Friday, September 28, 2007

We're outta here. (For the weekend.)

WWTHD? is taking our show on the road this weekend, heading up to Baltimore to take in an Orioles/Yankees game and abuse dex.'s parents' hospitality, so all your normal weekend activities (getting drunk, screaming at TJ Yates, making fun of Rex Grossman) are on hold til Monday. Never fear: we're TiVoing Carolina/Virginia Tech, so there will be a full record of every time TJ Yates goes down like the Sex Cannon early next week.

Be excellent to each other, and if there's any more mascot-on-mascot violence, leave us links to the YouTube footage, obvs.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

"we'd feel bad if we weren't so busy laughing."

According to Chicagoist, Brian Griese got the Sex Cannon's starting job for the Bears today. The only really sad part about this is that the Sex Cannon Sacks Live Blog was so short lived! Never fear, dear readers: when Brian Griese rolls over like a little bitch in a few weeks, which he inevitably will because he's Brian Griese, the Sex Cannon will be back. Either that, or the Bears will bring Kyle Orton back to start -- which, frankly, might be even funnier.

The Sex Cannon is dead; long live the Sex Cannon.

In other news, Wes Miller, best beloved ex-Tar Heel midget shooting guard of my heart, dropped 47 points in his London Capital debut. Somewhere, Bobby Frasor is staring at the internets and wondering about the alternate universe in which Wes Miller is a high scorer, ever. Plus we could say something about the validity of the English Pro League, but we love Wes too much for that, so mostly we're just glad (and perpetually amused) that he's got himself a professional career, for reals.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

"i wouldn't fuck with a mascot named chanticleer."



From Every Day Should Be Saturday, the James Madison Duke takes on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleer during the weekend's JMU/CCU game. I give this mascot-on-mascot violence a 4/10; sure, the Chanticleer is kind of a wimpy mascot, but there's also no teabagging like there was in the Duck/Cougar violence.

Personally I'm waiting for for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane to take on the Tulane Green Wave; we might even get a whole new color and weather pattern out of the ensuing brawl. Or anything involving the Syracuse Orangeman! Because honestly: can you really look at me and tell me that watching a dude in a big orange suit fighting, say, the Georgetown Hoya wouldn't make you laugh? I think not. Instant hilarity, right there.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

"apparently the dallas defense is sub-par. maybe the sex cannon will just fall down by himself a lot tonight."

True fact: when I lived in Chicago, I really tried to put my back into being a Bears fan, because it meant I got to hang out with my friend Mikey every Sunday. Also true fact: I spent more time sleeping on Mikey's couch while the Bears sucked it up and Mikey played video games during commercials than I actually did watching the Bears.

But then I moved to North Carolina and the Bears made the Sex Cannon their QB, and putting my back into making fun of the Sex Cannon is more enjoyable than being a Ravens fan, and so we here at WWTHD? bring you our newest feature: the Sex Cannon Sacks Live Blog, every week we're in the NC and in front of a TV and the Chicago game is on national broadcast.

Which, today it is and we are and etc.

SO.

Come join us in mocking the Sex Cannon as he falls down, gets knocked down, and tries to act like he actually knows how to play football. Fun for the whole family! (Keith Olbermann: "There has always been a Rex Grossman, he has always underperformed." Oh, Sex Cannon.)

1st Quarter, 13:01: Steven Bowen knocks Rex Grossman down. "Does that count as a sack?" shep. said. "Well, Rex fell down," I said, and she just shrugged. Incomplete pass on the third down. Rex Grossman continues to suck. Details at the next Bears possession.

1st Quarter, 12:49: ... Mark Anderson sacks Tony Romo.

dex.: "Do I have to blog Tony Romo getting sacked?"
shep.: "I think you might have to."

1st Quarter, 1:30:

a.: Rex Grossman & Tony Romo probably go out for beers to trade war stories about being mocked by their fans.
shep.: MAN DATE
shep.: they hold hands under the tables

Tony Romo just tossed an interception to Adam Archuleta. Perhaps the Sex Cannon Sacks Blog is the wrong blog of suckage tonight.

End 1st: REX GROSSMAN HAS NOT BEEN SACKED YET. He has only fallen down once! I would tell Lovie to look for the pod in the locker room but frankly I sort of enjoy the Sex Cannon as Pod Person. So perhaps we shall let the Alien Sex Cannon be for the moment.

2nd Quarter, 14:49: Dude, I take it back! The Sex Cannon just threw an interception to Anthony Henry. Welcome back, Rex! We were worried that you hadn't fallen down enough yet.

2nd Quarter, 7:34: DeMarcus Ware sacks the Sex Cannon! Congratulations, Mr. DeWare, you have the first Sex Cannon sack of the night. Two thumbs up, it was a very nice sack.

2nd Quarter, 6:22: Tony Romo goes down in a hail of Bears jerseys. I think Brian Urlacher actually made the hit. Now we're cooking! Sack! Sack! Sack!

2nd Quarter, 1:20: DeMarcus Ware, I appoint you the official position of "knocking the Sex Cannon over for maximum hilarity". Congratulations!

2nd Quarter, 0:02: The Sex Cannon trips over a defender and falls down to end the half. He wasn't sacked! He just fell down! Sex Cannon, you are kind of the most amazing. I'm just saying.

3rd Quarter, 8:45: The Sex Cannon runs for a first down and I nearly give myself a concussion cracking my head against our end table. Awesome.

3rd Quarter, 6:36:

dex.: [The Sex Cannon]'s hat is all shiny.
shep.: He's such a retard, I can't even.

4th Quarter, 13:15: Brian Urlacher sacks Tony Romo again. Earlier Tony sort of bad-touched Brian, and apparently Brian doesn't appreciate that sort of lovin' from Tony.

4th Quarter, 11:55: Aaaaaaaand the Sex Cannon throws another interception to Anthony Henry, who expresses his thanks by returning it for a touchdown. The Chicago crowd is chanting for Brian Griese. Rex Grossman officially sucks balls.

4th Quarter, 9:13: John Madden starts a sentence, "I don't mean to be mean to Grossman, but ..." and the Sex Cannon goes down in a sack to Anthony Spencer. Sex Cannon, seriously, just go home now. I promise your mom won't be mean to you. Much.

4th Quarter, 3:09: "The booing would be even louder, but half the crowd's in the parking lot already." Look, I can't lie, John Madden talking about the Sex Cannon throwing interceptions that are caught by Roy Williams pleases me immensely. Roy Williams! Shouldn't you be out recruiting point guards or getting ready for the pre-season, hmmmmm?

We're bad luck for pro football teams, I think. The Chargers got bent over by Brett Faverererer today and now the Sex Cannon has sucked like a Hoover. Hard for everyone involved, most especially the Sex Cannon!

I'd feel bad but I just can't care that much. I'm a bad person, it's true.

"is favre at least pretty when he's kicking the chargers' asses?" "for an old dude!"

I forgot to mention it yesterday -- must've been the booze blur that was my afternoon post-TJ Yates' tumbling performance -- but Duke also lost their game yesterday! Against Navy! I'll be sitting here praising allah, thank you very much, because if I had to sit through three hours' of UNC tanking, I'd better receive a Duke loss too.

Apparently Navy even had to bust a little ass to hold the Blue Devils off, because Duke was kicking ass and taking a few names by the half. Twenty-four hours later and I still find it hard to believe I'm living in a world where any team has to actually put their back into beating Duke's football team; maybe it's the amateur fan in me, or probably the Tar Heels fan, but man, I thought all the Midshipmen would have to do is show up!

Mmmmm, the Midshipmen. Mmmmm, military athletes. Mmmmm, Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson spatting on the sidelines of the San Diego/Green Bay game ... what?

Our friend a., one of a handful of Duke alumni allowed in our apartment, is taking us to see the Virginia Tech at Duke football game in a few weeks. I'm pretty excited; I've never been to the Duke campus before. Much like Mark Wahlberg in "The Shooter", I'm going to scout out camera locations, crowd movement patterns and sniper spots. Unlike Mark Wahlberg, I'll probably be drunk by 100pm, so if I do find any potentially awesome sniper spots, I'll end up talking about them, and possibly getting arrested. Think they'll let me update the blog from jail?

We're just sad that the little Paulus didn't get to play.

North Carolina coach Butch Davis didn't flinch when T.J. Yates threw yet another interception. Instead, he shared a story with his freshman quarterback.

Davis recalled back to 1989 when Troy Aikman was a rookie playing against the Philadelphia Eagles. Davis, then a Dallas assistant, watched Aikman get sacked more than 10 times. By comparison, Yates finished Saturday's 37-10 loss to No. 23 South Florida with four interceptions – the most by a UNC quarterback in a game in eight years. [WRAL.com]
The thing is, I just don't think TJ Yates is going to grow up and be Troy Aikman. Butch really shouldn't encourage him.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

"man-on-man coverage!" "what, what?!"

It's college football day, here in the home of WWTHD?, and man, can the Tar Heels not play football or what? Seriously, guys. Seriously. It's 1230pm, I've busted out the Jack Daniels, and all that's left for me is a live-blog account of TJ Yates getting sacked. I can't help it, dear readers; I love him, and he's not a bad quarterback but I laugh every time: he is six feet, three inches of wretched human being. Maybe if we're lucky -- and by lucky, I mean phenomenally unlucky, because I don't understand why someone would want such a thing -- Butch Davis will put the baby!Paulus in today. Gosh, watching the baby!Paulus playing football is like being drunk without the work.

Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.


1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.

1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)

2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.

3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.

3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!

3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.

3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.

3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.

4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.

4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.

For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.

4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.

4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!


Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cities That Love Sports Too Much And The Greedy Team Owners Who Use Them.

Last Monday, watching the Ravens roll over like bitches in their season opener, I said, "I think I'm really going to put my back into being a Ravens fan this year." shep. sort of made the face, and my cat, who goes by the name of Billy Donovan around here, rolled over, lifted a leg, and started to lick himself, which really sort of sums up the entirety of being a Baltimore sports fan these days. When Billy Donovan won't back you up, you know you're in trouble.

It's hard to be an Orioles fan. I'm in the middle of a trial reconciliation with them, after eight years of bitterness, anger and Midwest living, and it hasn't been easy. They're bad. I mean, historically, legendarily bad, and not in terms of loss numbers, either. Thirty runs to Texas. Seventeen to Tampa Bay and then eighteen to the Angels. No-hit by a rookie. The worst bullpen in baseball and the best All-DL starting rotation. Injuries too numerous to count. And yet I continue to love them, because I am stupid and I am a Baltimore native and I enjoy having my heart broken over and over and over again like that.

Usually in September, I'm done with baseball. This year I'm still cheering for two game winning streaks.

And then the Ravens started off the season with three first-quarter turnovers, and Kyle Boller failed to throw a game-winning touchdown even given a fourth-down penalty blessing and getting to try three more times; instead of throwing a touchdown after seven downs inside the goal line with the game on the line, he threw an interception.

I think it's fate. I think I'm doomed to love teams that are phenomenally bad in excruciatingly creative ways. And I can't help myself. I'm going to put my back into being a Ravens fan this year, because I'm from the Baltimore: sometimes, losing's the only thing we know how to do.

"I punched a Paulus in Durham just to see him cry?"



For the record: we here at What Would Tyler Hansbrough Do? are very sad to hear Duke actually won a football game today! We were hoping Duke would go winless until next year, and get the record-tying 34th loss against Northwestern. Of course, we would celebrate such a momentous event with our dear friend Jack Daniels, present in our home and our hearts for all occasions of this ilk. All occasions, period.

I would write more on this topic, and how dex. and I have become sort of obsessively enamored with this college football season, but we're watching duck-on-cougar action, and well. It's really satisfying, is all.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

"how is the sex cannon smiling on the side lines? does he have the memory of a goldfish?"

I decided, during WWTHD?'s weekend of new things, to follow a NFL team this year. The craziness! As a chick who's only ever followed football when threatened by siblings or people I want to see naked, I expected this to be a tough call: as a kid, my brothers badgered me into cheering for the Giants with arm burn, and my exes (or people I failed at dating) had a tendency towards being the sort of 49s fans who would deny you sex for fun.

During my, uhhhh, hour of pre-kickoff research, I learned three things about LaDainian Tomlinson, and the San Diego Chargers, that titillated and intrigued me:

  • LT's birthday is on the same day as mine (albeit in a different calendar year).
  • He is also very, very good looking!
  • Sometimes, the Chargers rock something very similar to a shade of "faggy blue" we're fond of, around here.


Clearly, the Chargers and I are meant to be together. When you consider the crush I've developed on the Padres over the last two years, it's really not a surprise.

Honestly, though, the best part of watching today's Bears/Chargers game wasn't LT's tight little butt, or his touchdown pass in the third quarter, or even Philip Rivers' cry to heaven/rage blackout. It was the opportunity for so, so many gay jokes about Rex Grossman, and Rex Grossman getting sacked, and Rex Grossman making the face whilst wearing a retarded baseball cap. It was about me drinking, and talking to my football enabler, and saying 'Sex Cannon' over and over again. And where there is football, and gay jokes, and mentions of Sex Cannons, there are inevitably jokes about Brady Quinn.

In this household, at least.

shep.: brady quinn, i long to watch you make out with jj redick
a.: adam morrison will hunt you down for that
shep.: brady quinn would try to persue jj with his bronzed abs
shep.: and adam's mustache would be so depressed
a.: so depressed adam might even shave and try looking nice
shep.: my world would be rocked, trufax


And .... scene. Time for another margarita!

Saturday, September 8, 2007

"Do you think TJ Yates is going to sleep alone much this fall?"

shep. and I took our show on the road tonight, heading out to Four Corners to watch Carolina take on ECU (and, more importantly, to drink some beers and eat some buffalo chicken sandwiches), and by the time ECU kicked the winning field goal with 2 seconds left on the clock, the whole place was on their feet shouting and stomping, and the post-game disappointment was palpable and, unexpectedly, also unexpected. Down to the moment the ball sailed through the goalposts, everyone in the bar actually believed that the Heels were going to win. The irrational hope that Butch Davis engenders in the Tar Heel faithful is really sort of completely charming, and I didn't expect it at all.

Also, we'd like to take TJ Yates home with us.

(We used to be here, but this is a much better name.)