Saturday, April 10, 2010

sometimes i have more opinions than i know what to do with

I am reviving this space for a post of sports-related odds and ends I wanted to talk about and didn't have the venue for elsewhere. Perhaps I shall return permanently and write long odes to Jacob Stallings' emergence as not just a great pitcher's catcher but also a contributing member of the UNC baseball team's offense! Last night he walked four times!
  • This week I wrote and discarded a very defensive post about the baseball team and their season, complete with statistics to back up the fact that we should have a better record than we do, because I decided that a) no one but shep. cared and I already spent last Sunday night figuring updated ERAs and BB/9 rates for all our pitchers and reading them to her in the living room in front of the ESPN Sunday Night MLB game and b) it was probably politically incorrect to refer to any of our outfielders as midgets even if two of them are in fact under 5'7".

  • The Future of Quarterbacking at Carolina is also doing time this spring at DH and 1B for the baseball team, and John Shoop, Butch's O-Coordinator, is being very passive-aggressively bitchy about having to share Bryn Renner with Mike Fox. We, for two, are pro Bryn Renner playing baseball simply because he loves it that much, and as I said on Twitter a while back, in response to a discussion at the ballpark of how QB time would be split between TJ Yates and Renner this fall, if I run TJ Yates over with my car Bryn Renner will start all the time. Also, whenever I think about John Shoop, a coach on a team that's been far less successful than the baseball team historically, being passive-aggressive at Mike Fox's program, my head starts to hurt.

  • Last night shep. and I both were pleased that Matt Harvey got the win against State, because he deserved it, and today we're going to the spring football game of our own free will, and I feel a little like I've been Stockholmed without realizing it.

  • Mike Leake comes out of spring training to win the job as the Reds' fifth starter, making his MLB debut tomorrow against the Cubs, and while a lot of people seem to be scratching their heads over the naming of a 22 year old rookie an MLB starter, let me just say: y'all, we watched Mike Leake take Carolina's lineup apart not once but twice in the College World Series last year. The lineup that included #2 draft pick Dustin Ackley, who could seriously swing a toothpick at a change-up in the dirt and connect for a base hit. Leake was a scarily polished pitcher even last year, and Pat Casey has (well, had, I suppose, since he's now out at Arizona State) a reputation for grooming mature and well-seasoned players, so I'm not surprised that the Reds, who've struggled for the past, well, quite a while, are staking as much as they are on Leake -- a pitcher like this kid could be a franchise-changer, if only through the optimism his success would bring. Do I like the idea of that poor baby in Dusty Baker's hands? Not really. Does the idea of Mike Leake skipping the minors entirely surprise me? Not really.

  • Newsflash: the Orioles are still trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I'm mailing Mike Gonzalez back to Atlanta. Miguel Tejada is being useless in the 4 spot. No one is surprised by any of this. The Wiets was hitting .500 through the first three games, though!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

dean smith: still the king.

Carolina, behind the stellar running game of Shaun Draughn, dropped the Citadel 40-6 last night in the home opener. TJ Yates threw more touchdowns (2) than interceptions (1) and, I believe, was only sacked once. Citadel hung both their field goals on Carolina's second-string defense late in the fourth quarter, breaking up the shut-out, but aside from the rusty, no-score first quarter, I'd say that's something to be optimistic about. Except for TJ Yates. We're never optimistic about Mr. Yates over here. (And hey: at least we weren't as bad as most of the rest of the ACC! Those numbers are just sad.)

Never mind that I spent two hours sitting in traffic on the way home from work on Friday afternoon cursing the Carolina athletic department's clever scheduling, Roy Williams, Butch Davis, TJ Yates, everyone who had come in from out of town for the alumni basketball game, and Greg Paulus while fighting back into Chapel Hill against pre-game traffic, I had a fantastically good time reading about it yesterday morning and I wish we'd gone. Some reading highlights for y'all:
News & Observer: For UNC basketball, a 'family' reunion: For a moment on Friday night, the Four Corners offense returned to North Carolina.

The fact that it was being run by 2009 Naismith Award winner Ty Lawson -- and against 1978 National Player of the Year Phil Ford, who was coaching the opposite team -- was just another memory to add to 100 years worth in Tar Heel blue.

Carolina Blue: UNC assembles collection of stars: It looked like an NBA all-star game.

With 14:59 left in the first half, Carter got a rebound and on the break, he threw the ball off the backboard, got the ball and dunked it.

From Adam Lucas at Tar Heel Blue: On The Inside: You know the type: 18 Final Fours. Six national championships. Thirty NBA championship rings. 17 ACC tournament championships. Eleven ACC players of the year. 39 NBA first-round draft picks.

We know all these numbers because it's part of our education as a Carolina fan. But seeing them all together on one page, it's remarkable--even to those who lived it.

Buzz Peterson was about halfway down the list when he paused. "Wow," he said. "This is a pretty impressive list."
When you put all the alumni from our program together like they did on Friday night, it is without a doubt pretty damn huge. To outsiders, I suspect it may seem wankily self-congratulatory, but I'm glad the program did it, even if I wasn't there.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

"can it help protect your house from greg paulus, though?" "no, only deron washington can do that."

So, internets, it's been eleven months. Eleven long months, in which much alcohol was consumed and even more UNC football, basketball and baseball was watched, and celebrated, and mourned. We know you've missed us, dear readers, just as we've missed an actual reason to start drinking at 1030am. I promise we won't leave you like that again.

So, 2009, may Allah help us. TJ Yates is a junior, so unless he develops and showcases talent previously unknown to THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNIVERSE, we'll be forced to endure two more seasons of his wretch, wretch ass. If you've been here before, you know 'excited' is not really the word to describe my feelings about this. 'Resigned', maybe; 'wasted', definitely. But I'm breathing easy today because oh, UNC vs The Citadel? Is not on tv. It's not even on local Raycom tv, so, well. There's only one thing left for me to do: I'm going to live-blog Greg Paulus' college football debut as the Syracuse Orangemen host the Minnesota Golden Gophers.


There are several reasons for this endeavor, most of which has been forgotten in a beer-and-jack daniels-soaked haze. What you need to keep foremost in your minds is the fact that Greg Paulus, that ridiculous floor-slapping, chest-pounding manchild who was teabagged so brilliantly at Duke it's been immortalized for all to see, is going to be a starting quarterback for an entire year. A PAULUS, STARTING FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. I THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT ME, BUT THE NCAA BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN. If there's a better reason for me to drink, let me know; dex. and I need in on that action like motherfuckers.

I have a beer, I have a spiked coffee, I have some apple pie à la mode. I am ready.

14:53, first quarter:
WE HAVE MISSED OUR FIRST SNAP AND FALLEN DOWN, AND MINNESOTA RECOVERED THE BALL. OH MAN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAN. Twelve seconds later and Minnesota has scored their first touchdown. Well done, Greg! (Can I call you Greg? It's better than the things I called you during the basketball season, trust me.) Awesome. Well done.

13:34, first quarter:
After finding no one to throw to, Greg runs the ball and does not get sacked. A Gopher threw himself at Greg and he jumped over him, and on the next play made the pitch. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

a. (beloved Duke alumni and Greg lover-hater): (this) did make me realize that paulus is the type of dude who cannot enjoy sex because he spends too much time thinking REALLY hard about his next step

Oh god, my life.

11:05, first quarter:
Greg has completed his first pass and still hasn't been sacked. Did someone change my whiskey to water?

dex.: pam ward picking on the paulus is also killing me
a.: pam is just happy there is a bigger lesbian there than her today

We have new across-the-hall neighbors, here in Chapel Hill, and we have thoroughly scared the fuck out of them. JESUS CHRIST, ESPN, STOP SHOWING HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS OF GREG, I NEED THIS LIVER TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS.

6:44, first quarter:
Whilst the referees discuss a flag thrown (Minnesota offsides), Greg slapped a ref's ass. Twice. There you are, Greg! Now you just need someone to put their balls on your face.

5:02, first quarter:
GREG PAULUS, TACKLED. Let me tell you, one guy took him out at the knees and then three more jumped on top of him. IT HAS BEGUN.

:51, first quarter:
We have our first mention of the baby Paulus, beloved of our hearts! Alas, it came with a mention of TJ Yates; the less said about that fuck right now, the better.

:32, first quarter:
Greg Paulus throws a 29-yard pass to Mike Williams for his first college touchdown. I repeat: Greg has scored his first college touchdown. However, let the record show that Williams was standing alone in his corner of the backfield, and the nearest Gopher was at least two-three yards away. If Greg had thrown to anyone else on that play, I can only hope someone on his team would grab him by the shirtfront and slap him in the face.

I will do that to Greg one day, but that's actually inappropriate for this forum.

12:25, second quarter:
GREG PAULUS, SACKED FOR THE FIRST TIME WHILST DAWDLING WITH THE BALL. Shit, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. Just scooting about, fucking about with the ball, and then squashed between two big dudes? Simoni Lawrence and Lee Campbell! Gentlemen, I would buy you drinks! But only if you were in Chapel Hill, and I didn't have to put on pants.

If ESPN loves me, they replay that sack over and over again.

1:34, second quarter:
ESPN has just referred to Greg as The General. 'GENERAL GREG PAULUS', dex. hollered from the other side of the room. Yes, in all-caps. Baby Paulus, where are you and why aren't you bringing me fresh beer?

Minnesota 14, Syracuse 20. Duke AND Syracuse fans everywhere are stroking out, mostly because they have no idea what to do with this shit. I'd sympathize, but I'm too busy watching Greg Paulus crash Twitter.

10:48, third quarter:
Donovan McNabb is complimenting Greg on national television. I understand he should do this, as a Syracuse football alum, but good god almighty. On the other hand, Greg has been -- shocking, I know -- playing reasonably decent football.

Somewhere, the baby Paulus is drunk and proud and angry and sad. Yes, all four of those things at once. Yes, I am certain. Well, certain of at least three of those four things.

7:44, third quarter:
Greg takes a late hit after throwing to Mike Williams. Man, Garrett Brown put him on his ass. ESPN condemns such action and granted, it's not very sportsmanlike, but I do love a good tackle. Buck up, Greg, That turf has to be softer than the hardwood!

Someone, take my vodka lemonade away.

3:40, third quarter:

Greg, on Mike Krzyzewksi:
I love Coach, I have a great relationship with him. I've learned so much from him, and playing for him in the last four years. The preparation and the work ethic he has, after all the success he's had, he's the first one in there, the last one there, spending the nights there, watching film, getting us ready to go --

Make of this information what you will. If you infer from this that perhaps Greg stayed the night with Coach K., 'watching film' -- well. Well.

:17, fourth quarter:
Greg sacked by DJ Wilhite and sadly, it's a weak little sack that's basically just a clothesline to the calves that knocked Greg on his ass. AS GREG GETS TO HIS FEET, THE GAMECLOCK RUNS OUT. Jesus.

Now, despite a.'s numerous attempts to explain it to me, I do not understand college football overtime. I'm not a stupid person, but it's like my pickled brain just pfffft -- doesn't grasp what is going on. However, I do know Greg has one more attempt to do some shit, so I'm going to drink water and attempt to figure this hullabaloo out.

GREG THROWS A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE AND IT IS INTERCEPTED BY MINNESOTA, WHO WINS THE GAME WITH A 35-YARD FIELD GOAL. Oh Greg, losing a game despite his best efforts! This feeling, it is so familiar. Final score: Minnesota 23, Syracuse 20.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

notre dame/unc live blog.

It got to be time to just move the bottle and the shot glasses into the living room.

Barths are responsible for all nine of Carolina's points at half time. We miss his brother a lot. And shep. would like Cam Sexton to know that we never resorted to moving the bottle to the living room when TJ Yates was quarterback.

In about four minutes, we're going to be too hammered to type, so please: enjoy this game, and somebody punch Jimmy Clausen in the face at halftime.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

ecu/nc state is not a rivalry, okay, espn? sheesh.

The Official Accurate TJ Yates Live Sack Count Blog is on vacation with shep. in New York, but I'll try to put a few thoughts together here and there throughout the game -- if they cease abruptly, it's just because I've fallen asleep on the couch.

9:11, first quarter: The defense (and special teams) continue to impress me as Mark Paschal picks off Tyrod Taylor's fourth or fifth pass of the game for a Va Tech turnover at the Va Tech 20.

9:00, first quarter: Yates completes his first pass to a tight end in Carolina's season, and has thus far gone six minutes without falling down. Greg Little, on the other hand, seems unable to gain any ground running, so perhaps after two wasted downs we go with something else, John Schoop.

7:22, first quarter: Loose ball -- ABC announcers in replay say that TJ Yates fumbled the ball, and the way that he was hit, it wouldn't surprise me -- but it's ruled an incomplete pass on the ground. Seems to be some confusion -- sack, fumble, TJ Yates falling on his face -- and Jay Wooten's subsequent field goal does not appear to be ruled good.

I may have already drunk too much beer to analyze this game thoughtfully.

7:16, first quarter: Okay, it was ruled a fumble, recovered by Va Tech. And then Tyrod Taylor is sacked by Robert Quinn. Our defense is lookin' goooooood this year.

6:42, first quarter: Va Tech calls a time out. Isn't it a little early for time outs, Beamer?

... the Beam just called another time out, and no time ticked off the clock. I would start drinking Jack Daniels -- I bought more just for this game -- but then I discovered that we failed to buy toilet paper before shep. went on vacation, and I'm going to have to stumble to the Teeter to buy more toilet paper at half time, which means I have to be unfortunately sober at that time.

6:35, first quarter: Holding on Va Tech, 2nd & 21 on their on 8 and a half. Our defense is bad-ass.

6:08, first quarter: Mostly I just wanted to type, Va Tech on their own 3, 3rd & 26. I'm not made of stone, okay?

5:21, first quarter: Punt lands on the 42. TV shows Cam Sexton, who is truly a teeny dude compared to some of his teammates, and who if he isn't busy taking snaps (and he's not) could really come over and help me drink beer. TJ Yates throws it away, but at least he didn't get sacked.


4:49, first quarter: TJ Yates sacked by Nekos Brown! Loss of 5 yards on 3rd and 10. What happened to last week's pod person? I don't like this TJ Yates.

1:24, first quarter: TJ Yates completes a pass on the third down for the first time this game! Caught by Hakeem Nicks, who is all things to all men, particularly when you equate "men" for "people who help TJ Yates suck less".

0:03, first quarter: Yates hands off to Brooks Foster, who tears downfield before stepping out at the 14. We'll start at the 14, first down, at the top of the second quarter.

12:58, second quarter: TJ Yates, on the 6 yard line on a 4th down, lets the play count run down and we lose five yards for delay of game. Jay Wooten comes on and actually makes a field goal, so at least we didn't walk away empty handed. I curse TJ Yates' name, pray to the Littlest Paulus, and drink more beer.

8:54, second quarter: Va Tech uses the last of their time-outs after a confusing possible fumble and recover by, in fact, Va Tech, which would give them the ball at first and goal. This game has been poorly officiated and poorly filmed; two-thirds of the most interesting plays haven't had good angles on them.

Why is our offense playing so poorly? Our defense -- Mark Paschal, whose name I hadn't ever heard before today, in particular -- has been spectacularly hard-nosed today, and TJ Yates and the offense have just wandered around with their thumbs up their asses for close to 22 minutes now.

(It was a fumble and Va Tech recovery. And a late flag after a hard hit on Va Tech's Evans, who's still on the ground -- but a Va Tech penalty, thank God.)

6:01, second quarter: The trouble with watching football alone is that I inevitably end up talking to the television, since the cats are uninterested in my opinions on TJ Yates.

4:18, second quarter: This has been a terribly penalty-ridden game; our biggest flaws haven't actually been TJ Yates', but rather penalties for things like illegal formations while punting on a 4th down, or the previous play where an offensive lineman was called for holding after TJ Yates had completed a lovely pass for a third down. It could be worse, though. It could be much worse.

3:10, second quarter: Bruce Carter almost blocks Va Tech's punt. Brandon Tate still hasn't touched the ball, on offense or on special teams, returning punts. And in 1998, Carolina football was ranked #7. I have to keep drinking, I can't deal with that kind of world-shattering. What do you mean our football team hasn't always sucked?

2:12, second quarter: Brandon Tate finally catches a 15-yarder from TJ Yates, and gains another 15 rushing.

1:02, second quarter: TJ Yates to Brandon Tate, AGAIN, 32 yards, for a TOUCHDOWN. Brandon flagged for excessive celebration -- at the 4 yard, he dove into the end zone even though it wasn't necessary. Jay Wooten makes the extra point. UNC 10, Va Tech 3.

At half-time, Yahoo! Sports reports to me that TJ Yates has been sacked twice. I apologize for missing the second sack. I probably just assumed that TJ fell over. It happens, you know. UNC has also been assessed 55 penalty yards -- some of them have been stupid, too. I hope Butch reams them out for that over the break.

13:05, third quarter: Deonte Williams picks Tyrod Taylor's pass for the second Carolina interception of the game. Dude's got some ups -- Roy, put him on the basketball team this year.

11:11, third quarter: Another UNC penalty. (I can't take any player named Macho seriously.) TJ's settled, but our O-line is flinching and getting penalties for it, which isn't good. We should be up 17-3 now, at least.

10:38, third quarter: Butch goes for it on the 4th down, elevates, and brings down the Yates pass for a first down. God DAMN, Hakeem Nicks.

9:42, third quarter: TJ Yates sacked for a 12 yard loss. Somewhere shep.'s head just started hurting and she doesn't know why.

9:09, third quarter: I manage to cause injury to TJ Yates with my brain, for which I am seriously sorry, although if it means we get a Paulus on the next series, I'll be unrepentant. Looked like either an ankle or a hamstring that took TJ down -- he's off with a serious limp. Paulus is warming up on the sidelines as Carolina punts to Va Tech.

8:50, third quarter: I'd thank God for our punters if I believed in God. We've pinned them with great field position for us all game.

6:53, third quarter: Mike Paulus's first snap of the game is handed off to Greg Little for a touchdown. My friends, my friends: I believe we have just seen the ushering in of the Mike Paulus Era at Carolina, and I could not be happier.

1:14, third quarter: 95 yards in penalties? Seriously? SERIOUSLY, BUTCH? Fucking do something about that, that's disgraceful.

... So that's what 60,000 people booing sounds like. Huh.

0:39, third quarter: Somebody for UNC fumbles, probably the Paulus, and Va Tech recovers. I make another drink.

12:56, fourth quarter: ... I love Mike Paulus, but I think -- I can't believe I'm going to type this; shep. is going to make me sleep on the porch for a month for this -- I think we need TJ. He's a doofus but he's a doofus with field experience. Hasn't thrown an interception this year, and as soon as he goes out, save Paulus's initial touchdown, we've crumbled since TJ went down.

115 yards of penalties for UNC. I'm going to blow something up.

11:20, fourth quarter: Who the eff is Mark Paschal? How come I've never heard of him before today. He just sacked Tyrod Taylor.

9:56, fourth quarter: So my Jack Daniels-altered thought is that the problem isn't TJ Yates; it's just that there's no quarterback good enough for the football team as there is a point guard for the basketball team. Mike Paulus, you are no Raymond Felton. But I'd totally take you over your brother. I might take you over Ty Lawson, I haven't decided yet.

7:24, fourth quarter: Paulus tosses an interception to Macho Harris for Va Tech. I give up and lie on the floor drinking my Jack Daniels & cream soda through a straw.

6:28, fourth quarter: Tyrod Taylor goes down in a similar ankle injury to TJ Yates. Sean Glennon comes in. I stop bothering to mix my Jack with anything.

1:21, fourth quarter: 4th and 15, Mike Paulus throws another interception. The refs look at the play to see if maybe Hakeem Nicks came up with the ball. My liver starts weeping for mercy.

I think the officials just bent us over and screwed us out of this game. God DAMN it.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

"that car is very homo--" "TJ Yates is in JERSEY, okay."

Hello interwebs, hello. Blogger tells me we haven't used this space in almost five months, and if I could remember most of the spring and summer, I'd apologize; concert season and college baseball were upon us, and we were far too busy driving, drinking and weeping to actually pay attention to the internet. Key word: weeping, because man, let it never be said we don't over-invest in nineteen-year old dudes with aluminum bats. What. We may be alcoholics but we're not made of stone.

Anyway, we're back from our impromptu hiatus, with some drunken wailing if not a vengeance, because the UNC Tar Heels play their second game of the 2008 football season tonight. Against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, on national television -- we would've been back last week, I swear, but they didn't even televise the McNeese State game in Chapel Hill. The Tar Heels haven't won a game out-of-state in six years! Because the Tar Heels are not good football players! Who knew? Apparently this is a big deal and everyone was unaware. Guys, I have to work in ten hours but right now, I have eight pumpkin beers, a National Guard sergeant singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' so sweetly, and a motherfucking sack count to liveblog. Let's do this shit.

14:48, first quarter:
We have: mentioned TJ Yates' lack of football experience (two years of high school ball!!1! TWO OH GOD), watched TJ Yates throw an incomplete pass against the hands of a Rutgers receiver. I: may not have enough beer for this game.

Some unrelated-to-gameplay notes while the Scar. Knights knock us around like high school cheerleaders: there have been several notes in the local papers about UNC's back-up quarterback, should TJ Yates fall down so often I end up killing him with my own bare hands. The two options most debated are Cameron Sexton, junior from North Carolina, and our not-so-secret favourite, Mike Paulus. Yes, he's the younger brother of Greg Paulus, douchebag extraordinaire. No, I don't want to examine it too closely. Mostly, I want Mike Paulus to take some goddamn snaps already, before TJ Yates ruins my life, or get over here and rub my feet whilst I rage.

10:00, first quarter:
Rutgers kicks and completes a field goal. We get the ball back and immediately throw our third incomplete pass AND #6, Anthony Elzy, gets clipped by a Rutgers linebacker and lies crumpled on the ground for a while. See what you do to us all, TJ Yates?

6:55, first quarter:
TJ Yates throws behind #87, man-beast wide receiver Brandon Tate on the 4th down and UNC loses the ball. ESPN announcers spend an entire minute discussing how bad our QB is, I chug some more beer.

5:44, first quarter:
KENDRIC BURNEY, CORNER BACK AND FORMER TAR HEEL BASEBALL PLAYER, PUTS A SENIOR WIDE RECEIVER ON HIS ASS. Kendric Burney is like, a football playing midget. HE WILL HIT YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU WILL FEEL IT FOR AN ENTIRE QUARTER, BITCHES. If we just hurt people until the fourth quarter, I'll feel mostly okay about things. Especially if those people are not me and my liver.

1:05, first quarter:

dex.: ... you know, I don't think most fans cheer like that when their quarterback goes down.

Some guest commentary from our favourite Duke alum (and football enabler):
a.: your offense has like 8 of the pieces it needs
a.: you are missing a QB

And scene, people.

13:26, second quarter:
a.: holy crap you scored.

We have two new kickers this year: Casey Barth, younger brother of former UNC kicker (and tshirt designing bad ass new god) Connor Barth, and Jay Wooten, kicker of UNC's first field goal tonight. Sadly enough, Jay Wooten is not related to Rob Wooten, beloved of our hearts, but he's the only Wooten we have now. Ergo, all our affections, and offers of drinks when he's finally legal.

9:28, second quarter:
HOLY SHIT, TJ YATES JUST THREW A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN. Granted, it was only nine yards to Hakeem Nicks, who can catch like, all things, but it was pretty goddamn lovely. We'll squander this lead before the half, I'd bet a fiver and one of my beers.

4:54, second quarter:

1:44, second quarter:
Kendric Burney caught the ball for an interception at UNC's 1 yard line and returned the ball 35 yards back up-field. Oh, Kendric, we love you best.

UNC 17, Rutgers 6. I am stunned. Also, mostly sober!

a.: TJ Yates should get someone to blow him at halftime. it might be his only chance this season.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

12:31, third quarter:
TJ Yates runs the ball himself for the first down and the UNC line puppy-piles him "to show him love for putting himself on the line, and rallying his troops!" Oh, ESPN announcers, I love it when you make gay football jokes for me.

11:40, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, 12 yards to the endzone for a touchdown. Can--can I stop drinking now?

Man, I know some Rutgers students and alum who will be piiiiiiiissed about this game. We watched one flip off the cameras during the first half, it was solid gold good times. Never underestimate the power of TiVo, dear readers.

7:50, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, pass complete for 42 yards on the first down. I take it all back; I have to keep drinking because I refuse to accept this turn of events as reality. HE'S ONLY BEEN SACKED ONCE AND HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YET. I CANNOT EVEN.

4:52, third quarter:
Yates to Nicks, 11 yards for a touchdown.

shep.: TJ Yates has thrown over two hundred yards tonight, for three touchdowns and zero interceptions.
dex.: You're telling me lies. I'm just going to sit here and smell the rubber cement until the world starts to make sense again.

1:19, third quarter:
I wish I had words~ about the phrase 'muff punt', but they escape me entirely. Needs more beer, I think, and less browsing of political polling sites during commercials.

5:55, fourth quarter:

... oh, ESPN informs me Mike Paulus aspires to be on 'The Bachelor' one day. There's the wretchedness with which we roll.

AND THE TAR HEELS WIN. Butch Davis, I'd like you more when you and yours stop charging fifty goddamn dollars for tickets. However, you played the baby!Paulus tonight, and for that I must love you a little. Final score, 44-12 UNC.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

They do play other sports at Carolina.

I'll be back later in the week with a longer post about the Carolina baseball team, currently heading into the home stretch of ACC play before heading to Jacksonville for the ACC tournament Memorial Day weekend, but I just wanted to note that the ACC may have been "down" in basketball this year, but you can't deny that they're tearing up the nation when it comes to baseball. Baseball America's latest poll puts Miami at #1, Carolina at #2, and Florida State (previously #1, who dropped two to Miami, previously #3, over the weekend) at #3:
North Carolina is rolling again with a 34-7 record. N.C. State's rocking with 13 wins in its past 16 games. Most seasons, that's tough enough. But not this spring in the ACC, a baseball power conference led by formidable Miami (33-4) and Florida State (34-5).

In a national poll released Monday by Baseball America, Miami was ranked No. 1, North Carolina No. 2 and FSU No. 3.
(Raleigh News & Observer)
NC State, after struggling early, moves back into the top 25 at #24.

Talk about a power conference. Carolina hosts Florida State in a three game series at the USA Baseball Complex in Cary this weekend and travels to Virginia and Miami to finish the regular season the following two weekends. The series with Miami will likely decide ACC Tournament seeding.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Quentin Thomas is the winningest player in the history of Carolina basketball.

In 2000, my dear friend the Grandmaster rejoiced when Roy stayed at Kansas, while I cried because Roy wouldn't leave. In 2003, the same thing happened in reverse, only it was because Roy was coming home.

The only person for whom I would have sacrificed tonight's game was the Grandmaster, because I have known him ten years and I love him like a brother. He sent me a text after the game, a text that told me all was forgiven. And it is. It is, Grandmaster. I cried like a bitch in the first half, and then I took a deep breath and said some bad words on the phone to my father and ate dinner and remembered that it's just a game.

And the thing is, I've seen a semi-final loss to Kansas before. To Roy, even. And two years later there was a title.

Let's not wait two years. Come back next year, boys. Come back, because there's business left unfinished. The score's even. Let's start over from scratch.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

"Does this mean we could have a one guard as the leader of our people?"

After a week of pestering dex. with YouTube clips and ESPN articles and flail-y jazz hands, it's time to come clean. Friends, another gentleman in gym shorts has done the unexpected and swooped in to steal my heart from Tyler Hansbrough almost completely. No, it's not Bobby Frasor. I mean, yes, obviously, but that's actually not who I meant. (However, look to the future for a fist-shaking post about Bobby's glass joints and my plans to swathe him in bubble-wrap.)

Dear readers, let me introduce you to Joe Alexander, starting forward for the West Virginia Mountaineers:

I had an entire list of reasons why Joe Alexander and I are secretly meant for each other -- he's tall with slightly goofy ears; I canonically love tall goofy dudes! He was born in Taiwan and spent most of his formulative years in China; Chinese is one of my favourite cuisines! He isn't afraid to voice strong opinions about the ACC; dex. and I created a blog so we could be loud and opinionated about basketball (although I keep my ACC bashing to the house, or restaurants in Durham, or the backseat of A.'s car)! He respects Huggy Bear and chills to give adorable post-dunk post-game to a wasted Jay Bilas; I would give up a kidney and perhaps some unfertilized eggs to chill with a wasted Bilas and Huggy Bear -- but more than anything, I want him to guest-post here at WWTHD? Joe Alexander, it's totally a pants-optional gig! I'll be calling your people.

I feel it's only fair to note we're watching the Washington State/UNC game (because it's on the TV and we're too wasted to bother with March Madness On Demand) and even dex. is trusting Roy to coach our team without us, so we can devote all our energy to hollering at the West Virginia/Xavier score in the corner. Well. I'm hollering. Someone send dex. a valium, okay?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

the sort of post I'd never admit to making.

Nomar Garciaparra has a broken bone in his right hand, and the Los Angeles Dodgers' third baseman might not be ready for Opening Day.

Really, we don't need to talk about my not-so-secret crush on Thanks, Beautiful, harbored for years whilst he played in Boston and I pined from afar in New York? I mean, it's marginally embarrassing, especially when you think of his propensity for injuring himself. There's only so many jokes a girl can make about pulling one's groin, okay? But he's playing for my coach now -- Joe Torre and Thanks, Beautiful! together again, together for the very first time! -- so I can come out with my love, and make all the references to bringing him water I've ever wanted to make. I am on board with the 2008 Dodgers! I am ready, rested and prepared to do this shit!


Sunday, March 16, 2008

That's an awful lot of blue in the stands.

The first two Clemson games damn near killed me. If this goes to triple overtime, y'all will be on your own, because I will be in bed with the covers over my head.

All that said: I hope Clemson's rockin' the purple uniforms again today. I find them inexplicably awesome.

20:00, first half: Honestly, I swear that we have not taken a single tip this year. We have not had the first possession of the game in any game that I can remember, and that includes such memorable opponents as UC-Santa Barbara and the Kent State Golden Flashes.

18:58, first half: Terrible turnover by Deon, missing a pass from Wayne, but he got back faster than he has all year and got a block.

18:49, first half: The press trips Wayne up -- he's not a ball handler, which is why Marcus was the backup point guard to QT when Ty was out -- and then Tyler is called for a blocking foul and Rivers drops a free throw. For once. I have a bad, bad feeling about this game. I have a good, good feeling about the way Clemson's playing.

18:40, first half: Breaking the press by tossing it over the top to Marcus for a dunk. Good eyes on Ty's part.

17:43, first half: Quick steal by Tyler, doesn't dribble off his feet, tiny finger roll. Beautiful. UNC 6, Clemson 2.

17:07, first half: Fast break points off the press are going to be important here. That means quick looks ahead, over the defensive players for Clemson, to catch an open Heel under or near the basket.

16:31, first half: Is that two quick fouls on Mays? Or did I hallucinate the first one?

First TV timeout: Good Lord, I cannot live blog this fast. UNC 10, Clemson 8.

14:35, first half: Quentin Thomas, if you foul a dude and have to ask "What'd I do?", stop doing whatever it was.

12:59, first half: Ways in which this Clemson game is already superior to the last two Clemson games: we've led in regulation already in this game! That didn't happen in the last two! And we've made three pointers! That's some magic we don't always get.

Second TV timeout: UNC 18, Clemson 16. Two fouls on Oglesby, which is a tentatively good sign for us.

11:17, first half: Stupid, stupid ticky foul by Ty Lawson on a shot we were going to clear out, and then the press forces us to turn the ball over and give up a three. With two dumb plays and a block, we go from being up 5 to down 1 with another dumb foul on Alex Stepheson breaking up a fast break. Apparently during the TV timeout we put our stupid hats on again, instead of the good defense good press breaking hats we were wearing before it. Clemson 25, UNC 21.

Third TV timeout: My assessment, being neither a baller nor a coach myself, is that this game feels far less desperate than either of our first two Clemson match-ups. We're down two -- 27-25 -- but we're forcing as many mistakes as we're making, give a one or two swing either team's way, Wayne's stepped up big, and Tyler's going to come alive eventually. I hope. I feel better now than I did earlier in the game.

7:22, first half: Whenever QT drops a basket, my heart swells. I am so proud of what that kid has done this year. He stepped up big-time. Huge.

4:36, first half: Tyler attempts to save a ball out of bounds and nearly maims half the coaching staff. Roy got out of the way this time, though!

3:58, first half: Oh, holy crap, Danny Green goes 1-on-3, misses the layup, catches his own miss, and puts it in. Mays responds on the other end. UNC 32, Clemson 31.

3:04, first half: Danny Green picks off a telegraphed pass to James Mays, chucks it down-court over Wayne Ellington's shoulder, and Wayne drops a layup.

2:35, first half: Too many turnovers -- losing it on the press right there was our ninth in the half. And then we go down to the other end and Danny Green chucks the ball not to Wayne but to Clemson. Clemson returns the favor for a three. Clemson 36, UNC 34.

10.0 sec, first half: Tyler goes to help trap, falls down, and still manages to accidentally somewhere else on the floor cause a turnover. We'll get the last shot of the half, hopefully.

Halftime: Dude, this could have been way uglier than it was. Clemson 39, UNC 38. We could have been down ten. That is really, really possible, the way we played. We should be grateful we're not.

18:51, second half: Wayne Ellington has such a beautiful little shot, tying the game at 40. Mays picks up a second foul. Clemson apparently bought all the hairs that Deron Washington cut off. Marcus drops a finger-roll runner. UNC 42, Clemson 40.

18:00, second half: Tyler loses a contact. ("He leads the league in lost contacts.") Ty drives and puts us up four. UNC 44, Clemson 40.

16:26, second half: Tyler gets fouled going up, no call, gets his own rebound, scores, draws the foul, makes the free throw. UNC 47, Clemson 44.

15:35, second half: God, why can we not stop their three pointers? They're killing us on those. Wayne gets a quick bucket and a foul. UNC 50, Clemson 49.

15:16, second half: Wayne misses both free throws but pulls down the rebound on the other end off Rivers' missed three. Tyler powers inside on the other end. UNC 52, Clemson 49. Tyler picks up his second foul at the other end.

12:18, second half: We go up eight on a Danny Green drive and the announcers start talking about how Clemson is "in trouble". Then Cliff Hammonds strips Danny Green for a basket.

11:47, second half: Beautiful over the top pass from Tyler at the baseline to Wayne, for a lob up to Marcus for the dunk. Cliff Hammonds matches, but we out-run them again for a Marcus lay-up miss and a Wayne put-back. Purnell calls time-out in an attempt to change the momentum of the game.

8:19, second half: Ty drives and drops a lay-up for a ten point lead; Marcus draws an offensive foul on Cliff Hammonds; Wayne stands on the sideline and looks like he's not quite sure what's going on right now.

7:46, second half: Danny Green drains a three and puts the Heels up 13. Picks up his fourth foul on the other end, which isn't good, but isn't fatal, either. Carolina 72, Clemson 59.

6:50, second half: Miss a dunk, give up a three pointer to Clemson. Force a turnover, turn it back over, another three pointer. Offensive foul on QT. God DAMN it. UNC 72, Clemson 67.

5:54, second half: Danny Green fouls out. The ACC officiating -- both for and against us, for and against everyone -- has been appalling bad this year. Terrible. Cheap calls or no calls, nothing in between, and in the off-season, A. and I are buying all the officials rule books. There'll be a quiz in November next year.

25.2, second half: Sorry, I had to go stand on the porch for a while so I wouldn't yell at the TV. UNC 83, Clemson 77, Ty Lawson with one free throw remaining. Makes the second. UNC 84, Clemson 77.

19.0, second half: Clemson drops a lay-up and Ty Lawson commits a stupid, stupid fucking foul. STUPID FOUL.

16.8, second half: Dumbass foul on Tyler. Worst called game I've seen in ages. FUCK.

2.2 second half: For the love of all that is good and holy, QT, do not foul the three point shooter.

And scene: UNC 86, Clemson 81. 17th ACC tournament title for the Heels, 2nd for Roy. Bring on the East Region. Go Heels.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

"Work on your shot by shooting less."

Digger & Bobby are delightful together, but Bobby with the full Game Day crew is seriously the best thing that's happened to me in forever. Rece is loling! Digger is wearing an ugly tie! Hubert is terrified of Coach Knight! Jay is losing his hair! Bobby is stumping for Georgetown! AMAZING.

Tie Watch #33: Inoffensive. Also, the entire outfit matches today, shep. notes, which it did not yesterday.

I'd have liveblogged Clemson/BC last night, except it sucked. But we're back for Carolina/Va Tech, and we'll be here all day.

19:50, first half: Aaaand we start the game with an offensive foul on Tyler. AWESOME!

19:08, first half: If Marcus is going to take it hard to AD Vassallo, that's a good sign -- dropped a short jumper over Vassallo.

18:11, first half: Great screening for a three pointer from the corner for Wayne.

17:56, first half: Tyler has his eyes up and his hands out today; he's stolen the ball twice already. But of course then Ty chucks the ball across the court for a turnover before we can take advantage of the Tyler steal. The key to this game is more steals than dumb turnovers.

14:01, first half: When Tyler takes his first free throws early, I feel better about things.

13:37, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that wasn't a charge, that was a tackle.

13:08, first half: The only good part of Wayne Ellington possibly being hurt is that the Duke has his leg in Surry Wood's lap. LOL.

11:44, first half: Danny Green drives, drops a bucket, and gets fouled. This game is going to be decided at the free throw line.

9:56, first half: This decision that the Heels seem to have made to play no defense and foul a lot when we get out-rebounded, it is not an awesome decision. Thank God for missed free throws.

9:44, first half: I dislike this court-level camera angle. It makes me queasy.

9:20, first half: With 5 on the shot clock, Ty Lawson drains a three-pointer, backpedals, and pulls down his shorts. PULL UP YOUR SHORTS, L'IL BRUDDER, THEY WILL FALL DOWN.

8:07, first half: I know we are capable of playing defense. So how come we're not playing defense today?

7:26, first half: Deron Washington buries a three and puts Carolina down 8. VT 29, UNC 21.

6:20, first half: Danny Green makes the three-point magic happen. VT 29, UNC 24.

5:44, first half: Mike Copeland makes some 2 point magic happen, and then fouls a dude. Plus-minus stands at zero, score stands at VT 29, UNC 26.

5:27, first half: Tyler Hansbrough always makes magic happen, but then he doesn't block out. VT 32, UNC 28.

3:11, first half: Tyler drops two free throws to tie the game for the first time in a million years. Then somebody for Virginia Tech chucks in a basket without looking. Then Wayne makes a layup. I can't keep up with this crap. VT 36, UNC 36.

1:30, first half: AD Vassallo is killing us. I don't understand why Marcus isn't guarding him.

Halftime: VT 38, UNC 38. It could be a hell of a lot worse than it is. New game in the second half. I have faith (and, thanks to shep., still most of my hair).

18:48, second half: Second and third chance shots don't help us when we don't make them.

12:56, second half: Put it in Tyler's hands, and we can win this game. Keep playing like flailing morons, and we will go home.

5:18, second half: "For the Tar Heels cannot live with prosperity." DAMN RIGHT, ANNOUNCERS. We force a turnover, we turn it over before we score. Jesus.

But as I just noted to shep.: we lost in the ACC semis in '05. We dropped the championship game in '93. I am remaining calm. Calm, and drunk.

3:11, second half: Dear Wayne: that three pointer was lovely. Thank you. I shall consider it my birthday present. Love and kisses, dex.

2:45, second half: Dear Wayne: I take that nice letter back. What the hell kind of motherfucking bullshit is mouthing off to Deron in front of a referee? You, sir, are fired. No love, dex.

2:38, second half: Beautiful put-back by Tyler on Wayne's missed free-throw. And Wayne matches a three. And I go put more amaretto in my drink.

Final: UNC 68, VT 66. HOLY CRAP WE DID NOT DESERVE THAT. Also: that's what you expect from a Player of the Year. Hell, yes. That shot, and the stupidest running motion in the world.