"man-on-man coverage!" "what, what?!"

It's college football day, here in the home of WWTHD?, and man, can the Tar Heels not play football or what? Seriously, guys. Seriously. It's 1230pm, I've busted out the Jack Daniels, and all that's left for me is a live-blog account of TJ Yates getting sacked. I can't help it, dear readers; I love him, and he's not a bad quarterback but I laugh every time: he is six feet, three inches of wretched human being. Maybe if we're lucky -- and by lucky, I mean phenomenally unlucky, because I don't understand why someone would want such a thing -- Butch Davis will put the baby!Paulus in today. Gosh, watching the baby!Paulus playing football is like being drunk without the work.

Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.


1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.

1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)

2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.

3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.

3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!

3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.

3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.

3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.

4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.

4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.

For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.

4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.

4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!


Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.