"the thought of your sister on a date with the paulus is amazingly funny."

This is the greatest physical embodiment of what shep. and I call THE FACE. "Quick, come back, Roy's making THE FACE again!" Yes, I took a picture of our TV. It was necessary. THE FACE. I make it all the time, especially when Danny Green is turning the ball over.


Speaking of, I saw both Danny Green and Second Greatest Enemy Of Our Apartment TJ Yates (the first is The Paulus, Being The Duke Paulus Who Flops, aka That Boy) on Franklin Street today. Danny Green was tall, and hot, and six inches from me. TJ was eating a hamburger at Sutton's and I didn't punch him. When shep. finally sucker punches TJ, I want it to be a surprise!

"It's national TV, you shouldn't have worn that shirt."

OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP, STEVE LAVIN.


I have bedhead and I haven't taken a shower, but I also have beer and cheese. So it's a mixed bag. Coming up, Tie Watch #19, live blog, and the over/under on Gary Williams sweating through his suit coat!

Tie Watch #19: THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. I REPEAT, THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. SHIELD ALL EYES AND HIDE SMALL CHILDREN.

20:00, first half: What the hell was that violation? I blinked, and the Twerps had the ball.

The color on this broadcast is all weird. Everyone looks fuzzy.

19:29, first half: If Tyler bleeds, I'mma eat a bitch. I'm just saying.

17:28, first half: I can't lie: I love Boom Osby's hair more than just about anything else in the ACC.

I do not love that dunk he just made.

14:25, first half: I know we know how to play defense. I know we can. WHY AREN'T WE? WHERE IS THE RAGE BLACKOUT, ROY?

12:47, first half: TERRIBLE DEFENSE. I might be bald by halftime from ripping my own hair out.

11:29, first half: I seriously worry that Ty Lawson's pants are going to fall right off in a fast break one of these days.

Crowd sounds like they're back in it, which is good for us. I know people think that the Dean Dome is a whine-and-cheese crowd, but when the place gets going -- and it can -- it's not as tough as Cameron, but it's tough.

11:08, first half: Beautiful little steal from Alex on the inbounds. Defense is really it this year, we have the offense -- defend.

9:31, first half: How do you get home-jobbed at home, Christ.

8:46, first half: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US THIS WEEK.

6:46, first half: I have tried long and hard not to complain about ACC officiating, because it is a really hard job; I say that in all honesty. It is a sucky, awful job, with Coach K in one ear and Roy in your other, but for fuck's sake, we are getting screwed with our goddamned pants on today, and I do not understand why.

6:04, first half: Tyler makes his first field goal. Holy fuck.

4:07, first half: So you can call ticky-tacky touch fouls on us all day, and when Wayne gets smacked in the face, it's all-ball? AWESOME, OFFICIATING CREW, AWESOME.

3:05, first half: We cannot hold on to the damn ball today. It's liked somebody oiled our HANDS.

2:27, first half: FINALLY a goddamned offensive foul. CHRIST.

Halftime: My only comment on our performance thus far was a very loud burp. There's really nothing fucking else to say.

I've pretty much just thrown up my hands; I don't know who this team is, I don't know what they think they're doing out there. We've survived this earlier this year, we have, but -- god damn if I don't think we need a loss. I hate losing, it makes me crazy, but that damned 0 is sitting there and laughing at us, and this team -- this team playing right now, right this minute -- needs to get blown the hell out. They don't deserve a number one ranking. They don't deserve a ranking at all.

It was never an if we lost; it was a when. We should be 1-3 in the ACC right now. We're 3-1. I call that goddamned lucky.

"The game is over, and there was way too much extracurricular activity."

No serious live-blog tonight; we're bad bloggers, I know, but we're both getting sick and I need to mostly just lie on the floor drinking tea spiked with Jack Daniels and declaring my love for Jay Bilas.


I can't lie, I very much enjoyed all aspects of the Duke/FSU game tonight, but I especially loved Greg Paulus punching a dude in a face mask in the, well, face mask. Shades of Greg Oden! Only, as shep. said, about twenty inches shorter.

"I think we've sunk to a new low."

So yesterday, while attempting to climb over a table, The Roy got tangled in a cord for some piece of electronic equipment and fell down and smashed his head open; he later blamed it on all the "dadgum memorabilia" in his "too small" office. There are so many jokes here, you guys, I don't even know where to start.

Today we face The Amazing Red Blazer of Blindingness at home; I am going to attempt to live blog sans booze, so I hope it's not as close as Clemson. As our dear friend J. said to her husband this week, "I don't think shep. will forgive you if dex. dies of alcohol poisoning." Plus I forgot to buy beer.

So here we are, then. 16-0, facing down 15 straight ACC games. If there was ever a time to cultivate my zen, it's now.

Official Tie Watch #17: Inoffensive. We haven't seen the rainbow tie in a while! I wonder if Wanda burned it, finally.

19:40, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that was not awesome.

19:12, first half: Wayne Ellington, that was awesome.

18:32, first half: Tyler missing free throws always weirds me out.

Also, the Roy showing off his stitches on national TV makes us laugh and laugh. He's like a little kid with battle scars. Or maybe Tyler accidentally tried to eat Roy's brains!

17:47, first half: Dear Len and Mike: Alex Stepheson had a family emergency; Deon has been here the whole time. P.S. Thank you for the apology.

17:08, first half: Well, the news that writhing around on the floor is no longer a travel is good news for Tyler. And Ty. And pretty much everybody on this team. They writhe a lot.

15:06, first half: That pass. I just had a genuine moment where I wanted to do QT. Those are few and far between!

13:37, first half:

dex.: That's not the shirt you hate.
shep.: It's one of them.

13:28, first half: There's pretty much nothing in the world that makes me happier than forcing a shot clock violation. Unless it involves naked dudes in my bed, really.

12:30, first half:

shep.: "Coach! Coach! We tried real hard, we all helped! Did you see, coach? Did you see?"

AND YET: TIP DRILL, NO BASKET. (But Danny does get free throws, the first of which he PROMPTLY MISSES.)

10:30, first half: Beautiful defense, forcing a turnover, plus a fast-break basket and a free throw. Good boys.

9:52, first half: Sidney, you're not supposed to say that on TV.

In a discussion of how Bobby Frasor is going to be a good coach, given his fondness for sitting next to Roy during games:
dex.: [Bobby]'s not allowed to sit next to Roy anymore, though. He's got to sit at the end of the bench. I hope he's making friends with Patrick Moody.
shep.: I've resigned myself to the fact that my wedding is going to be full of wretches.

shep.: I love Roy's interpretive dance.

7:05, first half:

Len Elmore: If it weren't for bad luck, State would have no luck.

LEN. THAT ISN'T VERY NICE.

6:58, first half: I think Sidney's about to stroke out. Poor Sidney.

6:39, first half: Tyler Hansbrough just had an assist. :D :D :D


HE HAS EIGHT REBOUNDS, JESUS.

2:48, first half:

Mike Patrick: If Thomas is scoring, then it's over, isn't it?

OH, SNAP, MIKE PATRICK.

2:13, first half: SHARKS THAT SMELL BLOOD.

shep.: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
dex.: NOM NOM NOM WOLFPACK.

Halftime:

shep.: You feel comfortable with a 30 point lead?
dex.: Yes. Mostly.

I am hurting for State right now; I mean, we have played exquisite defense, best all year, and it's been unbelievably fun to watch, but oh, State. I wanted to win, but I wanted a good game.

10:00, second half: What can you really say about a second half that followed that kind of first half? Not much. We're playing good defense, though not as good as the first half; we're shooting well, though not as well as the first half. It's just ... you know. What is there to say?

"do you know what the paulus is majoring in? your paulus, i mean."

If it isn't already clear, shep. is the calm, placid watcher in this house, and I am the neurotic, flailing mess. I come by this honestly, though: my mother is also a neurotic, flailing mess, and I learned how to watch Carolina basketball from her. I'm a doomsayer, a worst-case-scenario maven, the one in the room who thinks that we're about to go 0-17 in the ACC, despite the fact that we only have 16 games scheduled this year. I can't help it. Something could always go wrong! Seasons rarely end as happily as I want them to! THERE ARE A LOT OF WHAT IFS, HERE.

I keep trying to drink enough to make me zen, except then I end up posting live blogs exhorting Mormons to "stop doing things!!!!!", which isn't the best blogging material in the world.

Nevertheless: I am reasonably well-lubricated with white wine, and I have shouted out some anxieties at Greg Paulus, and we are ready to watch Carolina, sans Bobby Frasor and Alex Stepheson, go to Death Valley to face a very, very good Clemson team. Should the live blog cease midway through the first half, please assume that I have fallen over dead, and send condolences to shep. as appropriate.

Tie Watch #15: I think it's one of the paisley ones. As long as it's not the rainbow one, Jesus. (It should also be noted that this morning, on Inside Carolina Basketball With Roy Williams, The Roy was wearing the ugliest sweater in the history of the universe. This sweater would have given epileptics seizures. Wanda, how could you let him out like that?)

19:30, first half: Dude, I think that Clemson dude traveled. AWESOME.

18:35, first half: Wayne Ellington, thank you for being awesome.

17:22, first half: "He's always strong." YES, THANK YOU, TYLER HANSBROUGH IS VERY STRONG.

17:12, first half:

dex.: ACK. ACK. SHEP. *points at Oliver Purnell*
shep.: That is a ... very orange coat. I still think the Roy needs a Carolina blue coat. It would be ugly, but it would be awesome.

I think this is going to be a brutal game. Lots of fouls.

16:15, first half: Whoever's posting up against Tyler -- Booker? -- is dropping his goddamned shoulder and shuffling through the frigging paint every time he touches the ball. And it's too early for me to have a rage blackout.

(I swear I am not one of those fans who thinks her team is constantly getting home-jobbed, I really am not. I just think we're constantly getting home-jobbed in Clemson, every damn year. I still blame Rick Barnes for this, too, in case you were interested.)

14:49, first half: Shot clock violation. That's a good sign for our defense.

Roy, that tie isn't in and of itself offensive -- but with that shirt, uh, no.

14:11, first half: Booker is pushing the paint around, god damn it.

11:55, first half:

a.: at Clemson, everyone gets home-jobbed
dex.: my eyes are getting home-jobbed by oliver purnell's COAT

11:12, first half: BOOKER JUST RAN OVER DANNY GREEN, AND I AM ABOUT TO START DRINKING WINE FROM THE BOTTLE.

10:05, first half: I totally just broke our corkscrew off in a new bottle of wine. shep.: "Perhaps that is for the best for you right now." a.: "if this game keeps up you are going to need more something."

dex.: "I HAVE BEER."

8:35, first half: Great tap-out by Tyler to Ty. Good boys. I like that motion, that speed. Our defense hasn't been bad this game, but we need to stop fouling. The bench isn't deep enough.

8:06, first half: Random Announcer, "I'm winded calling this game!"

6:00, first half:

dex.: You just missed the best news about Bobby Frasor.
shep.: Did he announce our engagement on national TV?

5:00, first half: THAT WAS NOT OKAY, QUENTIN THOMAS. NOT OKAY AT ALL.

3:37, first half: MIKE COPELAND. AWESOME.

3:02, first half: I never thought I'd saw this ... but these announcers make me miss Dick Vitale.

2:22, first half: Danny Green is a bad ass new god.

0:41.8, first half: GODDAMN IT, DEON.

Halftime: I'm a little more zen than I thought I'd be, but still not enough. Every time we start to pull away, someone (QUENTIN THOMAS) does something stupid. Over/under on Roy's rage blackout at halftime?

16:27, second half: I AM ZEN -- THANK YOU, WANYE -- LIKE AN OCEAN.

14:00, second half: Wayne Ellington is the only reason I haven't drowned myself in the washing machine.

13:38, second half: Seriously, Clemson, don't put your junk on Tyler Hansbrough. It might not be there when you get back up.

The Roy is making a face, Jesus.

5:34, second half: Okay, I can't even.

We're getting so frigging home-jobbed. Up yours, Clemson, you dumb jerks.

1:50, second half:

shep.: I'm glad to see him washing it off, he usually just sticks it back in there!

0:24.1, second half: If we go to overtime, I'm out of beer.

0.00.4, overtime:

dex.: i am breathing deep
dex.: i am zen
a.: told you
dex.: I AM ZEN
dex.: THE DUKE IS ZEN
dex.: EVERYONE IS ZEN
dex.: I AM THE ONLY DRUNK ONE, THOUGH

OH JESUS HOLY CRAP THANK GOD.

"It's just that I expect to win."

(Lyrics available here.)

Ryan Parker, in addition to being a genius, is also a Kentucky fan, so before I am dogpiled by UK fans for having the nerve to keep picking on the Wildcats, in my defense, your own fans are starting to turn on Gillispie. I'm just sayin', is all.

(Happy New Year to all eight of our beloved readers. Now that shep. and I have recovered from two straight weeks of drinking, we'll be back to tip off the ACC season with a depleted Carolina team heading down to Death Valley to face Clemson tomorrow night. I'll have booze, shep. will have cutting wit, and we'll both have a live blog, tipping off at 7:30.)