dean smith: still the king.

Carolina, behind the stellar running game of Shaun Draughn, dropped the Citadel 40-6 last night in the home opener. TJ Yates threw more touchdowns (2) than interceptions (1) and, I believe, was only sacked once. Citadel hung both their field goals on Carolina's second-string defense late in the fourth quarter, breaking up the shut-out, but aside from the rusty, no-score first quarter, I'd say that's something to be optimistic about. Except for TJ Yates. We're never optimistic about Mr. Yates over here. (And hey: at least we weren't as bad as most of the rest of the ACC! Those numbers are just sad.)

Never mind that I spent two hours sitting in traffic on the way home from work on Friday afternoon cursing the Carolina athletic department's clever scheduling, Roy Williams, Butch Davis, TJ Yates, everyone who had come in from out of town for the alumni basketball game, and Greg Paulus while fighting back into Chapel Hill against pre-game traffic, I had a fantastically good time reading about it yesterday morning and I wish we'd gone. Some reading highlights for y'all:

News & Observer: For UNC basketball, a 'family' reunion: For a moment on Friday night, the Four Corners offense returned to North Carolina.

The fact that it was being run by 2009 Naismith Award winner Ty Lawson -- and against 1978 National Player of the Year Phil Ford, who was coaching the opposite team -- was just another memory to add to 100 years worth in Tar Heel blue.

Carolina Blue: UNC assembles collection of stars: It looked like an NBA all-star game.

With 14:59 left in the first half, Carter got a rebound and on the break, he threw the ball off the backboard, got the ball and dunked it.

From Adam Lucas at Tar Heel Blue: On The Inside: You know the type: 18 Final Fours. Six national championships. Thirty NBA championship rings. 17 ACC tournament championships. Eleven ACC players of the year. 39 NBA first-round draft picks.

We know all these numbers because it's part of our education as a Carolina fan. But seeing them all together on one page, it's remarkable--even to those who lived it.

Buzz Peterson was about halfway down the list when he paused. "Wow," he said. "This is a pretty impressive list."

When you put all the alumni from our program together like they did on Friday night, it is without a doubt pretty damn huge. To outsiders, I suspect it may seem wankily self-congratulatory, but I'm glad the program did it, even if I wasn't there.

"can it help protect your house from greg paulus, though?" "no, only deron washington can do that."

So, internets, it's been eleven months. Eleven long months, in which much alcohol was consumed and even more UNC football, basketball and baseball was watched, and celebrated, and mourned. We know you've missed us, dear readers, just as we've missed an actual reason to start drinking at 1030am. I promise we won't leave you like that again.


So, 2009, may Allah help us. TJ Yates is a junior, so unless he develops and showcases talent previously unknown to THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNIVERSE, we'll be forced to endure two more seasons of his wretch, wretch ass. If you've been here before, you know 'excited' is not really the word to describe my feelings about this. 'Resigned', maybe; 'wasted', definitely. But I'm breathing easy today because oh, UNC vs The Citadel? Is not on tv. It's not even on local Raycom tv, so, well. There's only one thing left for me to do: I'm going to live-blog Greg Paulus' college football debut as the Syracuse Orangemen host the Minnesota Golden Gophers.


NO WAIT, COME BACK.


There are several reasons for this endeavor, most of which has been forgotten in a beer-and-jack daniels-soaked haze. What you need to keep foremost in your minds is the fact that Greg Paulus, that ridiculous floor-slapping, chest-pounding manchild who was teabagged so brilliantly at Duke it's been immortalized for all to see, is going to be a starting quarterback for an entire year. A PAULUS, STARTING FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. I THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT ME, BUT THE NCAA BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN. If there's a better reason for me to drink, let me know; dex. and I need in on that action like motherfuckers.


I have a beer, I have a spiked coffee, I have some apple pie à la mode. I am ready.


14:53, first quarter:
WE HAVE MISSED OUR FIRST SNAP AND FALLEN DOWN, AND MINNESOTA RECOVERED THE BALL. OH MAN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAN. Twelve seconds later and Minnesota has scored their first touchdown. Well done, Greg! (Can I call you Greg? It's better than the things I called you during the basketball season, trust me.) Awesome. Well done.

13:34, first quarter:
After finding no one to throw to, Greg runs the ball and does not get sacked. A Gopher threw himself at Greg and he jumped over him, and on the next play made the pitch. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

a. (beloved Duke alumni and Greg lover-hater): (this) did make me realize that paulus is the type of dude who cannot enjoy sex because he spends too much time thinking REALLY hard about his next step

Oh god, my life.

11:05, first quarter:
Greg has completed his first pass and still hasn't been sacked. Did someone change my whiskey to water?

dex.: pam ward picking on the paulus is also killing me
a.: pam is just happy there is a bigger lesbian there than her today

We have new across-the-hall neighbors, here in Chapel Hill, and we have thoroughly scared the fuck out of them. JESUS CHRIST, ESPN, STOP SHOWING HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS OF GREG, I NEED THIS LIVER TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS.

6:44, first quarter:
Whilst the referees discuss a flag thrown (Minnesota offsides), Greg slapped a ref's ass. Twice. There you are, Greg! Now you just need someone to put their balls on your face.

5:02, first quarter:
GREG PAULUS, TACKLED. Let me tell you, one guy took him out at the knees and then three more jumped on top of him. IT HAS BEGUN.

:51, first quarter:
We have our first mention of the baby Paulus, beloved of our hearts! Alas, it came with a mention of TJ Yates; the less said about that fuck right now, the better.

:32, first quarter:
Greg Paulus throws a 29-yard pass to Mike Williams for his first college touchdown. I repeat: Greg has scored his first college touchdown. However, let the record show that Williams was standing alone in his corner of the backfield, and the nearest Gopher was at least two-three yards away. If Greg had thrown to anyone else on that play, I can only hope someone on his team would grab him by the shirtfront and slap him in the face.

I will do that to Greg one day, but that's actually inappropriate for this forum.

12:25, second quarter:
GREG PAULUS, SACKED FOR THE FIRST TIME WHILST DAWDLING WITH THE BALL. Shit, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. Just scooting about, fucking about with the ball, and then squashed between two big dudes? Simoni Lawrence and Lee Campbell! Gentlemen, I would buy you drinks! But only if you were in Chapel Hill, and I didn't have to put on pants.

If ESPN loves me, they replay that sack over and over again.

1:34, second quarter:
ESPN has just referred to Greg as The General. 'GENERAL GREG PAULUS', dex. hollered from the other side of the room. Yes, in all-caps. Baby Paulus, where are you and why aren't you bringing me fresh beer?

halftime:
Minnesota 14, Syracuse 20. Duke AND Syracuse fans everywhere are stroking out, mostly because they have no idea what to do with this shit. I'd sympathize, but I'm too busy watching Greg Paulus crash Twitter.

10:48, third quarter:
Donovan McNabb is complimenting Greg on national television. I understand he should do this, as a Syracuse football alum, but good god almighty. On the other hand, Greg has been -- shocking, I know -- playing reasonably decent football.

Somewhere, the baby Paulus is drunk and proud and angry and sad. Yes, all four of those things at once. Yes, I am certain. Well, certain of at least three of those four things.

7:44, third quarter:
Greg takes a late hit after throwing to Mike Williams. Man, Garrett Brown put him on his ass. ESPN condemns such action and granted, it's not very sportsmanlike, but I do love a good tackle. Buck up, Greg, That turf has to be softer than the hardwood!

Someone, take my vodka lemonade away.

3:40, third quarter:

Greg, on Mike Krzyzewksi:

I love Coach, I have a great relationship with him. I've learned so much from him, and playing for him in the last four years. The preparation and the work ethic he has, after all the success he's had, he's the first one in there, the last one there, spending the nights there, watching film, getting us ready to go --

Make of this information what you will. If you infer from this that perhaps Greg stayed the night with Coach K., 'watching film' -- well. Well.

:17, fourth quarter:
Greg sacked by DJ Wilhite and sadly, it's a weak little sack that's basically just a clothesline to the calves that knocked Greg on his ass. AS GREG GETS TO HIS FEET, THE GAMECLOCK RUNS OUT. Jesus.

Now, despite a.'s numerous attempts to explain it to me, I do not understand college football overtime. I'm not a stupid person, but it's like my pickled brain just pfffft -- doesn't grasp what is going on. However, I do know Greg has one more attempt to do some shit, so I'm going to drink water and attempt to figure this hullabaloo out.

OT:
GREG THROWS A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE AND IT IS INTERCEPTED BY MINNESOTA, WHO WINS THE GAME WITH A 35-YARD FIELD GOAL. Oh Greg, losing a game despite his best efforts! This feeling, it is so familiar. Final score: Minnesota 23, Syracuse 20.