"can it help protect your house from greg paulus, though?" "no, only deron washington can do that."

So, internets, it's been eleven months. Eleven long months, in which much alcohol was consumed and even more UNC football, basketball and baseball was watched, and celebrated, and mourned. We know you've missed us, dear readers, just as we've missed an actual reason to start drinking at 1030am. I promise we won't leave you like that again.


So, 2009, may Allah help us. TJ Yates is a junior, so unless he develops and showcases talent previously unknown to THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNIVERSE, we'll be forced to endure two more seasons of his wretch, wretch ass. If you've been here before, you know 'excited' is not really the word to describe my feelings about this. 'Resigned', maybe; 'wasted', definitely. But I'm breathing easy today because oh, UNC vs The Citadel? Is not on tv. It's not even on local Raycom tv, so, well. There's only one thing left for me to do: I'm going to live-blog Greg Paulus' college football debut as the Syracuse Orangemen host the Minnesota Golden Gophers.


NO WAIT, COME BACK.


There are several reasons for this endeavor, most of which has been forgotten in a beer-and-jack daniels-soaked haze. What you need to keep foremost in your minds is the fact that Greg Paulus, that ridiculous floor-slapping, chest-pounding manchild who was teabagged so brilliantly at Duke it's been immortalized for all to see, is going to be a starting quarterback for an entire year. A PAULUS, STARTING FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. I THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT ME, BUT THE NCAA BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN. If there's a better reason for me to drink, let me know; dex. and I need in on that action like motherfuckers.


I have a beer, I have a spiked coffee, I have some apple pie à la mode. I am ready.


14:53, first quarter:
WE HAVE MISSED OUR FIRST SNAP AND FALLEN DOWN, AND MINNESOTA RECOVERED THE BALL. OH MAN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAN. Twelve seconds later and Minnesota has scored their first touchdown. Well done, Greg! (Can I call you Greg? It's better than the things I called you during the basketball season, trust me.) Awesome. Well done.

13:34, first quarter:
After finding no one to throw to, Greg runs the ball and does not get sacked. A Gopher threw himself at Greg and he jumped over him, and on the next play made the pitch. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

a. (beloved Duke alumni and Greg lover-hater): (this) did make me realize that paulus is the type of dude who cannot enjoy sex because he spends too much time thinking REALLY hard about his next step

Oh god, my life.

11:05, first quarter:
Greg has completed his first pass and still hasn't been sacked. Did someone change my whiskey to water?

dex.: pam ward picking on the paulus is also killing me
a.: pam is just happy there is a bigger lesbian there than her today

We have new across-the-hall neighbors, here in Chapel Hill, and we have thoroughly scared the fuck out of them. JESUS CHRIST, ESPN, STOP SHOWING HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS OF GREG, I NEED THIS LIVER TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS.

6:44, first quarter:
Whilst the referees discuss a flag thrown (Minnesota offsides), Greg slapped a ref's ass. Twice. There you are, Greg! Now you just need someone to put their balls on your face.

5:02, first quarter:
GREG PAULUS, TACKLED. Let me tell you, one guy took him out at the knees and then three more jumped on top of him. IT HAS BEGUN.

:51, first quarter:
We have our first mention of the baby Paulus, beloved of our hearts! Alas, it came with a mention of TJ Yates; the less said about that fuck right now, the better.

:32, first quarter:
Greg Paulus throws a 29-yard pass to Mike Williams for his first college touchdown. I repeat: Greg has scored his first college touchdown. However, let the record show that Williams was standing alone in his corner of the backfield, and the nearest Gopher was at least two-three yards away. If Greg had thrown to anyone else on that play, I can only hope someone on his team would grab him by the shirtfront and slap him in the face.

I will do that to Greg one day, but that's actually inappropriate for this forum.

12:25, second quarter:
GREG PAULUS, SACKED FOR THE FIRST TIME WHILST DAWDLING WITH THE BALL. Shit, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. Just scooting about, fucking about with the ball, and then squashed between two big dudes? Simoni Lawrence and Lee Campbell! Gentlemen, I would buy you drinks! But only if you were in Chapel Hill, and I didn't have to put on pants.

If ESPN loves me, they replay that sack over and over again.

1:34, second quarter:
ESPN has just referred to Greg as The General. 'GENERAL GREG PAULUS', dex. hollered from the other side of the room. Yes, in all-caps. Baby Paulus, where are you and why aren't you bringing me fresh beer?

halftime:
Minnesota 14, Syracuse 20. Duke AND Syracuse fans everywhere are stroking out, mostly because they have no idea what to do with this shit. I'd sympathize, but I'm too busy watching Greg Paulus crash Twitter.

10:48, third quarter:
Donovan McNabb is complimenting Greg on national television. I understand he should do this, as a Syracuse football alum, but good god almighty. On the other hand, Greg has been -- shocking, I know -- playing reasonably decent football.

Somewhere, the baby Paulus is drunk and proud and angry and sad. Yes, all four of those things at once. Yes, I am certain. Well, certain of at least three of those four things.

7:44, third quarter:
Greg takes a late hit after throwing to Mike Williams. Man, Garrett Brown put him on his ass. ESPN condemns such action and granted, it's not very sportsmanlike, but I do love a good tackle. Buck up, Greg, That turf has to be softer than the hardwood!

Someone, take my vodka lemonade away.

3:40, third quarter:

Greg, on Mike Krzyzewksi:

I love Coach, I have a great relationship with him. I've learned so much from him, and playing for him in the last four years. The preparation and the work ethic he has, after all the success he's had, he's the first one in there, the last one there, spending the nights there, watching film, getting us ready to go --

Make of this information what you will. If you infer from this that perhaps Greg stayed the night with Coach K., 'watching film' -- well. Well.

:17, fourth quarter:
Greg sacked by DJ Wilhite and sadly, it's a weak little sack that's basically just a clothesline to the calves that knocked Greg on his ass. AS GREG GETS TO HIS FEET, THE GAMECLOCK RUNS OUT. Jesus.

Now, despite a.'s numerous attempts to explain it to me, I do not understand college football overtime. I'm not a stupid person, but it's like my pickled brain just pfffft -- doesn't grasp what is going on. However, I do know Greg has one more attempt to do some shit, so I'm going to drink water and attempt to figure this hullabaloo out.

OT:
GREG THROWS A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE AND IT IS INTERCEPTED BY MINNESOTA, WHO WINS THE GAME WITH A 35-YARD FIELD GOAL. Oh Greg, losing a game despite his best efforts! This feeling, it is so familiar. Final score: Minnesota 23, Syracuse 20.

notre dame/unc live blog.

It got to be time to just move the bottle and the shot glasses into the living room.

Barths are responsible for all nine of Carolina's points at half time. We miss his brother a lot. And shep. would like Cam Sexton to know that we never resorted to moving the bottle to the living room when TJ Yates was quarterback.

In about four minutes, we're going to be too hammered to type, so please: enjoy this game, and somebody punch Jimmy Clausen in the face at halftime.

ecu/nc state is not a rivalry, okay, espn? sheesh.

The Official Accurate TJ Yates Live Sack Count Blog is on vacation with shep. in New York, but I'll try to put a few thoughts together here and there throughout the game -- if they cease abruptly, it's just because I've fallen asleep on the couch.

9:11, first quarter: The defense (and special teams) continue to impress me as Mark Paschal picks off Tyrod Taylor's fourth or fifth pass of the game for a Va Tech turnover at the Va Tech 20.

9:00, first quarter: Yates completes his first pass to a tight end in Carolina's season, and has thus far gone six minutes without falling down. Greg Little, on the other hand, seems unable to gain any ground running, so perhaps after two wasted downs we go with something else, John Schoop.

7:22, first quarter: Loose ball -- ABC announcers in replay say that TJ Yates fumbled the ball, and the way that he was hit, it wouldn't surprise me -- but it's ruled an incomplete pass on the ground. Seems to be some confusion -- sack, fumble, TJ Yates falling on his face -- and Jay Wooten's subsequent field goal does not appear to be ruled good.

I may have already drunk too much beer to analyze this game thoughtfully.

7:16, first quarter: Okay, it was ruled a fumble, recovered by Va Tech. And then Tyrod Taylor is sacked by Robert Quinn. Our defense is lookin' goooooood this year.

6:42, first quarter: Va Tech calls a time out. Isn't it a little early for time outs, Beamer?

... the Beam just called another time out, and no time ticked off the clock. I would start drinking Jack Daniels -- I bought more just for this game -- but then I discovered that we failed to buy toilet paper before shep. went on vacation, and I'm going to have to stumble to the Teeter to buy more toilet paper at half time, which means I have to be unfortunately sober at that time.

6:35, first quarter: Holding on Va Tech, 2nd & 21 on their on 8 and a half. Our defense is bad-ass.

6:08, first quarter: Mostly I just wanted to type, Va Tech on their own 3, 3rd & 26. I'm not made of stone, okay?

5:21, first quarter: Punt lands on the 42. TV shows Cam Sexton, who is truly a teeny dude compared to some of his teammates, and who if he isn't busy taking snaps (and he's not) could really come over and help me drink beer. TJ Yates throws it away, but at least he didn't get sacked.

Yet.

4:49, first quarter: TJ Yates sacked by Nekos Brown! Loss of 5 yards on 3rd and 10. What happened to last week's pod person? I don't like this TJ Yates.

1:24, first quarter: TJ Yates completes a pass on the third down for the first time this game! Caught by Hakeem Nicks, who is all things to all men, particularly when you equate "men" for "people who help TJ Yates suck less".

0:03, first quarter: Yates hands off to Brooks Foster, who tears downfield before stepping out at the 14. We'll start at the 14, first down, at the top of the second quarter.

12:58, second quarter: TJ Yates, on the 6 yard line on a 4th down, lets the play count run down and we lose five yards for delay of game. Jay Wooten comes on and actually makes a field goal, so at least we didn't walk away empty handed. I curse TJ Yates' name, pray to the Littlest Paulus, and drink more beer.

8:54, second quarter: Va Tech uses the last of their time-outs after a confusing possible fumble and recover by, in fact, Va Tech, which would give them the ball at first and goal. This game has been poorly officiated and poorly filmed; two-thirds of the most interesting plays haven't had good angles on them.

Why is our offense playing so poorly? Our defense -- Mark Paschal, whose name I hadn't ever heard before today, in particular -- has been spectacularly hard-nosed today, and TJ Yates and the offense have just wandered around with their thumbs up their asses for close to 22 minutes now.

(It was a fumble and Va Tech recovery. And a late flag after a hard hit on Va Tech's Evans, who's still on the ground -- but a Va Tech penalty, thank God.)

6:01, second quarter: The trouble with watching football alone is that I inevitably end up talking to the television, since the cats are uninterested in my opinions on TJ Yates.

4:18, second quarter: This has been a terribly penalty-ridden game; our biggest flaws haven't actually been TJ Yates', but rather penalties for things like illegal formations while punting on a 4th down, or the previous play where an offensive lineman was called for holding after TJ Yates had completed a lovely pass for a third down. It could be worse, though. It could be much worse.

3:10, second quarter: Bruce Carter almost blocks Va Tech's punt. Brandon Tate still hasn't touched the ball, on offense or on special teams, returning punts. And in 1998, Carolina football was ranked #7. I have to keep drinking, I can't deal with that kind of world-shattering. What do you mean our football team hasn't always sucked?

2:12, second quarter: Brandon Tate finally catches a 15-yarder from TJ Yates, and gains another 15 rushing.

1:02, second quarter: TJ Yates to Brandon Tate, AGAIN, 32 yards, for a TOUCHDOWN. Brandon flagged for excessive celebration -- at the 4 yard, he dove into the end zone even though it wasn't necessary. Jay Wooten makes the extra point. UNC 10, Va Tech 3.

At half-time, Yahoo! Sports reports to me that TJ Yates has been sacked twice. I apologize for missing the second sack. I probably just assumed that TJ fell over. It happens, you know. UNC has also been assessed 55 penalty yards -- some of them have been stupid, too. I hope Butch reams them out for that over the break.

13:05, third quarter: Deonte Williams picks Tyrod Taylor's pass for the second Carolina interception of the game. Dude's got some ups -- Roy, put him on the basketball team this year.

11:11, third quarter: Another UNC penalty. (I can't take any player named Macho seriously.) TJ's settled, but our O-line is flinching and getting penalties for it, which isn't good. We should be up 17-3 now, at least.

10:38, third quarter: Butch goes for it on the 4th down, elevates, and brings down the Yates pass for a first down. God DAMN, Hakeem Nicks.

9:42, third quarter: TJ Yates sacked for a 12 yard loss. Somewhere shep.'s head just started hurting and she doesn't know why.

9:09, third quarter: I manage to cause injury to TJ Yates with my brain, for which I am seriously sorry, although if it means we get a Paulus on the next series, I'll be unrepentant. Looked like either an ankle or a hamstring that took TJ down -- he's off with a serious limp. Paulus is warming up on the sidelines as Carolina punts to Va Tech.

8:50, third quarter: I'd thank God for our punters if I believed in God. We've pinned them with great field position for us all game.

6:53, third quarter: Mike Paulus's first snap of the game is handed off to Greg Little for a touchdown. My friends, my friends: I believe we have just seen the ushering in of the Mike Paulus Era at Carolina, and I could not be happier.

1:14, third quarter: 95 yards in penalties? Seriously? SERIOUSLY, BUTCH? Fucking do something about that, that's disgraceful.

... So that's what 60,000 people booing sounds like. Huh.

0:39, third quarter: Somebody for UNC fumbles, probably the Paulus, and Va Tech recovers. I make another drink.

12:56, fourth quarter: ... I love Mike Paulus, but I think -- I can't believe I'm going to type this; shep. is going to make me sleep on the porch for a month for this -- I think we need TJ. He's a doofus but he's a doofus with field experience. Hasn't thrown an interception this year, and as soon as he goes out, save Paulus's initial touchdown, we've crumbled since TJ went down.

115 yards of penalties for UNC. I'm going to blow something up.

11:20, fourth quarter: Who the eff is Mark Paschal? How come I've never heard of him before today. He just sacked Tyrod Taylor.

9:56, fourth quarter: So my Jack Daniels-altered thought is that the problem isn't TJ Yates; it's just that there's no quarterback good enough for the football team as there is a point guard for the basketball team. Mike Paulus, you are no Raymond Felton. But I'd totally take you over your brother. I might take you over Ty Lawson, I haven't decided yet.

7:24, fourth quarter: Paulus tosses an interception to Macho Harris for Va Tech. I give up and lie on the floor drinking my Jack Daniels & cream soda through a straw.

6:28, fourth quarter: Tyrod Taylor goes down in a similar ankle injury to TJ Yates. Sean Glennon comes in. I stop bothering to mix my Jack with anything.

1:21, fourth quarter: 4th and 15, Mike Paulus throws another interception. The refs look at the play to see if maybe Hakeem Nicks came up with the ball. My liver starts weeping for mercy.

I think the officials just bent us over and screwed us out of this game. God DAMN it.

FINAL: Va Tech 20, UNC 17. GIMME CAM SEXTON, BUTCH, I'M ALREADY DONE WITH THE PAULUS.

"that car is very homo--" "TJ Yates is in JERSEY, okay."

Hello interwebs, hello. Blogger tells me we haven't used this space in almost five months, and if I could remember most of the spring and summer, I'd apologize; concert season and college baseball were upon us, and we were far too busy driving, drinking and weeping to actually pay attention to the internet. Key word: weeping, because man, let it never be said we don't over-invest in nineteen-year old dudes with aluminum bats. What. We may be alcoholics but we're not made of stone.


Anyway, we're back from our impromptu hiatus, with some drunken wailing if not a vengeance, because the UNC Tar Heels play their second game of the 2008 football season tonight. Against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, on national television -- we would've been back last week, I swear, but they didn't even televise the McNeese State game in Chapel Hill. The Tar Heels haven't won a game out-of-state in six years! Because the Tar Heels are not good football players! Who knew? Apparently this is a big deal and everyone was unaware. Guys, I have to work in ten hours but right now, I have eight pumpkin beers, a National Guard sergeant singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' so sweetly, and a motherfucking sack count to liveblog. Let's do this shit.


14:48, first quarter:
We have: mentioned TJ Yates' lack of football experience (two years of high school ball!!1! TWO OH GOD), watched TJ Yates throw an incomplete pass against the hands of a Rutgers receiver. I: may not have enough beer for this game.


Some unrelated-to-gameplay notes while the Scar. Knights knock us around like high school cheerleaders: there have been several notes in the local papers about UNC's back-up quarterback, should TJ Yates fall down so often I end up killing him with my own bare hands. The two options most debated are Cameron Sexton, junior from North Carolina, and our not-so-secret favourite, Mike Paulus. Yes, he's the younger brother of Greg Paulus, douchebag extraordinaire. No, I don't want to examine it too closely. Mostly, I want Mike Paulus to take some goddamn snaps already, before TJ Yates ruins my life, or get over here and rub my feet whilst I rage.


10:00, first quarter:
Rutgers kicks and completes a field goal. We get the ball back and immediately throw our third incomplete pass AND #6, Anthony Elzy, gets clipped by a Rutgers linebacker and lies crumpled on the ground for a while. See what you do to us all, TJ Yates?

6:55, first quarter:
TJ Yates throws behind #87, man-beast wide receiver Brandon Tate on the 4th down and UNC loses the ball. ESPN announcers spend an entire minute discussing how bad our QB is, I chug some more beer.

5:44, first quarter:
KENDRIC BURNEY, CORNER BACK AND FORMER TAR HEEL BASEBALL PLAYER, PUTS A SENIOR WIDE RECEIVER ON HIS ASS. Kendric Burney is like, a football playing midget. HE WILL HIT YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU WILL FEEL IT FOR AN ENTIRE QUARTER, BITCHES. If we just hurt people until the fourth quarter, I'll feel mostly okay about things. Especially if those people are not me and my liver.

1:05, first quarter:
FIRST SACK AGAINST TJ YATES BY JAMAAL WESTERMAN. Man, that was a whallop.

dex.: ... you know, I don't think most fans cheer like that when their quarterback goes down.

Some guest commentary from our favourite Duke alum (and football enabler):
a.: your offense has like 8 of the pieces it needs
a.: you are missing a QB

And scene, people.

13:26, second quarter:
a.: holy crap you scored.

We have two new kickers this year: Casey Barth, younger brother of former UNC kicker (and tshirt designing bad ass new god) Connor Barth, and Jay Wooten, kicker of UNC's first field goal tonight. Sadly enough, Jay Wooten is not related to Rob Wooten, beloved of our hearts, but he's the only Wooten we have now. Ergo, all our affections, and offers of drinks when he's finally legal.

9:28, second quarter:
HOLY SHIT, TJ YATES JUST THREW A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN. Granted, it was only nine yards to Hakeem Nicks, who can catch like, all things, but it was pretty goddamn lovely. We'll squander this lead before the half, I'd bet a fiver and one of my beers.

4:54, second quarter:
YATES TO TATE ON THE FIRST DOWN AND TATE RUNS 69 YARDS FOR A SECOND TOUCHDOWN. WHO IS THIS POD-PERSON QUARTERBACK AND CAN WE KEEP HIM FOREVER? I promise to only punch the real TJ Yates in the nutsack.

1:44, second quarter:
Kendric Burney caught the ball for an interception at UNC's 1 yard line and returned the ball 35 yards back up-field. Oh, Kendric, we love you best.

halftime:
UNC 17, Rutgers 6. I am stunned. Also, mostly sober!

a.: TJ Yates should get someone to blow him at halftime. it might be his only chance this season.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

12:31, third quarter:
TJ Yates runs the ball himself for the first down and the UNC line puppy-piles him "to show him love for putting himself on the line, and rallying his troops!" Oh, ESPN announcers, I love it when you make gay football jokes for me.

11:40, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, 12 yards to the endzone for a touchdown. Can--can I stop drinking now?

Man, I know some Rutgers students and alum who will be piiiiiiiissed about this game. We watched one flip off the cameras during the first half, it was solid gold good times. Never underestimate the power of TiVo, dear readers.

7:50, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, pass complete for 42 yards on the first down. I take it all back; I have to keep drinking because I refuse to accept this turn of events as reality. HE'S ONLY BEEN SACKED ONCE AND HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YET. I CANNOT EVEN.

4:52, third quarter:
Yates to Nicks, 11 yards for a touchdown.

shep.: TJ Yates has thrown over two hundred yards tonight, for three touchdowns and zero interceptions.
dex.: You're telling me lies. I'm just going to sit here and smell the rubber cement until the world starts to make sense again.

1:19, third quarter:
I wish I had words~ about the phrase 'muff punt', but they escape me entirely. Needs more beer, I think, and less browsing of political polling sites during commercials.

5:55, fourth quarter:
WHAT, DID BUTCH ACTUALLY PUT MIKE PAULUS IN THE GAME?! OH MY GOD HE HAS ACHIEVED FIRST DOWN. THIS IS A MAD NEW WORLD.


... oh, ESPN informs me Mike Paulus aspires to be on 'The Bachelor' one day. There's the wretchedness with which we roll.


AND THE TAR HEELS WIN. Butch Davis, I'd like you more when you and yours stop charging fifty goddamn dollars for tickets. However, you played the baby!Paulus tonight, and for that I must love you a little. Final score, 44-12 UNC.

"It's just that I expect to win."

(Lyrics available here.)

Ryan Parker, in addition to being a genius, is also a Kentucky fan, so before I am dogpiled by UK fans for having the nerve to keep picking on the Wildcats, in my defense, your own fans are starting to turn on Gillispie. I'm just sayin', is all.

(Happy New Year to all eight of our beloved readers. Now that shep. and I have recovered from two straight weeks of drinking, we'll be back to tip off the ACC season with a depleted Carolina team heading down to Death Valley to face Clemson tomorrow night. I'll have booze, shep. will have cutting wit, and we'll both have a live blog, tipping off at 7:30.)

"seriously, stop saying the Beast Fister!"

Some random things I'd rather talk about, as opposed to thinking about Bobby Frasor leaving during the second half of tonight's Nevada/North Carolina game with a torn ACL (three words, dear readers: oh. my. god. Or four; BRING ME ANOTHER DRINK.):

• Tyler Hansbrough's uncle, Sean 'The Beast' Fister. What. Okay, so maybe I'm actually twelve years old, and maybe I made many, many inappropriate jokes about alternative sexual practices every time the ESPN announcers said his name. Not that there's anything wrong with fisting, of course. I'm just saying, that is one big dude.
  
  
• Roger Clemens hiring investigators to discredit Brian McNamee, the dude who told George Mitchell he injected the tub of lard and 'roids with steroids and HGH on multiple occasions (while he was in Toronto, and again when he played for New York). My amusement at these shenanigans is never-ending; mostly because I can't stop thinking, maybe Andy Pettitte was around whilst Clemens was being shot in the ass with steroids! And then, maybe they kissed. Awwww. That's true love, baby.
  
  
• Mark Prior signing a one-year contract with the San Diego Padres. We love Mark Prior, here at WWTHD? -- at least I do, because I'm not a Cubs fan; however, I'm fairly certain Tyler Hansbrough would not love him because he's a big whiny bitch -- but we love the Padres more and man, San Diego, what are you doing? MARK PRIOR'S ELBOW IS MADE OF GLASS. WASN'T THAT PROVEN SCIENTIFICALLY AT SOME POINT? We discussed this acquisition tonight, over beer and roasted potatoes, and I think our feelings were best summarized when dex. turned to me and said, "remember, in high school, when your mom told you getting pregnant would ruin your life? I'm pretty sure Mark Prior is the Padres' teenage pregnancy." Truer words, my friends.
  
  
• TORN ACL. TORN ACL. TORN ACL. SEASON-ENDING SURGERY. TORN ACL. Alright, so Bobby Frasor is also made of glass, and I might be incapable of thinking about anything else until sometime well into 2008. I have here a straight razer and a bottle of gin, I stop cutting when the gin's all gone.

"he's in london with scott williams being gay."

So we won the Victory Bell and I have been drunk since 12:30 PM and we're playing the Mormons. This is a live blog. Carry on.

18:10, first half: DEON THOMPSON PLEASE NEVER DRIBBLE AGAIN KTHX.

also:

a.: Marcus Ginyard should wear football pads sometimes.
shep.: Marcus Ginyard should wear nothing.

17:01, first half: Dear Mormons, STOP DOING THAT, Love, dex. & shep.

11:04, first half: It is entirely possible we're too drunk to live blog.

Also, shep. just said: I would totally tie the Paulus up. I leave it to you to decide WHICH PAULUS.

7:53, first half:

dex.: I think The Roy got a new suit for Vegas!
shep.: Wanda bought it for him!

You guys, I'm sorry: we're drunk. Very drunk. Somebody come tell us what happened to Ty Lawson.

7:20, first half:

a.: That is the face of somebody who is recently hungover. I know that face. I hang out with you guys enough.

4:41, first half:

dex.: Tell the Mormons to stop dunking!
potter: They don't listen to me, they only listen to God.

11:41, second half:

potter: Just for the record, I'm just saying -- [Tyler Hansbrough] had his face in a Mormon's crotch, I'd say he had a good game.

You guys. We are too drunk to live blog. We're comparing Mormons to shep.'s brother and talking about which Mormons we want to sleep with -- and. You know. I need to go lie down, okay?

"I retired because of syphillis!"

If I had known I'd be forced to watch Daughtry songvids before every TJ Yates sacks count post, I might have re-considered this whole endeavor. And yet, I'd probably miss the shining awesomeness that is the Georgia Tech football team dancing on their field, and many televised TJ Yates insults? Who'd want to miss out on that shit? Not me! Let's ride this ulcer-pony right to the end!


The Ramblin' Wreck, christ. This is your UNC at Georgia Tech live blog. Or it will be, once a) the game starts b) TJ Yates gets sacked c) I put some Jack Daniels in my coffee or d) all of the above. Dear readers, I think you know the order of things around here.


11:03, first quarter:
TJ Yates runs straight into three Tech guys whilst attempting a rush and falls to the ground! Look, I know it's not a sack; perhaps I should rename this to 'Running Documentation of Stupid Shit Perpetrated By TJ Yates, UNC Starting Quarterback'.

7:04, first quarter:

television announcer: He missed his junior year of football, thought he'd be a college basketball player!
dex.: STOP SAYING HE SHOULD BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FOR US, YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD IN MY HEART.
shep.: looooooooooooooooooooool.

For the record: we do not condone TJ playing basketball, although we would support the baby Paulus playing basketball for Carolina because it would be precious, precious like a baby deer. Also, we are secretly angry crazy twelve-year old boys.

14:15, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a pass to Hakeem Nicks and it is COMPLETED, it is CAUGHT WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE END ZONE. My heart, it is not beating.

12:50, second quarter:
Of course, we can do nothing with these nice things. Unsuccessful 2nd down, and then the ball is DROPPED IN THE END ZONE on the 3rd down. Follow this with an interception on the 4th down, also in the end zone, and you have rage blackouts on both the sidelines and our living room floor.

6:18, second quarter:
Let me set the stage for you: the Tar Heels' defense sacks the Tech QB, cutiepie Taylor Bennett, and recovers the fumble. There's a review on the call but it stands and Carolina keeps the ball. dex. and I scream and wave our hands around a lot. On the offense's first play back down the field, TJ misses the snap -- it bounces off his hands -- and Georgia Tech recovers that fumble. Everyone agrees we cannot have nice things. Butch Davis stands on the sidelines and mutters franticly into his headset. dex. and I start screaming again.

shep.: I think Butch is contemplating his own death.
dex.: Is he dictating his suicide note to the offensive coordinator up in the booth?

It's too late for us to start cheering for Georgia Tech, isn't it? Damnit. Colin Peek, call us, okay? Bring Taylor Bennett with you! We canonically love Tech athletes, if not the program itself.

9:51, third quarter:
I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE PLAY CLOCK BEFORE THE SNAP OCCURED AND CAUSE A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY? TJ Yates, put yourself on notice. Do it.

8:40, third quarter:
And then TJ Yates pulls out too fast. Seriously, that's what they just told us, on the television. Guys, if it's on tv it has to be true, right? He pulled his hands out too fast and missed the snap and man, how am I still sober.

7:26, third quarter:
a. shares with me "Just when Notre Dame thought this season couldn't get any worse, along comes Duke and the possibility of finding a new rock bottom" (courtesy of ESPN), and I decide reading about any matchup today that isn't QB ass/my foot is more worthy of my attention than TJ Yates.

4:17, third quarter:
TJ YATES SACKED BY GARY GUYTON. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm actually surprised you made me wait this long, TJ; in the beginning of the season, I'd barely have Firefox open before boypiles on your head occurred! If you were anyone else I'd be impressed, and yet we don't call this the TJ Yates sacks count for nothing.

14:52, fourth quarter:
PASS COMPLETION, YATES TO NICKS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, and then TJ fucks up the two-point conversion by making one of the worst passes I've ever seen, and guys, I'm always drunk whilst watching football. There is some swearing, both here and in Georgia, but at least here we have the option to flip over to the Duke/Notre Dame game. Sometimes you have to watch people who suck even more than you do before you start to feel better about life, okay.

14:20, fourth quarter:
Yates sacked again, praise Allah, by Gary Guyton! They look really cute piled on each other, you know? If Guyton sacks him one more time during this game, I think TJ is pretty much obligated to say yes when Gary asks him on a date later.

8:47, fourth quarter:
WHERE CAN I BUY A CONNOR BARTH-DESIGNED TSHIRT, HOLY CHRIST. I think our kicker wants to be Pete Wentz, and I'm not sure how I feel about this -- okay, that's a lie, I'm mostly really amused by it all. Also, TJ Yates holds Carolina's all-time passing record? Have I fallen into an alternate version of my own life?

5:50, fourth quarter:
Conner Barth kicks in the extra point after Anthony Elza falls into the end zone with the ball and I can't even focus on our one-point lead right now, not while Connor's on the field with that hair growth on his face. Man, we're not going to hold this lead for more than three minutes, I feel it in my drunken bones.

:18, fourth quarter:
Travis Bell, the Georgia Tech kicker, is on the field to attempt a 32-yard 27-yard field goal and take back the lead, and Butch Davis is calling a timeout. Travis, I have to get this out before you break my heart: you are a hottie with a body, despite being only an even six feet tall, and you will always have a place next to me on the pineapple couch. BACK TO BACK TIMEOUTS, BUTCH, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. Attempting to ice a red-shirt senior just seems, well, retarded. Seriously, Travis, you can call me too, okay?

:02, fourth quarter:
63-yard field goal attempt -- Bell's kick was good -- and oh, sweet baby jesus, not even Connor Barth is going to make this bad boy happen. Final score, 25-27, Georgia Tech. Thank you, Tar Heels, for collectively showing up to this one! We're gonna watch Duke and Norte Dame suck like hoovers in each others' general direction now, but really, you guys played well today! You are still first in our hearts.

"fresh from the tailgate party!"

Clearly Allah loves me after all: the Tivo told us all week we wouldn't get the UNC at NC State game and I was sad, but then we were distracted by concerts and dates with dudes and exhibition basketball games, and I mostly forgot about it. However, once again the combined powers of Jack Daniels and Joe Pa have brought me fantastic items, in the form of the 97th matchup between the Heels and the Wolfpack on the gridiron, and I can live to see another day.


Until I remember UNC men's basketball tickets have been on sale for less than twenty-four hours and are sold out after January 1st across the board. When that comes back to me, you'll find me lying in traffic on Franklin Street, but for now I'll work on yet another TJ Yates sack count.


14:11, 1st quarter:
As they sing Yates' throwing game praises (in my opinion, not so awesome), he throws the ball for the first time in the game and it is intercepted. You know, Butch, if you're not using the little Paulus, I'd like to borrow him for a few hours? I can sit here and scream and cry, and he can fetch me cool washclothes and Excedrin and stronger Jack and Cokes.

3:13, 1st quarter:
blogger's note: dex. and I have talked about the Heels' chances in this game all week and right now, after watching our defensive line bend over for the Pack during an 88-yard drive, I have to say, no, no. I do not feel optimistic about this game, I do not believe we are going to a bowl this year. I do believe my drink cup is currently empty, though; that might have a bit to do with my feelings of ennui. Just a little.

:38, 1st quarter:
After throwing a 40+ yard pass to Nicks in the corner of the endzone, a pass that did not end with a touchdown because Hakeem Nicks, wide receiver of our hearts, tripped over a sideline cone and dropped the goddamn football, TJ Yates threw the ball past a receiver by approximately three feet, straight out of bounds. Butch, we're considering sending you a zen sand garden for Yule, but I'm afraid you'll take the rocks out of it and chuck them at TJ's head, and surely the NCAA would frown upon that sort of thing?

9:50, 2nd quarter:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. CHARLES BROWN INTERCEPTED A STATE PASS AND RAN 92 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. ARE WE ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME NOW? IS SOMEONE PLAYING A TRICK ON ME? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

1:46, 2nd quarter:
"FIRST SACK OF THE DAY ON TJ YATES. THERE WAS SOME MAN-ON-MAN ..."

Seriously, I don't even know how to deal with this. According to people who are paid to talk about this shit on television, this is the 24th sack against UNC this season; this one completed by #92, DeMario Pressley.

:19, 2nd quarter:
SACKED AGAIN. TJ YATES, YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FATHER. NC State's Willie Young, however, "went in with bad intentions." Good for you, Mr. Young! I have bad intentions against TJ Yates every day.

8:05, 3rd quarter:
TJ Yates, short shuttle pass to Bobby Rome, 40 yard pass to Brandon Tate for the touchdown. THANK YOU, TJ, FOR PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS. Or to the state of my cardiac health, whatever; it's like you know I start to hyperventilate when you cock your arm back!

9:40, 4th quarter:
I've been trying to pretend the game isn't actually playing in front of me -- TJ hasn't been sacked again, but he hasn't done anything awesome, either, and neither has the rest of the team -- but Kendric Burney, redshirt freshman cornerback and MEMBER OF THE CAROLINA BASEBALL TEAM, intercepted the ball around Carolina's 25 yard line and returned the ball 76 yards back up the field for a touchdown. I'm not going to talk about the current score, because I'll fucking jinx it, more than I have by mentioning it at all. However.

dex.: I like to think somewhere, the Carolina baseball team is watching this game. Because Kendric is playing? And right now they're all flailing their arms, and somebody just dumped a beer on Fedex.
shep.: *chokes on Jack and Coke*
dex.: That's how it's happening in my head, at least.

:06, 4th quarter:
We're in the midst of the best drive I've seen this team commit to all year, they're saying things like 'this is where heroes are made', and TJ throws back-to-back incomplete passes. IS HAKEEM NICKS HURT? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.

:01, 4th quarter:
One second left in the game and the touchdown pass to Nicks in the endzone is intercepted by Jimmie Sutton III. You know, and I wonder why people are convinced I have a drinking problem; thank you, THANK YOU TJ YATES. Final score, 27-31, State.

"Corso just called Rece sweetheart."

shep.'s moving furniture today, so I'm on TJ Yates Sacks Duty. Last weekend, when both Duke and Carolina had off days, A. pointed out that it was a great day, because we couldn't lose! Nobody could be sacked! To which I responded that I felt somebody in Chapel Hill was likely to see TJ Yates walking down Franklin Street in the afternoon on Saturday and be overcome with rage and just sack him, right there on the street. Because that's how TJ Yates rolls, guys, and that's how he forces the rest of us to roll, too.

So I'm here and I have Burger King and also Jack Daniels in my Dr. Pepper, and if TJ Yates loves me, he won't fall down too much, because I just don't think I can stand it if he does.

Pre-Game:

... Lincoln Financial announcers, TJ Yates has not been great under center this year! HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE SAME TEAM WE HAVE? ARE YOU IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I'M MARRIED TO A ROCK STAR? HOW DO I GET TO THAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, OMG?

14:44, first quarter:

First snap of the game, after a great 30-yard return by B.Tate, TJ Yates throws an interception. I go put more Jack Daniels in my drink.

13:05, first quarter:

So I'm TiVoing the WFU/UNC game, so as to be able to see easily who sacks TJ, but I've got W(F)VU/Rutgers on the other band because it's West Fucking Virginia, and, okay, Ray Rice? Is sort of a midget. I don't know, I guess I thought a fearsome rusher like Rice would be taller.

Also, TJ got this pass off -- to his own receiver, this time -- before he was taken down at the waist. Oh, TJ. I know you miss shep., but I love you, too!

Wake Forest has a player named Boo. That's pretty awesome, no lie.

10:54, first quarter:

Chantz McClinic sacks TJ on third-and-five for a ten yard loss. The Tar Heels continue to appall me. Butch Davis looks for antacids on the sidelines.

Also, Chantz McClinic: great football name or greatest football name?

8:29, first quarter:

Since TJ's been on the field for approximately a minute and a half today, I'm going to just start sharing my drunken feelings with y'all, and my number one drunken feeling is that I'm simultaneously appalled and hilariously amused at the -- hey, Carolina sacked somebody! Awesome -- line of college football announcer jargon written on a Post-It on our coffee table, leftover from VT/BC Thursday: "flush him out with inside penetration". Okay, college football announcers: I don't care if there's actually real live butt sex going on at the O-line, please, never say this again.

... You could show me the butt sex, though, if that happened.

Butch, I have a lot of Jack Daniels. You should come over. You look like you need it.

0:38, first quarter:

TJ, did you just accidentally run for a first down? I THINK YOU DID. I love it when you do things and then come up from the bottom of the pile and look sort of surprised that you were successful.

14:48, second quarter:

Connor Barth, you are the only reason I haven't beaten TJ Yates down yet this season. I'm just sayin'. Carolina on the board, 3-10, aaaaaaand, while I'm typing this, Wake returns the kickoff for a touchdown. 17-3, Wake Forest. I need more Jack.

13:26, second quarter:

FOUR FALSE START PENALTIES. SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GONNA ROLL, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TJ.

12:26, second quarter:

TJ, when you fall down, it's almost as bad as when you get sacked.

8:11, second quarter:

TJ Yates was a shooting guard in high school? That so totally explains why he ... was just sacked by a dude named Boo. Boo Robinson. Oh, TJ.

1:53, second quarter:

Stanley Arnoux sacks TJ Yates after TJ pump-fakes one too many times. I got nothin', people. I. The jokes, I can't even write 'em, because they're already there.

Oh, my God, it's only half-time? If I die of alcohol poisoning before the end of this game, tell TJ Yates I hated him, and tell my mother I loved her.

11:33, third quarter:

Somebody call 911, I think Butch Davis just had a stroke. Or a rage blackout. Possibly both, at the same time. Frankly, I don't blame him.

10:11, third quarter:

... holy shit, DID WE CAUSE A TURNOVER? AND RECOVER? AND KEEP IT? Bless you, Durrell Mapp, bless you. And of course it's reviewed. Because I can't have nice things. And I'm out of Dr. Pepper. And after review: THIS WASN'T THE KIND OF LUBELESS BUTT SEX I MEANT, ACC OFFICIATING CREW, JESUS CHRIST.

1:20, third quarter:

Guys, I really want to go take a nap, but TJ might get sacked about 14 times in the fourth quarter, so I can't. But I really want to. This game makes me sad. Except for Wake Forest kicker Sam Swank, who trumps Chantz McClinic for greatest football name ever. Sam Swank, I know I'm not supposed to love you, but your name is pretty awesome.

Carolina football makes me so sad.

End of the third quarter:

TJ completes two straight passes to end the third quarter and I start looking for my alternate universe rock star husband; fourth quarter starts and TJ sacks himself on one of his own backs and I go back to drinking my beer alone without love from rock stars.

14:04, fourth quarter:

TD, YATES TO ROME! I'd like to send TJ Yates to Rome. He couldn't throw interceptions or sack himself on Hakeem Nicks's elbow if he was in Rome.

13:46, fourth quarter:

Wake Forest TD. I really should have taken that nap. 30-10, WFU.

11:00, fourth quarter:

TJ Yates tosses another interception to Aaron Curry, who returns it 77 yards for a touchdown. I start drinking the banana liqueur in the kitchen.

9:56, fourth quarter:

DOWN GOES YATES. THIS DUDE WHO SACKED YOU IS NAMED BOO, TJ, YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A QB. BRING ME MIKE PAULUS. AND ANOTHER BEER.

8:50, fourth quarter:

TJ YATES IS OUR QB BECAUSE HE WASN'T RECRUITED BY A MAJOR D1 SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL, JESUS CHRIST.

3:10, fourth quarter:

Look, I just need to make this point: Wes Miller was approximately 4 feet tall, but a good enough basketball player to earn a scholarship on Roy Williams' team, and start considerable minutes his junior year. TJ Yates is such a bad basketball player that he can't play for The Roy, but we made him our QB instead. How. How is this earth logic, Butch? I know I'm drunk, but I just can't process the news of this. TJ Yates got recruited for football because he was too bad at basketball.

Bring me the little Paulus, Butch. Please.

Final score: Wake Forest 37, Carolina 10. TJ Yates threw two interceptions, was sacked by Wake four times, and sacked himself at least twice. Is it basketball yet?

Exploits at the liquor store on a Saturday morning.

UNRELATED TO THE BOOK REVIEW: I went to the liquor store this morning, like one does -- here in the NC, you can buy hard liquor only in state-run ABC stores, but you can buy beer and wine anywhere, so shep. brought beer home from work -- and the place was packed. I guess that's what happens when the Tar Heels are off and the big game in the state is NCSU/ECU. Regardless, the cheerful dude behind the counter was asking everybody what games they were watching today as he rang up their liquor.

I told him, "Well, since the universe saw fit to deny us the Tennessee/Bama game, Oklahoma at Iowa State, State at ECU, Virginia at Maryland, and maybe Florida at Kentucky if we feel like flipping channels."

He grinned at me, and the three completely adorable barely-21-year-old dudes standing behind me, buying a truly ridiculous amount of Jim Beam and flavored vodka, sort of looked at me like they wanted to follow me home. Considering that I haven't showered yet today, those looks made me feel like a million bucks.


Dudes who were behind me at the ABC on the far edge of Carrboro, come over! Bring your Jim Beam!

the best thing I've heard all weekend.

dex.: The good news is, you survived to see another day.
shep.: I know, John Madden just told me.
dex.: The bad news is Roger Clemens is done forever.
shep.: ... wait, what'd you just say?
dex.: I had that backwards, didn't I? The bad news is you might face CC Sabathia again; the good news is the tub of lard and roids is done forever.
shep.: SO LONG, BITCH TITS.


To recap: the Heels won, the Chargers won, the Ravens won and Roger Clemens will probably never pitch in my stadium, in that wretched, beloved old ballpark in New York City where my heart lies, ever again. And Duke lost yesterday, and I got to chase drunk Red Sox fans out of World Beer Fest last night! Not too shabby, kids.

"what kind of breakfast food does one eat with a pumpkin beer?"

This evening, dex. and I are volunteering in Durham for World Beer Festival: partially for the exposure to hundreds of new beers, and partially because the fest sold out in a matter of days and we missed the ticket window, but mostly for access to the all-you-can drink volunteer after-party next week, where the volunteers get free food and all the leftover booze we can handle. It's not a bad life, okay? I'm pretty good with it.

I can't lie, we're also getting the hell out of the house so we don't end up sitting here, watching baseball and crying into our pineapple-upholstered couch. Yeeeeah. We should talk about it, really, but I'm not ready. Let's run a sack-count instead!


13:42, first quarter:
Yates sacked somewhere around the 40 yard line, by Teraz McCray, and then -- well -- you can't really call it puppy-piling when the "puppies" are the size of draft horses, can you? Maybe you can. I'm going to, damn it! Three Miami defenders jumping on Yates! Not sure yet whether it's going to be harder being Yates today, or me. This was all on the first third down, naturally. Man, Carolina; it's five after noon, I just woke up from a late-morning nap, and I already need a beer. Thanks.

11:25, second quarter:
TOUCHDOWN TJ YATES. This is totally worth noting, people, as it is Yates' first career rushing touchdown, achieved by falling into the end zone. Literally. You have to laugh and cheer, people, because the Tar Heels are up! 17-0! And it's way too early to start crying.

4:51, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a 20 yard pass to Joe Dailey for 20 yards to complete the first down. WHO IS THIS POD PERSON WEARING NUMBER 13, I AM CONFUSED. I like him, though, so please, Butch, keep real!Yates chained up in the basement a while longer.

2:50, second quarter:
MIKE PAULUS NAMECHECK AND IT WAS NEITHER ME NOR DEX., HOLY SHIT.

2:30, second quarter:
And TJ Yates falls down while attempting to rush. Welcome back, real!Yates. Welcome back.

5:37, third quarter:
You didn't think I was still watching, did you? Buuuuurn. Anyway. I know it's a sack, technically, but I always think it should be called something different when it's a defender taking the quarterback down with an arm around the knees. It wasn't even like Teraz McCray clothes-lined Yates; he hooked his arm around Yates' knees and dragged his little ass to the grass. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, REAL!YATES. SEND ME THE POD AND SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN.

14:51, fourth quarter:
Heh, ESPN said TJ Yates pump-faked one too many times, and now he's getting an elbow scrape cleaned up. Poor baby; I'd imagine too much pumping on the field could be hazardous to one's health. Sacked by Vegas Franklin on the third down, but Connor Barth came in and bailed him out with a field goal. Seriously, too much pump-faking, I can't stop giggling. I'm legally old enough to drink this beer, I promise.

10:59, fourth quarter:
"TJ, you gotta lower your head, try to get that last couple yards. I know you're a quarterback and not a mobile guy, but ..."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ESPN busting TJ Yates' ass, even when he actually carries the ball for eight yards, will never get old.

I was going to make a joke about Steve Trachsel not making the playoff roster, but, well, Steve Trachsel. The joke writes itself.

We swear we're not dead, we're just busy engaging in the lifestyles of Yankees and Cubs fans during the post-season: that is to say, drinking heavily and ignoring the fact that there's baseball on the TV.


But in much better news: the ACC Basketball Handbook finally dropped and WWTHD? purchased a copy tonight while making a beer run at the Harris Teeter. It's a delightful little book, not in small part because our beloved blogsake is on the cover making a face like a demented walrus. Aside from dex. making appalled noises in the beer aisle over Memphis being ranked #1 over Carolina (John Calipari: #2 on the list of college coaches dex. wouldn't pee on if they were on fire, right after Rick Pitino and right before Rick Barnes), it's a satisfying book. I have reservations about the Tar Heels starting the season ranked so highly, with so many expectations heaped on them -- it's a hell of a lot farther to fall, for one thing -- but damn, it feels good to almost be back to basketball season.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go draw a mustache and goatee on the feature about Greg Paulus. We hear he was demoted from being a captain of the Duke team, and this pleases us immensely.

"man-on-man coverage!" "what, what?!"

It's college football day, here in the home of WWTHD?, and man, can the Tar Heels not play football or what? Seriously, guys. Seriously. It's 1230pm, I've busted out the Jack Daniels, and all that's left for me is a live-blog account of TJ Yates getting sacked. I can't help it, dear readers; I love him, and he's not a bad quarterback but I laugh every time: he is six feet, three inches of wretched human being. Maybe if we're lucky -- and by lucky, I mean phenomenally unlucky, because I don't understand why someone would want such a thing -- Butch Davis will put the baby!Paulus in today. Gosh, watching the baby!Paulus playing football is like being drunk without the work.

Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.


1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.

1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)

2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.

3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.

3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!

3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.

3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.

3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.

4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.

4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.

For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.

4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.

4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!


Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.

"I punched a Paulus in Durham just to see him cry?"

For the record: we here at What Would Tyler Hansbrough Do? are very sad to hear Duke actually won a football game today! We were hoping Duke would go winless until next year, and get the record-tying 34th loss against Northwestern. Of course, we would celebrate such a momentous event with our dear friend Jack Daniels, present in our home and our hearts for all occasions of this ilk. All occasions, period.

I would write more on this topic, and how dex. and I have become sort of obsessively enamored with this college football season, but we're watching duck-on-cougar action, and well. It's really satisfying, is all.