penalty-ridden game; our biggest flaws haven't actually been TJ Yates', but rather penalties for things like illegal formations while punting on a 4th down, or the previous play where an offensive lineman was called for holding after TJ Yates had completed a lovely pass for a third down. It could be worse, though. It could be much worse.

3:10, second quarter: Bruce Carter almost blocks Va Tech's punt. Brandon Tate still hasn't touched the ball, on offense or on special teams, returning punts. And in 1998, Carolina football was ranked #7. I have to keep drinking, I can't deal with that kind of world-shattering. What do you mean our football team hasn't always sucked?

2:12, second quarter: Brandon Tate finally catches a 15-yarder from TJ Yates, and gains another 15 rushing.

1:02, second quarter: TJ Yates to Brandon Tate, AGAIN, 32 yards, for a TOUCHDOWN. Brandon flagged for excessive celebration -- at the 4 yard, he dove into the end zone even though it wasn't necessary. Jay Wooten makes the extra point. UNC 10, Va Tech 3.

At half-time, Yahoo! Sports reports to me that TJ Yates has been sacked twice. I apologize for missing the second sack. I probably just assumed that TJ fell over. It happens, you know. UNC has also been assessed 55 penalty yards -- some of them have been stupid, too. I hope Butch reams them out for that over the break.

13:05, third quarter: Deonte Williams picks Tyrod Taylor's pass for the second Carolina interception of the game. Dude's got some ups -- Roy, put him on the basketball team this year.

11:11, third quarter: Another UNC penalty. (I can't take any player named Macho seriously.) TJ's settled, but our O-line is flinching and getting penalties for it, which isn't good. We should be up 17-3 now, at least.

10:38, third quarter: Butch goes for it on the 4th down, elevates, and brings down the Yates pass for a first down. God DAMN, Hakeem Nicks.

9:42, third quarter: TJ Yates sacked for a 12 yard loss. Somewhere shep.'s head just started hurting and she doesn't know why.

9:09, third quarter: I manage to cause injury to TJ Yates with my brain, for which I am seriously sorry, although if it means we get a Paulus on the next series, I'll be unrepentant. Looked like either an ankle or a hamstring that took TJ down -- he's off with a serious limp. Paulus is warming up on the sidelines as Carolina punts to Va Tech.

8:50, third quarter: I'd thank God for our punters if I believed in God. We've pinned them with great field position for us all game.

6:53, third quarter: Mike Paulus's first snap of the game is handed off to Greg Little for a touchdown. My friends, my friends: I believe we have just seen the ushering in of the Mike Paulus Era at Carolina, and I could not be happier.

1:14, third quarter: 95 yards in penalties? Seriously? SERIOUSLY, BUTCH? Fucking do something about that, that's disgraceful.

... So that's what 60,000 people booing sounds like. Huh.

0:39, third quarter: Somebody for UNC fumbles, probably the Paulus, and Va Tech recovers. I make another drink.

12:56, fourth quarter: ... I love Mike Paulus, but I think -- I can't believe I'm going to type this; shep. is going to make me sleep on the porch for a month for this -- I think we need TJ. He's a doofus but he's a doofus with field experience. Hasn't thrown an interception this year, and as soon as he goes out, save Paulus's initial touchdown, we've crumbled since TJ went down.

115 yards of penalties for UNC. I'm going to blow something up.

11:20, fourth quarter: Who the eff is Mark Paschal? How come I've never heard of him before today. He just sacked Tyrod Taylor.

9:56, fourth quarter: So my Jack Daniels-altered thought is that the problem isn't TJ Yates; it's just that there's no quarterback good enough for the football team as there is a point guard for the basketball team. Mike Paulus, you are no Raymond Felton. But I'd totally take you over your brother. I might take you over Ty Lawson, I haven't decided yet.

7:24, fourth quarter: Paulus tosses an interception to Macho Harris for Va Tech. I give up and lie on the floor drinking my Jack Daniels & cream soda through a straw.

6:28, fourth quarter: Tyrod Taylor goes down in a similar ankle injury to TJ Yates. Sean Glennon comes in. I stop bothering to mix my Jack with anything.

1:21, fourth quarter: 4th and 15, Mike Paulus throws another interception. The refs look at the play to see if maybe Hakeem Nicks came up with the ball. My liver starts weeping for mercy.

I think the officials just bent us over and screwed us out of this game. God DAMN it.

FINAL: Va Tech 20, UNC 17. GIMME CAM SEXTON, BUTCH, I'M ALREADY DONE WITH THE PAULUS.

"that car is very homo--" "TJ Yates is in JERSEY, okay."

Hello interwebs, hello. Blogger tells me we haven't used this space in almost five months, and if I could remember most of the spring and summer, I'd apologize; concert season and college baseball were upon us, and we were far too busy driving, drinking and weeping to actually pay attention to the internet. Key word: weeping, because man, let it never be said we don't over-invest in nineteen-year old dudes with aluminum bats. What. We may be alcoholics but we're not made of stone.


Anyway, we're back from our impromptu hiatus, with some drunken wailing if not a vengeance, because the UNC Tar Heels play their second game of the 2008 football season tonight. Against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, on national television -- we would've been back last week, I swear, but they didn't even televise the McNeese State game in Chapel Hill. The Tar Heels haven't won a game out-of-state in six years! Because the Tar Heels are not good football players! Who knew? Apparently this is a big deal and everyone was unaware. Guys, I have to work in ten hours but right now, I have eight pumpkin beers, a National Guard sergeant singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' so sweetly, and a motherfucking sack count to liveblog. Let's do this shit.


14:48, first quarter:
We have: mentioned TJ Yates' lack of football experience (two years of high school ball!!1! TWO OH GOD), watched TJ Yates throw an incomplete pass against the hands of a Rutgers receiver. I: may not have enough beer for this game.


Some unrelated-to-gameplay notes while the Scar. Knights knock us around like high school cheerleaders: there have been several notes in the local papers about UNC's back-up quarterback, should TJ Yates fall down so often I end up killing him with my own bare hands. The two options most debated are Cameron Sexton, junior from North Carolina, and our not-so-secret favourite, Mike Paulus. Yes, he's the younger brother of Greg Paulus, douchebag extraordinaire. No, I don't want to examine it too closely. Mostly, I want Mike Paulus to take some goddamn snaps already, before TJ Yates ruins my life, or get over here and rub my feet whilst I rage.


10:00, first quarter:
Rutgers kicks and completes a field goal. We get the ball back and immediately throw our third incomplete pass AND #6, Anthony Elzy, gets clipped by a Rutgers linebacker and lies crumpled on the ground for a while. See what you do to us all, TJ Yates?

6:55, first quarter:
TJ Yates throws behind #87, man-beast wide receiver Brandon Tate on the 4th down and UNC loses the ball. ESPN announcers spend an entire minute discussing how bad our QB is, I chug some more beer.

5:44, first quarter:
KENDRIC BURNEY, CORNER BACK AND FORMER TAR HEEL BASEBALL PLAYER, PUTS A SENIOR WIDE RECEIVER ON HIS ASS. Kendric Burney is like, a football playing midget. HE WILL HIT YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU WILL FEEL IT FOR AN ENTIRE QUARTER, BITCHES. If we just hurt people until the fourth quarter, I'll feel mostly okay about things. Especially if those people are not me and my liver.

1:05, first quarter:
FIRST SACK AGAINST TJ YATES BY JAMAAL WESTERMAN. Man, that was a whallop.

dex.: ... you know, I don't think most fans cheer like that when their quarterback goes down.

Some guest commentary from our favourite Duke alum (and football enabler):
a.: your offense has like 8 of the pieces it needs
a.: you are missing a QB

And scene, people.

13:26, second quarter:
a.: holy crap you scored.

We have two new kickers this year: Casey Barth, younger brother of former UNC kicker (and tshirt designing bad ass new god) Connor Barth, and Jay Wooten, kicker of UNC's first field goal tonight. Sadly enough, Jay Wooten is not related to Rob Wooten, beloved of our hearts, but he's the only Wooten we have now. Ergo, all our affections, and offers of drinks when he's finally legal.

9:28, second quarter:
HOLY SHIT, TJ YATES JUST THREW A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN. Granted, it was only nine yards to Hakeem Nicks, who can catch like, all things, but it was pretty goddamn lovely. We'll squander this lead before the half, I'd bet a fiver and one of my beers.

4:54, second quarter:
YATES TO TATE ON THE FIRST DOWN AND TATE RUNS 69 YARDS FOR A SECOND TOUCHDOWN. WHO IS THIS POD-PERSON QUARTERBACK AND CAN WE KEEP HIM FOREVER? I promise to only punch the real TJ Yates in the nutsack.

1:44, second quarter:
Kendric Burney caught the ball for an interception at UNC's 1 yard line and returned the ball 35 yards back up-field. Oh, Kendric, we love you best.

halftime:
UNC 17, Rutgers 6. I am stunned. Also, mostly sober!

a.: TJ Yates should get someone to blow him at halftime. it might be his only chance this season.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

12:31, third quarter:
TJ Yates runs the ball himself for the first down and the UNC line puppy-piles him "to show him love for putting himself on the line, and rallying his troops!" Oh, ESPN announcers, I love it when you make gay football jokes for me.

11:40, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, 12 yards to the endzone for a touchdown. Can--can I stop drinking now?

Man, I know some Rutgers students and alum who will be piiiiiiiissed about this game. We watched one flip off the cameras during the first half, it was solid gold good times. Never underestimate the power of TiVo, dear readers.

7:50, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, pass complete for 42 yards on the first down. I take it all back; I have to keep drinking because I refuse to accept this turn of events as reality. HE'S ONLY BEEN SACKED ONCE AND HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YET. I CANNOT EVEN.

4:52, third quarter:
Yates to Nicks, 11 yards for a touchdown.

shep.: TJ Yates has thrown over two hundred yards tonight, for three touchdowns and zero interceptions.
dex.: You're telling me lies. I'm just going to sit here and smell the rubber cement until the world starts to make sense again.

1:19, third quarter:
I wish I had words~ about the phrase 'muff punt', but they escape me entirely. Needs more beer, I think, and less browsing of political polling sites during commercials.

5:55, fourth quarter:
WHAT, DID BUTCH ACTUALLY PUT MIKE PAULUS IN THE GAME?! OH MY GOD HE HAS ACHIEVED FIRST DOWN. THIS IS A MAD NEW WORLD.


... oh, ESPN informs me Mike Paulus aspires to be on 'The Bachelor' one day. There's the wretchedness with which we roll.


AND THE TAR HEELS WIN. Butch Davis, I'd like you more when you and yours stop charging fifty goddamn dollars for tickets. However, you played the baby!Paulus tonight, and for that I must love you a little. Final score, 44-12 UNC.

That's an awful lot of blue in the stands.

The first two Clemson games damn near killed me. If this goes to triple overtime, y'all will be on your own, because I will be in bed with the covers over my head.



All that said: I hope Clemson's rockin' the purple uniforms again today. I find them inexplicably awesome.

20:00, first half: Honestly, I swear that we have not taken a single tip this year. We have not had the first possession of the game in any game that I can remember, and that includes such memorable opponents as UC-Santa Barbara and the Kent State Golden Flashes.

18:58, first half: Terrible turnover by Deon, missing a pass from Wayne, but he got back faster than he has all year and got a block.

18:49, first half: The press trips Wayne up -- he's not a ball handler, which is why Marcus was the backup point guard to QT when Ty was out -- and then Tyler is called for a blocking foul and Rivers drops a free throw. For once. I have a bad, bad feeling about this game. I have a good, good feeling about the way Clemson's playing.

18:40, first half: Breaking the press by tossing it over the top to Marcus for a dunk. Good eyes on Ty's part.

17:43, first half: Quick steal by Tyler, doesn't dribble off his feet, tiny finger roll. Beautiful. UNC 6, Clemson 2.

17:07, first half: Fast break points off the press are going to be important here. That means quick looks ahead, over the defensive players for Clemson, to catch an open Heel under or near the basket.

16:31, first half: Is that two quick fouls on Mays? Or did I hallucinate the first one?

First TV timeout: Good Lord, I cannot live blog this fast. UNC 10, Clemson 8.

14:35, first half: Quentin Thomas, if you foul a dude and have to ask "What'd I do?", stop doing whatever it was.

12:59, first half: Ways in which this Clemson game is already superior to the last two Clemson games: we've led in regulation already in this game! That didn't happen in the last two! And we've made three pointers! That's some magic we don't always get.

Second TV timeout: UNC 18, Clemson 16. Two fouls on Oglesby, which is a tentatively good sign for us.

11:17, first half: Stupid, stupid ticky foul by Ty Lawson on a shot we were going to clear out, and then the press forces us to turn the ball over and give up a three. With two dumb plays and a block, we go from being up 5 to down 1 with another dumb foul on Alex Stepheson breaking up a fast break. Apparently during the TV timeout we put our stupid hats on again, instead of the good defense good press breaking hats we were wearing before it. Clemson 25, UNC 21.

Third TV timeout: My assessment, being neither a baller nor a coach myself, is that this game feels far less desperate than either of our first two Clemson match-ups. We're down two -- 27-25 -- but we're forcing as many mistakes as we're making, give a one or two swing either team's way, Wayne's stepped up big, and Tyler's going to come alive eventually. I hope. I feel better now than I did earlier in the game.

7:22, first half: Whenever QT drops a basket, my heart swells. I am so proud of what that kid has done this year. He stepped up big-time. Huge.

4:36, first half: Tyler attempts to save a ball out of bounds and nearly maims half the coaching staff. Roy got out of the way this time, though!

3:58, first half: Oh, holy crap, Danny Green goes 1-on-3, misses the layup, catches his own miss, and puts it in. Mays responds on the other end. UNC 32, Clemson 31.

3:04, first half: Danny Green picks off a telegraphed pass to James Mays, chucks it down-court over Wayne Ellington's shoulder, and Wayne drops a layup.

2:35, first half: Too many turnovers -- losing it on the press right there was our ninth in the half. And then we go down to the other end and Danny Green chucks the ball not to Wayne but to Clemson. Clemson returns the favor for a three. Clemson 36, UNC 34.

10.0 sec, first half: Tyler goes to help trap, falls down, and still manages to accidentally somewhere else on the floor cause a turnover. We'll get the last shot of the half, hopefully.

Halftime: Dude, this could have been way uglier than it was. Clemson 39, UNC 38. We could have been down ten. That is really, really possible, the way we played. We should be grateful we're not.

18:51, second half: Wayne Ellington has such a beautiful little shot, tying the game at 40. Mays picks up a second foul. Clemson apparently bought all the hairs that Deron Washington cut off. Marcus drops a finger-roll runner. UNC 42, Clemson 40.

18:00, second half: Tyler loses a contact. ("He leads the league in lost contacts.") Ty drives and puts us up four. UNC 44, Clemson 40.

16:26, second half: Tyler gets fouled going up, no call, gets his own rebound, scores, draws the foul, makes the free throw. UNC 47, Clemson 44.

15:35, second half: God, why can we not stop their three pointers? They're killing us on those. Wayne gets a quick bucket and a foul. UNC 50, Clemson 49.

15:16, second half: Wayne misses both free throws but pulls down the rebound on the other end off Rivers' missed three. Tyler powers inside on the other end. UNC 52, Clemson 49. Tyler picks up his second foul at the other end.

12:18, second half: We go up eight on a Danny Green drive and the announcers start talking about how Clemson is "in trouble". Then Cliff Hammonds strips Danny Green for a basket.

11:47, second half: Beautiful over the top pass from Tyler at the baseline to Wayne, for a lob up to Marcus for the dunk. Cliff Hammonds matches, but we out-run them again for a Marcus lay-up miss and a Wayne put-back. Purnell calls time-out in an attempt to change the momentum of the game.

8:19, second half: Ty drives and drops a lay-up for a ten point lead; Marcus draws an offensive foul on Cliff Hammonds; Wayne stands on the sideline and looks like he's not quite sure what's going on right now.

7:46, second half: Danny Green drains a three and puts the Heels up 13. Picks up his fourth foul on the other end, which isn't good, but isn't fatal, either. Carolina 72, Clemson 59.

6:50, second half: Miss a dunk, give up a three pointer to Clemson. Force a turnover, turn it back over, another three pointer. Offensive foul on QT. God DAMN it. UNC 72, Clemson 67.

5:54, second half: Danny Green fouls out. The ACC officiating -- both for and against us, for and against everyone -- has been appalling bad this year. Terrible. Cheap calls or no calls, nothing in between, and in the off-season, A. and I are buying all the officials rule books. There'll be a quiz in November next year.

25.2, second half: Sorry, I had to go stand on the porch for a while so I wouldn't yell at the TV. UNC 83, Clemson 77, Ty Lawson with one free throw remaining. Makes the second. UNC 84, Clemson 77.

19.0, second half: Clemson drops a lay-up and Ty Lawson commits a stupid, stupid fucking foul. STUPID FOUL.

16.8, second half: Dumbass foul on Tyler. Worst called game I've seen in ages. FUCK.

2.2 second half: For the love of all that is good and holy, QT, do not foul the three point shooter.

And scene: UNC 86, Clemson 81. 17th ACC tournament title for the Heels, 2nd for Roy. Bring on the East Region. Go Heels.

"Work on your shot by shooting less."

Digger & Bobby are delightful together, but Bobby with the full Game Day crew is seriously the best thing that's happened to me in forever. Rece is loling! Digger is wearing an ugly tie! Hubert is terrified of Coach Knight! Jay is losing his hair! Bobby is stumping for Georgetown! AMAZING.

Tie Watch #33: Inoffensive. Also, the entire outfit matches today, shep. notes, which it did not yesterday.


I'd have liveblogged Clemson/BC last night, except it sucked. But we're back for Carolina/Va Tech, and we'll be here all day.

19:50, first half: Aaaand we start the game with an offensive foul on Tyler. AWESOME!

19:08, first half: If Marcus is going to take it hard to AD Vassallo, that's a good sign -- dropped a short jumper over Vassallo.

18:11, first half: Great screening for a three pointer from the corner for Wayne.

17:56, first half: Tyler has his eyes up and his hands out today; he's stolen the ball twice already. But of course then Ty chucks the ball across the court for a turnover before we can take advantage of the Tyler steal. The key to this game is more steals than dumb turnovers.

14:01, first half: When Tyler takes his first free throws early, I feel better about things.

13:37, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that wasn't a charge, that was a tackle.

13:08, first half: The only good part of Wayne Ellington possibly being hurt is that the Duke has his leg in Surry Wood's lap. LOL.

11:44, first half: Danny Green drives, drops a bucket, and gets fouled. This game is going to be decided at the free throw line.

9:56, first half: This decision that the Heels seem to have made to play no defense and foul a lot when we get out-rebounded, it is not an awesome decision. Thank God for missed free throws.

9:44, first half: I dislike this court-level camera angle. It makes me queasy.

9:20, first half: With 5 on the shot clock, Ty Lawson drains a three-pointer, backpedals, and pulls down his shorts. PULL UP YOUR SHORTS, L'IL BRUDDER, THEY WILL FALL DOWN.

8:07, first half: I know we are capable of playing defense. So how come we're not playing defense today?

7:26, first half: Deron Washington buries a three and puts Carolina down 8. VT 29, UNC 21.

6:20, first half: Danny Green makes the three-point magic happen. VT 29, UNC 24.

5:44, first half: Mike Copeland makes some 2 point magic happen, and then fouls a dude. Plus-minus stands at zero, score stands at VT 29, UNC 26.

5:27, first half: Tyler Hansbrough always makes magic happen, but then he doesn't block out. VT 32, UNC 28.

3:11, first half: Tyler drops two free throws to tie the game for the first time in a million years. Then somebody for Virginia Tech chucks in a basket without looking. Then Wayne makes a layup. I can't keep up with this crap. VT 36, UNC 36.

1:30, first half: AD Vassallo is killing us. I don't understand why Marcus isn't guarding him.

Halftime: VT 38, UNC 38. It could be a hell of a lot worse than it is. New game in the second half. I have faith (and, thanks to shep., still most of my hair).

18:48, second half: Second and third chance shots don't help us when we don't make them.

12:56, second half: Put it in Tyler's hands, and we can win this game. Keep playing like flailing morons, and we will go home.

5:18, second half: "For the Tar Heels cannot live with prosperity." DAMN RIGHT, ANNOUNCERS. We force a turnover, we turn it over before we score. Jesus.

But as I just noted to shep.: we lost in the ACC semis in '05. We dropped the championship game in '93. I am remaining calm. Calm, and drunk.

3:11, second half: Dear Wayne: that three pointer was lovely. Thank you. I shall consider it my birthday present. Love and kisses, dex.

2:45, second half: Dear Wayne: I take that nice letter back. What the hell kind of motherfucking bullshit is mouthing off to Deron in front of a referee? You, sir, are fired. No love, dex.

2:38, second half: Beautiful put-back by Tyler on Wayne's missed free-throw. And Wayne matches a three. And I go put more amaretto in my drink.

Final: UNC 68, VT 66. HOLY CRAP WE DID NOT DESERVE THAT. Also: that's what you expect from a Player of the Year. Hell, yes. That shot, and the stupidest running motion in the world.

"You have to explain what a moving screen is, okay."

For the record, before I live blog this shenanigan, Digger Phelps & Bobby Knight together with Rece Davis are one of the most delightful things that has ever happened to television. Bobby's lasted two whole days without cursing! It's a miracle.


So, live blog. I have a beer, I have some fruit, it's time for basketball.

Tie Watch #32: It's brown paisley. With a blue shirt. Roy, I'm not sure that's a valid fashion choice.

17:32, first half: Until Toney Douglas just dropped that three-pointer (FSU's first basket of the game, made when Lawson lost his defensive assignment, which always worries me; I'm still not sure Ty is 100%), the most interesting thing that had happened in this game was our at-home discussion of Deon Thompson's socks. We approve of them.

16:07, first half: A turnover by the Carolina guards leading to a FSU fast break basket to take the lead at 7-6, and then Deon getting trapped under the basket for another turnover. Neither is a good sign, but neither is a bad sign, either. TV timeout; time to reclaim the pace for Carolina.

14:49, first half: A beautiful kick-out pass from Deon Thompson (who has stepped up lately, which I approve of, as well as his socks) to Wayne Ellington for a three. FSU 11, UNC 9.

14:03, first half: The thing about Wayne Ellington, which I often forget, is that he's almost as quick in the open court as Ty Lawson. A nice steal, good "guard hands" as Mike Patrick likes to say, and a stupid foul on the layup by FSU. Two free throws tie it, UNC 11, FSU 11.

13:11, first half: I think the inside game is key to this game -- draw the fouls on Echefu and Reid early, and then pound it inside to Tyler, Deon and Alex when it's opened up a little. The pass to Alex -- made basket, plus one free throw -- is a good example of that. UNC 16, FSU 14.

12:46, first half: The dribble penetration -- oh, how I hate that phrase -- of FSU is killing us. The defensive stops need to happen in the lane, without fouling.

12:16, first half: Tyler's turnaround jumper from almost the free throw line is a thing of beauty. UNC 18, FSU 16.

12:00, first half: They didn't call any fouls in the UNC/Duke game, and I think we've had more in the first half of this game (on both teams) than we had in the entirety of that one.

8:27, first half: Sorry, I got derailed by having to go outside and contemplate the Tar Heel turnovers to this point so I wouldn't have to lie down on the floor. But as of right now, I'm not wild about our play; we're having a very hard time getting the ball inside and we're not taking the rare open outside shot. Of course, I'm not a basketball player -- our cats, including the fat one, both have a better vertical leap than me -- so what the hell do I know?

6:16, first half: I was starting to wonder if we were going to need to pay for a basket, but Marcus drops a three from downtown to give us a three point lead and break a nearly five-minute scoreless drought. UNC 23, FSU 20.

4:07, first half: I wince every time William Graves touches the ball, because I know he's going to drop a long bomb, but when he makes them, I care less. After a Mims three, it's UNC 30, FSU 25.

2:20, first half: FSU can run with the Heels, and we're letting them; our rebounding has been poorer than usual today. Second half goals should include getting more rebounds, and perhaps getting some fouls called on Echefu under the basket, because I swear Danny Green just got mugged, twice. Maybe that's why we can't buy a basket. We don't have wallets any more.

After that TV timeout, Roy's coat is off. I REPEAT, ROY'S COAT IS OFF. I have no idea why Echefu is shooting free throws, but at least he only made one.

17:56, second half: Apparently no one wants to score this half; two minutes in and we're holding steady at the halftime score. UNC 35, FSU 28.

16:04, second half: Tyler Hansbrough breaks a 64-minute free throw drought by picking up the third point in an and-one situation. UNC 39, FSU 30.

14:18, second half: I hate it when Alex Stepheson bricks two free throws in a row. I love it when Tyler goes to the free throw line. It's not rocks fall, everybody dies; it's rocks falls, Tyler Hansbrough shoots free throws.

13:08, second half: Quentin Thomas drives, makes a layup. Tyler Hansbrough has picked up at least two National Player of the Year awards, but QT is my Carolina Player of the Year, no questions asked.

12:27, second half: Carolina forces a shot-clock violation with Marcus Ginyard smothering Toney Douglas. shep. sez: "Let's do it in many different positions, Marcus Ginyard!" in response to Billy Packer talking about Lean Cuisine's versatility. Lean Cuisine and your Charlie Brown head and your swishy little hips, you have played like a champ today, even if your box score line rarely shows it. We salute you.

10:31, second half: An IM conversation upon seeing Deron Washington during a TV timeout:

dex.: DERON WASHINGTON HAS NO HAIRS
dex.: WHERE DID HIS HAIRS GO.
a.: maybe Deron sold his hair to pay for that ridiculous necklace he had on

8:58, second half: We call Ryan Reid "The Puncher". (Which is different from Chris Paul, who I call -- with all affection, I adore Chris Paul -- "The Nut Puncher".) Just picked up his fourth foul. Go inside to Tyler.

8:38, second half: Although frankly, Tyler's getting beat on defense pretty badly today; I don't know if he's tired, or he's just not seeing the cuts, or what. And frankly, when you're Tyler Hansbrough, I feel that you can do whatever you want. You want to come over and eat all our food, Tyler Hansbrough, you're welcome to it.

2:46, second half: Wayne Ellington jumper, beautiful; letting Mims get his own rebound and score, less awesome.

2:22, second half: It really looks like somebody barfed on Roy's neck. Wanda, please burn that tie.

1:20, second half: I always, always want to reach through the TV and pull Ty Lawson's pants up. I worry that he's going to try on them!

16.9 seconds, second half: Marcus Ginyard drops a three at the shot clock buzzer. Roy nearly draws a technical foul for "making a point" about Tyler. Carolina wins, 82-70. I go take a nap in preparation for the Clemson game tonight, which I may also liveblog, for the lolz.

"It's national TV, you shouldn't have worn that shirt."

OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP, STEVE LAVIN.


I have bedhead and I haven't taken a shower, but I also have beer and cheese. So it's a mixed bag. Coming up, Tie Watch #19, live blog, and the over/under on Gary Williams sweating through his suit coat!

Tie Watch #19: THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. I REPEAT, THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. SHIELD ALL EYES AND HIDE SMALL CHILDREN.

20:00, first half: What the hell was that violation? I blinked, and the Twerps had the ball.

The color on this broadcast is all weird. Everyone looks fuzzy.

19:29, first half: If Tyler bleeds, I'mma eat a bitch. I'm just saying.

17:28, first half: I can't lie: I love Boom Osby's hair more than just about anything else in the ACC.

I do not love that dunk he just made.

14:25, first half: I know we know how to play defense. I know we can. WHY AREN'T WE? WHERE IS THE RAGE BLACKOUT, ROY?

12:47, first half: TERRIBLE DEFENSE. I might be bald by halftime from ripping my own hair out.

11:29, first half: I seriously worry that Ty Lawson's pants are going to fall right off in a fast break one of these days.

Crowd sounds like they're back in it, which is good for us. I know people think that the Dean Dome is a whine-and-cheese crowd, but when the place gets going -- and it can -- it's not as tough as Cameron, but it's tough.

11:08, first half: Beautiful little steal from Alex on the inbounds. Defense is really it this year, we have the offense -- defend.

9:31, first half: How do you get home-jobbed at home, Christ.

8:46, first half: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US THIS WEEK.

6:46, first half: I have tried long and hard not to complain about ACC officiating, because it is a really hard job; I say that in all honesty. It is a sucky, awful job, with Coach K in one ear and Roy in your other, but for fuck's sake, we are getting screwed with our goddamned pants on today, and I do not understand why.

6:04, first half: Tyler makes his first field goal. Holy fuck.

4:07, first half: So you can call ticky-tacky touch fouls on us all day, and when Wayne gets smacked in the face, it's all-ball? AWESOME, OFFICIATING CREW, AWESOME.

3:05, first half: We cannot hold on to the damn ball today. It's liked somebody oiled our HANDS.

2:27, first half: FINALLY a goddamned offensive foul. CHRIST.

Halftime: My only comment on our performance thus far was a very loud burp. There's really nothing fucking else to say.

I've pretty much just thrown up my hands; I don't know who this team is, I don't know what they think they're doing out there. We've survived this earlier this year, we have, but -- god damn if I don't think we need a loss. I hate losing, it makes me crazy, but that damned 0 is sitting there and laughing at us, and this team -- this team playing right now, right this minute -- needs to get blown the hell out. They don't deserve a number one ranking. They don't deserve a ranking at all.

It was never an if we lost; it was a when. We should be 1-3 in the ACC right now. We're 3-1. I call that goddamned lucky.

"I think we've sunk to a new low."

So yesterday, while attempting to climb over a table, The Roy got tangled in a cord for some piece of electronic equipment and fell down and smashed his head open; he later blamed it on all the "dadgum memorabilia" in his "too small" office. There are so many jokes here, you guys, I don't even know where to start.

Today we face The Amazing Red Blazer of Blindingness at home; I am going to attempt to live blog sans booze, so I hope it's not as close as Clemson. As our dear friend J. said to her husband this week, "I don't think shep. will forgive you if dex. dies of alcohol poisoning." Plus I forgot to buy beer.

So here we are, then. 16-0, facing down 15 straight ACC games. If there was ever a time to cultivate my zen, it's now.

Official Tie Watch #17: Inoffensive. We haven't seen the rainbow tie in a while! I wonder if Wanda burned it, finally.

19:40, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that was not awesome.

19:12, first half: Wayne Ellington, that was awesome.

18:32, first half: Tyler missing free throws always weirds me out.

Also, the Roy showing off his stitches on national TV makes us laugh and laugh. He's like a little kid with battle scars. Or maybe Tyler accidentally tried to eat Roy's brains!

17:47, first half: Dear Len and Mike: Alex Stepheson had a family emergency; Deon has been here the whole time. P.S. Thank you for the apology.

17:08, first half: Well, the news that writhing around on the floor is no longer a travel is good news for Tyler. And Ty. And pretty much everybody on this team. They writhe a lot.

15:06, first half: That pass. I just had a genuine moment where I wanted to do QT. Those are few and far between!

13:37, first half:

dex.: That's not the shirt you hate.
shep.: It's one of them.

13:28, first half: There's pretty much nothing in the world that makes me happier than forcing a shot clock violation. Unless it involves naked dudes in my bed, really.

12:30, first half:

shep.: "Coach! Coach! We tried real hard, we all helped! Did you see, coach? Did you see?"

AND YET: TIP DRILL, NO BASKET. (But Danny does get free throws, the first of which he PROMPTLY MISSES.)

10:30, first half: Beautiful defense, forcing a turnover, plus a fast-break basket and a free throw. Good boys.

9:52, first half: Sidney, you're not supposed to say that on TV.

In a discussion of how Bobby Frasor is going to be a good coach, given his fondness for sitting next to Roy during games:
dex.: [Bobby]'s not allowed to sit next to Roy anymore, though. He's got to sit at the end of the bench. I hope he's making friends with Patrick Moody.
shep.: I've resigned myself to the fact that my wedding is going to be full of wretches.

shep.: I love Roy's interpretive dance.

7:05, first half:

Len Elmore: If it weren't for bad luck, State would have no luck.

LEN. THAT ISN'T VERY NICE.

6:58, first half: I think Sidney's about to stroke out. Poor Sidney.

6:39, first half: Tyler Hansbrough just had an assist. :D :D :D


HE HAS EIGHT REBOUNDS, JESUS.

2:48, first half:

Mike Patrick: If Thomas is scoring, then it's over, isn't it?

OH, SNAP, MIKE PATRICK.

2:13, first half: SHARKS THAT SMELL BLOOD.

shep.: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
dex.: NOM NOM NOM WOLFPACK.

Halftime:

shep.: You feel comfortable with a 30 point lead?
dex.: Yes. Mostly.

I am hurting for State right now; I mean, we have played exquisite defense, best all year, and it's been unbelievably fun to watch, but oh, State. I wanted to win, but I wanted a good game.

10:00, second half: What can you really say about a second half that followed that kind of first half? Not much. We're playing good defense, though not as good as the first half; we're shooting well, though not as well as the first half. It's just ... you know. What is there to say?

"do you know what the paulus is majoring in? your paulus, i mean."

If it isn't already clear, shep. is the calm, placid watcher in this house, and I am the neurotic, flailing mess. I come by this honestly, though: my mother is also a neurotic, flailing mess, and I learned how to watch Carolina basketball from her. I'm a doomsayer, a worst-case-scenario maven, the one in the room who thinks that we're about to go 0-17 in the ACC, despite the fact that we only have 16 games scheduled this year. I can't help it. Something could always go wrong! Seasons rarely end as happily as I want them to! THERE ARE A LOT OF WHAT IFS, HERE.

I keep trying to drink enough to make me zen, except then I end up posting live blogs exhorting Mormons to "stop doing things!!!!!", which isn't the best blogging material in the world.

Nevertheless: I am reasonably well-lubricated with white wine, and I have shouted out some anxieties at Greg Paulus, and we are ready to watch Carolina, sans Bobby Frasor and Alex Stepheson, go to Death Valley to face a very, very good Clemson team. Should the live blog cease midway through the first half, please assume that I have fallen over dead, and send condolences to shep. as appropriate.

Tie Watch #15: I think it's one of the paisley ones. As long as it's not the rainbow one, Jesus. (It should also be noted that this morning, on Inside Carolina Basketball With Roy Williams, The Roy was wearing the ugliest sweater in the history of the universe. This sweater would have given epileptics seizures. Wanda, how could you let him out like that?)

19:30, first half: Dude, I think that Clemson dude traveled. AWESOME.

18:35, first half: Wayne Ellington, thank you for being awesome.

17:22, first half: "He's always strong." YES, THANK YOU, TYLER HANSBROUGH IS VERY STRONG.

17:12, first half:

dex.: ACK. ACK. SHEP. *points at Oliver Purnell*
shep.: That is a ... very orange coat. I still think the Roy needs a Carolina blue coat. It would be ugly, but it would be awesome.

I think this is going to be a brutal game. Lots of fouls.

16:15, first half: Whoever's posting up against Tyler -- Booker? -- is dropping his goddamned shoulder and shuffling through the frigging paint every time he touches the ball. And it's too early for me to have a rage blackout.

(I swear I am not one of those fans who thinks her team is constantly getting home-jobbed, I really am not. I just think we're constantly getting home-jobbed in Clemson, every damn year. I still blame Rick Barnes for this, too, in case you were interested.)

14:49, first half: Shot clock violation. That's a good sign for our defense.

Roy, that tie isn't in and of itself offensive -- but with that shirt, uh, no.

14:11, first half: Booker is pushing the paint around, god damn it.

11:55, first half:

a.: at Clemson, everyone gets home-jobbed
dex.: my eyes are getting home-jobbed by oliver purnell's COAT

11:12, first half: BOOKER JUST RAN OVER DANNY GREEN, AND I AM ABOUT TO START DRINKING WINE FROM THE BOTTLE.

10:05, first half: I totally just broke our corkscrew off in a new bottle of wine. shep.: "Perhaps that is for the best for you right now." a.: "if this game keeps up you are going to need more something."

dex.: "I HAVE BEER."

8:35, first half: Great tap-out by Tyler to Ty. Good boys. I like that motion, that speed. Our defense hasn't been bad this game, but we need to stop fouling. The bench isn't deep enough.

8:06, first half: Random Announcer, "I'm winded calling this game!"

6:00, first half:

dex.: You just missed the best news about Bobby Frasor.
shep.: Did he announce our engagement on national TV?

5:00, first half: THAT WAS NOT OKAY, QUENTIN THOMAS. NOT OKAY AT ALL.

3:37, first half: MIKE COPELAND. AWESOME.

3:02, first half: I never thought I'd saw this ... but these announcers make me miss Dick Vitale.

2:22, first half: Danny Green is a bad ass new god.

0:41.8, first half: GODDAMN IT, DEON.

Halftime: I'm a little more zen than I thought I'd be, but still not enough. Every time we start to pull away, someone (QUENTIN THOMAS) does something stupid. Over/under on Roy's rage blackout at halftime?

16:27, second half: I AM ZEN -- THANK YOU, WANYE -- LIKE AN OCEAN.

14:00, second half: Wayne Ellington is the only reason I haven't drowned myself in the washing machine.

13:38, second half: Seriously, Clemson, don't put your junk on Tyler Hansbrough. It might not be there when you get back up.

The Roy is making a face, Jesus.

5:34, second half: Okay, I can't even.

We're getting so frigging home-jobbed. Up yours, Clemson, you dumb jerks.

1:50, second half:

shep.: I'm glad to see him washing it off, he usually just sticks it back in there!

0:24.1, second half: If we go to overtime, I'm out of beer.

0.00.4, overtime:

dex.: i am breathing deep
dex.: i am zen
a.: told you
dex.: I AM ZEN
dex.: THE DUKE IS ZEN
dex.: EVERYONE IS ZEN
dex.: I AM THE ONLY DRUNK ONE, THOUGH

OH JESUS HOLY CRAP THANK GOD.

I can't lie, I don't want to change the channel from the Georgetown/Memphis game.

The bathtub is scrubbed, the dishes are clean, shep.'s Christmas present is finally acquired (so if Tyler Hansbrough is missing from today's game, well, you know why, sorry, Tar Heel fans, she needed him more), and I have a glass of wine and some chocolate. Bring on the liveblogging!


(No, I have no opinion on the bizarre -- and getting more bizarre by the day -- news about the three Tar Heel football players who were kidnapped and assaulted over the weekend, but I can assure you that neither shep. nor I were involved. I was in Baltimore and shep. was napping on the pineapple couch. Besides, if it didn't involve TJ Yates getting kicked in the junk, you can be sure we weren't involved. That's the only assault we're interested in!)

So Santa Barbara. I think I vaguely remember them from a tournament five or ten years ago, and they all had long hair and tans. I am fully expecting a team full of surfers to face us today, and if I don't get them, I'm gonna be sad.

Coming at 1 PM: the 11th Tie Report of the year. I hope it's something Christmas themed!

Pre-game: Whoops. Tyler's still at the basketball game. Sorry, shep. Maybe for your birthday, when he's out of season. (Also: whenever pre-game talk covers how the opposing team has "one of the great shooters in the nation", I sort of want to throw up. Dear Wayne Ellington: step up today, or I shall put you on notice for no other reason than I CAN, and also I like my blood pressure where it is, not 20 points higher. Love and kisses, dex.)

19:57, first half: Well, that's a nice start.

11TH TIE REPORT OF THE YEAR: inoffensive; possibly red and white checks of some sort, which isn't a hand-painted Santa but could have been worse.

19:01, first half: Dear Tyler: please eat someone. Love, dex.

18:30, first half: Ty Lawson is so fast it scares me, sometimes. That little pick-off was just stunning.

17:51, first half: Ty Lawson, also that was a terrible shot, Jesus.

17:25, first half: In the spirit of the holiday season, I would like to note my immense gratitude to Nike for the white compression jerseys that Carolina wears at home. Good god, that's some hotass basketball player on my team, shit.

16:38, first half: INCREDIBLE steal by Tyler, and a sweet little spin on the dunk. OH, TYLER, I LOVE YOU.

15:34, first half: At the first TV timeout, I'm reasonably pleased with the pace so far; we've had a few more turnovers than I'm ever pleased by, but the defense has been stellar, so that makes up for it. Tyler, of course, needs to get more touches, but he's the focus of every defense until someone else makes them focus elsewhere, so I'd rather see Danny, the Duke, or Ty step up and blow it open until UCSB can't double-team Tyler anymore.

But I'm not the coach, so nobody asked me.

13:57, first half: Ty Lawson, Raymond Felton, Kenny Smith, Phil Ford. God, you know, I don't really think about it? But, fuck, do we have some of the best point guards in the history of the game in our program. Some really fucking fast dudes, too. And I watched that 2005 team like a hawk, and Ty Lawson isn't as cautious or necessarily smart as Felton, but he's a better shooter, and he's faster.

12:44, first half: I need Deon to have a good game. I think Deon needs Deon to have a good game, too.

12:02, first half: Dude, QT has arms. How come I never noticed that?

11:50, first half: Look, I'm actually sad that Roy didn't make anybody barf at practice this week, because I find the news reports after Roy's run people into barfing to be fucking hilarious, but I did enjoy this quote from him today: "I didn't try to kill anybody, but I wanted them to know what a hard practice was. I thought about trying to kill them, but 12 hours helps." I think about trying to kill them sometimes, too, Roy. You're not alone. I think that Butch could probably help you with a support group for wanting to kill your players; I mean, he coaches TJ Yates.

11:44, first half: I miss ESPN's game interface when the games are on FSN or the networks; I like the little thing that tells me how many timeouts a team has left. Also, the tie is more than inoffensive; it's delightful! With a pin-striped suit! And a matching handkerchief! Awwww, Roy.

11:06, first half: Tyler ... missed a free throw. What? WHAT. He made the second one, though, so I'm placated.

9:36, first half: Bad ass new god Marcus Ginyard, let me show you him. Let me show you Marcus Ginyard.

9:05, first half: Fuck, those two steals! Ty Lawson, speedster! Tyler Hansbrough, playing like a guard! HOLY SHIT, THIS TEAM. Tyler has an assist!

8:11, first half: Every time the Heels do something dumb, I find myself shouting, "NO! NO! BAD!", which is what we shout at the cats when they do things like scratch the couch and try to steal nail files off the table and try to eat people food, so every time the Heels screw up, the cats leap about six inches in the air and try to look innocent.

6:22, first half: LOOK, DOES ANYBODY IN THE NATION KNOW HOW TO DEFEND THE THREE POINTER? BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TWO RAGE BLACKOUTS FROM A STROKE, HERE, AND I THINK THE ROY IS, TOO.

3:27, first half: I know we like the fast break, Ty Lawson, but you couldn't have kicked that one out to Bobby for a three instead of trying to toss it in yourself? SHAME ON YOU.

2:55, first half: Somebody just patted Marcus's head, n'awwww. He is such a good defender it scares me. He reminds me of Jackie Manuel, Brian Reese, Phil Ford.

2:22, first half: Also, Marcus is hottt.

1:08, first half: Tyler tossed that in OVER HIS HEAD, BEHIND HIS BACK.

0:45, first half: Bobby, baby, I know you can shoot. I know. I just saw it. DO IT MORE.

Half-time: Half-time props, Deon Thompson, Marcus Ginyard. Great rebounding and stifling defense, respectively. Everyone else has played up to my expectations, but those two have exceeded. Props, guys.

Half-time, part two: Wow, Memphis really beat the shit out Georgetown after the half. Memphis scares the shit out of me, no lie. And not just because I think that John Calipari eats brains. One more undefeated down. God, I hope somebody beats Memphis before the Final Four.

18:08, second half: ... well. This just got less interesting to live blog, though I must admit I'm more comfortable when the Heels are up 30.

16:03, second half: We've reached the stage when I feel bad for UCSB, because there's no way that they can pace or pass or shoot with us, and with Deon and Tyler playing like wing-guards, hands in every passing lane, there's just no stopping them.

14:53, second half: According to the dudes on the TV, we can go deep into March without making a three pointer. I DISAGREE, TV DUDES.

11:10, second half: The TV dudes say: "The LEAD is THIRTY for the Tar Heels." !!!

9:36, second half: HEY, LOOK, A THREE POINTER! And then one for them, but whatever.

8:23, second half: TV Dudes, I do enjoy looking at Deon Thompson! Thank you for sharing him with me!

7:15, second half: We've outscored them 39-2 on fast break points, Jesus.

6:45, second half: What a beautiful catch, pass and score. Props, Ty. Props, Marcus.

5:31, second half: 17 points for Marcus Ginyard, a career high. HOT DAMN.

3:26, second half: This game is pretty much over, but I feel compelled to note: Tyler and I own the same water bottle! Clearly this is a sign of ... something. N'AWWWWW, LOOKIT, JB TANNER, HI, SKINNY WHITE DUDES WHO GET TO PLAY NOW.

And game: 105-70. Not much of a game, really, but I got to see Greg Little score 5 points, so that was totally worth it.

"He's a tiger!"

Right, time for a much less serious post. I have a Jack and Coke, I have an appalling game preview headline that included the phrase "pulsating Palestra" (if you're now as blind as I was reading my RSS feeds this morning, thank the Philly Inquirer), and I have Wayne Ellington's home game. I've heard the Palestra's a real tough place to play, and I'm looking forward to this game.

shep. has informed me that I'm not allowed to complain about how we blew a 20-point lead against Kentucky and only won by 9; this is hard for me, as Coach Smith taught me well to expect a team to play nose-to-the-grindstone defense until the very last minute, no matter who your opponent is or how much you lead (or trail) by. But I do want to commend the guards, especially Wayne Ellington and Danny Green, for really exceeding my expectations so far this year. The swarming defense on Tyler is something I expected -- there's really no other way to shut down a consensus Player-of-the-Year candidate who plays as hard as Tyler does -- but the stepping up of the guards in the face of that defense, that's something I'm impressed by.

So 45 seconds before tip-off, as we were watching Dick Vitale be a douche, our cable goes out. T. has very kindly allowed me to descend on her like a hungry Tyler Hansbrough on a stack of pizzas, and I am now catching up, which means there's no liveblog tonight, guys. So far, three minutes in, I am impressed by Penn, impressed by the Palestra, impressed by our defense, and impressed by Danny Green.

We are neutral on The Roy's tie (Official Tie Watch #8). (Also, from the weekend: Official Tie Watch #7: classy, Roy. We like that one.)

(I also made T. show me the half-time score; I'm more pleased by that than the last score I saw before I left the half. But I'm still not wild about the way we're playing so far, I don't think. I'll be back with a post-game analysis.)

Apparently Tyler Hansbrough wants to consume the basketball. Tyler, that is probably not very tasty, for the record.

A bulletin of no importance.

Just FYI for those devoted readers looking forward to me liveblogging Carolina @ Kentucky in the afternoon on Saturday: shep. and I will be en-route home from Charlotte during the game, because a. and her family have very gracefully provided us with two tickets to Davidson/Duke, so we can check out the enemy in person, and possibly punch a Paulus or two, depending on how many are attending. Liveblogging will return to your regularly scheduled drunkenness for the game at Penn on Tuesday evening.


I can't promise to root for Duke tomorrow -- my father says I should, because it would be good for my karma, and given how many nice things we said about Billy Donovan last March, we do believe in karma here in the CH -- but I will do my best not to root too hard for Davidson, although Steph Curry is the best player I wish was on our roster this year. I shall try very hard to be an impartial observer, which is easier to do sober than drunk. I make no such promises for shep., which is for the best: if I promised she would root for Duke, she might punch me instead of a Paulus.

Be excellent to each other, feel free to text either of us while we're on the road home with score updates from the Carolina game if you've got the numbers, and remember: around here, we root for Carolina and whoever's making Matt Ryan look like a hack. Go Hokies.

"I swear Tyler wears makeup."

Okay, look, I cannot lie: the most important thing about tonight's game is that there will be two teams wearing the Nike compression jersey uniforms on the court tonight.

Well, that, and, you know, a basketball game. But mostly compression jerseys.

Here's your live blog, if you want to talk about what's going on in the game. I promise to be slightly less completely off-my-face than I was Saturday night, plus probably fewer jokes about Mormons. But you never know. Especially about Mormon jokes.

Also worth mentioning before tip-off: I keep meaning to start a weekly point guard report, on all the top PGs in the country, except that after the departure of last year's NBA PG draft class, I don't know who any of them ARE, except for Carolina's three and Drew Neitzel, who I unkindly refer to as the neo-nazi, and Ish Smith at Wake Forest, who looked better when he added six inches to his height with his 'fro. So hopefully that will happen soon, but I'd have to do a lot of reading about it first, and we're driving to Charlotte to see the Duke/Davidson game over the weekend, and I'm not sure when I'll have time.

Carolina has three point guards. There. That's your point guard report for the week.

20:00, first half: And we lose the tip, but force a turnover. Gotta force turnovers to run. Good boys.

Last year Bobby Frasor lost his starting spot to Ty Lawson at the Ohio State game. Tonight he got it back.

19:10, first half: I try not to complain about officiating, especially this early, but Tyler gets eaten up and they call the foul on Deon? Bullshit. AND a foul on Ellington. Um. I'm not real pleased by this, I can't lie.

18:43, first half: Three fouls in a minute forty five? WHAT.

Also: Official Tie Watch #6: that is so ugly I think I'm blind, Roy. Wanda let you leave the house like that?

15:59, first half: That's good defense, Bobby. I still wish we defended the three pointer better, but honestly, after complaining about Carolina's three-point defense for almost -- no, actually ten years, since Arizona blew us out of the Final Four in '97, I don't know how you could defend the three pointer better. It's not good, but how does it get better? If The Roy can't make it happen, I sure as hell can't make it happen just by complaining about it.

15:07, first half: What the hell was that alley-oop shit, Bobby Frasor?

13:35, first half: Beautiful backdoor pass by Danny Green to Tyler, finally.

13:07, first half: DEFEND THE THREE POINTER, DAMN IT, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE A RAGE BLACKOUT.

12:59, first half: Hey, we brought the real QT instead of the pod QT. Awesome. And by awesome, I mean not at all.

8:16, first half: At this time out, I feel it is an appropriate time to tell you that I did, in fact, cry at Jimmy V's ESPY speech, and at his family and friends talking about him. I always will. It's been 14 years. I still cry. It's been five months since Skip Prosser passed away. I'll still cry in ten years, I'm sure.

7:51, first half: Seriously, Bobby, what was that?

shep.: Uh-oh. [The Roy's] glasses are off.

6:25, first half: We can't buy a gosh-darned shot, can we? (I'm trying to keep my language Roy-rated. I'm going to say "friggin'" a lot.)

5:31, first half: DICK VITALE HAS STOLEN OUR NICKNAME FOR WAYNE ELLINGTON, WHAT IS THAT. I started calling Wayne "The Duke" before the season even started last year! I demand royalties.

2:43, first half: "Well, if you don't pass it to [Tyler Hansbrough], he'll go get it himself." He's only 3-11 tonight, which is just -- I have no idea what to do with that. Baffling to me.

Halftime: Tyler's 4-13, and John Diebler can't miss. I have to go ... make another drink.

17:57, second half: God, we just look like we've forgotten how to play basketball entirely.

17:31, second half: Every time I see a guard go down, I think of Derrick Phelps going down in the ACC tournament finals in 1993, and I cringe. Wayne's a little banged up, but I think he's okay.

17:10, second half: Beautiful pass, Bobby. More like that.

Also: back injuries are scary. Scary, scary, scary.

16:44, second half: Ty's out. Wayne's out. Danny, step the heck up.

15:50, second half: It would not surprise me if we were the worst three-point shooting team in the country. Frig.

14:07, second half: Here are some things I am thinking about while trying to be zen about this game:

• Why shep.'s cat is attempting to climb her door frame.
  
• How odd it already looks to see last year's clips of Wayne Ellington wearing #2 instead of #22.
  
• Wine.
  
• Our three-point defense.
  
• Derrick Phelps, one of the greatest defensive point guards Carolina's ever had.
  
• My iTunes library.
  
• Wine.
  
• Wine.

12:47, second half: Bobby Frasor needs a three pointer in the worst way. shep.'s cat needs to stop trying to climb the door.

11:51, second half: The Roy Glasses On/Off Watch: OFF! I REPEAT, THE GLASSES ARE OFF! (The suit coat is still on.)

11:13, second half: ... I think Deon Thompson just passed to himself.

8:17, second half: The Duke may not have scored much tonight -- and Tyler hasn't either -- but they're both having defensive games of their lives, which counts for something. Tyler's shut Costas Koufas down.

6:28, second half: I am so writing Dick Vitale a letter demanding royalties for the nickname "The Duke". Seriously. I have been using that since Roy signed Wayne Ellington. Dick Vitale, you owe me! You owe me a lot! Enough that we don't have to have real jobs! We'd post more, then.

5:19, second half: Ten minutes without a field goal for tOSU. And we play bad defense?

4:30, second half: I take that statement about our defense back. I TAKE IT SO BACK.

3:18, second half: The Duke: bad ass new god. HECK YES.

1:55, second half: I would also like to note: I said earlier that Wayne Ellington has not had a good offensive game; this was a lie. I apologize for that. Wayne Ellington, you are amazing. Thank you.

Tyler just looks lost, though. I don't know about that. He's missed free throws, he never misses free throws.

Final: Carolina 66, tOSU 55. 6-0. That was ugly. But you know what? We'd have lost that last year. For the record.

"he's in london with scott williams being gay."

So we won the Victory Bell and I have been drunk since 12:30 PM and we're playing the Mormons. This is a live blog. Carry on.

18:10, first half: DEON THOMPSON PLEASE NEVER DRIBBLE AGAIN KTHX.

also:

a.: Marcus Ginyard should wear football pads sometimes.
shep.: Marcus Ginyard should wear nothing.

17:01, first half: Dear Mormons, STOP DOING THAT, Love, dex. & shep.

11:04, first half: It is entirely possible we're too drunk to live blog.

Also, shep. just said: I would totally tie the Paulus up. I leave it to you to decide WHICH PAULUS.

7:53, first half:

dex.: I think The Roy got a new suit for Vegas!
shep.: Wanda bought it for him!

You guys, I'm sorry: we're drunk. Very drunk. Somebody come tell us what happened to Ty Lawson.

7:20, first half:

a.: That is the face of somebody who is recently hungover. I know that face. I hang out with you guys enough.

4:41, first half:

dex.: Tell the Mormons to stop dunking!
potter: They don't listen to me, they only listen to God.

11:41, second half:

potter: Just for the record, I'm just saying -- [Tyler Hansbrough] had his face in a Mormon's crotch, I'd say he had a good game.

You guys. We are too drunk to live blog. We're comparing Mormons to shep.'s brother and talking about which Mormons we want to sleep with -- and. You know. I need to go lie down, okay?

"I retired because of syphillis!"

If I had known I'd be forced to watch Daughtry songvids before every TJ Yates sacks count post, I might have re-considered this whole endeavor. And yet, I'd probably miss the shining awesomeness that is the Georgia Tech football team dancing on their field, and many televised TJ Yates insults? Who'd want to miss out on that shit? Not me! Let's ride this ulcer-pony right to the end!


The Ramblin' Wreck, christ. This is your UNC at Georgia Tech live blog. Or it will be, once a) the game starts b) TJ Yates gets sacked c) I put some Jack Daniels in my coffee or d) all of the above. Dear readers, I think you know the order of things around here.


11:03, first quarter:
TJ Yates runs straight into three Tech guys whilst attempting a rush and falls to the ground! Look, I know it's not a sack; perhaps I should rename this to 'Running Documentation of Stupid Shit Perpetrated By TJ Yates, UNC Starting Quarterback'.

7:04, first quarter:

television announcer: He missed his junior year of football, thought he'd be a college basketball player!
dex.: STOP SAYING HE SHOULD BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FOR US, YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD IN MY HEART.
shep.: looooooooooooooooooooool.

For the record: we do not condone TJ playing basketball, although we would support the baby Paulus playing basketball for Carolina because it would be precious, precious like a baby deer. Also, we are secretly angry crazy twelve-year old boys.

14:15, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a pass to Hakeem Nicks and it is COMPLETED, it is CAUGHT WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE END ZONE. My heart, it is not beating.

12:50, second quarter:
Of course, we can do nothing with these nice things. Unsuccessful 2nd down, and then the ball is DROPPED IN THE END ZONE on the 3rd down. Follow this with an interception on the 4th down, also in the end zone, and you have rage blackouts on both the sidelines and our living room floor.

6:18, second quarter:
Let me set the stage for you: the Tar Heels' defense sacks the Tech QB, cutiepie Taylor Bennett, and recovers the fumble. There's a review on the call but it stands and Carolina keeps the ball. dex. and I scream and wave our hands around a lot. On the offense's first play back down the field, TJ misses the snap -- it bounces off his hands -- and Georgia Tech recovers that fumble. Everyone agrees we cannot have nice things. Butch Davis stands on the sidelines and mutters franticly into his headset. dex. and I start screaming again.

shep.: I think Butch is contemplating his own death.
dex.: Is he dictating his suicide note to the offensive coordinator up in the booth?

It's too late for us to start cheering for Georgia Tech, isn't it? Damnit. Colin Peek, call us, okay? Bring Taylor Bennett with you! We canonically love Tech athletes, if not the program itself.

9:51, third quarter:
I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE PLAY CLOCK BEFORE THE SNAP OCCURED AND CAUSE A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY? TJ Yates, put yourself on notice. Do it.

8:40, third quarter:
And then TJ Yates pulls out too fast. Seriously, that's what they just told us, on the television. Guys, if it's on tv it has to be true, right? He pulled his hands out too fast and missed the snap and man, how am I still sober.

7:26, third quarter:
a. shares with me "Just when Notre Dame thought this season couldn't get any worse, along comes Duke and the possibility of finding a new rock bottom" (courtesy of ESPN), and I decide reading about any matchup today that isn't QB ass/my foot is more worthy of my attention than TJ Yates.

4:17, third quarter:
TJ YATES SACKED BY GARY GUYTON. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm actually surprised you made me wait this long, TJ; in the beginning of the season, I'd barely have Firefox open before boypiles on your head occurred! If you were anyone else I'd be impressed, and yet we don't call this the TJ Yates sacks count for nothing.

14:52, fourth quarter:
PASS COMPLETION, YATES TO NICKS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, and then TJ fucks up the two-point conversion by making one of the worst passes I've ever seen, and guys, I'm always drunk whilst watching football. There is some swearing, both here and in Georgia, but at least here we have the option to flip over to the Duke/Notre Dame game. Sometimes you have to watch people who suck even more than you do before you start to feel better about life, okay.

14:20, fourth quarter:
Yates sacked again, praise Allah, by Gary Guyton! They look really cute piled on each other, you know? If Guyton sacks him one more time during this game, I think TJ is pretty much obligated to say yes when Gary asks him on a date later.

8:47, fourth quarter:
WHERE CAN I BUY A CONNOR BARTH-DESIGNED TSHIRT, HOLY CHRIST. I think our kicker wants to be Pete Wentz, and I'm not sure how I feel about this -- okay, that's a lie, I'm mostly really amused by it all. Also, TJ Yates holds Carolina's all-time passing record? Have I fallen into an alternate version of my own life?

5:50, fourth quarter:
Conner Barth kicks in the extra point after Anthony Elza falls into the end zone with the ball and I can't even focus on our one-point lead right now, not while Connor's on the field with that hair growth on his face. Man, we're not going to hold this lead for more than three minutes, I feel it in my drunken bones.

:18, fourth quarter:
Travis Bell, the Georgia Tech kicker, is on the field to attempt a 32-yard 27-yard field goal and take back the lead, and Butch Davis is calling a timeout. Travis, I have to get this out before you break my heart: you are a hottie with a body, despite being only an even six feet tall, and you will always have a place next to me on the pineapple couch. BACK TO BACK TIMEOUTS, BUTCH, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. Attempting to ice a red-shirt senior just seems, well, retarded. Seriously, Travis, you can call me too, okay?

:02, fourth quarter:
63-yard field goal attempt -- Bell's kick was good -- and oh, sweet baby jesus, not even Connor Barth is going to make this bad boy happen. Final score, 25-27, Georgia Tech. Thank you, Tar Heels, for collectively showing up to this one! We're gonna watch Duke and Norte Dame suck like hoovers in each others' general direction now, but really, you guys played well today! You are still first in our hearts.

"Big Ten, it hurts me to have to look at your box scores, on principle."

ESPN's many here-comes-the-basketballs commercials would like me to believe that in November, everybody in the nation is still 0-0 and has an equal chance of making the tournament in the spring, but frankly, by this point in November, half the nation's 0-1 and Miami has no hope of making the tournament anyway, so ESPN is lying to me.

But the Tar Heels are still 0-0, and that's what changes tonight. Yesterday my mother wanted to remind me of the awful slow-down game Davidson brought to the Dean Dome in the fall of 2001, but as that game was 2 coaches and 1 national championship (the Heels) and 2 secondary education degrees (me) ago, I'm trying not to think about it.

It's not that I don't like history, it's just that I try not to let it scare me. (Except in the case of Clemson's Chapel Hill losing streak; sometime they're gonna win here, dear readers, and that always scares me.) There are better things to be scared of this season, after all.

Like Roy Williams' ties.


... Wait, did we ever talk about my feelings on our preseason #1 ranking? I don't think we did. See, I have an intensely troubled -- probably too obsessive -- relationship with a preseason #1 ranking, I cannot lie. On the one hand, I get very upset whenever anyone doesn't vote for us, because clearly the Tar Heels are the best team in the nation. What do you mean, you voted for Memphis? Fie on you! GET OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM. But on the other hand, at the exact same time, I hate being preseason #1. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It puts a target on your back from day, and you know that in the ACC, nobody enjoys it more when they get to beat two teams at once: #1 in the nation, and Carolina. So preseason #1? Makes me furiously nervous, except when I'm busy being insulted that somebody didn't vote for us.

shep. just laughs at me a lot.

Anyway, welcome to the 2007-08 North Carolina Tar Heels basketball season. The Roy Williams Ugly Tie Report brought to you by my Jack Daniels and ginger ale. Everything else is courtesy WWTHD? and the pizza we had to buy ourselves, since y'all didn't come over.

We'll be back with the starting lineup and the liveblog just as soon as SportsCenter stops talking about A.Rod.

18:12, first half: The Official Roy Williams Tie Report, Digest #1: boring but inoffensive.

"There's not much communicating going on, but a lot of balls." Jay Bilas, don't make me come down there and tape your mouth shut.

17:07, first half: Two fouls, two missed shots, and a turnover, Ty Lawson. Congratulations, you're the first player in the 2007-08 regular season to go ON NOTICE.

14:28, first half: I cut people more slack during the preseason games, but miss two free throws in the first half in the regular season, and you go ON NOTICE, Alex Stepheson.

13:37, first half: BOBBY FRASOR, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

13:10, first half:

Tyler Hansbrough: *misses the rim entirely shooting free throws*
dex.: Did he just ... ?
shep.: Yeah, by like six inches. That was.
dex.: Wow.

approx. 10:00, first half:

dex.: Curry just called your tall boyfriend a motherfucker.
shep.: My tall boyfriend kind of is a motherfucker.

9:52, first half: That's two fouls on QT and three on Ty, and we're going end up with Marc Campbell running the point.

It's too early in the season for a rage blackout, but I can't lie, I'm about to have one.

4:20, first half: MARCUS GINYARD, I SAW YOU FALL DOWN RIGHT THERE.

Practically Half-time: So. Tyler Hansbrough, double-double in the first half; The Duke, 6 for 7 from the field; Bobby Frasor, two big shots, including one 3. Those are my winners for the first half.

My losers? Ty Lawson. Ty Lawson Ty Lawson Ty Lawson I hope you Google your own name and find this, buddy. Suck it up, stop making stupid fouls, and play like we know you can, or I swear, I'm gonna come find you, and it won't be pretty.

17:07, second half: This is not an optimistic second half start, guys.

10:40, second half: You know, my preferred method of watching Carolina basketball -- lying prostrate on the living room floor with a pillow on my head -- is not conducive to live blogging.

8:19, second half:

dex.: I mean, even [Ty Lawson], who looks sort of like a fire hydrant, is hot.
shep.: LOL. Fire hydrant.

3:44, second half: One of the Davidson players just slapped his own teammate in the face, and it was kind of awesome, I cannot lie.

3:07, second half: "Curry misses ... EVERYTHING." Oh, Jay Bilas, how so delightfully wretched?

14.7 seconds, second half: "He has great eyes." In Jay Bilas's head, Tyler Hansbrough loves him. I'm sorry that's not true in real life, Jay. But maybe you and JJ could start a support group.

1.4 seconds, second half: The Roy, planning his rage blackout for 6 a.m. tomorrow morning.

0.2 seconds, second half: Danny Green, you were a bad ass new god most of the night, fouling out with 0.2 seconds left is NOT AWESOME.

Final score: Carolina 72, Davidson 68. There were many ways in which this game was not awesome at all. Hopefully when we go up against Iona on Sunday, we won't see any of those. UNC, 1-0, 0-0.

Thanks for coming back, basketball. I missed you.

"fresh from the tailgate party!"

Clearly Allah loves me after all: the Tivo told us all week we wouldn't get the UNC at NC State game and I was sad, but then we were distracted by concerts and dates with dudes and exhibition basketball games, and I mostly forgot about it. However, once again the combined powers of Jack Daniels and Joe Pa have brought me fantastic items, in the form of the 97th matchup between the Heels and the Wolfpack on the gridiron, and I can live to see another day.


Until I remember UNC men's basketball tickets have been on sale for less than twenty-four hours and are sold out after January 1st across the board. When that comes back to me, you'll find me lying in traffic on Franklin Street, but for now I'll work on yet another TJ Yates sack count.


14:11, 1st quarter:
As they sing Yates' throwing game praises (in my opinion, not so awesome), he throws the ball for the first time in the game and it is intercepted. You know, Butch, if you're not using the little Paulus, I'd like to borrow him for a few hours? I can sit here and scream and cry, and he can fetch me cool washclothes and Excedrin and stronger Jack and Cokes.

3:13, 1st quarter:
blogger's note: dex. and I have talked about the Heels' chances in this game all week and right now, after watching our defensive line bend over for the Pack during an 88-yard drive, I have to say, no, no. I do not feel optimistic about this game, I do not believe we are going to a bowl this year. I do believe my drink cup is currently empty, though; that might have a bit to do with my feelings of ennui. Just a little.

:38, 1st quarter:
After throwing a 40+ yard pass to Nicks in the corner of the endzone, a pass that did not end with a touchdown because Hakeem Nicks, wide receiver of our hearts, tripped over a sideline cone and dropped the goddamn football, TJ Yates threw the ball past a receiver by approximately three feet, straight out of bounds. Butch, we're considering sending you a zen sand garden for Yule, but I'm afraid you'll take the rocks out of it and chuck them at TJ's head, and surely the NCAA would frown upon that sort of thing?

9:50, 2nd quarter:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. CHARLES BROWN INTERCEPTED A STATE PASS AND RAN 92 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. ARE WE ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME NOW? IS SOMEONE PLAYING A TRICK ON ME? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

1:46, 2nd quarter:
"FIRST SACK OF THE DAY ON TJ YATES. THERE WAS SOME MAN-ON-MAN ..."

Seriously, I don't even know how to deal with this. According to people who are paid to talk about this shit on television, this is the 24th sack against UNC this season; this one completed by #92, DeMario Pressley.

:19, 2nd quarter:
SACKED AGAIN. TJ YATES, YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FATHER. NC State's Willie Young, however, "went in with bad intentions." Good for you, Mr. Young! I have bad intentions against TJ Yates every day.

8:05, 3rd quarter:
TJ Yates, short shuttle pass to Bobby Rome, 40 yard pass to Brandon Tate for the touchdown. THANK YOU, TJ, FOR PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS. Or to the state of my cardiac health, whatever; it's like you know I start to hyperventilate when you cock your arm back!

9:40, 4th quarter:
I've been trying to pretend the game isn't actually playing in front of me -- TJ hasn't been sacked again, but he hasn't done anything awesome, either, and neither has the rest of the team -- but Kendric Burney, redshirt freshman cornerback and MEMBER OF THE CAROLINA BASEBALL TEAM, intercepted the ball around Carolina's 25 yard line and returned the ball 76 yards back up the field for a touchdown. I'm not going to talk about the current score, because I'll fucking jinx it, more than I have by mentioning it at all. However.

dex.: I like to think somewhere, the Carolina baseball team is watching this game. Because Kendric is playing? And right now they're all flailing their arms, and somebody just dumped a beer on Fedex.
shep.: *chokes on Jack and Coke*
dex.: That's how it's happening in my head, at least.

:06, 4th quarter:
We're in the midst of the best drive I've seen this team commit to all year, they're saying things like 'this is where heroes are made', and TJ throws back-to-back incomplete passes. IS HAKEEM NICKS HURT? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.

:01, 4th quarter:
One second left in the game and the touchdown pass to Nicks in the endzone is intercepted by Jimmie Sutton III. You know, and I wonder why people are convinced I have a drinking problem; thank you, THANK YOU TJ YATES. Final score, 27-31, State.