"apparently the dallas defense is sub-par. maybe the sex cannon will just fall down by himself a lot tonight."

True fact: when I lived in Chicago, I really tried to put my back into being a Bears fan, because it meant I got to hang out with my friend Mikey every Sunday. Also true fact: I spent more time sleeping on Mikey's couch while the Bears sucked it up and Mikey played video games during commercials than I actually did watching the Bears.

But then I moved to North Carolina and the Bears made the Sex Cannon their QB, and putting my back into making fun of the Sex Cannon is more enjoyable than being a Ravens fan, and so we here at WWTHD? bring you our newest feature: the Sex Cannon Sacks Live Blog, every week we're in the NC and in front of a TV and the Chicago game is on national broadcast.

Which, today it is and we are and etc.

SO.

Come join us in mocking the Sex Cannon as he falls down, gets knocked down, and tries to act like he actually knows how to play football. Fun for the whole family! (Keith Olbermann: "There has always been a Rex Grossman, he has always underperformed." Oh, Sex Cannon.)

1st Quarter, 13:01: Steven Bowen knocks Rex Grossman down. "Does that count as a sack?" shep. said. "Well, Rex fell down," I said, and she just shrugged. Incomplete pass on the third down. Rex Grossman continues to suck. Details at the next Bears possession.

1st Quarter, 12:49: ... Mark Anderson sacks Tony Romo.

dex.: "Do I have to blog Tony Romo getting sacked?"
shep.: "I think you might have to."

1st Quarter, 1:30:

a.: Rex Grossman & Tony Romo probably go out for beers to trade war stories about being mocked by their fans.
shep.: MAN DATE
shep.: they hold hands under the tables

Tony Romo just tossed an interception to Adam Archuleta. Perhaps the Sex Cannon Sacks Blog is the wrong blog of suckage tonight.

End 1st: REX GROSSMAN HAS NOT BEEN SACKED YET. He has only fallen down once! I would tell Lovie to look for the pod in the locker room but frankly I sort of enjoy the Sex Cannon as Pod Person. So perhaps we shall let the Alien Sex Cannon be for the moment.

2nd Quarter, 14:49: Dude, I take it back! The Sex Cannon just threw an interception to Anthony Henry. Welcome back, Rex! We were worried that you hadn't fallen down enough yet.

2nd Quarter, 7:34: DeMarcus Ware sacks the Sex Cannon! Congratulations, Mr. DeWare, you have the first Sex Cannon sack of the night. Two thumbs up, it was a very nice sack.

2nd Quarter, 6:22: Tony Romo goes down in a hail of Bears jerseys. I think Brian Urlacher actually made the hit. Now we're cooking! Sack! Sack! Sack!

2nd Quarter, 1:20: DeMarcus Ware, I appoint you the official position of "knocking the Sex Cannon over for maximum hilarity". Congratulations!

2nd Quarter, 0:02: The Sex Cannon trips over a defender and falls down to end the half. He wasn't sacked! He just fell down! Sex Cannon, you are kind of the most amazing. I'm just saying.

3rd Quarter, 8:45: The Sex Cannon runs for a first down and I nearly give myself a concussion cracking my head against our end table. Awesome.

3rd Quarter, 6:36:

dex.: [The Sex Cannon]'s hat is all shiny.
shep.: He's such a retard, I can't even.

4th Quarter, 13:15: Brian Urlacher sacks Tony Romo again. Earlier Tony sort of bad-touched Brian, and apparently Brian doesn't appreciate that sort of lovin' from Tony.

4th Quarter, 11:55: Aaaaaaaand the Sex Cannon throws another interception to Anthony Henry, who expresses his thanks by returning it for a touchdown. The Chicago crowd is chanting for Brian Griese. Rex Grossman officially sucks balls.

4th Quarter, 9:13: John Madden starts a sentence, "I don't mean to be mean to Grossman, but ..." and the Sex Cannon goes down in a sack to Anthony Spencer. Sex Cannon, seriously, just go home now. I promise your mom won't be mean to you. Much.

4th Quarter, 3:09: "The booing would be even louder, but half the crowd's in the parking lot already." Look, I can't lie, John Madden talking about the Sex Cannon throwing interceptions that are caught by Roy Williams pleases me immensely. Roy Williams! Shouldn't you be out recruiting point guards or getting ready for the pre-season, hmmmmm?

We're bad luck for pro football teams, I think. The Chargers got bent over by Brett Faverererer today and now the Sex Cannon has sucked like a Hoover. Hard for everyone involved, most especially the Sex Cannon!

I'd feel bad but I just can't care that much. I'm a bad person, it's true.