Hello interwebs, hello. Blogger tells me we haven't used this space in almost five months, and if I could remember most of the spring and summer, I'd apologize; concert season and college baseball were upon us, and we were far too busy driving, drinking and weeping to actually pay attention to the internet. Key word: weeping, because man, let it never be said we don't over-invest in nineteen-year old dudes with aluminum bats. What. We may be alcoholics but we're not made of stone.
Anyway, we're back from our impromptu hiatus, with some drunken wailing if not a vengeance, because the UNC Tar Heels play their second game of the 2008 football season tonight. Against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, on national television -- we would've been back last week, I swear, but they didn't even televise the McNeese State game in Chapel Hill. The Tar Heels haven't won a game out-of-state in six years! Because the Tar Heels are not good football players! Who knew? Apparently this is a big deal and everyone was unaware. Guys, I have to work in ten hours but right now, I have eight pumpkin beers, a National Guard sergeant singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' so sweetly, and a motherfucking sack count to liveblog. Let's do this shit.
14:48, first quarter:
We have: mentioned TJ Yates' lack of football experience (two years of high school ball!!1! TWO OH GOD), watched TJ Yates throw an incomplete pass against the hands of a Rutgers receiver. I: may not have enough beer for this game.
Some unrelated-to-gameplay notes while the Scar. Knights knock us around like high school cheerleaders: there have been several notes in the local papers about UNC's back-up quarterback, should TJ Yates fall down so often I end up killing him with my own bare hands. The two options most debated are Cameron Sexton, junior from North Carolina, and our not-so-secret favourite, Mike Paulus. Yes, he's the younger brother of Greg Paulus, douchebag extraordinaire. No, I don't want to examine it too closely. Mostly, I want Mike Paulus to take some goddamn snaps already, before TJ Yates ruins my life, or get over here and rub my feet whilst I rage.
10:00, first quarter:
Rutgers kicks and completes a field goal. We get the ball back and immediately throw our third incomplete pass AND #6, Anthony Elzy, gets clipped by a Rutgers linebacker and lies crumpled on the ground for a while. See what you do to us all, TJ Yates?
6:55, first quarter:
TJ Yates throws behind #87, man-beast wide receiver Brandon Tate on the 4th down and UNC loses the ball. ESPN announcers spend an entire minute discussing how bad our QB is, I chug some more beer.
5:44, first quarter:
KENDRIC BURNEY, CORNER BACK AND FORMER TAR HEEL BASEBALL PLAYER, PUTS A SENIOR WIDE RECEIVER ON HIS ASS. Kendric Burney is like, a football playing midget. HE WILL HIT YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU WILL FEEL IT FOR AN ENTIRE QUARTER, BITCHES. If we just hurt people until the fourth quarter, I'll feel mostly okay about things. Especially if those people are not me and my liver.
1:05, first quarter:
FIRST SACK AGAINST TJ YATES BY JAMAAL WESTERMAN. Man, that was a whallop.
dex.: ... you know, I don't think most fans cheer like that when their quarterback goes down.
Some guest commentary from our favourite Duke alum (and football enabler):
a.: your offense has like 8 of the pieces it needs
a.: you are missing a QB
And scene, people.
13:26, second quarter:
a.: holy crap you scored.
We have two new kickers this year: Casey Barth, younger brother of former UNC kicker (and tshirt designing bad ass new god) Connor Barth, and Jay Wooten, kicker of UNC's first field goal tonight. Sadly enough, Jay Wooten is not related to Rob Wooten, beloved of our hearts, but he's the only Wooten we have now. Ergo, all our affections, and offers of drinks when he's finally legal.
9:28, second quarter:
HOLY SHIT, TJ YATES JUST THREW A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN. Granted, it was only nine yards to Hakeem Nicks, who can catch like, all things, but it was pretty goddamn lovely. We'll squander this lead before the half, I'd bet a fiver and one of my beers.
4:54, second quarter:
YATES TO TATE ON THE FIRST DOWN AND TATE RUNS 69 YARDS FOR A SECOND TOUCHDOWN. WHO IS THIS POD-PERSON QUARTERBACK AND CAN WE KEEP HIM FOREVER? I promise to only punch the real TJ Yates in the nutsack.
1:44, second quarter:
Kendric Burney caught the ball for an interception at UNC's 1 yard line and returned the ball 35 yards back up-field. Oh, Kendric, we love you best.
halftime:
UNC 17, Rutgers 6. I am stunned. Also, mostly sober!
a.: TJ Yates should get someone to blow him at halftime. it might be his only chance this season.
I don't even know where I am anymore.
12:31, third quarter:
TJ Yates runs the ball himself for the first down and the UNC line puppy-piles him "to show him love for putting himself on the line, and rallying his troops!" Oh, ESPN announcers, I love it when you make gay football jokes for me.
11:40, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, 12 yards to the endzone for a touchdown. Can--can I stop drinking now?
Man, I know some Rutgers students and alum who will be piiiiiiiissed about this game. We watched one flip off the cameras during the first half, it was solid gold good times. Never underestimate the power of TiVo, dear readers.
7:50, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, pass complete for 42 yards on the first down. I take it all back; I have to keep drinking because I refuse to accept this turn of events as reality. HE'S ONLY BEEN SACKED ONCE AND HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YET. I CANNOT EVEN.
4:52, third quarter:
Yates to Nicks, 11 yards for a touchdown.
shep.: TJ Yates has thrown over two hundred yards tonight, for three touchdowns and zero interceptions.
dex.: You're telling me lies. I'm just going to sit here and smell the rubber cement until the world starts to make sense again.
1:19, third quarter:
I wish I had words~ about the phrase 'muff punt', but they escape me entirely. Needs more beer, I think, and less browsing of political polling sites during commercials.
5:55, fourth quarter:
WHAT, DID BUTCH ACTUALLY PUT MIKE PAULUS IN THE GAME?! OH MY GOD HE HAS ACHIEVED FIRST DOWN. THIS IS A MAD NEW WORLD.
... oh, ESPN informs me Mike Paulus aspires to be on 'The Bachelor' one day. There's the wretchedness with which we roll.
AND THE TAR HEELS WIN. Butch Davis, I'd like you more when you and yours stop charging fifty goddamn dollars for tickets. However, you played the baby!Paulus tonight, and for that I must love you a little. Final score, 44-12 UNC.
Showing posts with label tj yates sacks count. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tj yates sacks count. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Let me show you my enemy, TJ Yates.
shep. is still at work, so it's up to me to post this news. Inside Carolina reports that surgery may be a possibility for TJ Yates in the off season:
What I really want to know is: does this mean that we might have an even better chance of getting the little Paulus next year? Because that pleases me, whether or not he's sitting behind the Duke bench in Cameron cheering for his brother. Just because I think that the rivalry is bigger than family doesn't mean he does, after all. He's still gonna get punched, though.
North Carolina quarterback T.J. Yates received an MRI on his right shoulder Tuesday, which revealed "tissue trauma within the shoulder joint," according to a UNC official. Whether the injury will require surgery has yet to be decided. Yates set UNC's single-season passing yards record as a redshirt freshman in 2007.Well, of course it's not a single event -- it was every single time he fell down this year. That's some damn "wear and tear" right there.
"He'll continue to receive diagnostic treatments and evaluations from the UNC medical staff," Kevin Best, UNC's Director of Football Communications, told Inside Carolina. "A determination on whether surgery is necessary will be made following final exams."
Yates, a native of Marietta, Ga., played just two years of high school football -- and only one in a passing offense -- prior to coming to North Carolina. The injury has been diagnosed as being a result of "wear and tear" and is not the result of a single event.
What I really want to know is: does this mean that we might have an even better chance of getting the little Paulus next year? Because that pleases me, whether or not he's sitting behind the Duke bench in Cameron cheering for his brother. Just because I think that the rivalry is bigger than family doesn't mean he does, after all. He's still gonna get punched, though.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
"I retired because of syphillis!"
If I had known I'd be forced to watch Daughtry songvids before every TJ Yates sacks count post, I might have re-considered this whole endeavor. And yet, I'd probably miss the shining awesomeness that is the Georgia Tech football team dancing on their field, and many televised TJ Yates insults? Who'd want to miss out on that shit? Not me! Let's ride this ulcer-pony right to the end!
The Ramblin' Wreck, christ. This is your UNC at Georgia Tech live blog. Or it will be, once a) the game starts b) TJ Yates gets sacked c) I put some Jack Daniels in my coffee or d) all of the above. Dear readers, I think you know the order of things around here.
11:03, first quarter:
TJ Yates runs straight into three Tech guys whilst attempting a rush and falls to the ground! Look, I know it's not a sack; perhaps I should rename this to 'Running Documentation of Stupid Shit Perpetrated By TJ Yates, UNC Starting Quarterback'.
7:04, first quarter:
television announcer: He missed his junior year of football, thought he'd be a college basketball player!
dex.: STOP SAYING HE SHOULD BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FOR US, YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD IN MY HEART.
shep.: looooooooooooooooooooool.
For the record: we do not condone TJ playing basketball, although we would support the baby Paulus playing basketball for Carolina because it would be precious, precious like a baby deer. Also, we are secretly angry crazy twelve-year old boys.
14:15, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a pass to Hakeem Nicks and it is COMPLETED, it is CAUGHT WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE END ZONE. My heart, it is not beating.
12:50, second quarter:
Of course, we can do nothing with these nice things. Unsuccessful 2nd down, and then the ball is DROPPED IN THE END ZONE on the 3rd down. Follow this with an interception on the 4th down, also in the end zone, and you have rage blackouts on both the sidelines and our living room floor.
6:18, second quarter:
Let me set the stage for you: the Tar Heels' defense sacks the Tech QB, cutiepie Taylor Bennett, and recovers the fumble. There's a review on the call but it stands and Carolina keeps the ball. dex. and I scream and wave our hands around a lot. On the offense's first play back down the field, TJ misses the snap -- it bounces off his hands -- and Georgia Tech recovers that fumble. Everyone agrees we cannot have nice things. Butch Davis stands on the sidelines and mutters franticly into his headset. dex. and I start screaming again.
shep.: I think Butch is contemplating his own death.
dex.: Is he dictating his suicide note to the offensive coordinator up in the booth?
It's too late for us to start cheering for Georgia Tech, isn't it? Damnit. Colin Peek, call us, okay? Bring Taylor Bennett with you! We canonically love Tech athletes, if not the program itself.
9:51, third quarter:
I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE PLAY CLOCK BEFORE THE SNAP OCCURED AND CAUSE A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY? TJ Yates, put yourself on notice. Do it.
8:40, third quarter:
And then TJ Yates pulls out too fast. Seriously, that's what they just told us, on the television. Guys, if it's on tv it has to be true, right? He pulled his hands out too fast and missed the snap and man, how am I still sober.
7:26, third quarter:
a. shares with me "Just when Notre Dame thought this season couldn't get any worse, along comes Duke and the possibility of finding a new rock bottom" (courtesy of ESPN), and I decide reading about any matchup today that isn't QB ass/my foot is more worthy of my attention than TJ Yates.
4:17, third quarter:
TJ YATES SACKED BY GARY GUYTON. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm actually surprised you made me wait this long, TJ; in the beginning of the season, I'd barely have Firefox open before boypiles on your head occurred! If you were anyone else I'd be impressed, and yet we don't call this the TJ Yates sacks count for nothing.
14:52, fourth quarter:
PASS COMPLETION, YATES TO NICKS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, and then TJ fucks up the two-point conversion by making one of the worst passes I've ever seen, and guys, I'm always drunk whilst watching football. There is some swearing, both here and in Georgia, but at least here we have the option to flip over to the Duke/Notre Dame game. Sometimes you have to watch people who suck even more than you do before you start to feel better about life, okay.
14:20, fourth quarter:
Yates sacked again, praise Allah, by Gary Guyton! They look really cute piled on each other, you know? If Guyton sacks him one more time during this game, I think TJ is pretty much obligated to say yes when Gary asks him on a date later.
8:47, fourth quarter:
WHERE CAN I BUY A CONNOR BARTH-DESIGNED TSHIRT, HOLY CHRIST. I think our kicker wants to be Pete Wentz, and I'm not sure how I feel about this -- okay, that's a lie, I'm mostly really amused by it all. Also, TJ Yates holds Carolina's all-time passing record? Have I fallen into an alternate version of my own life?
5:50, fourth quarter:
Conner Barth kicks in the extra point after Anthony Elza falls into the end zone with the ball and I can't even focus on our one-point lead right now, not while Connor's on the field with that hair growth on his face. Man, we're not going to hold this lead for more than three minutes, I feel it in my drunken bones.
:18, fourth quarter:
Travis Bell, the Georgia Tech kicker, is on the field to attempt a32-yard 27-yard field goal and take back the lead, and Butch Davis is calling a timeout. Travis, I have to get this out before you break my heart: you are a hottie with a body, despite being only an even six feet tall, and you will always have a place next to me on the pineapple couch. BACK TO BACK TIMEOUTS, BUTCH, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. Attempting to ice a red-shirt senior just seems, well, retarded. Seriously, Travis, you can call me too, okay?
:02, fourth quarter:
63-yard field goal attempt -- Bell's kick was good -- and oh, sweet baby jesus, not even Connor Barth is going to make this bad boy happen. Final score, 25-27, Georgia Tech. Thank you, Tar Heels, for collectively showing up to this one! We're gonna watch Duke and Norte Dame suck like hoovers in each others' general direction now, but really, you guys played well today! You are still first in our hearts.
The Ramblin' Wreck, christ. This is your UNC at Georgia Tech live blog. Or it will be, once a) the game starts b) TJ Yates gets sacked c) I put some Jack Daniels in my coffee or d) all of the above. Dear readers, I think you know the order of things around here.
11:03, first quarter:
TJ Yates runs straight into three Tech guys whilst attempting a rush and falls to the ground! Look, I know it's not a sack; perhaps I should rename this to 'Running Documentation of Stupid Shit Perpetrated By TJ Yates, UNC Starting Quarterback'.
7:04, first quarter:
television announcer: He missed his junior year of football, thought he'd be a college basketball player!
dex.: STOP SAYING HE SHOULD BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FOR US, YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD IN MY HEART.
shep.: looooooooooooooooooooool.
For the record: we do not condone TJ playing basketball, although we would support the baby Paulus playing basketball for Carolina because it would be precious, precious like a baby deer. Also, we are secretly angry crazy twelve-year old boys.
14:15, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a pass to Hakeem Nicks and it is COMPLETED, it is CAUGHT WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE END ZONE. My heart, it is not beating.
12:50, second quarter:
Of course, we can do nothing with these nice things. Unsuccessful 2nd down, and then the ball is DROPPED IN THE END ZONE on the 3rd down. Follow this with an interception on the 4th down, also in the end zone, and you have rage blackouts on both the sidelines and our living room floor.
6:18, second quarter:
Let me set the stage for you: the Tar Heels' defense sacks the Tech QB, cutiepie Taylor Bennett, and recovers the fumble. There's a review on the call but it stands and Carolina keeps the ball. dex. and I scream and wave our hands around a lot. On the offense's first play back down the field, TJ misses the snap -- it bounces off his hands -- and Georgia Tech recovers that fumble. Everyone agrees we cannot have nice things. Butch Davis stands on the sidelines and mutters franticly into his headset. dex. and I start screaming again.
shep.: I think Butch is contemplating his own death.
dex.: Is he dictating his suicide note to the offensive coordinator up in the booth?
It's too late for us to start cheering for Georgia Tech, isn't it? Damnit. Colin Peek, call us, okay? Bring Taylor Bennett with you! We canonically love Tech athletes, if not the program itself.
9:51, third quarter:
I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE PLAY CLOCK BEFORE THE SNAP OCCURED AND CAUSE A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY? TJ Yates, put yourself on notice. Do it.
8:40, third quarter:
And then TJ Yates pulls out too fast. Seriously, that's what they just told us, on the television. Guys, if it's on tv it has to be true, right? He pulled his hands out too fast and missed the snap and man, how am I still sober.
7:26, third quarter:
a. shares with me "Just when Notre Dame thought this season couldn't get any worse, along comes Duke and the possibility of finding a new rock bottom" (courtesy of ESPN), and I decide reading about any matchup today that isn't QB ass/my foot is more worthy of my attention than TJ Yates.
4:17, third quarter:
TJ YATES SACKED BY GARY GUYTON. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm actually surprised you made me wait this long, TJ; in the beginning of the season, I'd barely have Firefox open before boypiles on your head occurred! If you were anyone else I'd be impressed, and yet we don't call this the TJ Yates sacks count for nothing.
14:52, fourth quarter:
PASS COMPLETION, YATES TO NICKS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, and then TJ fucks up the two-point conversion by making one of the worst passes I've ever seen, and guys, I'm always drunk whilst watching football. There is some swearing, both here and in Georgia, but at least here we have the option to flip over to the Duke/Notre Dame game. Sometimes you have to watch people who suck even more than you do before you start to feel better about life, okay.
14:20, fourth quarter:
Yates sacked again, praise Allah, by Gary Guyton! They look really cute piled on each other, you know? If Guyton sacks him one more time during this game, I think TJ is pretty much obligated to say yes when Gary asks him on a date later.
8:47, fourth quarter:
WHERE CAN I BUY A CONNOR BARTH-DESIGNED TSHIRT, HOLY CHRIST. I think our kicker wants to be Pete Wentz, and I'm not sure how I feel about this -- okay, that's a lie, I'm mostly really amused by it all. Also, TJ Yates holds Carolina's all-time passing record? Have I fallen into an alternate version of my own life?
5:50, fourth quarter:
Conner Barth kicks in the extra point after Anthony Elza falls into the end zone with the ball and I can't even focus on our one-point lead right now, not while Connor's on the field with that hair growth on his face. Man, we're not going to hold this lead for more than three minutes, I feel it in my drunken bones.
:18, fourth quarter:
Travis Bell, the Georgia Tech kicker, is on the field to attempt a
:02, fourth quarter:
63-yard field goal attempt -- Bell's kick was good -- and oh, sweet baby jesus, not even Connor Barth is going to make this bad boy happen. Final score, 25-27, Georgia Tech. Thank you, Tar Heels, for collectively showing up to this one! We're gonna watch Duke and Norte Dame suck like hoovers in each others' general direction now, but really, you guys played well today! You are still first in our hearts.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
"fresh from the tailgate party!"
Clearly Allah loves me after all: the Tivo told us all week we wouldn't get the UNC at NC State game and I was sad, but then we were distracted by concerts and dates with dudes and exhibition basketball games, and I mostly forgot about it. However, once again the combined powers of Jack Daniels and Joe Pa have brought me fantastic items, in the form of the 97th matchup between the Heels and the Wolfpack on the gridiron, and I can live to see another day.
Until I remember UNC men's basketball tickets have been on sale for less than twenty-four hours and are sold out after January 1st across the board. When that comes back to me, you'll find me lying in traffic on Franklin Street, but for now I'll work on yet another TJ Yates sack count.
14:11, 1st quarter:
As they sing Yates' throwing game praises (in my opinion, not so awesome), he throws the ball for the first time in the game and it is intercepted. You know, Butch, if you're not using the little Paulus, I'd like to borrow him for a few hours? I can sit here and scream and cry, and he can fetch me cool washclothes and Excedrin and stronger Jack and Cokes.
3:13, 1st quarter:
blogger's note: dex. and I have talked about the Heels' chances in this game all week and right now, after watching our defensive line bend over for the Pack during an 88-yard drive, I have to say, no, no. I do not feel optimistic about this game, I do not believe we are going to a bowl this year. I do believe my drink cup is currently empty, though; that might have a bit to do with my feelings of ennui. Just a little.
:38, 1st quarter:
After throwing a 40+ yard pass to Nicks in the corner of the endzone, a pass that did not end with a touchdown because Hakeem Nicks, wide receiver of our hearts, tripped over a sideline cone and dropped the goddamn football, TJ Yates threw the ball past a receiver by approximately three feet, straight out of bounds. Butch, we're considering sending you a zen sand garden for Yule, but I'm afraid you'll take the rocks out of it and chuck them at TJ's head, and surely the NCAA would frown upon that sort of thing?
9:50, 2nd quarter:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. CHARLES BROWN INTERCEPTED A STATE PASS AND RAN 92 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. ARE WE ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME NOW? IS SOMEONE PLAYING A TRICK ON ME? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
1:46, 2nd quarter:
"FIRST SACK OF THE DAY ON TJ YATES. THERE WAS SOME MAN-ON-MAN ..."
Seriously, I don't even know how to deal with this. According to people who are paid to talk about this shit on television, this is the 24th sack against UNC this season; this one completed by #92, DeMario Pressley.
:19, 2nd quarter:
SACKED AGAIN. TJ YATES, YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FATHER. NC State's Willie Young, however, "went in with bad intentions." Good for you, Mr. Young! I have bad intentions against TJ Yates every day.
8:05, 3rd quarter:
TJ Yates, short shuttle pass to Bobby Rome, 40 yard pass to Brandon Tate for the touchdown. THANK YOU, TJ, FOR PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS. Or to the state of my cardiac health, whatever; it's like you know I start to hyperventilate when you cock your arm back!
9:40, 4th quarter:
I've been trying to pretend the game isn't actually playing in front of me -- TJ hasn't been sacked again, but he hasn't done anything awesome, either, and neither has the rest of the team -- but Kendric Burney, redshirt freshman cornerback and MEMBER OF THE CAROLINA BASEBALL TEAM, intercepted the ball around Carolina's 25 yard line and returned the ball 76 yards back up the field for a touchdown. I'm not going to talk about the current score, because I'll fucking jinx it, more than I have by mentioning it at all. However.
dex.: I like to think somewhere, the Carolina baseball team is watching this game. Because Kendric is playing? And right now they're all flailing their arms, and somebody just dumped a beer on Fedex.
shep.: *chokes on Jack and Coke*
dex.: That's how it's happening in my head, at least.
:06, 4th quarter:
We're in the midst of the best drive I've seen this team commit to all year, they're saying things like 'this is where heroes are made', and TJ throws back-to-back incomplete passes. IS HAKEEM NICKS HURT? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.
:01, 4th quarter:
One second left in the game and the touchdown pass to Nicks in the endzone is intercepted by Jimmie Sutton III. You know, and I wonder why people are convinced I have a drinking problem; thank you, THANK YOU TJ YATES. Final score, 27-31, State.
Until I remember UNC men's basketball tickets have been on sale for less than twenty-four hours and are sold out after January 1st across the board. When that comes back to me, you'll find me lying in traffic on Franklin Street, but for now I'll work on yet another TJ Yates sack count.
14:11, 1st quarter:
As they sing Yates' throwing game praises (in my opinion, not so awesome), he throws the ball for the first time in the game and it is intercepted. You know, Butch, if you're not using the little Paulus, I'd like to borrow him for a few hours? I can sit here and scream and cry, and he can fetch me cool washclothes and Excedrin and stronger Jack and Cokes.
3:13, 1st quarter:
blogger's note: dex. and I have talked about the Heels' chances in this game all week and right now, after watching our defensive line bend over for the Pack during an 88-yard drive, I have to say, no, no. I do not feel optimistic about this game, I do not believe we are going to a bowl this year. I do believe my drink cup is currently empty, though; that might have a bit to do with my feelings of ennui. Just a little.
:38, 1st quarter:
After throwing a 40+ yard pass to Nicks in the corner of the endzone, a pass that did not end with a touchdown because Hakeem Nicks, wide receiver of our hearts, tripped over a sideline cone and dropped the goddamn football, TJ Yates threw the ball past a receiver by approximately three feet, straight out of bounds. Butch, we're considering sending you a zen sand garden for Yule, but I'm afraid you'll take the rocks out of it and chuck them at TJ's head, and surely the NCAA would frown upon that sort of thing?
9:50, 2nd quarter:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. CHARLES BROWN INTERCEPTED A STATE PASS AND RAN 92 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. ARE WE ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME NOW? IS SOMEONE PLAYING A TRICK ON ME? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
1:46, 2nd quarter:
"FIRST SACK OF THE DAY ON TJ YATES. THERE WAS SOME MAN-ON-MAN ..."
Seriously, I don't even know how to deal with this. According to people who are paid to talk about this shit on television, this is the 24th sack against UNC this season; this one completed by #92, DeMario Pressley.
:19, 2nd quarter:
SACKED AGAIN. TJ YATES, YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FATHER. NC State's Willie Young, however, "went in with bad intentions." Good for you, Mr. Young! I have bad intentions against TJ Yates every day.
8:05, 3rd quarter:
TJ Yates, short shuttle pass to Bobby Rome, 40 yard pass to Brandon Tate for the touchdown. THANK YOU, TJ, FOR PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS. Or to the state of my cardiac health, whatever; it's like you know I start to hyperventilate when you cock your arm back!
9:40, 4th quarter:
I've been trying to pretend the game isn't actually playing in front of me -- TJ hasn't been sacked again, but he hasn't done anything awesome, either, and neither has the rest of the team -- but Kendric Burney, redshirt freshman cornerback and MEMBER OF THE CAROLINA BASEBALL TEAM, intercepted the ball around Carolina's 25 yard line and returned the ball 76 yards back up the field for a touchdown. I'm not going to talk about the current score, because I'll fucking jinx it, more than I have by mentioning it at all. However.
dex.: I like to think somewhere, the Carolina baseball team is watching this game. Because Kendric is playing? And right now they're all flailing their arms, and somebody just dumped a beer on Fedex.
shep.: *chokes on Jack and Coke*
dex.: That's how it's happening in my head, at least.
:06, 4th quarter:
We're in the midst of the best drive I've seen this team commit to all year, they're saying things like 'this is where heroes are made', and TJ throws back-to-back incomplete passes. IS HAKEEM NICKS HURT? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.
:01, 4th quarter:
One second left in the game and the touchdown pass to Nicks in the endzone is intercepted by Jimmie Sutton III. You know, and I wonder why people are convinced I have a drinking problem; thank you, THANK YOU TJ YATES. Final score, 27-31, State.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Save As: tjyatesisaweenie.jpg
Because Carolina/Maryland is on ESPNU today and Time Warner cable hates WWTHD? and does not want us to have shep. says: That's how I feel when I watch Carolina games ... desolate and like dudes are running away from me after having tossed me down and kicked my ass.
That's all we've got today, folks, except for a bottle of Jack, a frozen pizza, Joe Pa on the TV and an exhibition game to go to. Hopefully we'll be back later with a joint preview of the basketball season, but we may just come home, get drunk, and watch FSU/BC on the TiVo, too.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
"Corso just called Rece sweetheart."
shep.'s moving furniture today, so I'm on TJ Yates Sacks Duty. Last weekend, when both Duke and Carolina had off days, A. pointed out that it was a great day, because we couldn't lose! Nobody could be sacked! To which I responded that I felt somebody in Chapel Hill was likely to see TJ Yates walking down Franklin Street in the afternoon on Saturday and be overcome with rage and just sack him, right there on the street. Because that's how TJ Yates rolls, guys, and that's how he forces the rest of us to roll, too.
So I'm here and I have Burger King and also Jack Daniels in my Dr. Pepper, and if TJ Yates loves me, he won't fall down too much, because I just don't think I can stand it if he does.
Pre-Game:
... Lincoln Financial announcers, TJ Yates has not been great under center this year! HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE SAME TEAM WE HAVE? ARE YOU IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I'M MARRIED TO A ROCK STAR? HOW DO I GET TO THAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, OMG?
14:44, first quarter:
First snap of the game, after a great 30-yard return by B.Tate, TJ Yates throws an interception. I go put more Jack Daniels in my drink.
13:05, first quarter:
So I'm TiVoing the WFU/UNC game, so as to be able to see easily who sacks TJ, but I've got W(F)VU/Rutgers on the other band because it's West Fucking Virginia, and, okay, Ray Rice? Is sort of a midget. I don't know, I guess I thought a fearsome rusher like Rice would be taller.
Also, TJ got this pass off -- to his own receiver, this time -- before he was taken down at the waist. Oh, TJ. I know you miss shep., but I love you, too!
Wake Forest has a player named Boo. That's pretty awesome, no lie.
10:54, first quarter:
Chantz McClinic sacks TJ on third-and-five for a ten yard loss. The Tar Heels continue to appall me. Butch Davis looks for antacids on the sidelines.
Also, Chantz McClinic: great football name or greatest football name?
8:29, first quarter:
Since TJ's been on the field for approximately a minute and a half today, I'm going to just start sharing my drunken feelings with y'all, and my number one drunken feeling is that I'm simultaneously appalled and hilariously amused at the -- hey, Carolina sacked somebody! Awesome -- line of college football announcer jargon written on a Post-It on our coffee table, leftover from VT/BC Thursday: "flush him out with inside penetration". Okay, college football announcers: I don't care if there's actually real live butt sex going on at the O-line, please, never say this again.
... You could show me the butt sex, though, if that happened.
Butch, I have a lot of Jack Daniels. You should come over. You look like you need it.
0:38, first quarter:
TJ, did you just accidentally run for a first down? I THINK YOU DID. I love it when you do things and then come up from the bottom of the pile and look sort of surprised that you were successful.
14:48, second quarter:
Connor Barth, you are the only reason I haven't beaten TJ Yates down yet this season. I'm just sayin'. Carolina on the board, 3-10, aaaaaaand, while I'm typing this, Wake returns the kickoff for a touchdown. 17-3, Wake Forest. I need more Jack.
13:26, second quarter:
FOUR FALSE START PENALTIES. SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GONNA ROLL, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TJ.
12:26, second quarter:
TJ, when you fall down, it's almost as bad as when you get sacked.
8:11, second quarter:
TJ Yates was a shooting guard in high school? That so totally explains why he ... was just sacked by a dude named Boo. Boo Robinson. Oh, TJ.
1:53, second quarter:
Stanley Arnoux sacks TJ Yates after TJ pump-fakes one too many times. I got nothin', people. I. The jokes, I can't even write 'em, because they're already there.
Oh, my God, it's only half-time? If I die of alcohol poisoning before the end of this game, tell TJ Yates I hated him, and tell my mother I loved her.
11:33, third quarter:
Somebody call 911, I think Butch Davis just had a stroke. Or a rage blackout. Possibly both, at the same time. Frankly, I don't blame him.
10:11, third quarter:
... holy shit, DID WE CAUSE A TURNOVER? AND RECOVER? AND KEEP IT? Bless you, Durrell Mapp, bless you. And of course it's reviewed. Because I can't have nice things. And I'm out of Dr. Pepper. And after review: THIS WASN'T THE KIND OF LUBELESS BUTT SEX I MEANT, ACC OFFICIATING CREW, JESUS CHRIST.
1:20, third quarter:
Guys, I really want to go take a nap, but TJ might get sacked about 14 times in the fourth quarter, so I can't. But I really want to. This game makes me sad. Except for Wake Forest kicker Sam Swank, who trumps Chantz McClinic for greatest football name ever. Sam Swank, I know I'm not supposed to love you, but your name is pretty awesome.
Carolina football makes me so sad.
End of the third quarter:
TJ completes two straight passes to end the third quarter and I start looking for my alternate universe rock star husband; fourth quarter starts and TJ sacks himself on one of his own backs and I go back to drinking my beer alone without love from rock stars.
14:04, fourth quarter:
TD, YATES TO ROME! I'd like to send TJ Yates to Rome. He couldn't throw interceptions or sack himself on Hakeem Nicks's elbow if he was in Rome.
13:46, fourth quarter:
Wake Forest TD. I really should have taken that nap. 30-10, WFU.
11:00, fourth quarter:
TJ Yates tosses another interception to Aaron Curry, who returns it 77 yards for a touchdown. I start drinking the banana liqueur in the kitchen.
9:56, fourth quarter:
DOWN GOES YATES. THIS DUDE WHO SACKED YOU IS NAMED BOO, TJ, YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A QB. BRING ME MIKE PAULUS. AND ANOTHER BEER.
8:50, fourth quarter:
TJ YATES IS OUR QB BECAUSE HE WASN'T RECRUITED BY A MAJOR D1 SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL, JESUS CHRIST.
3:10, fourth quarter:
Look, I just need to make this point: Wes Miller was approximately 4 feet tall, but a good enough basketball player to earn a scholarship on Roy Williams' team, and start considerable minutes his junior year. TJ Yates is such a bad basketball player that he can't play for The Roy, but we made him our QB instead. How. How is this earth logic, Butch? I know I'm drunk, but I just can't process the news of this. TJ Yates got recruited for football because he was too bad at basketball.
Bring me the little Paulus, Butch. Please.
Final score: Wake Forest 37, Carolina 10. TJ Yates threw two interceptions, was sacked by Wake four times, and sacked himself at least twice. Is it basketball yet?
So I'm here and I have Burger King and also Jack Daniels in my Dr. Pepper, and if TJ Yates loves me, he won't fall down too much, because I just don't think I can stand it if he does.
Pre-Game:
... Lincoln Financial announcers, TJ Yates has not been great under center this year! HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE SAME TEAM WE HAVE? ARE YOU IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I'M MARRIED TO A ROCK STAR? HOW DO I GET TO THAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, OMG?
14:44, first quarter:
First snap of the game, after a great 30-yard return by B.Tate, TJ Yates throws an interception. I go put more Jack Daniels in my drink.
13:05, first quarter:
So I'm TiVoing the WFU/UNC game, so as to be able to see easily who sacks TJ, but I've got W(F)VU/Rutgers on the other band because it's West Fucking Virginia, and, okay, Ray Rice? Is sort of a midget. I don't know, I guess I thought a fearsome rusher like Rice would be taller.
Also, TJ got this pass off -- to his own receiver, this time -- before he was taken down at the waist. Oh, TJ. I know you miss shep., but I love you, too!
Wake Forest has a player named Boo. That's pretty awesome, no lie.
10:54, first quarter:
Chantz McClinic sacks TJ on third-and-five for a ten yard loss. The Tar Heels continue to appall me. Butch Davis looks for antacids on the sidelines.
Also, Chantz McClinic: great football name or greatest football name?
8:29, first quarter:
Since TJ's been on the field for approximately a minute and a half today, I'm going to just start sharing my drunken feelings with y'all, and my number one drunken feeling is that I'm simultaneously appalled and hilariously amused at the -- hey, Carolina sacked somebody! Awesome -- line of college football announcer jargon written on a Post-It on our coffee table, leftover from VT/BC Thursday: "flush him out with inside penetration". Okay, college football announcers: I don't care if there's actually real live butt sex going on at the O-line, please, never say this again.
... You could show me the butt sex, though, if that happened.
Butch, I have a lot of Jack Daniels. You should come over. You look like you need it.
0:38, first quarter:
TJ, did you just accidentally run for a first down? I THINK YOU DID. I love it when you do things and then come up from the bottom of the pile and look sort of surprised that you were successful.
14:48, second quarter:
Connor Barth, you are the only reason I haven't beaten TJ Yates down yet this season. I'm just sayin'. Carolina on the board, 3-10, aaaaaaand, while I'm typing this, Wake returns the kickoff for a touchdown. 17-3, Wake Forest. I need more Jack.
13:26, second quarter:
FOUR FALSE START PENALTIES. SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GONNA ROLL, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TJ.
12:26, second quarter:
TJ, when you fall down, it's almost as bad as when you get sacked.
8:11, second quarter:
TJ Yates was a shooting guard in high school? That so totally explains why he ... was just sacked by a dude named Boo. Boo Robinson. Oh, TJ.
1:53, second quarter:
Stanley Arnoux sacks TJ Yates after TJ pump-fakes one too many times. I got nothin', people. I. The jokes, I can't even write 'em, because they're already there.
Oh, my God, it's only half-time? If I die of alcohol poisoning before the end of this game, tell TJ Yates I hated him, and tell my mother I loved her.
11:33, third quarter:
Somebody call 911, I think Butch Davis just had a stroke. Or a rage blackout. Possibly both, at the same time. Frankly, I don't blame him.
10:11, third quarter:
... holy shit, DID WE CAUSE A TURNOVER? AND RECOVER? AND KEEP IT? Bless you, Durrell Mapp, bless you. And of course it's reviewed. Because I can't have nice things. And I'm out of Dr. Pepper. And after review: THIS WASN'T THE KIND OF LUBELESS BUTT SEX I MEANT, ACC OFFICIATING CREW, JESUS CHRIST.
1:20, third quarter:
Guys, I really want to go take a nap, but TJ might get sacked about 14 times in the fourth quarter, so I can't. But I really want to. This game makes me sad. Except for Wake Forest kicker Sam Swank, who trumps Chantz McClinic for greatest football name ever. Sam Swank, I know I'm not supposed to love you, but your name is pretty awesome.
Carolina football makes me so sad.
End of the third quarter:
TJ completes two straight passes to end the third quarter and I start looking for my alternate universe rock star husband; fourth quarter starts and TJ sacks himself on one of his own backs and I go back to drinking my beer alone without love from rock stars.
14:04, fourth quarter:
TD, YATES TO ROME! I'd like to send TJ Yates to Rome. He couldn't throw interceptions or sack himself on Hakeem Nicks's elbow if he was in Rome.
13:46, fourth quarter:
Wake Forest TD. I really should have taken that nap. 30-10, WFU.
11:00, fourth quarter:
TJ Yates tosses another interception to Aaron Curry, who returns it 77 yards for a touchdown. I start drinking the banana liqueur in the kitchen.
9:56, fourth quarter:
DOWN GOES YATES. THIS DUDE WHO SACKED YOU IS NAMED BOO, TJ, YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A QB. BRING ME MIKE PAULUS. AND ANOTHER BEER.
8:50, fourth quarter:
TJ YATES IS OUR QB BECAUSE HE WASN'T RECRUITED BY A MAJOR D1 SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL, JESUS CHRIST.
3:10, fourth quarter:
Look, I just need to make this point: Wes Miller was approximately 4 feet tall, but a good enough basketball player to earn a scholarship on Roy Williams' team, and start considerable minutes his junior year. TJ Yates is such a bad basketball player that he can't play for The Roy, but we made him our QB instead. How. How is this earth logic, Butch? I know I'm drunk, but I just can't process the news of this. TJ Yates got recruited for football because he was too bad at basketball.
Bring me the little Paulus, Butch. Please.
Final score: Wake Forest 37, Carolina 10. TJ Yates threw two interceptions, was sacked by Wake four times, and sacked himself at least twice. Is it basketball yet?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
"what kind of breakfast food does one eat with a pumpkin beer?"
This evening, dex. and I are volunteering in Durham for World Beer Festival: partially for the exposure to hundreds of new beers, and partially because the fest sold out in a matter of days and we missed the ticket window, but mostly for access to the all-you-can drink volunteer after-party next week, where the volunteers get free food and all the leftover booze we can handle. It's not a bad life, okay? I'm pretty good with it.
I can't lie, we're also getting the hell out of the house so we don't end up sitting here, watching baseball and crying into our pineapple-upholstered couch. Yeeeeah. We should talk about it, really, but I'm not ready. Let's run a sack-count instead!
13:42, first quarter:
Yates sacked somewhere around the 40 yard line, by Teraz McCray, and then -- well -- you can't really call it puppy-piling when the "puppies" are the size of draft horses, can you? Maybe you can. I'm going to, damn it! Three Miami defenders jumping on Yates! Not sure yet whether it's going to be harder being Yates today, or me. This was all on the first third down, naturally. Man, Carolina; it's five after noon, I just woke up from a late-morning nap, and I already need a beer. Thanks.
11:25, second quarter:
TOUCHDOWN TJ YATES. This is totally worth noting, people, as it is Yates' first career rushing touchdown, achieved by falling into the end zone. Literally. You have to laugh and cheer, people, because the Tar Heels are up! 17-0! And it's way too early to start crying.
4:51, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a 20 yard pass to Joe Dailey for 20 yards to complete the first down. WHO IS THIS POD PERSON WEARING NUMBER 13, I AM CONFUSED. I like him, though, so please, Butch, keep real!Yates chained up in the basement a while longer.
2:50, second quarter:
MIKE PAULUS NAMECHECK AND IT WAS NEITHER ME NOR DEX., HOLY SHIT.
2:30, second quarter:
And TJ Yates falls down while attempting to rush. Welcome back, real!Yates. Welcome back.
5:37, third quarter:
You didn't think I was still watching, did you? Buuuuurn. Anyway. I know it's a sack, technically, but I always think it should be called something different when it's a defender taking the quarterback down with an arm around the knees. It wasn't even like Teraz McCray clothes-lined Yates; he hooked his arm around Yates' knees and dragged his little ass to the grass. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, REAL!YATES. SEND ME THE POD AND SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN.
14:51, fourth quarter:
Heh, ESPN said TJ Yates pump-faked one too many times, and now he's getting an elbow scrape cleaned up. Poor baby; I'd imagine too much pumping on the field could be hazardous to one's health. Sacked by Vegas Franklin on the third down, but Connor Barth came in and bailed him out with a field goal. Seriously, too much pump-faking, I can't stop giggling. I'm legally old enough to drink this beer, I promise.
10:59, fourth quarter:
"TJ, you gotta lower your head, try to get that last couple yards. I know you're a quarterback and not a mobile guy, but ..."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ESPN busting TJ Yates' ass, even when he actually carries the ball for eight yards, will never get old.
I can't lie, we're also getting the hell out of the house so we don't end up sitting here, watching baseball and crying into our pineapple-upholstered couch. Yeeeeah. We should talk about it, really, but I'm not ready. Let's run a sack-count instead!
13:42, first quarter:
Yates sacked somewhere around the 40 yard line, by Teraz McCray, and then -- well -- you can't really call it puppy-piling when the "puppies" are the size of draft horses, can you? Maybe you can. I'm going to, damn it! Three Miami defenders jumping on Yates! Not sure yet whether it's going to be harder being Yates today, or me. This was all on the first third down, naturally. Man, Carolina; it's five after noon, I just woke up from a late-morning nap, and I already need a beer. Thanks.
11:25, second quarter:
TOUCHDOWN TJ YATES. This is totally worth noting, people, as it is Yates' first career rushing touchdown, achieved by falling into the end zone. Literally. You have to laugh and cheer, people, because the Tar Heels are up! 17-0! And it's way too early to start crying.
4:51, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a 20 yard pass to Joe Dailey for 20 yards to complete the first down. WHO IS THIS POD PERSON WEARING NUMBER 13, I AM CONFUSED. I like him, though, so please, Butch, keep real!Yates chained up in the basement a while longer.
2:50, second quarter:
MIKE PAULUS NAMECHECK AND IT WAS NEITHER ME NOR DEX., HOLY SHIT.
2:30, second quarter:
And TJ Yates falls down while attempting to rush. Welcome back, real!Yates. Welcome back.
5:37, third quarter:
You didn't think I was still watching, did you? Buuuuurn. Anyway. I know it's a sack, technically, but I always think it should be called something different when it's a defender taking the quarterback down with an arm around the knees. It wasn't even like Teraz McCray clothes-lined Yates; he hooked his arm around Yates' knees and dragged his little ass to the grass. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, REAL!YATES. SEND ME THE POD AND SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN.
14:51, fourth quarter:
Heh, ESPN said TJ Yates pump-faked one too many times, and now he's getting an elbow scrape cleaned up. Poor baby; I'd imagine too much pumping on the field could be hazardous to one's health. Sacked by Vegas Franklin on the third down, but Connor Barth came in and bailed him out with a field goal. Seriously, too much pump-faking, I can't stop giggling. I'm legally old enough to drink this beer, I promise.
10:59, fourth quarter:
"TJ, you gotta lower your head, try to get that last couple yards. I know you're a quarterback and not a mobile guy, but ..."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ESPN busting TJ Yates' ass, even when he actually carries the ball for eight yards, will never get old.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
"man-on-man coverage!" "what, what?!"
It's college football day, here in the home of WWTHD?, and man, can the Tar Heels not play football or what? Seriously, guys. Seriously. It's 1230pm, I've busted out the Jack Daniels, and all that's left for me is a live-blog account of TJ Yates getting sacked. I can't help it, dear readers; I love him, and he's not a bad quarterback but I laugh every time: he is six feet, three inches of wretched human being. Maybe if we're lucky -- and by lucky, I mean phenomenally unlucky, because I don't understand why someone would want such a thing -- Butch Davis will put the baby!Paulus in today. Gosh, watching the baby!Paulus playing football is like being drunk without the work.
Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.
1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.
1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)
2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.
3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.
3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!
3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.
3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.
3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.
4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.
4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.
For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.
4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.
4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!
Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.
Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.
1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.
1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)
2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.
3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.
3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!
3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.
3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.
3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.
4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.
4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.
For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.
4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.
4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!
Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)