What Would Tyler Hansbrough Do?

sometimes i have more opinions than i know what to do with

2010-04-10T09:01:00.006-04:00

I am reviving this space for a post of sports-related odds and ends I wanted to talk about and didn't have the venue for elsewhere. Perhaps I shall return permanently and write long odes to Jacob Stallings' emergence as not just a great pitcher's catcher but also a contributing member of the UNC baseball team's offense! Last night he walked four times!

This week I wrote and discarded a very defensive post about the baseball team and their season, complete with statistics to back up the fact that we should have a better record than we do, because I decided that a) no one but shep. cared and I already spent last Sunday night figuring updated ERAs and BB/9 rates for all our pitchers and reading them to her in the living room in front of the ESPN Sunday Night MLB game and b) it was probably politically incorrect to refer to any of our outfielders as midgets even if two of them are in fact under 5'7".
The Future of Quarterbacking at Carolina is also doing time this spring at DH and 1B for the baseball team, and John Shoop, Butch's O-Coordinator, is being very passive-aggressively bitchy about having to share Bryn Renner with Mike Fox. We, for two, are pro Bryn Renner playing baseball simply because he loves it that much, and as I said on Twitter a while back, in response to a discussion at the ballpark of how QB time would be split between TJ Yates and Renner this fall, if I run TJ Yates over with my car Bryn Renner will start all the time. Also, whenever I think about John Shoop, a coach on a team that's been far less successful than the baseball team historically, being passive-aggressive at Mike Fox's program, my head starts to hurt.
Last night shep. and I both were pleased that Matt Harvey got the win against State, because he deserved it, and today we're going to the spring football game of our own free will, and I feel a little like I've been Stockholmed without realizing it.
Mike Leake comes out of spring training to win the job as the Reds' fifth starter, making his MLB debut tomorrow against the Cubs, and while a lot of people seem to be scratching their heads over the naming of a 22 year old rookie an MLB starter, let me just say: y'all, we watched Mike Leake take Carolina's lineup apart not once but twice in the College World Series last year. The lineup that included #2 draft pick Dustin Ackley, who could seriously swing a toothpick at a change-up in the dirt and connect for a base hit. Leake was a scarily polished pitcher even last year, and Pat Casey has (well, had, I suppose, since he's now out at Arizona State) a reputation for grooming mature and well-seasoned players, so I'm not surprised that the Reds, who've struggled for the past, well, quite a while, are staking as much as they are on Leake -- a pitcher like this kid could be a franchise-changer, if only through the optimism his success would bring. Do I like the idea of that poor baby in Dusty Baker's hands? Not really. Does the idea of Mike Leake skipping the minors entirely surprise me? Not really.
Newsflash: the Orioles are still trying to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I'm mailing Mike Gonzalez back to Atlanta. Miguel Tejada is being useless in the 4 spot. No one is surprised by any of this. The Wiets was hitting .500 through the first three games, though!

dean smith: still the king.

2009-09-06T09:33:00.006-04:00

Carolina, behind the stellar running game of Shaun Draughn, dropped the Citadel 40-6 last night in the home opener. TJ Yates threw more touchdowns (2) than interceptions (1) and, I believe, was only sacked once. Citadel hung both their field goals on Carolina's second-string defense late in the fourth quarter, breaking up the shut-out, but aside from the rusty, no-score first quarter, I'd say that's something to be optimistic about. Except for TJ Yates. We're never optimistic about Mr. Yates over here. (And hey: at least we weren't as bad as most of the rest of the ACC! Those numbers are just sad.)

Never mind that I spent two hours sitting in traffic on the way home from work on Friday afternoon cursing the Carolina athletic department's clever scheduling, Roy Williams, Butch Davis, TJ Yates, everyone who had come in from out of town for the alumni basketball game, and Greg Paulus while fighting back into Chapel Hill against pre-game traffic, I had a fantastically good time reading about it yesterday morning and I wish we'd gone. Some reading highlights for y'all:

News & Observer: For UNC basketball, a 'family' reunion: For a moment on Friday night, the Four Corners offense returned to North Carolina.

The fact that it was being run by 2009 Naismith Award winner Ty Lawson -- and against 1978 National Player of the Year Phil Ford, who was coaching the opposite team -- was just another memory to add to 100 years worth in Tar Heel blue.

Carolina Blue: UNC assembles collection of stars: It looked like an NBA all-star game.

With 14:59 left in the first half, Carter got a rebound and on the break, he threw the ball off the backboard, got the ball and dunked it.

From Adam Lucas at Tar Heel Blue: On The Inside: You know the type: 18 Final Fours. Six national championships. Thirty NBA championship rings. 17 ACC tournament championships. Eleven ACC players of the year. 39 NBA first-round draft picks.

We know all these numbers because it's part of our education as a Carolina fan. But seeing them all together on one page, it's remarkable--even to those who lived it.

Buzz Peterson was about halfway down the list when he paused. "Wow," he said. "This is a pretty impressive list."

When you put all the alumni from our program together like they did on Friday night, it is without a doubt pretty damn huge. To outsiders, I suspect it may seem wankily self-congratulatory, but I'm glad the program did it, even if I wasn't there.

"can it help protect your house from greg paulus, though?" "no, only deron washington can do that."

2009-09-05T11:00:00.026-04:00

So, internets, it's been eleven months. Eleven long months, in which much alcohol was consumed and even more UNC football, basketball and baseball was watched, and celebrated, and mourned. We know you've missed us, dear readers, just as we've missed an actual reason to start drinking at 1030am. I promise we won't leave you like that again.

So, 2009, may Allah help us. TJ Yates is a junior, so unless he develops and showcases talent previously unknown to THE ENTIRETY OF THE UNIVERSE, we'll be forced to endure two more seasons of his wretch, wretch ass. If you've been here before, you know 'excited' is not really the word to describe my feelings about this. 'Resigned', maybe; 'wasted', definitely. But I'm breathing easy today because oh, UNC vs The Citadel? Is not on tv. It's not even on local Raycom tv, so, well. There's only one thing left for me to do: I'm going to live-blog Greg Paulus' college football debut as the Syracuse Orangemen host the Minnesota Golden Gophers.

NO WAIT, COME BACK.

There are several reasons for this endeavor, most of which has been forgotten in a beer-and-jack daniels-soaked haze. What you need to keep foremost in your minds is the fact that Greg Paulus, that ridiculous floor-slapping, chest-pounding manchild who was teabagged so brilliantly at Duke it's been immortalized for all to see, is going to be a starting quarterback for an entire year. A PAULUS, STARTING FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. I THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT ME, BUT THE NCAA BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN. If there's a better reason for me to drink, let me know; dex. and I need in on that action like motherfuckers.

I have a beer, I have a spiked coffee, I have some apple pie à la mode. I am ready.

14:53, first quarter:
WE HAVE MISSED OUR FIRST SNAP AND FALLEN DOWN, AND MINNESOTA RECOVERED THE BALL. OH MAN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MAN. Twelve seconds later and Minnesota has scored their first touchdown. Well done, Greg! (Can I call you Greg? It's better than the things I called you during the basketball season, trust me.) Awesome. Well done.

13:34, first quarter:
After finding no one to throw to, Greg runs the ball and does not get sacked. A Gopher threw himself at Greg and he jumped over him, and on the next play made the pitch. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

a. (beloved Duke alumni and Greg lover-hater): (this) did make me realize that paulus is the type of dude who cannot enjoy sex because he spends too much time thinking REALLY hard about his next step

Oh god, my life.

11:05, first quarter:
Greg has completed his first pass and still hasn't been sacked. Did someone change my whiskey to water?

dex.: pam ward picking on the paulus is also killing me
a.: pam is just happy there is a bigger lesbian there than her today

We have new across-the-hall neighbors, here in Chapel Hill, and we have thoroughly scared the fuck out of them. JESUS CHRIST, ESPN, STOP SHOWING HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS OF GREG, I NEED THIS LIVER TO LAST TWO MORE YEARS.

6:44, first quarter:
Whilst the referees discuss a flag thrown (Minnesota offsides), Greg slapped a ref's ass. Twice. There you are, Greg! Now you just need someone to put their balls on your face.

5:02, first quarter:
GREG PAULUS, TACKLED. Let me tell you, one guy took him out at the knees and then three more jumped on top of him. IT HAS BEGUN.

:51, first quarter:
We have our first mention of the baby Paulus, beloved of our hearts! Alas, it came with a mention of TJ Yates; the less said about that fuck right now, the better.

:32, first quarter:
Greg Paulus throws a 29-yard pass to Mike Williams for his first college touchdown. I repeat: Greg has scored his first college touchdown. However, let the record show that Williams was standing alone in his corner of the backfield, and the nearest Gopher was at least two-three yards away. If Greg had thrown to anyone else on that play, I can only hope someone on his team would grab him by the shirtfront and slap him in the face.

I will do that to Greg one day, but that's actually inappropriate for this forum.

12:25, second quarter:
GREG PAULUS, SACKED FOR THE FIRST TIME WHILST DAWDLING WITH THE BALL. Shit, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. Just scooting about, fucking about with the ball, and then squashed between two big dudes? Simoni Lawrence and Lee Campbell! Gentlemen, I would buy you drinks! But only if you were in Chapel Hill, and I didn't have to put on pants.

If ESPN loves me, they replay that sack over and over again.

1:34, second quarter:
ESPN has just referred to Greg as The General. 'GENERAL GREG PAULUS', dex. hollered from the other side of the room. Yes, in all-caps. Baby Paulus, where are you and why aren't you bringing me fresh beer?

halftime:
Minnesota 14, Syracuse 20. Duke AND Syracuse fans everywhere are stroking out, mostly because they have no idea what to do with this shit. I'd sympathize, but I'm too busy watching Greg Paulus crash Twitter.

10:48, third quarter:
Donovan McNabb is complimenting Greg on national television. I understand he should do this, as a Syracuse football alum, but good god almighty. On the other hand, Greg has been -- shocking, I know -- playing reasonably decent football.

Somewhere, the baby Paulus is drunk and proud and angry and sad. Yes, all four of those things at once. Yes, I am certain. Well, certain of at least three of those four things.

7:44, third quarter:
Greg takes a late hit after throwing to Mike Williams. Man, Garrett Brown put him on his ass. ESPN condemns such action and granted, it's not very sportsmanlike, but I do love a good tackle. Buck up, Greg, That turf has to be softer than the hardwood!

Someone, take my vodka lemonade away.

3:40, third quarter:

Greg, on Mike Krzyzewksi:

I love Coach, I have a great relationship with him. I've learned so much from him, and playing for him in the last four years. The preparation and the work ethic he has, after all the success he's had, he's the first one in there, the last one there, spending the nights there, watching film, getting us ready to go --

Make of this information what you will. If you infer from this that perhaps Greg stayed the night with Coach K., 'watching film' -- well. Well.

:17, fourth quarter:
Greg sacked by DJ Wilhite and sadly, it's a weak little sack that's basically just a clothesline to the calves that knocked Greg on his ass. AS GREG GETS TO HIS FEET, THE GAMECLOCK RUNS OUT. Jesus.

Now, despite a.'s numerous attempts to explain it to me, I do not understand college football overtime. I'm not a stupid person, but it's like my pickled brain just pfffft -- doesn't grasp what is going on. However, I do know Greg has one more attempt to do some shit, so I'm going to drink water and attempt to figure this hullabaloo out.

OT:
GREG THROWS A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE AND IT IS INTERCEPTED BY MINNESOTA, WHO WINS THE GAME WITH A 35-YARD FIELD GOAL. Oh Greg, losing a game despite his best efforts! This feeling, it is so familiar. Final score: Minnesota 23, Syracuse 20.

notre dame/unc live blog.

2008-10-11T16:55:00.002-04:00

It got to be time to just move the bottle and the shot glasses into the living room.

Barths are responsible for all nine of Carolina's points at half time. We miss his brother a lot. And shep. would like Cam Sexton to know that we never resorted to moving the bottle to the living room when TJ Yates was quarterback.

In about four minutes, we're going to be too hammered to type, so please: enjoy this game, and somebody punch Jimmy Clausen in the face at halftime.

ecu/nc state is not a rivalry, okay, espn? sheesh.

2008-09-20T15:47:00.044-04:00

The Official Accurate TJ Yates Live Sack Count Blog is on vacation with shep. in New York, but I'll try to put a few thoughts together here and there throughout the game -- if they cease abruptly, it's just because I've fallen asleep on the couch.

9:11, first quarter: The defense (and special teams) continue to impress me as Mark Paschal picks off Tyrod Taylor's fourth or fifth pass of the game for a Va Tech turnover at the Va Tech 20.

9:00, first quarter: Yates completes his first pass to a tight end in Carolina's season, and has thus far gone six minutes without falling down. Greg Little, on the other hand, seems unable to gain any ground running, so perhaps after two wasted downs we go with something else, John Schoop.

7:22, first quarter: Loose ball -- ABC announcers in replay say that TJ Yates fumbled the ball, and the way that he was hit, it wouldn't surprise me -- but it's ruled an incomplete pass on the ground. Seems to be some confusion -- sack, fumble, TJ Yates falling on his face -- and Jay Wooten's subsequent field goal does not appear to be ruled good.

I may have already drunk too much beer to analyze this game thoughtfully.

7:16, first quarter: Okay, it was ruled a fumble, recovered by Va Tech. And then Tyrod Taylor is sacked by Robert Quinn. Our defense is lookin' goooooood this year.

6:42, first quarter: Va Tech calls a time out. Isn't it a little early for time outs, Beamer?

... the Beam just called another time out, and no time ticked off the clock. I would start drinking Jack Daniels -- I bought more just for this game -- but then I discovered that we failed to buy toilet paper before shep. went on vacation, and I'm going to have to stumble to the Teeter to buy more toilet paper at half time, which means I have to be unfortunately sober at that time.

6:35, first quarter: Holding on Va Tech, 2nd & 21 on their on 8 and a half. Our defense is bad-ass.

6:08, first quarter: Mostly I just wanted to type, Va Tech on their own 3, 3rd & 26. I'm not made of stone, okay?

5:21, first quarter: Punt lands on the 42. TV shows Cam Sexton, who is truly a teeny dude compared to some of his teammates, and who if he isn't busy taking snaps (and he's not) could really come over and help me drink beer. TJ Yates throws it away, but at least he didn't get sacked.

Yet.

4:49, first quarter: TJ Yates sacked by Nekos Brown! Loss of 5 yards on 3rd and 10. What happened to last week's pod person? I don't like this TJ Yates.

1:24, first quarter: TJ Yates completes a pass on the third down for the first time this game! Caught by Hakeem Nicks, who is all things to all men, particularly when you equate "men" for "people who help TJ Yates suck less".

0:03, first quarter: Yates hands off to Brooks Foster, who tears downfield before stepping out at the 14. We'll start at the 14, first down, at the top of the second quarter.

12:58, second quarter: TJ Yates, on the 6 yard line on a 4th down, lets the play count run down and we lose five yards for delay of game. Jay Wooten comes on and actually makes a field goal, so at least we didn't walk away empty handed. I curse TJ Yates' name, pray to the Littlest Paulus, and drink more beer.

8:54, second quarter: Va Tech uses the last of their time-outs after a confusing possible fumble and recover by, in fact, Va Tech, which would give them the ball at first and goal. This game has been poorly officiated and poorly filmed; two-thirds of the most interesting plays haven't had good angles on them.

Why is our offense playing so poorly? Our defense -- Mark Paschal, whose name I hadn't ever heard before today, in particular -- has been spectacularly hard-nosed today, and TJ Yates and the offense have just wandered around with their thumbs up their asses for close to 22 minutes now.

(It was a fumble and Va Tech recovery. And a late flag after a hard hit on Va Tech's Evans, who's still on the ground -- but a Va Tech penalty, thank God.)

6:01, second quarter: The trouble with watching football alone is that I inevitably end up talking to the television, since the cats are uninterested in my opinions on TJ Yates.

4:18, second quarter: This has been a terribly penalty-ridden game; our biggest flaws haven't actually been TJ Yates', but rather penalties for things like illegal formations while punting on a 4th down, or the previous play where an offensive lineman was called for holding after TJ Yates had completed a lovely pass for a third down. It could be worse, though. It could be much worse.

3:10, second quarter: Bruce Carter almost blocks Va Tech's punt. Brandon Tate still hasn't touched the ball, on offense or on special teams, returning punts. And in 1998, Carolina football was ranked #7. I have to keep drinking, I can't deal with that kind of world-shattering. What do you mean our football team hasn't always sucked?

2:12, second quarter: Brandon Tate finally catches a 15-yarder from TJ Yates, and gains another 15 rushing.

1:02, second quarter: TJ Yates to Brandon Tate, AGAIN, 32 yards, for a TOUCHDOWN. Brandon flagged for excessive celebration -- at the 4 yard, he dove into the end zone even though it wasn't necessary. Jay Wooten makes the extra point. UNC 10, Va Tech 3.

At half-time, Yahoo! Sports reports to me that TJ Yates has been sacked twice. I apologize for missing the second sack. I probably just assumed that TJ fell over. It happens, you know. UNC has also been assessed 55 penalty yards -- some of them have been stupid, too. I hope Butch reams them out for that over the break.

13:05, third quarter: Deonte Williams picks Tyrod Taylor's pass for the second Carolina interception of the game. Dude's got some ups -- Roy, put him on the basketball team this year.

11:11, third quarter: Another UNC penalty. (I can't take any player named Macho seriously.) TJ's settled, but our O-line is flinching and getting penalties for it, which isn't good. We should be up 17-3 now, at least.

10:38, third quarter: Butch goes for it on the 4th down, elevates, and brings down the Yates pass for a first down. God DAMN, Hakeem Nicks.

9:42, third quarter: TJ Yates sacked for a 12 yard loss. Somewhere shep.'s head just started hurting and she doesn't know why.

9:09, third quarter: I manage to cause injury to TJ Yates with my brain, for which I am seriously sorry, although if it means we get a Paulus on the next series, I'll be unrepentant. Looked like either an ankle or a hamstring that took TJ down -- he's off with a serious limp. Paulus is warming up on the sidelines as Carolina punts to Va Tech.

8:50, third quarter: I'd thank God for our punters if I believed in God. We've pinned them with great field position for us all game.

6:53, third quarter: Mike Paulus's first snap of the game is handed off to Greg Little for a touchdown. My friends, my friends: I believe we have just seen the ushering in of the Mike Paulus Era at Carolina, and I could not be happier.

1:14, third quarter: 95 yards in penalties? Seriously? SERIOUSLY, BUTCH? Fucking do something about that, that's disgraceful.

... So that's what 60,000 people booing sounds like. Huh.

0:39, third quarter: Somebody for UNC fumbles, probably the Paulus, and Va Tech recovers. I make another drink.

12:56, fourth quarter: ... I love Mike Paulus, but I think -- I can't believe I'm going to type this; shep. is going to make me sleep on the porch for a month for this -- I think we need TJ. He's a doofus but he's a doofus with field experience. Hasn't thrown an interception this year, and as soon as he goes out, save Paulus's initial touchdown, we've crumbled since TJ went down.

115 yards of penalties for UNC. I'm going to blow something up.

11:20, fourth quarter: Who the eff is Mark Paschal? How come I've never heard of him before today. He just sacked Tyrod Taylor.

9:56, fourth quarter: So my Jack Daniels-altered thought is that the problem isn't TJ Yates; it's just that there's no quarterback good enough for the football team as there is a point guard for the basketball team. Mike Paulus, you are no Raymond Felton. But I'd totally take you over your brother. I might take you over Ty Lawson, I haven't decided yet.

7:24, fourth quarter: Paulus tosses an interception to Macho Harris for Va Tech. I give up and lie on the floor drinking my Jack Daniels & cream soda through a straw.

6:28, fourth quarter: Tyrod Taylor goes down in a similar ankle injury to TJ Yates. Sean Glennon comes in. I stop bothering to mix my Jack with anything.

1:21, fourth quarter: 4th and 15, Mike Paulus throws another interception. The refs look at the play to see if maybe Hakeem Nicks came up with the ball. My liver starts weeping for mercy.

I think the officials just bent us over and screwed us out of this game. God DAMN it.

FINAL: Va Tech 20, UNC 17. GIMME CAM SEXTON, BUTCH, I'M ALREADY DONE WITH THE PAULUS.

"that car is very homo--" "TJ Yates is in JERSEY, okay."

2008-09-11T19:21:00.025-04:00

Hello interwebs, hello. Blogger tells me we haven't used this space in almost five months, and if I could remember most of the spring and summer, I'd apologize; concert season and college baseball were upon us, and we were far too busy driving, drinking and weeping to actually pay attention to the internet. Key word: weeping, because man, let it never be said we don't over-invest in nineteen-year old dudes with aluminum bats. What. We may be alcoholics but we're not made of stone.

Anyway, we're back from our impromptu hiatus, with some drunken wailing if not a vengeance, because the UNC Tar Heels play their second game of the 2008 football season tonight. Against the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, on national television -- we would've been back last week, I swear, but they didn't even televise the McNeese State game in Chapel Hill. The Tar Heels haven't won a game out-of-state in six years! Because the Tar Heels are not good football players! Who knew? Apparently this is a big deal and everyone was unaware. Guys, I have to work in ten hours but right now, I have eight pumpkin beers, a National Guard sergeant singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' so sweetly, and a motherfucking sack count to liveblog. Let's do this shit.

14:48, first quarter:
We have: mentioned TJ Yates' lack of football experience (two years of high school ball!!1! TWO OH GOD), watched TJ Yates throw an incomplete pass against the hands of a Rutgers receiver. I: may not have enough beer for this game.

Some unrelated-to-gameplay notes while the Scar. Knights knock us around like high school cheerleaders: there have been several notes in the local papers about UNC's back-up quarterback, should TJ Yates fall down so often I end up killing him with my own bare hands. The two options most debated are Cameron Sexton, junior from North Carolina, and our not-so-secret favourite, Mike Paulus. Yes, he's the younger brother of Greg Paulus, douchebag extraordinaire. No, I don't want to examine it too closely. Mostly, I want Mike Paulus to take some goddamn snaps already, before TJ Yates ruins my life, or get over here and rub my feet whilst I rage.

10:00, first quarter:
Rutgers kicks and completes a field goal. We get the ball back and immediately throw our third incomplete pass AND #6, Anthony Elzy, gets clipped by a Rutgers linebacker and lies crumpled on the ground for a while. See what you do to us all, TJ Yates?

6:55, first quarter:
TJ Yates throws behind #87, man-beast wide receiver Brandon Tate on the 4th down and UNC loses the ball. ESPN announcers spend an entire minute discussing how bad our QB is, I chug some more beer.

5:44, first quarter:
KENDRIC BURNEY, CORNER BACK AND FORMER TAR HEEL BASEBALL PLAYER, PUTS A SENIOR WIDE RECEIVER ON HIS ASS. Kendric Burney is like, a football playing midget. HE WILL HIT YOU IN THE GUT AND YOU WILL FEEL IT FOR AN ENTIRE QUARTER, BITCHES. If we just hurt people until the fourth quarter, I'll feel mostly okay about things. Especially if those people are not me and my liver.

1:05, first quarter:
FIRST SACK AGAINST TJ YATES BY JAMAAL WESTERMAN. Man, that was a whallop.

dex.: ... you know, I don't think most fans cheer like that when their quarterback goes down.

Some guest commentary from our favourite Duke alum (and football enabler):
a.: your offense has like 8 of the pieces it needs
a.: you are missing a QB

And scene, people.

13:26, second quarter:
a.: holy crap you scored.

We have two new kickers this year: Casey Barth, younger brother of former UNC kicker (and tshirt designing bad ass new god) Connor Barth, and Jay Wooten, kicker of UNC's first field goal tonight. Sadly enough, Jay Wooten is not related to Rob Wooten, beloved of our hearts, but he's the only Wooten we have now. Ergo, all our affections, and offers of drinks when he's finally legal.

9:28, second quarter:
HOLY SHIT, TJ YATES JUST THREW A PASS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN. Granted, it was only nine yards to Hakeem Nicks, who can catch like, all things, but it was pretty goddamn lovely. We'll squander this lead before the half, I'd bet a fiver and one of my beers.

4:54, second quarter:
YATES TO TATE ON THE FIRST DOWN AND TATE RUNS 69 YARDS FOR A SECOND TOUCHDOWN. WHO IS THIS POD-PERSON QUARTERBACK AND CAN WE KEEP HIM FOREVER? I promise to only punch the real TJ Yates in the nutsack.

1:44, second quarter:
Kendric Burney caught the ball for an interception at UNC's 1 yard line and returned the ball 35 yards back up-field. Oh, Kendric, we love you best.

halftime:
UNC 17, Rutgers 6. I am stunned. Also, mostly sober!

a.: TJ Yates should get someone to blow him at halftime. it might be his only chance this season.

I don't even know where I am anymore.

12:31, third quarter:
TJ Yates runs the ball himself for the first down and the UNC line puppy-piles him "to show him love for putting himself on the line, and rallying his troops!" Oh, ESPN announcers, I love it when you make gay football jokes for me.

11:40, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, 12 yards to the endzone for a touchdown. Can--can I stop drinking now?

Man, I know some Rutgers students and alum who will be piiiiiiiissed about this game. We watched one flip off the cameras during the first half, it was solid gold good times. Never underestimate the power of TiVo, dear readers.

7:50, third quarter:
Yates to Tate, pass complete for 42 yards on the first down. I take it all back; I have to keep drinking because I refuse to accept this turn of events as reality. HE'S ONLY BEEN SACKED ONCE AND HE HASN'T FALLEN DOWN YET. I CANNOT EVEN.

4:52, third quarter:
Yates to Nicks, 11 yards for a touchdown.

shep.: TJ Yates has thrown over two hundred yards tonight, for three touchdowns and zero interceptions.
dex.: You're telling me lies. I'm just going to sit here and smell the rubber cement until the world starts to make sense again.

1:19, third quarter:
I wish I had words~ about the phrase 'muff punt', but they escape me entirely. Needs more beer, I think, and less browsing of political polling sites during commercials.

5:55, fourth quarter:
WHAT, DID BUTCH ACTUALLY PUT MIKE PAULUS IN THE GAME?! OH MY GOD HE HAS ACHIEVED FIRST DOWN. THIS IS A MAD NEW WORLD.

... oh, ESPN informs me Mike Paulus aspires to be on 'The Bachelor' one day. There's the wretchedness with which we roll.

AND THE TAR HEELS WIN. Butch Davis, I'd like you more when you and yours stop charging fifty goddamn dollars for tickets. However, you played the baby!Paulus tonight, and for that I must love you a little. Final score, 44-12 UNC.

They do play other sports at Carolina.

2008-04-22T08:53:00.000-04:00

I'll be back later in the week with a longer post about the Carolina baseball team, currently heading into the home stretch of ACC play before heading to Jacksonville for the ACC tournament Memorial Day weekend, but I just wanted to note that the ACC may have been "down" in basketball this year, but you can't deny that they're tearing up the nation when it comes to baseball. Baseball America's latest poll puts Miami at #1, Carolina at #2, and Florida State (previously #1, who dropped two to Miami, previously #3, over the weekend) at #3:

North Carolina is rolling again with a 34-7 record. N.C. State's rocking with 13 wins in its past 16 games. Most seasons, that's tough enough. But not this spring in the ACC, a baseball power conference led by formidable Miami (33-4) and Florida State (34-5).

In a national poll released Monday by Baseball America, Miami was ranked No. 1, North Carolina No. 2 and FSU No. 3. (Raleigh News & Observer)

NC State, after struggling early, moves back into the top 25 at #24.

Talk about a power conference. Carolina hosts Florida State in a three game series at the USA Baseball Complex in Cary this weekend and travels to Virginia and Miami to finish the regular season the following two weekends. The series with Miami will likely decide ACC Tournament seeding.

Quentin Thomas is the winningest player in the history of Carolina basketball.

2008-04-06T00:02:00.005-04:00

In 2000, my dear friend the Grandmaster rejoiced when Roy stayed at Kansas, while I cried because Roy wouldn't leave. In 2003, the same thing happened in reverse, only it was because Roy was coming home.

The only person for whom I would have sacrificed tonight's game was the Grandmaster, because I have known him ten years and I love him like a brother. He sent me a text after the game, a text that told me all was forgiven. And it is. It is, Grandmaster. I cried like a bitch in the first half, and then I took a deep breath and said some bad words on the phone to my father and ate dinner and remembered that it's just a game.

And the thing is, I've seen a semi-final loss to Kansas before. To Roy, even. And two years later there was a title.

Let's not wait two years. Come back next year, boys. Come back, because there's business left unfinished. The score's even. Let's start over from scratch.

"Does this mean we could have a one guard as the leader of our people?"

2008-03-27T19:15:00.005-04:00

After a week of pestering dex. with YouTube clips and ESPN articles and flail-y jazz hands, it's time to come clean. Friends, another gentleman in gym shorts has done the unexpected and swooped in to steal my heart from Tyler Hansbrough almost completely. No, it's not Bobby Frasor. I mean, yes, obviously, but that's actually not who I meant. (However, look to the future for a fist-shaking post about Bobby's glass joints and my plans to swathe him in bubble-wrap.)

Dear readers, let me introduce you to Joe Alexander, starting forward for the West Virginia Mountaineers:

I had an entire list of reasons why Joe Alexander and I are secretly meant for each other -- he's tall with slightly goofy ears; I canonically love tall goofy dudes! He was born in Taiwan and spent most of his formulative years in China; Chinese is one of my favourite cuisines! He isn't afraid to voice strong opinions about the ACC; dex. and I created a blog so we could be loud and opinionated about basketball (although I keep my ACC bashing to the house, or restaurants in Durham, or the backseat of A.'s car)! He respects Huggy Bear and chills to give adorable post-dunk post-game to a wasted Jay Bilas; I would give up a kidney and perhaps some unfertilized eggs to chill with a wasted Bilas and Huggy Bear -- but more than anything, I want him to guest-post here at WWTHD? Joe Alexander, it's totally a pants-optional gig! I'll be calling your people.

I feel it's only fair to note we're watching the Washington State/UNC game (because it's on the TV and we're too wasted to bother with March Madness On Demand) and even dex. is trusting Roy to coach our team without us, so we can devote all our energy to hollering at the West Virginia/Xavier score in the corner. Well. I'm hollering. Someone send dex. a valium, okay?

the sort of post I'd never admit to making.

2008-03-19T20:42:00.005-04:00

Nomar Garciaparra has a broken bone in his right hand, and the Los Angeles Dodgers' third baseman might not be ready for Opening Day.

Really, we don't need to talk about my not-so-secret crush on Thanks, Beautiful, harbored for years whilst he played in Boston and I pined from afar in New York? I mean, it's marginally embarrassing, especially when you think of his propensity for injuring himself. There's only so many jokes a girl can make about pulling one's groin, okay? But he's playing for my coach now -- Joe Torre and Thanks, Beautiful! together again, together for the very first time! -- so I can come out with my love, and make all the references to bringing him water I've ever wanted to make. I am on board with the 2008 Dodgers! I am ready, rested and prepared to do this shit!

UNLESS HE IS ONCE AGAIN TOO BROKEN TO PLAY. DAMNIT, THANKS, BEAUTIFUL. GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.

That's an awful lot of blue in the stands.

2008-03-16T13:01:00.026-04:00

The first two Clemson games damn near killed me. If this goes to triple overtime, y'all will be on your own, because I will be in bed with the covers over my head.

All that said: I hope Clemson's rockin' the purple uniforms again today. I find them inexplicably awesome.

20:00, first half: Honestly, I swear that we have not taken a single tip this year. We have not had the first possession of the game in any game that I can remember, and that includes such memorable opponents as UC-Santa Barbara and the Kent State Golden Flashes.

18:58, first half: Terrible turnover by Deon, missing a pass from Wayne, but he got back faster than he has all year and got a block.

18:49, first half: The press trips Wayne up -- he's not a ball handler, which is why Marcus was the backup point guard to QT when Ty was out -- and then Tyler is called for a blocking foul and Rivers drops a free throw. For once. I have a bad, bad feeling about this game. I have a good, good feeling about the way Clemson's playing.

18:40, first half: Breaking the press by tossing it over the top to Marcus for a dunk. Good eyes on Ty's part.

17:43, first half: Quick steal by Tyler, doesn't dribble off his feet, tiny finger roll. Beautiful. UNC 6, Clemson 2.

17:07, first half: Fast break points off the press are going to be important here. That means quick looks ahead, over the defensive players for Clemson, to catch an open Heel under or near the basket.

16:31, first half: Is that two quick fouls on Mays? Or did I hallucinate the first one?

First TV timeout: Good Lord, I cannot live blog this fast. UNC 10, Clemson 8.

14:35, first half: Quentin Thomas, if you foul a dude and have to ask "What'd I do?", stop doing whatever it was.

12:59, first half: Ways in which this Clemson game is already superior to the last two Clemson games: we've led in regulation already in this game! That didn't happen in the last two! And we've made three pointers! That's some magic we don't always get.

Second TV timeout: UNC 18, Clemson 16. Two fouls on Oglesby, which is a tentatively good sign for us.

11:17, first half: Stupid, stupid ticky foul by Ty Lawson on a shot we were going to clear out, and then the press forces us to turn the ball over and give up a three. With two dumb plays and a block, we go from being up 5 to down 1 with another dumb foul on Alex Stepheson breaking up a fast break. Apparently during the TV timeout we put our stupid hats on again, instead of the good defense good press breaking hats we were wearing before it. Clemson 25, UNC 21.

Third TV timeout: My assessment, being neither a baller nor a coach myself, is that this game feels far less desperate than either of our first two Clemson match-ups. We're down two -- 27-25 -- but we're forcing as many mistakes as we're making, give a one or two swing either team's way, Wayne's stepped up big, and Tyler's going to come alive eventually. I hope. I feel better now than I did earlier in the game.

7:22, first half: Whenever QT drops a basket, my heart swells. I am so proud of what that kid has done this year. He stepped up big-time. Huge.

4:36, first half: Tyler attempts to save a ball out of bounds and nearly maims half the coaching staff. Roy got out of the way this time, though!

3:58, first half: Oh, holy crap, Danny Green goes 1-on-3, misses the layup, catches his own miss, and puts it in. Mays responds on the other end. UNC 32, Clemson 31.

3:04, first half: Danny Green picks off a telegraphed pass to James Mays, chucks it down-court over Wayne Ellington's shoulder, and Wayne drops a layup.

2:35, first half: Too many turnovers -- losing it on the press right there was our ninth in the half. And then we go down to the other end and Danny Green chucks the ball not to Wayne but to Clemson. Clemson returns the favor for a three. Clemson 36, UNC 34.

10.0 sec, first half: Tyler goes to help trap, falls down, and still manages to accidentally somewhere else on the floor cause a turnover. We'll get the last shot of the half, hopefully.

Halftime: Dude, this could have been way uglier than it was. Clemson 39, UNC 38. We could have been down ten. That is really, really possible, the way we played. We should be grateful we're not.

18:51, second half: Wayne Ellington has such a beautiful little shot, tying the game at 40. Mays picks up a second foul. Clemson apparently bought all the hairs that Deron Washington cut off. Marcus drops a finger-roll runner. UNC 42, Clemson 40.

18:00, second half: Tyler loses a contact. ("He leads the league in lost contacts.") Ty drives and puts us up four. UNC 44, Clemson 40.

16:26, second half: Tyler gets fouled going up, no call, gets his own rebound, scores, draws the foul, makes the free throw. UNC 47, Clemson 44.

15:35, second half: God, why can we not stop their three pointers? They're killing us on those. Wayne gets a quick bucket and a foul. UNC 50, Clemson 49.

15:16, second half: Wayne misses both free throws but pulls down the rebound on the other end off Rivers' missed three. Tyler powers inside on the other end. UNC 52, Clemson 49. Tyler picks up his second foul at the other end.

12:18, second half: We go up eight on a Danny Green drive and the announcers start talking about how Clemson is "in trouble". Then Cliff Hammonds strips Danny Green for a basket.

11:47, second half: Beautiful over the top pass from Tyler at the baseline to Wayne, for a lob up to Marcus for the dunk. Cliff Hammonds matches, but we out-run them again for a Marcus lay-up miss and a Wayne put-back. Purnell calls time-out in an attempt to change the momentum of the game.

8:19, second half: Ty drives and drops a lay-up for a ten point lead; Marcus draws an offensive foul on Cliff Hammonds; Wayne stands on the sideline and looks like he's not quite sure what's going on right now.

7:46, second half: Danny Green drains a three and puts the Heels up 13. Picks up his fourth foul on the other end, which isn't good, but isn't fatal, either. Carolina 72, Clemson 59.

6:50, second half: Miss a dunk, give up a three pointer to Clemson. Force a turnover, turn it back over, another three pointer. Offensive foul on QT. God DAMN it. UNC 72, Clemson 67.

5:54, second half: Danny Green fouls out. The ACC officiating -- both for and against us, for and against everyone -- has been appalling bad this year. Terrible. Cheap calls or no calls, nothing in between, and in the off-season, A. and I are buying all the officials rule books. There'll be a quiz in November next year.

25.2, second half: Sorry, I had to go stand on the porch for a while so I wouldn't yell at the TV. UNC 83, Clemson 77, Ty Lawson with one free throw remaining. Makes the second. UNC 84, Clemson 77.

19.0, second half: Clemson drops a lay-up and Ty Lawson commits a stupid, stupid fucking foul. STUPID FOUL.

16.8, second half: Dumbass foul on Tyler. Worst called game I've seen in ages. FUCK.

2.2 second half: For the love of all that is good and holy, QT, do not foul the three point shooter.

And scene: UNC 86, Clemson 81. 17th ACC tournament title for the Heels, 2nd for Roy. Bring on the East Region. Go Heels.

"Work on your shot by shooting less."

2008-03-15T13:14:00.018-04:00

Digger & Bobby are delightful together, but Bobby with the full Game Day crew is seriously the best thing that's happened to me in forever. Rece is loling! Digger is wearing an ugly tie! Hubert is terrified of Coach Knight! Jay is losing his hair! Bobby is stumping for Georgetown! AMAZING.

Tie Watch #33: Inoffensive. Also, the entire outfit matches today, shep. notes, which it did not yesterday.

I'd have liveblogged Clemson/BC last night, except it sucked. But we're back for Carolina/Va Tech, and we'll be here all day.

19:50, first half: Aaaand we start the game with an offensive foul on Tyler. AWESOME!

19:08, first half: If Marcus is going to take it hard to AD Vassallo, that's a good sign -- dropped a short jumper over Vassallo.

18:11, first half: Great screening for a three pointer from the corner for Wayne.

17:56, first half: Tyler has his eyes up and his hands out today; he's stolen the ball twice already. But of course then Ty chucks the ball across the court for a turnover before we can take advantage of the Tyler steal. The key to this game is more steals than dumb turnovers.

14:01, first half: When Tyler takes his first free throws early, I feel better about things.

13:37, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that wasn't a charge, that was a tackle.

13:08, first half: The only good part of Wayne Ellington possibly being hurt is that the Duke has his leg in Surry Wood's lap. LOL.

11:44, first half: Danny Green drives, drops a bucket, and gets fouled. This game is going to be decided at the free throw line.

9:56, first half: This decision that the Heels seem to have made to play no defense and foul a lot when we get out-rebounded, it is not an awesome decision. Thank God for missed free throws.

9:44, first half: I dislike this court-level camera angle. It makes me queasy.

9:20, first half: With 5 on the shot clock, Ty Lawson drains a three-pointer, backpedals, and pulls down his shorts. PULL UP YOUR SHORTS, L'IL BRUDDER, THEY WILL FALL DOWN.

8:07, first half: I know we are capable of playing defense. So how come we're not playing defense today?

7:26, first half: Deron Washington buries a three and puts Carolina down 8. VT 29, UNC 21.

6:20, first half: Danny Green makes the three-point magic happen. VT 29, UNC 24.

5:44, first half: Mike Copeland makes some 2 point magic happen, and then fouls a dude. Plus-minus stands at zero, score stands at VT 29, UNC 26.

5:27, first half: Tyler Hansbrough always makes magic happen, but then he doesn't block out. VT 32, UNC 28.

3:11, first half: Tyler drops two free throws to tie the game for the first time in a million years. Then somebody for Virginia Tech chucks in a basket without looking. Then Wayne makes a layup. I can't keep up with this crap. VT 36, UNC 36.

1:30, first half: AD Vassallo is killing us. I don't understand why Marcus isn't guarding him.

Halftime: VT 38, UNC 38. It could be a hell of a lot worse than it is. New game in the second half. I have faith (and, thanks to shep., still most of my hair).

18:48, second half: Second and third chance shots don't help us when we don't make them.

12:56, second half: Put it in Tyler's hands, and we can win this game. Keep playing like flailing morons, and we will go home.

5:18, second half: "For the Tar Heels cannot live with prosperity." DAMN RIGHT, ANNOUNCERS. We force a turnover, we turn it over before we score. Jesus.

But as I just noted to shep.: we lost in the ACC semis in '05. We dropped the championship game in '93. I am remaining calm. Calm, and drunk.

3:11, second half: Dear Wayne: that three pointer was lovely. Thank you. I shall consider it my birthday present. Love and kisses, dex.

2:45, second half: Dear Wayne: I take that nice letter back. What the hell kind of motherfucking bullshit is mouthing off to Deron in front of a referee? You, sir, are fired. No love, dex.

2:38, second half: Beautiful put-back by Tyler on Wayne's missed free-throw. And Wayne matches a three. And I go put more amaretto in my drink.

Final: UNC 68, VT 66. HOLY CRAP WE DID NOT DESERVE THAT. Also: that's what you expect from a Player of the Year. Hell, yes. That shot, and the stupidest running motion in the world.

"You have to explain what a moving screen is, okay."

2008-03-14T12:00:00.019-04:00

For the record, before I live blog this shenanigan, Digger Phelps & Bobby Knight together with Rece Davis are one of the most delightful things that has ever happened to television. Bobby's lasted two whole days without cursing! It's a miracle.

So, live blog. I have a beer, I have some fruit, it's time for basketball.

Tie Watch #32: It's brown paisley. With a blue shirt. Roy, I'm not sure that's a valid fashion choice.

17:32, first half: Until Toney Douglas just dropped that three-pointer (FSU's first basket of the game, made when Lawson lost his defensive assignment, which always worries me; I'm still not sure Ty is 100%), the most interesting thing that had happened in this game was our at-home discussion of Deon Thompson's socks. We approve of them.

16:07, first half: A turnover by the Carolina guards leading to a FSU fast break basket to take the lead at 7-6, and then Deon getting trapped under the basket for another turnover. Neither is a good sign, but neither is a bad sign, either. TV timeout; time to reclaim the pace for Carolina.

14:49, first half: A beautiful kick-out pass from Deon Thompson (who has stepped up lately, which I approve of, as well as his socks) to Wayne Ellington for a three. FSU 11, UNC 9.

14:03, first half: The thing about Wayne Ellington, which I often forget, is that he's almost as quick in the open court as Ty Lawson. A nice steal, good "guard hands" as Mike Patrick likes to say, and a stupid foul on the layup by FSU. Two free throws tie it, UNC 11, FSU 11.

13:11, first half: I think the inside game is key to this game -- draw the fouls on Echefu and Reid early, and then pound it inside to Tyler, Deon and Alex when it's opened up a little. The pass to Alex -- made basket, plus one free throw -- is a good example of that. UNC 16, FSU 14.

12:46, first half: The dribble penetration -- oh, how I hate that phrase -- of FSU is killing us. The defensive stops need to happen in the lane, without fouling.

12:16, first half: Tyler's turnaround jumper from almost the free throw line is a thing of beauty. UNC 18, FSU 16.

12:00, first half: They didn't call any fouls in the UNC/Duke game, and I think we've had more in the first half of this game (on both teams) than we had in the entirety of that one.

8:27, first half: Sorry, I got derailed by having to go outside and contemplate the Tar Heel turnovers to this point so I wouldn't have to lie down on the floor. But as of right now, I'm not wild about our play; we're having a very hard time getting the ball inside and we're not taking the rare open outside shot. Of course, I'm not a basketball player -- our cats, including the fat one, both have a better vertical leap than me -- so what the hell do I know?

6:16, first half: I was starting to wonder if we were going to need to pay for a basket, but Marcus drops a three from downtown to give us a three point lead and break a nearly five-minute scoreless drought. UNC 23, FSU 20.

4:07, first half: I wince every time William Graves touches the ball, because I know he's going to drop a long bomb, but when he makes them, I care less. After a Mims three, it's UNC 30, FSU 25.

2:20, first half: FSU can run with the Heels, and we're letting them; our rebounding has been poorer than usual today. Second half goals should include getting more rebounds, and perhaps getting some fouls called on Echefu under the basket, because I swear Danny Green just got mugged, twice. Maybe that's why we can't buy a basket. We don't have wallets any more.

After that TV timeout, Roy's coat is off. I REPEAT, ROY'S COAT IS OFF. I have no idea why Echefu is shooting free throws, but at least he only made one.

17:56, second half: Apparently no one wants to score this half; two minutes in and we're holding steady at the halftime score. UNC 35, FSU 28.

16:04, second half: Tyler Hansbrough breaks a 64-minute free throw drought by picking up the third point in an and-one situation. UNC 39, FSU 30.

14:18, second half: I hate it when Alex Stepheson bricks two free throws in a row. I love it when Tyler goes to the free throw line. It's not rocks fall, everybody dies; it's rocks falls, Tyler Hansbrough shoots free throws.

13:08, second half: Quentin Thomas drives, makes a layup. Tyler Hansbrough has picked up at least two National Player of the Year awards, but QT is my Carolina Player of the Year, no questions asked.

12:27, second half: Carolina forces a shot-clock violation with Marcus Ginyard smothering Toney Douglas. shep. sez: "Let's do it in many different positions, Marcus Ginyard!" in response to Billy Packer talking about Lean Cuisine's versatility. Lean Cuisine and your Charlie Brown head and your swishy little hips, you have played like a champ today, even if your box score line rarely shows it. We salute you.

10:31, second half: An IM conversation upon seeing Deron Washington during a TV timeout:

dex.: DERON WASHINGTON HAS NO HAIRS
dex.: WHERE DID HIS HAIRS GO.
a.: maybe Deron sold his hair to pay for that ridiculous necklace he had on

8:58, second half: We call Ryan Reid "The Puncher". (Which is different from Chris Paul, who I call -- with all affection, I adore Chris Paul -- "The Nut Puncher".) Just picked up his fourth foul. Go inside to Tyler.

8:38, second half: Although frankly, Tyler's getting beat on defense pretty badly today; I don't know if he's tired, or he's just not seeing the cuts, or what. And frankly, when you're Tyler Hansbrough, I feel that you can do whatever you want. You want to come over and eat all our food, Tyler Hansbrough, you're welcome to it.

2:46, second half: Wayne Ellington jumper, beautiful; letting Mims get his own rebound and score, less awesome.

2:22, second half: It really looks like somebody barfed on Roy's neck. Wanda, please burn that tie.

1:20, second half: I always, always want to reach through the TV and pull Ty Lawson's pants up. I worry that he's going to try on them!

16.9 seconds, second half: Marcus Ginyard drops a three at the shot clock buzzer. Roy nearly draws a technical foul for "making a point" about Tyler. Carolina wins, 82-70. I go take a nap in preparation for the Clemson game tonight, which I may also liveblog, for the lolz.

I was hoping for an Austin Peay-IUPUI tournament game, I can't lie.

2008-03-12T13:29:00.002-04:00

Mostly I'm posting to use the mascot-on-mascot tag, and to make jokes about Oral Roberts. Oral Roberts! I mean, the jokes write themselves. Yesterday in the Summit League final, Jawz the Jaguar (representing for IUPUI) and Eli the Eagle (representing for Oral Roberts & the only Sutton family member goin' to the the Big Dance) got into it on the court. They were both ejected.

Makes me kind of wish I'd watched the Summit League final, frankly.

"Beasley's a freshman. Hansbrough's not."

2008-03-11T14:05:00.001-04:00

Just a quick note that I stood on the street, waiting for the light to change, next to this blog's namesake this morning; he's very tall, and an excellent whistler.

And he's also the Sporting News Player of the Year for 2008, guaranteeing that Tyler Hansbrough's number will be retired to hang next to those of Jordan, Worthy, Ford, Jamison, Rosenbluth, in the rafters of the Dean Dome when he finishes his college career. Congrats, Tyler. We here at WWTHD? couldn't have asked for a better guy to name our blogging efforts after.

(We have been seriously remiss in our efforts to blog over the last, oh, six weeks. We will try to do better; I plan to bring the liveblogs back for the ACC tournament at least, and hopefully the NCAAs as well, assuming my blood pressure, my liver, and shep.'s sanity can stand it. I did write a post about Memphis that would have made angry Memphis fans come and yell at me, but then Memphis lost and it seemed sort of pointless to post it after that. But we'll be better during baseball season, I promise!)

"the thought of your sister on a date with the paulus is amazingly funny."

2008-01-31T20:29:00.000-05:00

This is the greatest physical embodiment of what shep. and I call THE FACE. "Quick, come back, Roy's making THE FACE again!" Yes, I took a picture of our TV. It was necessary. THE FACE. I make it all the time, especially when Danny Green is turning the ball over.

Speaking of, I saw both Danny Green and Second Greatest Enemy Of Our Apartment TJ Yates (the first is The Paulus, Being The Duke Paulus Who Flops, aka That Boy) on Franklin Street today. Danny Green was tall, and hot, and six inches from me. TJ was eating a hamburger at Sutton's and I didn't punch him. When shep. finally sucker punches TJ, I want it to be a surprise!

"It's national TV, you shouldn't have worn that shirt."

2008-01-19T15:31:00.001-05:00

OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP, STEVE LAVIN.

I have bedhead and I haven't taken a shower, but I also have beer and cheese. So it's a mixed bag. Coming up, Tie Watch #19, live blog, and the over/under on Gary Williams sweating through his suit coat!

Tie Watch #19: THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. I REPEAT, THE RAINBOW TIE IS BACK. SHIELD ALL EYES AND HIDE SMALL CHILDREN.

20:00, first half: What the hell was that violation? I blinked, and the Twerps had the ball.

The color on this broadcast is all weird. Everyone looks fuzzy.

19:29, first half: If Tyler bleeds, I'mma eat a bitch. I'm just saying.

17:28, first half: I can't lie: I love Boom Osby's hair more than just about anything else in the ACC.

I do not love that dunk he just made.

14:25, first half: I know we know how to play defense. I know we can. WHY AREN'T WE? WHERE IS THE RAGE BLACKOUT, ROY?

12:47, first half: TERRIBLE DEFENSE. I might be bald by halftime from ripping my own hair out.

11:29, first half: I seriously worry that Ty Lawson's pants are going to fall right off in a fast break one of these days.

Crowd sounds like they're back in it, which is good for us. I know people think that the Dean Dome is a whine-and-cheese crowd, but when the place gets going -- and it can -- it's not as tough as Cameron, but it's tough.

11:08, first half: Beautiful little steal from Alex on the inbounds. Defense is really it this year, we have the offense -- defend.

9:31, first half: How do you get home-jobbed at home, Christ.

8:46, first half: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US THIS WEEK.

6:46, first half: I have tried long and hard not to complain about ACC officiating, because it is a really hard job; I say that in all honesty. It is a sucky, awful job, with Coach K in one ear and Roy in your other, but for fuck's sake, we are getting screwed with our goddamned pants on today, and I do not understand why.

6:04, first half: Tyler makes his first field goal. Holy fuck.

4:07, first half: So you can call ticky-tacky touch fouls on us all day, and when Wayne gets smacked in the face, it's all-ball? AWESOME, OFFICIATING CREW, AWESOME.

3:05, first half: We cannot hold on to the damn ball today. It's liked somebody oiled our HANDS.

2:27, first half: FINALLY a goddamned offensive foul. CHRIST.

Halftime: My only comment on our performance thus far was a very loud burp. There's really nothing fucking else to say.

I've pretty much just thrown up my hands; I don't know who this team is, I don't know what they think they're doing out there. We've survived this earlier this year, we have, but -- god damn if I don't think we need a loss. I hate losing, it makes me crazy, but that damned 0 is sitting there and laughing at us, and this team -- this team playing right now, right this minute -- needs to get blown the hell out. They don't deserve a number one ranking. They don't deserve a ranking at all.

It was never an if we lost; it was a when. We should be 1-3 in the ACC right now. We're 3-1. I call that goddamned lucky.

"The game is over, and there was way too much extracurricular activity."

2008-01-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

No serious live-blog tonight; we're bad bloggers, I know, but we're both getting sick and I need to mostly just lie on the floor drinking tea spiked with Jack Daniels and declaring my love for Jay Bilas.

I can't lie, I very much enjoyed all aspects of the Duke/FSU game tonight, but I especially loved Greg Paulus punching a dude in a face mask in the, well, face mask. Shades of Greg Oden! Only, as shep. said, about twenty inches shorter.

"I think we've sunk to a new low."

2008-01-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, while attempting to climb over a table, The Roy got tangled in a cord for some piece of electronic equipment and fell down and smashed his head open; he later blamed it on all the "dadgum memorabilia" in his "too small" office. There are so many jokes here, you guys, I don't even know where to start.

Today we face The Amazing Red Blazer of Blindingness at home; I am going to attempt to live blog sans booze, so I hope it's not as close as Clemson. As our dear friend J. said to her husband this week, "I don't think shep. will forgive you if dex. dies of alcohol poisoning." Plus I forgot to buy beer.

So here we are, then. 16-0, facing down 15 straight ACC games. If there was ever a time to cultivate my zen, it's now.

Official Tie Watch #17: Inoffensive. We haven't seen the rainbow tie in a while! I wonder if Wanda burned it, finally.

19:40, first half: Marcus Ginyard, that was not awesome.

19:12, first half: Wayne Ellington, that was awesome.

18:32, first half: Tyler missing free throws always weirds me out.

Also, the Roy showing off his stitches on national TV makes us laugh and laugh. He's like a little kid with battle scars. Or maybe Tyler accidentally tried to eat Roy's brains!

17:47, first half: Dear Len and Mike: Alex Stepheson had a family emergency; Deon has been here the whole time. P.S. Thank you for the apology.

17:08, first half: Well, the news that writhing around on the floor is no longer a travel is good news for Tyler. And Ty. And pretty much everybody on this team. They writhe a lot.

15:06, first half: That pass. I just had a genuine moment where I wanted to do QT. Those are few and far between!

13:37, first half:

dex.: That's not the shirt you hate.
shep.: It's one of them.

13:28, first half: There's pretty much nothing in the world that makes me happier than forcing a shot clock violation. Unless it involves naked dudes in my bed, really.

12:30, first half:

shep.: "Coach! Coach! We tried real hard, we all helped! Did you see, coach? Did you see?"

AND YET: TIP DRILL, NO BASKET. (But Danny does get free throws, the first of which he PROMPTLY MISSES.)

10:30, first half: Beautiful defense, forcing a turnover, plus a fast-break basket and a free throw. Good boys.

9:52, first half: Sidney, you're not supposed to say that on TV.

In a discussion of how Bobby Frasor is going to be a good coach, given his fondness for sitting next to Roy during games:
dex.: [Bobby]'s not allowed to sit next to Roy anymore, though. He's got to sit at the end of the bench. I hope he's making friends with Patrick Moody.
shep.: I've resigned myself to the fact that my wedding is going to be full of wretches.

shep.: I love Roy's interpretive dance.

7:05, first half:

Len Elmore: If it weren't for bad luck, State would have no luck.

LEN. THAT ISN'T VERY NICE.

6:58, first half: I think Sidney's about to stroke out. Poor Sidney.

6:39, first half: Tyler Hansbrough just had an assist. :D :D :D

HE HAS EIGHT REBOUNDS, JESUS.

2:48, first half:

Mike Patrick: If Thomas is scoring, then it's over, isn't it?

OH, SNAP, MIKE PATRICK.

2:13, first half: SHARKS THAT SMELL BLOOD.

shep.: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
dex.: NOM NOM NOM WOLFPACK.

Halftime:

shep.: You feel comfortable with a 30 point lead?
dex.: Yes. Mostly.

I am hurting for State right now; I mean, we have played exquisite defense, best all year, and it's been unbelievably fun to watch, but oh, State. I wanted to win, but I wanted a good game.

10:00, second half: What can you really say about a second half that followed that kind of first half? Not much. We're playing good defense, though not as good as the first half; we're shooting well, though not as well as the first half. It's just ... you know. What is there to say?

"do you know what the paulus is majoring in? your paulus, i mean."

2008-01-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

If it isn't already clear, shep. is the calm, placid watcher in this house, and I am the neurotic, flailing mess. I come by this honestly, though: my mother is also a neurotic, flailing mess, and I learned how to watch Carolina basketball from her. I'm a doomsayer, a worst-case-scenario maven, the one in the room who thinks that we're about to go 0-17 in the ACC, despite the fact that we only have 16 games scheduled this year. I can't help it. Something could always go wrong! Seasons rarely end as happily as I want them to! THERE ARE A LOT OF WHAT IFS, HERE.

I keep trying to drink enough to make me zen, except then I end up posting live blogs exhorting Mormons to "stop doing things!!!!!", which isn't the best blogging material in the world.

Nevertheless: I am reasonably well-lubricated with white wine, and I have shouted out some anxieties at Greg Paulus, and we are ready to watch Carolina, sans Bobby Frasor and Alex Stepheson, go to Death Valley to face a very, very good Clemson team. Should the live blog cease midway through the first half, please assume that I have fallen over dead, and send condolences to shep. as appropriate.

Tie Watch #15: I think it's one of the paisley ones. As long as it's not the rainbow one, Jesus. (It should also be noted that this morning, on Inside Carolina Basketball With Roy Williams, The Roy was wearing the ugliest sweater in the history of the universe. This sweater would have given epileptics seizures. Wanda, how could you let him out like that?)

19:30, first half: Dude, I think that Clemson dude traveled. AWESOME.

18:35, first half: Wayne Ellington, thank you for being awesome.

17:22, first half: "He's always strong." YES, THANK YOU, TYLER HANSBROUGH IS VERY STRONG.

17:12, first half:

dex.: ACK. ACK. SHEP. *points at Oliver Purnell*
shep.: That is a ... very orange coat. I still think the Roy needs a Carolina blue coat. It would be ugly, but it would be awesome.

I think this is going to be a brutal game. Lots of fouls.

16:15, first half: Whoever's posting up against Tyler -- Booker? -- is dropping his goddamned shoulder and shuffling through the frigging paint every time he touches the ball. And it's too early for me to have a rage blackout.

(I swear I am not one of those fans who thinks her team is constantly getting home-jobbed, I really am not. I just think we're constantly getting home-jobbed in Clemson, every damn year. I still blame Rick Barnes for this, too, in case you were interested.)

14:49, first half: Shot clock violation. That's a good sign for our defense.

Roy, that tie isn't in and of itself offensive -- but with that shirt, uh, no.

14:11, first half: Booker is pushing the paint around, god damn it.

11:55, first half:

a.: at Clemson, everyone gets home-jobbed
dex.: my eyes are getting home-jobbed by oliver purnell's COAT

11:12, first half: BOOKER JUST RAN OVER DANNY GREEN, AND I AM ABOUT TO START DRINKING WINE FROM THE BOTTLE.

10:05, first half: I totally just broke our corkscrew off in a new bottle of wine. shep.: "Perhaps that is for the best for you right now." a.: "if this game keeps up you are going to need more something."

dex.: "I HAVE BEER."

8:35, first half: Great tap-out by Tyler to Ty. Good boys. I like that motion, that speed. Our defense hasn't been bad this game, but we need to stop fouling. The bench isn't deep enough.

8:06, first half: Random Announcer, "I'm winded calling this game!"

6:00, first half:

dex.: You just missed the best news about Bobby Frasor.
shep.: Did he announce our engagement on national TV?

5:00, first half: THAT WAS NOT OKAY, QUENTIN THOMAS. NOT OKAY AT ALL.

3:37, first half: MIKE COPELAND. AWESOME.

3:02, first half: I never thought I'd saw this ... but these announcers make me miss Dick Vitale.

2:22, first half: Danny Green is a bad ass new god.

0:41.8, first half: GODDAMN IT, DEON.

Halftime: I'm a little more zen than I thought I'd be, but still not enough. Every time we start to pull away, someone (QUENTIN THOMAS) does something stupid. Over/under on Roy's rage blackout at halftime?

16:27, second half: I AM ZEN -- THANK YOU, WANYE -- LIKE AN OCEAN.

14:00, second half: Wayne Ellington is the only reason I haven't drowned myself in the washing machine.

13:38, second half: Seriously, Clemson, don't put your junk on Tyler Hansbrough. It might not be there when you get back up.

The Roy is making a face, Jesus.

5:34, second half: Okay, I can't even.

We're getting so frigging home-jobbed. Up yours, Clemson, you dumb jerks.

1:50, second half:

shep.: I'm glad to see him washing it off, he usually just sticks it back in there!

0:24.1, second half: If we go to overtime, I'm out of beer.

0.00.4, overtime:

dex.: i am breathing deep
dex.: i am zen
a.: told you
dex.: I AM ZEN
dex.: THE DUKE IS ZEN
dex.: EVERYONE IS ZEN
dex.: I AM THE ONLY DRUNK ONE, THOUGH

OH JESUS HOLY CRAP THANK GOD.

"It's just that I expect to win."

2008-01-05T19:46:00.001-05:00

(Lyrics available here.)

Ryan Parker, in addition to being a genius, is also a Kentucky fan, so before I am dogpiled by UK fans for having the nerve to keep picking on the Wildcats, in my defense, your own fans are starting to turn on Gillispie. I'm just sayin', is all.

(Happy New Year to all eight of our beloved readers. Now that shep. and I have recovered from two straight weeks of drinking, we'll be back to tip off the ACC season with a depleted Carolina team heading down to Death Valley to face Clemson tomorrow night. I'll have booze, shep. will have cutting wit, and we'll both have a live blog, tipping off at 7:30.)

"seriously, stop saying the Beast Fister!"

2007-12-27T20:49:00.000-05:00

Some random things I'd rather talk about, as opposed to thinking about Bobby Frasor leaving during the second half of tonight's Nevada/North Carolina game with a torn ACL (three words, dear readers: oh. my. god. Or four; BRING ME ANOTHER DRINK.):

Tyler Hansbrough's uncle, Sean 'The Beast' Fister. What. Okay, so maybe I'm actually twelve years old, and maybe I made many, many inappropriate jokes about alternative sexual practices every time the ESPN announcers said his name. Not that there's anything wrong with fisting, of course. I'm just saying, that is one big dude.
Roger Clemens hiring investigators to discredit Brian McNamee, the dude who told George Mitchell he injected the tub of lard and 'roids with steroids and HGH on multiple occasions (while he was in Toronto, and again when he played for New York). My amusement at these shenanigans is never-ending; mostly because I can't stop thinking, maybe Andy Pettitte was around whilst Clemens was being shot in the ass with steroids! And then, maybe they kissed. Awwww. That's true love, baby.
Mark Prior signing a one-year contract with the San Diego Padres. We love Mark Prior, here at WWTHD? -- at least I do, because I'm not a Cubs fan; however, I'm fairly certain Tyler Hansbrough would not love him because he's a big whiny bitch -- but we love the Padres more and man, San Diego, what are you doing? MARK PRIOR'S ELBOW IS MADE OF GLASS. WASN'T THAT PROVEN SCIENTIFICALLY AT SOME POINT? We discussed this acquisition tonight, over beer and roasted potatoes, and I think our feelings were best summarized when dex. turned to me and said, "remember, in high school, when your mom told you getting pregnant would ruin your life? I'm pretty sure Mark Prior is the Padres' teenage pregnancy." Truer words, my friends.
TORN ACL. TORN ACL. TORN ACL. SEASON-ENDING SURGERY. TORN ACL. Alright, so Bobby Frasor is also made of glass, and I might be incapable of thinking about anything else until sometime well into 2008. I have here a straight razer and a bottle of gin, I stop cutting when the gin's all gone.

I can't lie, I don't want to change the channel from the Georgetown/Memphis game.

2007-12-22T12:45:00.000-05:00

The bathtub is scrubbed, the dishes are clean, shep.'s Christmas present is finally acquired (so if Tyler Hansbrough is missing from today's game, well, you know why, sorry, Tar Heel fans, she needed him more), and I have a glass of wine and some chocolate. Bring on the liveblogging!

(No, I have no opinion on the bizarre -- and getting more bizarre by the day -- news about the three Tar Heel football players who were kidnapped and assaulted over the weekend, but I can assure you that neither shep. nor I were involved. I was in Baltimore and shep. was napping on the pineapple couch. Besides, if it didn't involve TJ Yates getting kicked in the junk, you can be sure we weren't involved. That's the only assault we're interested in!)

So Santa Barbara. I think I vaguely remember them from a tournament five or ten years ago, and they all had long hair and tans. I am fully expecting a team full of surfers to face us today, and if I don't get them, I'm gonna be sad.

Coming at 1 PM: the 11th Tie Report of the year. I hope it's something Christmas themed!

Pre-game: Whoops. Tyler's still at the basketball game. Sorry, shep. Maybe for your birthday, when he's out of season. (Also: whenever pre-game talk covers how the opposing team has "one of the great shooters in the nation", I sort of want to throw up. Dear Wayne Ellington: step up today, or I shall put you on notice for no other reason than I CAN, and also I like my blood pressure where it is, not 20 points higher. Love and kisses, dex.)

19:57, first half: Well, that's a nice start.

11TH TIE REPORT OF THE YEAR: inoffensive; possibly red and white checks of some sort, which isn't a hand-painted Santa but could have been worse.

19:01, first half: Dear Tyler: please eat someone. Love, dex.

18:30, first half: Ty Lawson is so fast it scares me, sometimes. That little pick-off was just stunning.

17:51, first half: Ty Lawson, also that was a terrible shot, Jesus.

17:25, first half: In the spirit of the holiday season, I would like to note my immense gratitude to Nike for the white compression jerseys that Carolina wears at home. Good god, that's some hotass basketball player on my team, shit.

16:38, first half: INCREDIBLE steal by Tyler, and a sweet little spin on the dunk. OH, TYLER, I LOVE YOU.

15:34, first half: At the first TV timeout, I'm reasonably pleased with the pace so far; we've had a few more turnovers than I'm ever pleased by, but the defense has been stellar, so that makes up for it. Tyler, of course, needs to get more touches, but he's the focus of every defense until someone else makes them focus elsewhere, so I'd rather see Danny, the Duke, or Ty step up and blow it open until UCSB can't double-team Tyler anymore.

But I'm not the coach, so nobody asked me.

13:57, first half: Ty Lawson, Raymond Felton, Kenny Smith, Phil Ford. God, you know, I don't really think about it? But, fuck, do we have some of the best point guards in the history of the game in our program. Some really fucking fast dudes, too. And I watched that 2005 team like a hawk, and Ty Lawson isn't as cautious or necessarily smart as Felton, but he's a better shooter, and he's faster.

12:44, first half: I need Deon to have a good game. I think Deon needs Deon to have a good game, too.

12:02, first half: Dude, QT has arms. How come I never noticed that?

11:50, first half: Look, I'm actually sad that Roy didn't make anybody barf at practice this week, because I find the news reports after Roy's run people into barfing to be fucking hilarious, but I did enjoy this quote from him today: "I didn't try to kill anybody, but I wanted them to know what a hard practice was. I thought about trying to kill them, but 12 hours helps." I think about trying to kill them sometimes, too, Roy. You're not alone. I think that Butch could probably help you with a support group for wanting to kill your players; I mean, he coaches TJ Yates.

11:44, first half: I miss ESPN's game interface when the games are on FSN or the networks; I like the little thing that tells me how many timeouts a team has left. Also, the tie is more than inoffensive; it's delightful! With a pin-striped suit! And a matching handkerchief! Awwww, Roy.

11:06, first half: Tyler ... missed a free throw. What? WHAT. He made the second one, though, so I'm placated.

9:36, first half: Bad ass new god Marcus Ginyard, let me show you him. Let me show you Marcus Ginyard.

9:05, first half: Fuck, those two steals! Ty Lawson, speedster! Tyler Hansbrough, playing like a guard! HOLY SHIT, THIS TEAM. Tyler has an assist!

8:11, first half: Every time the Heels do something dumb, I find myself shouting, "NO! NO! BAD!", which is what we shout at the cats when they do things like scratch the couch and try to steal nail files off the table and try to eat people food, so every time the Heels screw up, the cats leap about six inches in the air and try to look innocent.

6:22, first half: LOOK, DOES ANYBODY IN THE NATION KNOW HOW TO DEFEND THE THREE POINTER? BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TWO RAGE BLACKOUTS FROM A STROKE, HERE, AND I THINK THE ROY IS, TOO.

3:27, first half: I know we like the fast break, Ty Lawson, but you couldn't have kicked that one out to Bobby for a three instead of trying to toss it in yourself? SHAME ON YOU.

2:55, first half: Somebody just patted Marcus's head, n'awwww. He is such a good defender it scares me. He reminds me of Jackie Manuel, Brian Reese, Phil Ford.

2:22, first half: Also, Marcus is hottt.

1:08, first half: Tyler tossed that in OVER HIS HEAD, BEHIND HIS BACK.

0:45, first half: Bobby, baby, I know you can shoot. I know. I just saw it. DO IT MORE.

Half-time: Half-time props, Deon Thompson, Marcus Ginyard. Great rebounding and stifling defense, respectively. Everyone else has played up to my expectations, but those two have exceeded. Props, guys.

Half-time, part two: Wow, Memphis really beat the shit out Georgetown after the half. Memphis scares the shit out of me, no lie. And not just because I think that John Calipari eats brains. One more undefeated down. God, I hope somebody beats Memphis before the Final Four.

18:08, second half: ... well. This just got less interesting to live blog, though I must admit I'm more comfortable when the Heels are up 30.

16:03, second half: We've reached the stage when I feel bad for UCSB, because there's no way that they can pace or pass or shoot with us, and with Deon and Tyler playing like wing-guards, hands in every passing lane, there's just no stopping them.

14:53, second half: According to the dudes on the TV, we can go deep into March without making a three pointer. I DISAGREE, TV DUDES.

11:10, second half: The TV dudes say: "The LEAD is THIRTY for the Tar Heels." !!!

9:36, second half: HEY, LOOK, A THREE POINTER! And then one for them, but whatever.

8:23, second half: TV Dudes, I do enjoy looking at Deon Thompson! Thank you for sharing him with me!

7:15, second half: We've outscored them 39-2 on fast break points, Jesus.

6:45, second half: What a beautiful catch, pass and score. Props, Ty. Props, Marcus.

5:31, second half: 17 points for Marcus Ginyard, a career high. HOT DAMN.

3:26, second half: This game is pretty much over, but I feel compelled to note: Tyler and I own the same water bottle! Clearly this is a sign of ... something. N'AWWWWW, LOOKIT, JB TANNER, HI, SKINNY WHITE DUDES WHO GET TO PLAY NOW.

And game: 105-70. Not much of a game, really, but I got to see Greg Little score 5 points, so that was totally worth it.

"Screw you guys!"

2007-12-16T20:17:00.000-05:00

Let's just get this out there right now: Maryland losing to Ohio University (not even THE Ohio State University!) and BC losing to UMass do not signal the weakening of the ACC, the freezing over of hell, and the coming of the apocalypse.

I mean, it's not a good sign for the Maryland basketball team this year, frankly, but it doesn't mean that the ACC is crumbling, crumbling all around us.

Really.

I swear.

It doesn't.

Come down off the ledge now, John Swofford. Please.

The first thing you need to remember is that, in the case of BC, UMass specifically and the Atlantic-10 in general were once actually national powers. Temple at the height of John Chaney's brilliance; Xavier off and on for years and years; UMass in the days of (it kills me to give him props, but) John Calipari and Marcus Camby. (Sure, UMass's trip to the Final Four was invalidated because it turned out that Camby took money from agents, but that's really neither here nor there nor relevant to talent.) UMass beat a very solid Syracuse team in the Carrier Dome. I wasn't surprised that BC -- a team that lost its heart, soul, and leading scorer when Jared Dudley left -- collapsed in the face of a fierce, underrated UMass team. You mean you were? It's an upset, I suppose, major conference losing to mid-major conference, but BC isn't supposed to be great this year anyway. UMass may be up-swinging again, finally recovering from the mess that Calipari left there. And I say good for them if that's the case.

The second thing you need to remember is this: welcome to the brave new world of Parity & The Internets. (That's be a pretty good band name. If I ever start a girl punk band, I shall call it Parity & The Internets. I cannot play an instrument, but should I learn, that is.)

Here's where I out myself: I spent three years, between my BA and my MS, working for a private company that profiled student-athletes and marketed them to college coaches, in pretty much any sport you can imagine. (We worked with fencers. And equestrians. Only two or three of each, though, before we realized we couldn't made it work, which is really not relevant to this story.) As odd as that sounds, we didn't actually violate any NCAA rules in what we did; coaches have thousands of rules about contacting athletes, but there aren't actually any rules about athletes contacting coaches. So what my company did was put good athletes -- not blue chippers, not All-Americans (well, not often; although I have met and drunk with some current NBA players), but solid All-State athletes who couldn't play for the big schools because of size or talent or whatever -- in touch with coaches at smaller schools, where the students might get a free education and the coaches might get a good addition to their team. We worked with coaches from D1 down to NAIA and JCs, and what we did was, essentially, level the playing field for coaches with very small recruiting budgets.

Revenue sports (ie, sports that make the university active profit; football, men's basketball and women's basketball at BCS schools are always rev sports, and almost nothing else ever is, though sometimes you'll have an outlier at a school where the program's exceptional; women's soccer is a rev sport at Carolina, because of all the titles) at Big D1 schools have recruiting budgets that mean they can afford to travel, to see every kid they want to. Rev sports at smaller D1 schools and definitely at D2, D3, NAIA schools can't afford that. (Yes, I know D3 schools can't offer athletic scholarships; they can say, we want you and we will find money for you if you come here and play on our team. It's not an athletic scholarship, it sucks for non-athletes, it's what happens whether or not you think it sucks.) Non-rev sports at any school can hardly afford to travel, quite frankly.

The Internets changed that, because we could send unknown gems of kids from Arizona (kids who weren't being recruited by anyone) to coaches in Michigan (who couldn't afford to recruit outside of Michigan before the Internet) and improve their basketball (soccer, softball, swimming) teams 150% immediately. We could get kids who weren't being recruited, but should have been, in front of coaches who had $6000 for a whole year and that includes travel, and we could get coaches players they wouldn't have heard of, otherwise. We could send All-State swimmers to Wisconsin (one of my favorite kids I ever worked with; I worked primarily in Sales and Marketing by the end, not with the athletes, but this swimmer from California, a girl we'll call H., who's got to be a senior at UW now, was one of the few kids I hung onto from the period of time at the beginning when we all did everything) and there are still a few D1 basketball players I see on TV on a regular basis, who I can look at and grin and think, I remember when you were 6'9" and weighed 150 pounds soaking wet and were so shy you wouldn't say more than four words to me at a time, and all you wanted to do was get Bruce Weber or Bill Self or Roy Williams to pay attention to you, because we got the coach who didn't take a second look at this kid, who's going to be an All-Conference center in a major conference this year, to take a third look.

We did that with the internet and a massive database and a lot of phone calls. We did it without violating any NCAA regulations or by-laws. I was unhappy with a lot of things at my company when I left, but what I was doing, what the company was doing, was never one. I believed in the work and I believed in the kids and I believed in the success stories we got to see.

There's ways and ways of recruiting these days, and the small schools are starting to compete with the big schools. Look at this year's football season: parity. Anybody can beat anybody on any given day.

Parity's coming for college basketball, too. That's all this means. I may think there are problems with the coaching system that's in place right now, and I do, especially when it comes to patience with coaches, but that's not the same as thinking the whole product and program is flawed. I don't think the whole thing is flawed; I think it's changing, but not necessarily for the worse (except in the case of the ACC logo, gosh-darned friggin' BC). There's nothing wrong with the ACC, per se, that isn't already a root problem with the Maryland basketball team specifically. They might not be very good this year, but that's not the ACC's problem -- that's Gary Williams' problem. He's not using the internet, metaphorically speaking, and parity's coming for him because he's gotten hammered on recruiting the last couple of years. There will always be majors, mid-majors, and minors -- there will always be a play-in game and a team that doesn't even really go to the Dance. The NIT will continue to be the Not Invited Tournament. But there's a corner that's being turned in recruiting, and it's about the Internet, and it's about parity.

Ohio University just stuck that lesson to Maryland early, is all.

(All opinions in this post reflect my opinions only; I will back up with facts as best I can without violating my non-compete and my non-disclosure agreements, because for all my problems at the end, I still respect my company; shep. cannot be blamed for my outrageous opinions at all.)

"I'd love to see TJ Yates in the Peach Bowl. I'd laugh and laugh and laugh."

2007-12-13T08:59:00.001-05:00

Greg Little is joining the basketball team starting at today's practice.

I'm willing to give this a try; the basketball team has had some success with adding football players as walk-ons, mostly for bodies and minutes in otherwise thin roster years, in the past, most notably the spectacular season Julius Peppers had in 2000. But there have also been flops: Ronald Curry was recruited as a point guard, spent more time being a decent quarterback, and quit the basketball team after three years, which, frankly, was only one of the many problems the team faced in the Matt Doherty era. So it could go either way, and it's not like the roster is particularly thin this year, either; Roy's comments on the addition of Little to the team are just vague enough for me to both trust him and raise my eyebrows speculatively.

The one thing that nags at me, though, is the implication that this is being tested out so as to use the basketball team as a recruiting tool for Butch Davis; I'm all for having a football team that isn't an embarrassment, but not at the expense of Roy or the basketball team. Greg Little doesn't worry me, but the idea that this could be a common thing down the road does, a little.

"That's why Andy McPhail's a GM, and I'm not."

2007-12-12T13:59:00.000-05:00

The Orioles have finally pulled the trigger on something and traded Miguel Tejada to the Astros for five prospects. This is a considerably better return than the basket of dirty laundry I was willing to offer the Orioles (we here in the NC were then going to offer Tejada to the Marlins for Andrew Miller, who would look lovely on our couch, although probably not develop much as a pitcher while he was here), and it gives me hope in Andy McPhail.

I still don't want to see them trade Bedard, because I think that he and Jeremy Guthrie and Matt Wieters and Jake Arrieta are the kind of guys you can build a franchise on, but I also understand the need to sell high if we can get good young guys in return. I hope they work something out with the Cubs for Brian Roberts -- we could use a good, young, only-slightly-proven-but-got-a-lot-of-talent middle infield duo, hint hint, Theriot and Fontenot, if they unload Roberts -- and I hope they hang onto Bedard, but for the first time in almost ten years, I've got this feeling in my stomach about the Orioles, and it feels like hope.

Which is a good thing, because otherwise being a Baltimore sports fan is very hard right now.

"He's a tiger!"

2007-12-04T19:59:00.000-05:00

Right, time for a much less serious post. I have a Jack and Coke, I have an appalling game preview headline that included the phrase "pulsating Palestra" (if you're now as blind as I was reading my RSS feeds this morning, thank the Philly Inquirer), and I have Wayne Ellington's home game. I've heard the Palestra's a real tough place to play, and I'm looking forward to this game.

shep. has informed me that I'm not allowed to complain about how we blew a 20-point lead against Kentucky and only won by 9; this is hard for me, as Coach Smith taught me well to expect a team to play nose-to-the-grindstone defense until the very last minute, no matter who your opponent is or how much you lead (or trail) by. But I do want to commend the guards, especially Wayne Ellington and Danny Green, for really exceeding my expectations so far this year. The swarming defense on Tyler is something I expected -- there's really no other way to shut down a consensus Player-of-the-Year candidate who plays as hard as Tyler does -- but the stepping up of the guards in the face of that defense, that's something I'm impressed by.

So 45 seconds before tip-off, as we were watching Dick Vitale be a douche, our cable goes out. T. has very kindly allowed me to descend on her like a hungry Tyler Hansbrough on a stack of pizzas, and I am now catching up, which means there's no liveblog tonight, guys. So far, three minutes in, I am impressed by Penn, impressed by the Palestra, impressed by our defense, and impressed by Danny Green.

We are neutral on The Roy's tie (Official Tie Watch #8). (Also, from the weekend: Official Tie Watch #7: classy, Roy. We like that one.)

(I also made T. show me the half-time score; I'm more pleased by that than the last score I saw before I left the half. But I'm still not wild about the way we're playing so far, I don't think. I'll be back with a post-game analysis.)

Apparently Tyler Hansbrough wants to consume the basketball. Tyler, that is probably not very tasty, for the record.

Kentucky basketball has a player transferring mid-season, WHAT?

2007-12-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

On the way home from the Duke/Davidson game on Saturday, shep. and I got to talking about how hard it is, in a lot of ways, for young coaches in the NCAA men's basketball scene right now. There's no stability, it seems to me -- so much job-hopping so frequently, and the generation above the young generation getting ready to retire from long-time high-profile jobs. Jobs like Kentucky (where it takes balls of titanium to coach, and nobody but Pitino's really managed it since Rupp retired) and, eventually, Duke and Carolina and Kansas, where it takes a certain sort of person to really make it work, because the fan bases are just so demanding. (My mother says to tell you all that it is because her generation is full of people who demand instant gratification; blame it on the Boomers, she says.)

Despite all that, there are good young coaches who are going to survive to coach at major programs and thrive; A. and I made a list over IM on Sunday, because I have faith in John Pelphrey at Arkansas and Jeff Lebo at Auburn and Mark Turgeon at A&M, and she has faith in Jeff Capel at Oklahoma. Pat Knight won't be his dad but he'll get 20 solid years at Texas Tech, and Sean Sutton the same at Oklahoma State. Mark Few is just old enough -- and just crafty enough -- to have made Gonzaga a respectable national program without a fan base that needs championships every other year, and Dana Altmann was smart to bolt back for Creighton because I think Pelphrey's a better fit at Arkansas than he ever would have been. Oliver Purnell and his ugly orange coat will survive at Clemson, but it's looking like Paul Hewitt might not at Georgia Tech.

As many as there are who'll survive, there are others who aren't going to survive with the moves they've made; Jeff Czeblik should have stayed at Air Force and made them a true national power -- he could have. Steve Alford was right to get the hell out of Iowa, but New Mexico was a dumb-ass move.

And Mark Turgeon owes Billy Gillispie a fruit basket, because I truly, honestly believe that Gillispie will last no more than five years at Kentucky before he's run out on a rail. I'm saying that here and now: by 2012, Gillispie will be gone, and there's no real Rupp coaching tree to find that titanium-balled man (or woman, even) to take on that fan base. Pitino had the nuts to handle them, but he'd be stupid at best and suicidal at worst to leave Louisville to go back to UK. And I can't see anybody else out there who will be given the benefit of the doubt long enough to make the changes that program needs.

There's no good young coach who was bred to cope with the Kentucky fans, because right now it's all about taking the high profile jobs when they open up, regardless of whether or not there's qualifications. I survived the incredible pain and cruelty of the Doherty debacle at Carolina; I know what it looks like when someone gets caught in the cross-fire of fans that can't be controlled, because they expect to be the best, every year. When Gillispie goes, it won't be as personal, it won't be hurting family like they did at Carolina with Doherty, but it will be ugly, and it will be cruel, and it will be the end of his career.

Which is a fucking shame, if you ask me. He could have won titles if he'd stayed at A&M long enough; I think he's ruined his career taking this job.

And you know what? The Kentucky fans were awful enough that Tubby Smith, who is a great coach, left for Minnesota before they could fire him at UK. There's something rotting in the program at Kentucky, and I think it's the corpse of Adolph Rupp. Somebody with titanium balls should do something about that; nobody's going to.

Let me show you my enemy, TJ Yates.

2007-12-01T08:34:00.000-05:00

shep. is still at work, so it's up to me to post this news. Inside Carolina reports that surgery may be a possibility for TJ Yates in the off season:

North Carolina quarterback T.J. Yates received an MRI on his right shoulder Tuesday, which revealed "tissue trauma within the shoulder joint," according to a UNC official. Whether the injury will require surgery has yet to be decided. Yates set UNC's single-season passing yards record as a redshirt freshman in 2007.

"He'll continue to receive diagnostic treatments and evaluations from the UNC medical staff," Kevin Best, UNC's Director of Football Communications, told Inside Carolina. "A determination on whether surgery is necessary will be made following final exams."

Yates, a native of Marietta, Ga., played just two years of high school football -- and only one in a passing offense -- prior to coming to North Carolina. The injury has been diagnosed as being a result of "wear and tear" and is not the result of a single event.

Well, of course it's not a single event -- it was every single time he fell down this year. That's some damn "wear and tear" right there.

What I really want to know is: does this mean that we might have an even better chance of getting the little Paulus next year? Because that pleases me, whether or not he's sitting behind the Duke bench in Cameron cheering for his brother. Just because I think that the rivalry is bigger than family doesn't mean he does, after all. He's still gonna get punched, though.

A bulletin of no importance.

2007-12-01T00:06:00.000-05:00

Just FYI for those devoted readers looking forward to me liveblogging Carolina @ Kentucky in the afternoon on Saturday: shep. and I will be en-route home from Charlotte during the game, because a. and her family have very gracefully provided us with two tickets to Davidson/Duke, so we can check out the enemy in person, and possibly punch a Paulus or two, depending on how many are attending. Liveblogging will return to your regularly scheduled drunkenness for the game at Penn on Tuesday evening.

I can't promise to root for Duke tomorrow -- my father says I should, because it would be good for my karma, and given how many nice things we said about Billy Donovan last March, we do believe in karma here in the CH -- but I will do my best not to root too hard for Davidson, although Steph Curry is the best player I wish was on our roster this year. I shall try very hard to be an impartial observer, which is easier to do sober than drunk. I make no such promises for shep., which is for the best: if I promised she would root for Duke, she might punch me instead of a Paulus.

Be excellent to each other, feel free to text either of us while we're on the road home with score updates from the Carolina game if you've got the numbers, and remember: around here, we root for Carolina and whoever's making Matt Ryan look like a hack. Go Hokies.

"I swear Tyler wears makeup."

2007-11-28T21:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, look, I cannot lie: the most important thing about tonight's game is that there will be two teams wearing the Nike compression jersey uniforms on the court tonight.

Well, that, and, you know, a basketball game. But mostly compression jerseys.

Here's your live blog, if you want to talk about what's going on in the game. I promise to be slightly less completely off-my-face than I was Saturday night, plus probably fewer jokes about Mormons. But you never know. Especially about Mormon jokes.

Also worth mentioning before tip-off: I keep meaning to start a weekly point guard report, on all the top PGs in the country, except that after the departure of last year's NBA PG draft class, I don't know who any of them ARE, except for Carolina's three and Drew Neitzel, who I unkindly refer to as the neo-nazi, and Ish Smith at Wake Forest, who looked better when he added six inches to his height with his 'fro. So hopefully that will happen soon, but I'd have to do a lot of reading about it first, and we're driving to Charlotte to see the Duke/Davidson game over the weekend, and I'm not sure when I'll have time.

Carolina has three point guards. There. That's your point guard report for the week.

20:00, first half: And we lose the tip, but force a turnover. Gotta force turnovers to run. Good boys.

Last year Bobby Frasor lost his starting spot to Ty Lawson at the Ohio State game. Tonight he got it back.

19:10, first half: I try not to complain about officiating, especially this early, but Tyler gets eaten up and they call the foul on Deon? Bullshit. AND a foul on Ellington. Um. I'm not real pleased by this, I can't lie.

18:43, first half: Three fouls in a minute forty five? WHAT.

Also: Official Tie Watch #6: that is so ugly I think I'm blind, Roy. Wanda let you leave the house like that?

15:59, first half: That's good defense, Bobby. I still wish we defended the three pointer better, but honestly, after complaining about Carolina's three-point defense for almost -- no, actually ten years, since Arizona blew us out of the Final Four in '97, I don't know how you could defend the three pointer better. It's not good, but how does it get better? If The Roy can't make it happen, I sure as hell can't make it happen just by complaining about it.

15:07, first half: What the hell was that alley-oop shit, Bobby Frasor?

13:35, first half: Beautiful backdoor pass by Danny Green to Tyler, finally.

13:07, first half: DEFEND THE THREE POINTER, DAMN IT, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE A RAGE BLACKOUT.

12:59, first half: Hey, we brought the real QT instead of the pod QT. Awesome. And by awesome, I mean not at all.

8:16, first half: At this time out, I feel it is an appropriate time to tell you that I did, in fact, cry at Jimmy V's ESPY speech, and at his family and friends talking about him. I always will. It's been 14 years. I still cry. It's been five months since Skip Prosser passed away. I'll still cry in ten years, I'm sure.

7:51, first half: Seriously, Bobby, what was that?

shep.: Uh-oh. [The Roy's] glasses are off.

6:25, first half: We can't buy a gosh-darned shot, can we? (I'm trying to keep my language Roy-rated. I'm going to say "friggin'" a lot.)

5:31, first half: DICK VITALE HAS STOLEN OUR NICKNAME FOR WAYNE ELLINGTON, WHAT IS THAT. I started calling Wayne "The Duke" before the season even started last year! I demand royalties.

2:43, first half: "Well, if you don't pass it to [Tyler Hansbrough], he'll go get it himself." He's only 3-11 tonight, which is just -- I have no idea what to do with that. Baffling to me.

Halftime: Tyler's 4-13, and John Diebler can't miss. I have to go ... make another drink.

17:57, second half: God, we just look like we've forgotten how to play basketball entirely.

17:31, second half: Every time I see a guard go down, I think of Derrick Phelps going down in the ACC tournament finals in 1993, and I cringe. Wayne's a little banged up, but I think he's okay.

17:10, second half: Beautiful pass, Bobby. More like that.

Also: back injuries are scary. Scary, scary, scary.

16:44, second half: Ty's out. Wayne's out. Danny, step the heck up.

15:50, second half: It would not surprise me if we were the worst three-point shooting team in the country. Frig.

14:07, second half: Here are some things I am thinking about while trying to be zen about this game:

Why shep.'s cat is attempting to climb her door frame.
How odd it already looks to see last year's clips of Wayne Ellington wearing #2 instead of #22.
Wine.
Our three-point defense.
Derrick Phelps, one of the greatest defensive point guards Carolina's ever had.
My iTunes library.
Wine.
Wine.

12:47, second half: Bobby Frasor needs a three pointer in the worst way. shep.'s cat needs to stop trying to climb the door.

11:51, second half: The Roy Glasses On/Off Watch: OFF! I REPEAT, THE GLASSES ARE OFF! (The suit coat is still on.)

11:13, second half: ... I think Deon Thompson just passed to himself.

8:17, second half: The Duke may not have scored much tonight -- and Tyler hasn't either -- but they're both having defensive games of their lives, which counts for something. Tyler's shut Costas Koufas down.

6:28, second half: I am so writing Dick Vitale a letter demanding royalties for the nickname "The Duke". Seriously. I have been using that since Roy signed Wayne Ellington. Dick Vitale, you owe me! You owe me a lot! Enough that we don't have to have real jobs! We'd post more, then.

5:19, second half: Ten minutes without a field goal for tOSU. And we play bad defense?

4:30, second half: I take that statement about our defense back. I TAKE IT SO BACK.

3:18, second half: The Duke: bad ass new god. HECK YES.

1:55, second half: I would also like to note: I said earlier that Wayne Ellington has not had a good offensive game; this was a lie. I apologize for that. Wayne Ellington, you are amazing. Thank you.

Tyler just looks lost, though. I don't know about that. He's missed free throws, he never misses free throws.

Final: Carolina 66, tOSU 55. 6-0. That was ugly. But you know what? We'd have lost that last year. For the record.

I'm going to tattoo lines from this story on my mom's FOREHEAD, for future reference.

2007-11-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

From Sarah comes a Basketball Prospectus article about the Tar Heels and the influence of their high-octane offense on their oft-maligned defense. John Gasaway writes:

Here's how it will play out. North Carolina will win a lot of games. (A high-risk prediction, I know, but danger is my middle name.) Then they'll drop one, likely a high-scoring affair. The head-shaking and hand-wringing will then commence. The Tar Heels, it will be said from countless courtside tables during countless telecasts, are talented a nd can score points. But they will have to start playing defense if they want to get to the Final Four.

The only problem: the numbers will in fact show that Carolina plays very good defense. Bloggers will swarm onto the scene with confident alacrity, waving their spreadsheets excitedly to make the hey-wait-a-minute point. Tar Heel games, the bloggers will say, are fast-paced but in terms of points allowed per possession, Roy Williams' team actually plays excellent defense.

Lastly, as inevitable and certain as Tyler Hansbrough "creating contact," the bloggers will be faulted for their dim grasp of on-floor realities. Yo, Chauncey Lymph Node, did you see that game? The Heels play matador defense, period. No discipline. Players out of position. Forget your spreadsheets, there's just no "D" in "North Carolina."

Lather, rinse, repeat. It happens every year. Who's right?

Everybody. (Yay! What a feel-good story. It should really be on the Hallmark Channel.)

I think that Gasaway is right; frankly, the signature of Roy Williams' coaching style -- the blow-your-face-off run game -- relies on having a great-not-good defense. You can't run if you don't force turnovers in transition (you also end up running the wrong way if you have too many turnovers on offense, but I'm not sure that's a defensive problem; if it is, it's a bizarre offensive defense problem and I'm not sure that I have the vocabulary to discuss it, not to mention it's really neither here nor there). A running game like Roy prefers necessitates steals, traps, five second violations, flustered opponents -- and you can't have those things if you aren't playing defense.

So what I really got from this article is that for our offense to function, our defense has to function, which is fine by me. And the third sentence in that first paragraph I quoted, I think that's at the heart of things: a high-scoring affair, that's the one we'll lose. A high-scoring affair in which the Heels probably got to run to their little hearts' contents, because they played great defense and forced turnovers and pushed the ball. A high-scoring affair where the other offense just made more shots than the Heels did, and not because the Heels didn't play defense -- just because they didn't make shots.

High-scoring losses bother me, but not because I think the Heels don't play defense -- because I think our offense falters in the face of great defense, and that's got nothing to do with rebounders under the defensive glass at all.

Blink and you'll miss it, but our defense isn't the only place this team needs work, if we're going to end up in San Antonio. I've got faith and Gasaway does, too. So where's everybody else's? (The Roy's doesn't count. The Roy is not, actually, contractually obligated in believe in his team. The Roy is allowed to think they're all bozo defensive slackers if he wants to. Because he's The Roy.)

"he's in london with scott williams being gay."

2007-11-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

So we won the Victory Bell and I have been drunk since 12:30 PM and we're playing the Mormons. This is a live blog. Carry on.

18:10, first half: DEON THOMPSON PLEASE NEVER DRIBBLE AGAIN KTHX.

also:

a.: Marcus Ginyard should wear football pads sometimes.
shep.: Marcus Ginyard should wear nothing.

17:01, first half: Dear Mormons, STOP DOING THAT, Love, dex. & shep.

11:04, first half: It is entirely possible we're too drunk to live blog.

Also, shep. just said: I would totally tie the Paulus up. I leave it to you to decide WHICH PAULUS.

7:53, first half:

dex.: I think The Roy got a new suit for Vegas!
shep.: Wanda bought it for him!

You guys, I'm sorry: we're drunk. Very drunk. Somebody come tell us what happened to Ty Lawson.

7:20, first half:

a.: That is the face of somebody who is recently hungover. I know that face. I hang out with you guys enough.

4:41, first half:

dex.: Tell the Mormons to stop dunking!
potter: They don't listen to me, they only listen to God.

11:41, second half:

potter: Just for the record, I'm just saying -- [Tyler Hansbrough] had his face in a Mormon's crotch, I'd say he had a good game.

You guys. We are too drunk to live blog. We're comparing Mormons to shep.'s brother and talking about which Mormons we want to sleep with -- and. You know. I need to go lie down, okay?

The first of many, we hope.

2007-11-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to the Carolina field hockey team, who completed a perfect 24-0 season by winning the program's fifth national championship tonight. Way to go. May it be the first of many the university puts up this year.

The men's basketball team put up the first home victory of the year tonight, while Roy Williams wore a really ugly paisley tie and Tyler Hansbrough dropped 27 points on Iona, and the women's basketball team rolled to 5-0 despite losing point guard Alex Miller to a season-ending knee injury during yesterday's game against Coppin State. The women's soccer team continued to roll in the NCAA tournament, and shep. already covered the football game, thank God, because I'm not sure I could do so without a rage blackout.

That's the news from the pineapple couch here in the CH.

"I retired because of syphillis!"

2007-11-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

If I had known I'd be forced to watch Daughtry songvids before every TJ Yates sacks count post, I might have re-considered this whole endeavor. And yet, I'd probably miss the shining awesomeness that is the Georgia Tech football team dancing on their field, and many televised TJ Yates insults? Who'd want to miss out on that shit? Not me! Let's ride this ulcer-pony right to the end!

The Ramblin' Wreck, christ. This is your UNC at Georgia Tech live blog. Or it will be, once a) the game starts b) TJ Yates gets sacked c) I put some Jack Daniels in my coffee or d) all of the above. Dear readers, I think you know the order of things around here.

11:03, first quarter:
TJ Yates runs straight into three Tech guys whilst attempting a rush and falls to the ground! Look, I know it's not a sack; perhaps I should rename this to 'Running Documentation of Stupid Shit Perpetrated By TJ Yates, UNC Starting Quarterback'.

7:04, first quarter:

television announcer: He missed his junior year of football, thought he'd be a college basketball player!
dex.: STOP SAYING HE SHOULD BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FOR US, YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD IN MY HEART.
shep.: looooooooooooooooooooool.

For the record: we do not condone TJ playing basketball, although we would support the baby Paulus playing basketball for Carolina because it would be precious, precious like a baby deer. Also, we are secretly angry crazy twelve-year old boys.

14:15, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a pass to Hakeem Nicks and it is COMPLETED, it is CAUGHT WITHIN FIVE YARDS OF THE END ZONE. My heart, it is not beating.

12:50, second quarter:
Of course, we can do nothing with these nice things. Unsuccessful 2nd down, and then the ball is DROPPED IN THE END ZONE on the 3rd down. Follow this with an interception on the 4th down, also in the end zone, and you have rage blackouts on both the sidelines and our living room floor.

6:18, second quarter:
Let me set the stage for you: the Tar Heels' defense sacks the Tech QB, cutiepie Taylor Bennett, and recovers the fumble. There's a review on the call but it stands and Carolina keeps the ball. dex. and I scream and wave our hands around a lot. On the offense's first play back down the field, TJ misses the snap -- it bounces off his hands -- and Georgia Tech recovers that fumble. Everyone agrees we cannot have nice things. Butch Davis stands on the sidelines and mutters franticly into his headset. dex. and I start screaming again.

shep.: I think Butch is contemplating his own death.
dex.: Is he dictating his suicide note to the offensive coordinator up in the booth?

It's too late for us to start cheering for Georgia Tech, isn't it? Damnit. Colin Peek, call us, okay? Bring Taylor Bennett with you! We canonically love Tech athletes, if not the program itself.

9:51, third quarter:
I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE PLAY CLOCK BEFORE THE SNAP OCCURED AND CAUSE A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY? TJ Yates, put yourself on notice. Do it.

8:40, third quarter:
And then TJ Yates pulls out too fast. Seriously, that's what they just told us, on the television. Guys, if it's on tv it has to be true, right? He pulled his hands out too fast and missed the snap and man, how am I still sober.

7:26, third quarter:
a. shares with me "Just when Notre Dame thought this season couldn't get any worse, along comes Duke and the possibility of finding a new rock bottom" (courtesy of ESPN), and I decide reading about any matchup today that isn't QB ass/my foot is more worthy of my attention than TJ Yates.

4:17, third quarter:
TJ YATES SACKED BY GARY GUYTON. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I'm actually surprised you made me wait this long, TJ; in the beginning of the season, I'd barely have Firefox open before boypiles on your head occurred! If you were anyone else I'd be impressed, and yet we don't call this the TJ Yates sacks count for nothing.

14:52, fourth quarter:
PASS COMPLETION, YATES TO NICKS INTO THE ENDZONE FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, and then TJ fucks up the two-point conversion by making one of the worst passes I've ever seen, and guys, I'm always drunk whilst watching football. There is some swearing, both here and in Georgia, but at least here we have the option to flip over to the Duke/Notre Dame game. Sometimes you have to watch people who suck even more than you do before you start to feel better about life, okay.

14:20, fourth quarter:
Yates sacked again, praise Allah, by Gary Guyton! They look really cute piled on each other, you know? If Guyton sacks him one more time during this game, I think TJ is pretty much obligated to say yes when Gary asks him on a date later.

8:47, fourth quarter:
WHERE CAN I BUY A CONNOR BARTH-DESIGNED TSHIRT, HOLY CHRIST. I think our kicker wants to be Pete Wentz, and I'm not sure how I feel about this -- okay, that's a lie, I'm mostly really amused by it all. Also, TJ Yates holds Carolina's all-time passing record? Have I fallen into an alternate version of my own life?

5:50, fourth quarter:
Conner Barth kicks in the extra point after Anthony Elza falls into the end zone with the ball and I can't even focus on our one-point lead right now, not while Connor's on the field with that hair growth on his face. Man, we're not going to hold this lead for more than three minutes, I feel it in my drunken bones.

:18, fourth quarter:
Travis Bell, the Georgia Tech kicker, is on the field to attempt a ~~32-yard~~ 27-yard field goal and take back the lead, and Butch Davis is calling a timeout. Travis, I have to get this out before you break my heart: you are a hottie with a body, despite being only an even six feet tall, and you will always have a place next to me on the pineapple couch. BACK TO BACK TIMEOUTS, BUTCH, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. Attempting to ice a red-shirt senior just seems, well, retarded. Seriously, Travis, you can call me too, okay?

:02, fourth quarter:
63-yard field goal attempt -- Bell's kick was good -- and oh, sweet baby jesus, not even Connor Barth is going to make this bad boy happen. Final score, 25-27, Georgia Tech. Thank you, Tar Heels, for collectively showing up to this one! We're gonna watch Duke and Norte Dame suck like hoovers in each others' general direction now, but really, you guys played well today! You are still first in our hearts.

"Big Ten, it hurts me to have to look at your box scores, on principle."

2007-11-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

ESPN's many here-comes-the-basketballs commercials would like me to believe that in November, everybody in the nation is still 0-0 and has an equal chance of making the tournament in the spring, but frankly, by this point in November, half the nation's 0-1 and Miami has no hope of making the tournament anyway, so ESPN is lying to me.

But the Tar Heels are still 0-0, and that's what changes tonight. Yesterday my mother wanted to remind me of the awful slow-down game Davidson brought to the Dean Dome in the fall of 2001, but as that game was 2 coaches and 1 national championship (the Heels) and 2 secondary education degrees (me) ago, I'm trying not to think about it.

It's not that I don't like history, it's just that I try not to let it scare me. (Except in the case of Clemson's Chapel Hill losing streak; sometime they're gonna win here, dear readers, and that always scares me.) There are better things to be scared of this season, after all.

Like Roy Williams' ties.

... Wait, did we ever talk about my feelings on our preseason #1 ranking? I don't think we did. See, I have an intensely troubled -- probably too obsessive -- relationship with a preseason #1 ranking, I cannot lie. On the one hand, I get very upset whenever anyone doesn't vote for us, because clearly the Tar Heels are the best team in the nation. What do you mean, you voted for Memphis? Fie on you! GET OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM. But on the other hand, at the exact same time, I hate being preseason #1. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It puts a target on your back from day, and you know that in the ACC, nobody enjoys it more when they get to beat two teams at once: #1 in the nation, and Carolina. So preseason #1? Makes me furiously nervous, except when I'm busy being insulted that somebody didn't vote for us.

shep. just laughs at me a lot.

Anyway, welcome to the 2007-08 North Carolina Tar Heels basketball season. The Roy Williams Ugly Tie Report brought to you by my Jack Daniels and ginger ale. Everything else is courtesy WWTHD? and the pizza we had to buy ourselves, since y'all didn't come over.

We'll be back with the starting lineup and the liveblog just as soon as SportsCenter stops talking about A.Rod.

18:12, first half: The Official Roy Williams Tie Report, Digest #1: boring but inoffensive.

"There's not much communicating going on, but a lot of balls." Jay Bilas, don't make me come down there and tape your mouth shut.

17:07, first half: Two fouls, two missed shots, and a turnover, Ty Lawson. Congratulations, you're the first player in the 2007-08 regular season to go ON NOTICE.

14:28, first half: I cut people more slack during the preseason games, but miss two free throws in the first half in the regular season, and you go ON NOTICE, Alex Stepheson.

13:37, first half: BOBBY FRASOR, I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

13:10, first half:

Tyler Hansbrough: *misses the rim entirely shooting free throws*
dex.: Did he just ... ?
shep.: Yeah, by like six inches. That was.
dex.: Wow.

approx. 10:00, first half:

dex.: Curry just called your tall boyfriend a motherfucker.
shep.: My tall boyfriend kind of is a motherfucker.

9:52, first half: That's two fouls on QT and three on Ty, and we're going end up with Marc Campbell running the point.

It's too early in the season for a rage blackout, but I can't lie, I'm about to have one.

4:20, first half: MARCUS GINYARD, I SAW YOU FALL DOWN RIGHT THERE.

Practically Half-time: So. Tyler Hansbrough, double-double in the first half; The Duke, 6 for 7 from the field; Bobby Frasor, two big shots, including one 3. Those are my winners for the first half.

My losers? Ty Lawson. Ty Lawson Ty Lawson Ty Lawson I hope you Google your own name and find this, buddy. Suck it up, stop making stupid fouls, and play like we know you can, or I swear, I'm gonna come find you, and it won't be pretty.

17:07, second half: This is not an optimistic second half start, guys.

10:40, second half: You know, my preferred method of watching Carolina basketball -- lying prostrate on the living room floor with a pillow on my head -- is not conducive to live blogging.

8:19, second half:

dex.: I mean, even [Ty Lawson], who looks sort of like a fire hydrant, is hot.
shep.: LOL. Fire hydrant.

3:44, second half: One of the Davidson players just slapped his own teammate in the face, and it was kind of awesome, I cannot lie.

3:07, second half: "Curry misses ... EVERYTHING." Oh, Jay Bilas, how so delightfully wretched?

14.7 seconds, second half: "He has great eyes." In Jay Bilas's head, Tyler Hansbrough loves him. I'm sorry that's not true in real life, Jay. But maybe you and JJ could start a support group.

1.4 seconds, second half: The Roy, planning his rage blackout for 6 a.m. tomorrow morning.

0.2 seconds, second half: Danny Green, you were a bad ass new god most of the night, fouling out with 0.2 seconds left is NOT AWESOME.

Final score: Carolina 72, Davidson 68. There were many ways in which this game was not awesome at all. Hopefully when we go up against Iona on Sunday, we won't see any of those. UNC, 1-0, 0-0.

Thanks for coming back, basketball. I missed you.

Adam Rank sez: "But then again, would you want to show up if Greg Paulus was our starting point guard?"

2007-11-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

This story from ESPN reminds me of a great quote from The Roy last year, late in the season: "So we've got 17 guys that go between Einstein and Bozo the clown."

It's already a comedy of friggin' errors in Chapel Hill this year, as one can tell from injuries such as Mike Copeland concussing himself on a teammate's elbow:

North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough is ready for the top-ranked Tar Heels' opener against Davidson on Wednesday after injuring his thumb in an exhibition game last week ... But junior reserve Michael Copeland is unlikely to play after colliding with Alex Stepheson's elbow during Saturday's practice. He required five stitches above his left eye and suffered a slight concussion.

So we're the pre-season number one, but apparently we can't walk down the street without hurting ourselves. AWESOME, GUYS.

I suppose I can console myself with the realization that during our exhibition games, at least nobody got tangled in their own jersey and fell over at half court like Brandan Wright did last year. I guess that's a step up.

The Heels tip off the season tomorrow at 7 p.m. Eastern Time on ESPN, facing Davidson in Charlotte. Davidson's been getting votes in the AP poll but hasn't broken the top 25 yet, so it should be a good early test for the Heels. WWTHD? will be here with beer, Jack Daniels, and a live blog starting 30 minutes before tip (or whenever dex. gets up from her nap). If you bring pizza, we'll let you sit on our living floor and scream at the TV with us. No mushrooms or green peppers.

The Chargers are on my TV wearing a shade of blue we here at WWTHD? like a lot.

2007-11-11T21:14:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure that there's much value in in-depth evaluation of Carolina's exhibition game against Lenoir-Rhyne on Friday night, except to note that Quentin Thomas, Bobby Frasor, and Danny Green all played exceptionally well, but I feel that one particular moment of the second half is well worth documenting.

I am, you see, the sort of girl sports blogger who gets very upset when referees fail to call moving screens on Carolina's opponents, and I am also the sort of girl sports blogger who has no problem standing up in the Dean Dome and shouting, "THAT WAS A MOVING SCREEN, YOU BLIND DIPSHIT!" Friday night, there was a very nice dude sitting in front of us who turned around and said to me, "That totally was, I saw that, too," and I felt vindicated. I learned basketball at the knee of ... well, the television, but the television showing Dean Smith. I know a moving screen when I see one, and the refs failed to call it, and my basketball soulmate left without giving me his phone number.

That's probably okay, though. I think he was about 16 years old.

"fresh from the tailgate party!"

2007-11-10T12:02:00.000-05:00

Clearly Allah loves me after all: the Tivo told us all week we wouldn't get the UNC at NC State game and I was sad, but then we were distracted by concerts and dates with dudes and exhibition basketball games, and I mostly forgot about it. However, once again the combined powers of Jack Daniels and Joe Pa have brought me fantastic items, in the form of the 97th matchup between the Heels and the Wolfpack on the gridiron, and I can live to see another day.

Until I remember UNC men's basketball tickets have been on sale for less than twenty-four hours and are sold out after January 1st across the board. When that comes back to me, you'll find me lying in traffic on Franklin Street, but for now I'll work on yet another TJ Yates sack count.

14:11, 1st quarter:
As they sing Yates' throwing game praises (in my opinion, not so awesome), he throws the ball for the first time in the game and it is intercepted. You know, Butch, if you're not using the little Paulus, I'd like to borrow him for a few hours? I can sit here and scream and cry, and he can fetch me cool washclothes and Excedrin and stronger Jack and Cokes.

3:13, 1st quarter:
blogger's note: dex. and I have talked about the Heels' chances in this game all week and right now, after watching our defensive line bend over for the Pack during an 88-yard drive, I have to say, no, no. I do not feel optimistic about this game, I do not believe we are going to a bowl this year. I do believe my drink cup is currently empty, though; that might have a bit to do with my feelings of ennui. Just a little.

:38, 1st quarter:
After throwing a 40+ yard pass to Nicks in the corner of the endzone, a pass that did not end with a touchdown because Hakeem Nicks, wide receiver of our hearts, tripped over a sideline cone and dropped the goddamn football, TJ Yates threw the ball past a receiver by approximately three feet, straight out of bounds. Butch, we're considering sending you a zen sand garden for Yule, but I'm afraid you'll take the rocks out of it and chuck them at TJ's head, and surely the NCAA would frown upon that sort of thing?

9:50, 2nd quarter:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. CHARLES BROWN INTERCEPTED A STATE PASS AND RAN 92 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. ARE WE ACTUALLY IN THIS GAME NOW? IS SOMEONE PLAYING A TRICK ON ME? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

1:46, 2nd quarter:
"FIRST SACK OF THE DAY ON TJ YATES. THERE WAS SOME MAN-ON-MAN ..."

Seriously, I don't even know how to deal with this. According to people who are paid to talk about this shit on television, this is the 24th sack against UNC this season; this one completed by #92, DeMario Pressley.

:19, 2nd quarter:
SACKED AGAIN. TJ YATES, YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR FATHER. NC State's Willie Young, however, "went in with bad intentions." Good for you, Mr. Young! I have bad intentions against TJ Yates every day.

8:05, 3rd quarter:
TJ Yates, short shuttle pass to Bobby Rome, 40 yard pass to Brandon Tate for the touchdown. THANK YOU, TJ, FOR PLAYING TO YOUR STRENGTHS. Or to the state of my cardiac health, whatever; it's like you know I start to hyperventilate when you cock your arm back!

9:40, 4th quarter:
I've been trying to pretend the game isn't actually playing in front of me -- TJ hasn't been sacked again, but he hasn't done anything awesome, either, and neither has the rest of the team -- but Kendric Burney, redshirt freshman cornerback and MEMBER OF THE CAROLINA BASEBALL TEAM, intercepted the ball around Carolina's 25 yard line and returned the ball 76 yards back up the field for a touchdown. I'm not going to talk about the current score, because I'll fucking jinx it, more than I have by mentioning it at all. However.

dex.: I like to think somewhere, the Carolina baseball team is watching this game. Because Kendric is playing? And right now they're all flailing their arms, and somebody just dumped a beer on Fedex.
shep.: *chokes on Jack and Coke*
dex.: That's how it's happening in my head, at least.

:06, 4th quarter:
We're in the midst of the best drive I've seen this team commit to all year, they're saying things like 'this is where heroes are made', and TJ throws back-to-back incomplete passes. IS HAKEEM NICKS HURT? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.

:01, 4th quarter:
One second left in the game and the touchdown pass to Nicks in the endzone is intercepted by Jimmie Sutton III. You know, and I wonder why people are convinced I have a drinking problem; thank you, THANK YOU TJ YATES. Final score, 27-31, State.

Before I wrote this post, I had to lie down and breathe deeply.

2007-11-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

It's no state secret that I loathe Tom Glavine, in large part because he "wrote" an autobiography called None But The Braves and then left Atlanta for more money (and there's some 1994 player's strike NL rep rage, too), and now that the Atlanta Journal-Constituion is reporting that Atlanta wants Glavine back, I don't even know what to say.

I think that Tom Glavine is a great pitcher, and I will also never forgive him for leaving Atlanta when he was poised to become one of the greatest franchise players of an era when there are not many franchise players left, and especially not many of Glavine's caliber. If the Braves take him back, I may just ... hate him even more, I guess. There's not anything I can do if the Braves want to go groveling back to Glavine, and I think that's what makes me the angriest.

Final score: 114-62, Carolina.

2007-11-03T23:19:00.000-04:00

Early in the second half of the Carolina/Shaw exhibition game at the Dean Dome tonight, THE ROY pulled his patented I-am-very-upset-with-you-but-in-a-passive-aggressive-Southern-way five for five substitution, bringing his starting five -- Ty Lawson, Tyler Hansbrough, Alex Stepheson, Wayne Ellington and Marcus Ginyard -- out for the next five. Thirty seconds later, he pulled that five -- Bobby Frasor, Quentin Thomas, Danny Green, Deon Thompson, and Will Graves -- for the last five on his bench.

Those five were Mike Copeland, a junior who's averaged less than 5 minutes per game the last two years, and four reasonably short, skinny white dudes who, some as recently as last year, played on Carolina's JV team.

Copeland And The White Dudes not only held the lead, they extended it, and when they came out for the original starting five, they got a standing ovation.

The Heels are also finally rockin' the Nike compression jersey uniforms that tOSU and Oregon and Syracuse rocked in the tournaments last year, and as girl bloggers, we feel it is well within our rights to comment on the fact that these uniforms are really damn sexy. Bobby Frasor and Surry Wood in particular rocked them well. Ty Lawson still needs to pull up his damn pants.

It's not like we can judge this team in a game against Shaw -- but I've got this feeling it's going to be a pretty fun year.

Save As: tjyatesisaweenie.jpg

2007-11-03T12:58:00.001-04:00

Because Carolina/Maryland is on ESPNU today and Time Warner cable hates WWTHD? and does not want us to have ~~nice things~~ TJ Yates falling down, there will be no live blog of TJ going down like a dude who's just taken a shot to the nuts. Instead, have a hilarious picture of TJ, courtesy of A.

shep. says: That's how I feel when I watch Carolina games ... desolate and like dudes are running away from me after having tossed me down and kicked my ass.

That's all we've got today, folks, except for a bottle of Jack, a frozen pizza, Joe Pa on the TV and an exhibition game to go to. Hopefully we'll be back later with a joint preview of the basketball season, but we may just come home, get drunk, and watch FSU/BC on the TiVo, too.

I am not a Tom Izzo fan regardless.

2007-11-03T10:58:00.001-04:00

I really don't even know what to make of D2 Grand Valley State upsetting #8 Michigan State [ESPN] in an exhibition game last night. I mean -- what do you say to that? Can the AP take their ranking back? Should WWTHD? be a little more worried about the Tar Heels' exhibition game against Shaw tonight? Why can't we even get a good joke out of this upset, like we did when App State beat the Michigan football team in the Big House?

(Q: How many batteries does it take to shock Michigan? A: ... 1AA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that still kills me.)

I don't even know, guys. If this basketball season is as crazy as this football season has been, I might be dead before we get to San Antonio in April.

"Corso just called Rece sweetheart."

2007-10-27T11:52:00.000-04:00

shep.'s moving furniture today, so I'm on TJ Yates Sacks Duty. Last weekend, when both Duke and Carolina had off days, A. pointed out that it was a great day, because we couldn't lose! Nobody could be sacked! To which I responded that I felt somebody in Chapel Hill was likely to see TJ Yates walking down Franklin Street in the afternoon on Saturday and be overcome with rage and just sack him, right there on the street. Because that's how TJ Yates rolls, guys, and that's how he forces the rest of us to roll, too.

So I'm here and I have Burger King and also Jack Daniels in my Dr. Pepper, and if TJ Yates loves me, he won't fall down too much, because I just don't think I can stand it if he does.

Pre-Game:

... Lincoln Financial announcers, TJ Yates has not been great under center this year! HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE SAME TEAM WE HAVE? ARE YOU IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I'M MARRIED TO A ROCK STAR? HOW DO I GET TO THAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, OMG?

14:44, first quarter:

First snap of the game, after a great 30-yard return by B.Tate, TJ Yates throws an interception. I go put more Jack Daniels in my drink.

13:05, first quarter:

So I'm TiVoing the WFU/UNC game, so as to be able to see easily who sacks TJ, but I've got W(F)VU/Rutgers on the other band because it's West Fucking Virginia, and, okay, Ray Rice? Is sort of a midget. I don't know, I guess I thought a fearsome rusher like Rice would be taller.

Also, TJ got this pass off -- to his own receiver, this time -- before he was taken down at the waist. Oh, TJ. I know you miss shep., but I love you, too!

Wake Forest has a player named Boo. That's pretty awesome, no lie.

10:54, first quarter:

Chantz McClinic sacks TJ on third-and-five for a ten yard loss. The Tar Heels continue to appall me. Butch Davis looks for antacids on the sidelines.

Also, Chantz McClinic: great football name or greatest football name?

8:29, first quarter:

Since TJ's been on the field for approximately a minute and a half today, I'm going to just start sharing my drunken feelings with y'all, and my number one drunken feeling is that I'm simultaneously appalled and hilariously amused at the -- hey, Carolina sacked somebody! Awesome -- line of college football announcer jargon written on a Post-It on our coffee table, leftover from VT/BC Thursday: "flush him out with inside penetration". Okay, college football announcers: I don't care if there's actually real live butt sex going on at the O-line, please, never say this again.

... You could show me the butt sex, though, if that happened.

Butch, I have a lot of Jack Daniels. You should come over. You look like you need it.

0:38, first quarter:

TJ, did you just accidentally run for a first down? I THINK YOU DID. I love it when you do things and then come up from the bottom of the pile and look sort of surprised that you were successful.

14:48, second quarter:

Connor Barth, you are the only reason I haven't beaten TJ Yates down yet this season. I'm just sayin'. Carolina on the board, 3-10, aaaaaaand, while I'm typing this, Wake returns the kickoff for a touchdown. 17-3, Wake Forest. I need more Jack.

13:26, second quarter:

FOUR FALSE START PENALTIES. SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GONNA ROLL, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TJ.

12:26, second quarter:

TJ, when you fall down, it's almost as bad as when you get sacked.

8:11, second quarter:

TJ Yates was a shooting guard in high school? That so totally explains why he ... was just sacked by a dude named Boo. Boo Robinson. Oh, TJ.

1:53, second quarter:

Stanley Arnoux sacks TJ Yates after TJ pump-fakes one too many times. I got nothin', people. I. The jokes, I can't even write 'em, because they're already there.

Oh, my God, it's only half-time? If I die of alcohol poisoning before the end of this game, tell TJ Yates I hated him, and tell my mother I loved her.

11:33, third quarter:

Somebody call 911, I think Butch Davis just had a stroke. Or a rage blackout. Possibly both, at the same time. Frankly, I don't blame him.

10:11, third quarter:

... holy shit, DID WE CAUSE A TURNOVER? AND RECOVER? AND KEEP IT? Bless you, Durrell Mapp, bless you. And of course it's reviewed. Because I can't have nice things. And I'm out of Dr. Pepper. And after review: THIS WASN'T THE KIND OF LUBELESS BUTT SEX I MEANT, ACC OFFICIATING CREW, JESUS CHRIST.

1:20, third quarter:

Guys, I really want to go take a nap, but TJ might get sacked about 14 times in the fourth quarter, so I can't. But I really want to. This game makes me sad. Except for Wake Forest kicker Sam Swank, who trumps Chantz McClinic for greatest football name ever. Sam Swank, I know I'm not supposed to love you, but your name is pretty awesome.

Carolina football makes me so sad.

End of the third quarter:

TJ completes two straight passes to end the third quarter and I start looking for my alternate universe rock star husband; fourth quarter starts and TJ sacks himself on one of his own backs and I go back to drinking my beer alone without love from rock stars.

14:04, fourth quarter:

TD, YATES TO ROME! I'd like to send TJ Yates to Rome. He couldn't throw interceptions or sack himself on Hakeem Nicks's elbow if he was in Rome.

13:46, fourth quarter:

Wake Forest TD. I really should have taken that nap. 30-10, WFU.

11:00, fourth quarter:

TJ Yates tosses another interception to Aaron Curry, who returns it 77 yards for a touchdown. I start drinking the banana liqueur in the kitchen.

9:56, fourth quarter:

DOWN GOES YATES. THIS DUDE WHO SACKED YOU IS NAMED BOO, TJ, YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A QB. BRING ME MIKE PAULUS. AND ANOTHER BEER.

8:50, fourth quarter:

TJ YATES IS OUR QB BECAUSE HE WASN'T RECRUITED BY A MAJOR D1 SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL, JESUS CHRIST.

3:10, fourth quarter:

Look, I just need to make this point: Wes Miller was approximately 4 feet tall, but a good enough basketball player to earn a scholarship on Roy Williams' team, and start considerable minutes his junior year. TJ Yates is such a bad basketball player that he can't play for The Roy, but we made him our QB instead. How. How is this earth logic, Butch? I know I'm drunk, but I just can't process the news of this. TJ Yates got recruited for football because he was too bad at basketball.

Bring me the little Paulus, Butch. Please.

Final score: Wake Forest 37, Carolina 10. TJ Yates threw two interceptions, was sacked by Wake four times, and sacked himself at least twice. Is it basketball yet?

"Deron Washington should buy some orange tights."

2007-10-26T13:04:00.000-04:00

I seem to be the only person in the blogosphere who read the news about Billy Donovan's bad back affecting his ability to coach [FanHouse] and immediately thought of Duke and the 1995 season. Granted, Duke probably wouldn't have been as big a disaster if they had had Coach K on the sidelines, but it strikes me as an oddly convenient excuse for a Florida team that's defending two national titles but isn't expected to be particularly good.

I'm not blaming Coach K for what happened to Duke that year -- though I think he deserves some of the blame, and it shouldn't all fall on Pete Gaudet, in terms of record or otherwise -- and I wouldn't necessarily blame Donovan for anything and everything that happens to Florida while he's not on the sidelines, if that comes down. I just couldn't help but see the similarities, ten years apart, is all.

I might be the only one in the blogosphere, but I'm not the only one in the world -- I talked to my Dad last night, and I said, "Hey, Dad, I read today that Billy Donovan's having back problems that might keep him from coaching some this season," and before I could even ask him what it reminded him of, he said, "Ah, shades of Durham, 1995 in Gainesville this year, huh?"

My dad is pretty awesome, it's true.

Unrelatedly: it's pretty well-known fact amongst my real life sports-watching compatriots that I hate the new ACC; I resent the loss of the double round robin in basketball season viciously and I can't quite summon up the energy to give a shit about the football championship game, but even more than I hate the new ACC, I hate Boston College. That's an old hate. That's a hate that goes back to 1994, when they upset Carolina in the tournament, because the basketball team was thugs then and are mostly thugs now, though Al Skinner's tamed them a little bit. The point is: I hate BC, BC sucks, and last night I rooted desperately for Virginia Tech, despite my loathing for the new ACC, because I hate BC even more, and VT shit the bed in the last four minutes and I'm done with that, with them, with the new fucking ACC, throw 'em out, return them to the Big East for a full refund, and get rid of Florida State, too, while you're at it, and give me back my beautiful double round robin and three day conference tournament.

And BC still sucks, even if they escaped the bullet [Every Day Should Be Saturday] last night.

This is our only comment on the Thursday Night Football game:

2007-10-25T20:15:00.001-04:00

shep.: Do not EVER say Doug Flutie's nephew again! EVER! No!
dex.: That means someone related to Doug Flutie had sex once.
shep.: Ew. There is a baby Flutie, playing for Boston College. THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME.

Is it basketball yet?

2007-10-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

Every year, I put together my own pre-season ACC final standings; last year, I picked Virginia to finish third amongst much pointing and laughing, and then they tied Carolina for 1st. So sometimes I'm smarter than the experts. But probably not this year -- aside from Carolina, I really don't know what to make of this year's ACC. This is all a wild shot in the dark.

1. Carolina. What? We return three starters, including the near-consensus pre-season National Player of the Year, 5 bench players who got solid minutes last year, and Quentin Thomas. The outside shooting remains a question -- the Duke had the best percentage on the team last year but he often faded when he should have shone -- but I'm excited to see what Deon and Tyler can do inside (I think Deon's style of play is more suited to Tyler's than Brandan's was) and I'm 100% on board the Ty Lawson train.

2. NC State. Only question mark is at point guard. They find somebody to fill Atsur's shoes, they could win the ACC this year instead of just playing season spoiler.

3. Clemson. Oliver Purnell is coming for the big guns in the ACC, and this might be the year he shows everybody else who's boss. The talent's there, but can they hold up in ACC season? Last year's 17-0 start, followed by their grand collapse in conference, is on lots of people's minds.

4. Duke. Most pre-season guides pick them higher. DeMarcus is hurt, Brian Zoubek is hurt, Greg Paulus is a weenie, and the freshman class is great on paper -- but so was last year's Duke freshman class, and we all know how that ended. Also, I always pick Duke low, because I am a bitch like that. A. loves me anyway.

5. Virginia. Again, I say what? Sean Singletary is on a mission from God.

6. Maryland. This Maryland team baffles me. I really don't know where to put them -- could be higher, could be a complete collapse and a whole hell of a lot lower.

7. Georgia Tech. Paul Hewitt is lucky: he has an AD who believes in him, and is willing to be patient. A smart, talented young team that beat Carolina last year. Like Maryland, could go up or down a couple of spots.

8. Virginia Tech. Deron Washington's tights will only take you so far.

9. Boston College. The talent's there, but they lost all their heart to the draft and counterfeiting schemes, and I love Tyrese Rice as much as the next Boston College hater, but, friends, I knew Jared Dudley (to hate on), and Ty Rice is no Jared Dudley.

10. Florida State. What the fuck ever. Who cares about Florida State? Anybody? Yeah, me neither. I keep forgetting that Pat Kennedy doesn't coach them anymore, and he's been gone for ten years! (Huh. Wikipedia tells me that Mr. Kennedy is now coaching at the university of my hometown, the grand old Towson University of the CAA. That's a step down, Mr. Kennedy.)

11. Wake Forest. A team that's been reeling for the last two years doesn't add much talent and loses its coach in the off-season. Dino Gaudio has his work cut out for him, and this Wake team is young and probably freaked as all shit right now. Next year, maybe, but this year it's another bad year for the Deacs.

12. Miami. Poor Miami. Why did you guys want to be in the ACC, again?

Book Review! A Civil War, John Feinstein

2007-10-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

I have a life goal, dear readers. It's not a very realistic life goal, but it's a life goal all the same: some day I'd love to read a book by John Feinstein -- on any subject! I will read the fucking golf books if I have to! -- in which he does not suck Coach K's dick in print. I thought A Civil War was it; I was in the 90s, page number wise, and I hadn't seen a single mention of Ol' Rat Face, and I was starting to relax, and then boom! I turned the page, and there, right on page 98, was three whole paragraphs about The Man Himself. Way to not show your bias, John Feinstein. Two thumbs up.

Despite that, and despite the fact that it took me six weeks to read this book, it was an enjoyable book. Feinstein has a knack for finding the most interesting people stories and building his books around them, and he didn't fail in this one -- the cadets and mids he chose to follow were real people to me by the end of the first chapter, and I followed the exploits of both teams with great interest.

Particularly interesting to me was the time Feinstein spends talking about how different it is for athletes at the military academies, than at normal straight-up Division 1 schools. A fact little known by the internet is that I worked in collegiate recruiting for three years, on the private sector end of things, and that job left me with a real clear picture of both the recruiting process and the realities of student athletes on all levels, not just Division 1, and Feinstein just corroborates what I was pretty sure I already knew: recruiting a good team to compete at D1 at a military academy is one of the hardest jobs in the country. Harder than recruiting D2, even, because if you're a D2 coach and you're lucky, you're working with a private firm to connect with athletes, and the athletes are educated and they know point-blank they're not good enough to even play at a minor D1 school. D2 gets you an education that's paid for, and you might not get to play on TV but you get to keep playing for another four years, and that's all that matters to a lot of kids.

But the military academies -- you might be on TV, you get to play big-name schools, but you're still at a military academy and that's still harder than anything that goes on at a low D1 or D2 or D3 school. Feinstein doesn't sugar coat it, and the thread of difficulty running through the book really made it work for me at an even higher level. I felt for these kids, I felt for these coaches, and by the time that Feinstein got to the actual Army/Navy (listed alphabetically, though apparently Navy always says Navy/Army) game, I was genuinely heartbroken that both teams couldn't manage to win it. Feinstein pulls out all the stops in telling the story of that game, and combined with all the struggles earlier in the book and the genuine difficulty that comes with recruiting and/or playing for a military academy, I will freely admit it: I cried at the end of this book.

It's a good read; it might very well be Feinstein's best book, though I will admit bias because his backhanded portrayal of Dean Smith in A March To Madness always pisses me off, and it's been years since I read A Season On The Brink. I certainly enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than I liked The Last Amateurs. Worth a read, especially if you're interested in the technical side of collegiate recruiting. (Actually, speaking of, is there anyone in our six readers who would like to hear about my three years in recruiting? Is there anyone who hasn't already heard about Tom Izzo pouring white wine on me?)

And if you're a big girl, like me, pack tissues. It's a weeper.

Exploits at the liquor store on a Saturday morning.

2007-10-20T11:33:00.001-04:00

UNRELATED TO THE BOOK REVIEW: I went to the liquor store this morning, like one does -- here in the NC, you can buy hard liquor only in state-run ABC stores, but you can buy beer and wine anywhere, so shep. brought beer home from work -- and the place was packed. I guess that's what happens when the Tar Heels are off and the big game in the state is NCSU/ECU. Regardless, the cheerful dude behind the counter was asking everybody what games they were watching today as he rang up their liquor.

I told him, "Well, since the universe saw fit to deny us the Tennessee/Bama game, Oklahoma at Iowa State, State at ECU, Virginia at Maryland, and maybe Florida at Kentucky if we feel like flipping channels."

He grinned at me, and the three completely adorable barely-21-year-old dudes standing behind me, buying a truly ridiculous amount of Jim Beam and flavored vodka, sort of looked at me like they wanted to follow me home. Considering that I haven't showered yet today, those looks made me feel like a million bucks.

Dudes who were behind me at the ABC on the far edge of Carrboro, come over! Bring your Jim Beam!

In their defense, Yankees fans just get drunk at the Yard. They pee in the bathrooms like normal people.

2007-10-18T07:08:00.000-04:00

Having been harassed in my home stadium -- as one of the few, the embarrassed, the pathetic, the Native Orioles Fan -- by fans of the visiting team (pre-2004 World Series, even! You stay classy, Red Sox Nation. And quit fucking peeing in our concourses when you come to visit!), the story of the Ladies ... being harassed and abused by fans in Cleveland doesn't surprise me. Saddens me, pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me.

Does guarantee that I'm done with rooting for Cleveland for the year, though, regardless of my love for fat starting pitchers who don't look like they should be able to walk to the mound, much less throw complete games. Rockies bandwagon, here I come. (Actual conversation had with my mother this week:

Mom: I'm rooting for Colorado! They're all so young and cute!
dex.: You have looked at Todd Helton, right, Mom?
Mom: Who?
dex.: *audible facepalm*
Mom: What? What? I saw them on TV, they're all cute! I promise!

My mom, ladies and gentlemen. My mom. She's on the same bandwagon as Wanda Williams, the woman responsible for the fact that, talent or not, Roy is responsible for having one of the prettiest teams in college basketball every year, I'm sure of it.)

We're not dead, we're just still avoiding baseball. The Tar Heels are off this week -- thank God, because concussion + Brandon Tate = more trouble for TJ Yates than usual -- so there'll be no Sacks Blog on Saturday, but hopefully dex. will finish a book sooner rather than later and give you reviews of John Feinstein's A Civil War (now with more irrelevant Coach K!) or Bissinger's Three Nights In August in some sort of timely fashion. A Civil War has to go back to the library next week anyway, so I better finish it.

"I'm gonna make a post that's going to make A. cry."

2007-10-13T16:26:00.000-04:00

TOP FIVE MOST AMAZING THINGS WITNESSED BY WWTHD? AT THE DUKE/VATECH FOOTBALL GAME TODAY:

The Duke player who cold-cocked himself on the referee, after play had stopped. The referee didn't budge.
The time where Duke, punting on a fourth down from their own 4, had their punt blocked and the Hokies ended up with the ball on the Duke 2 with a first down. VaTech ... scored.
The time where Duke finally had a good kick off return, right to midfield, and then they fumbled the ball and VaTech recovered. Later in that series, VaTech scored.
The muffed kick-off reception that bounced off a Duke player's pads straight into VaTech's hands. Later in that series, VaTech scored.
The time Duke finally caught an interception, and then, three downs later, turned around and threw an interception. Later after that interception, VaTech scored.

Honorable mention: The tiny baby Duke fan wearing a cape with a hood and BLUE DEVIL HORNS on it. And the Duke Marching Band playing Fall Out Boy's "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs" at half-time.

WWTHD? would like to salute our dear friend A., the only Duke fan allowed in our house, for buying our tickets and putting up with us making fun of the ineptitude of the Duke football team all game. A. is seriously good people, and she even took photos of the Duke third-string quarterback's butt for us.

In other news, dex. neglected to program the Carolina/SOUTH Carolina game into the TiVo before we left for the Duke/VaTech game this morning -- in her defense, she did a shot of Jack Daniels at 9:45 a.m., so -- which means the TJ Yates Sacks Live Blog will be late (if, you know, it happens at all, we're sort of drunk and blearly already) today, and will not include the times in the first quarter that TJ fell down over his own feet.

"We say Nittany! You say Lions!"

2007-10-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

Both my maternal grandparents went to Penn State; this probably means that I should have been raised a Penn State football fan but, see, I grew up in Baltimore and when I was 4 the Colts packed up in the middle of the night and moved to Indianapolis and broke my beloved city's heart -- a heartbreak that even a Ravens Super Bowl cannot quell, I might add; I still know grown men who spit over their shoulders when they see a Mayflower moving van and the only reason I don't is because nice Southern girls don't do that (even if they drink Jack Daniels and say fuck in public) -- so I grew up without football, mostly. The first year my parents were married Carolina lost the national basketball title to Marquette and my father, who married into the Tar Heel family, had his heart broken by the Tar Heels for the first time and became a die-hard fan.

So my younger sister and I were raised Tar Heel basketball fans and Baltimore Orioles fans and football was pretty tertiary to those; it wasn't until Paul Tagliabue denied Baltimore an expansion team that football came into my world view, really. The stories I remember growing up, for example, include my mom saying, "I had a history class with George Karl in college. He never showed up. The guy who took his tests for him didn't show up much either."

But my grandparents had this stuffed Nittany Lion when I was a kid and all the grandchildren, even those of us who didn't grow up to be sportsbloggers like myself, we all adored this stupid thing. When you squeezed its stomach, it said, "YOU SAY JOE PA, I SAY TERNO, JOE PA! TERNO! JOE PA! TERNO" and "YOU SAY NITTANY, I SAY LIONS, NITTANY! LIONS! NITTANY! LIONS!", and it was sort of the funniest thing ever when I was 10 years old. At the end of its lifetime -- because no one in the family knows what happened to it after my grandmother passed away in 2000; if anyone did, it would live in shep.'s and my living room and be a drunken party joke for certain -- it sort of slowed down a little, and shouted for JOE PA in a record played at low speed kind of voice, which was EVEN MORE hysterical mostly because half the grandchildren were of drinking age and family gatherings involved drinking a lot of beer and playing euchre at that point.

My point being: the second weekend of football season, when shep. and I discovered our love/hate relationship with TJ Yates while drinking Bud Lite at Four Corners, there was a really drunk guy in a Penn State jersey watching the PSU/ND game at the table two over from us, and I suddenly remembered the Nittany Lion of my childhood. I told shep. about it, and then I said, "If we post about college football, our tag should totally be 'you say joe pa'."

Because we'd drunk too much Bud Lite at that point, shep. snickered and agreed. And that's why our college football tag is what it is: a tribute to my late grandparents, and to the tiny gnome that is Joe Pa. I love seeing him on the sidelines -- he grabs his players by the helmets and mumbles at them and they go out and pretend they know what he's said, and, you know, he's still a pretty good coach, even if he doesn't really speak English anymore.

You say Joe Pa.

We here at WWTHD? say Terno.

Go Nittany Lions.

(It should be noted: our loyalties, here at WWTHD?, cover the Tar Heels, the Terps when they're not playing the Tar Heels, whoever beats Duke, Joe Paterno but not usually Penn State, the Orioles, the Yankees, the Cubs, the Cardinals, the Padres, the Ravens, the Chargers, anyone who beats the Colts, and Rex Grossman getting sacked. I've probably missed a few, too; we're a multi-talented fanbase.)

the best thing I've heard all weekend.

2007-10-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

dex.: The good news is, you survived to see another day.
shep.: I know, John Madden just told me.
dex.: The bad news is Roger Clemens is done forever.
shep.: ... wait, what'd you just say?
dex.: I had that backwards, didn't I? The bad news is you might face CC Sabathia again; the good news is the tub of lard and roids is done forever.
shep.: SO LONG, BITCH TITS.

To recap: the Heels won, the Chargers won, the Ravens won and Roger Clemens will probably never pitch in my stadium, in that wretched, beloved old ballpark in New York City where my heart lies, ever again. And Duke lost yesterday, and I got to chase drunk Red Sox fans out of World Beer Fest last night! Not too shabby, kids.

"The Ravens have scored three field goals."

2007-10-07T18:41:00.001-04:00

Things That Are Hard About Being a Baltimore Ravens Fan, A List By dex., age 27 and 1/2:

Being a Ravens fan.

That's pretty much it.

"what kind of breakfast food does one eat with a pumpkin beer?"

2007-10-06T12:05:00.000-04:00

This evening, dex. and I are volunteering in Durham for World Beer Festival: partially for the exposure to hundreds of new beers, and partially because the fest sold out in a matter of days and we missed the ticket window, but mostly for access to the all-you-can drink volunteer after-party next week, where the volunteers get free food and all the leftover booze we can handle. It's not a bad life, okay? I'm pretty good with it.

I can't lie, we're also getting the hell out of the house so we don't end up sitting here, watching baseball and crying into our pineapple-upholstered couch. Yeeeeah. We should talk about it, really, but I'm not ready. Let's run a sack-count instead!

13:42, first quarter:
Yates sacked somewhere around the 40 yard line, by Teraz McCray, and then -- well -- you can't really call it puppy-piling when the "puppies" are the size of draft horses, can you? Maybe you can. I'm going to, damn it! Three Miami defenders jumping on Yates! Not sure yet whether it's going to be harder being Yates today, or me. This was all on the first third down, naturally. Man, Carolina; it's five after noon, I just woke up from a late-morning nap, and I already need a beer. Thanks.

11:25, second quarter:
TOUCHDOWN TJ YATES. This is totally worth noting, people, as it is Yates' first career rushing touchdown, achieved by falling into the end zone. Literally. You have to laugh and cheer, people, because the Tar Heels are up! 17-0! And it's way too early to start crying.

4:51, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a 20 yard pass to Joe Dailey for 20 yards to complete the first down. WHO IS THIS POD PERSON WEARING NUMBER 13, I AM CONFUSED. I like him, though, so please, Butch, keep real!Yates chained up in the basement a while longer.

2:50, second quarter:
MIKE PAULUS NAMECHECK AND IT WAS NEITHER ME NOR DEX., HOLY SHIT.

2:30, second quarter:
And TJ Yates falls down while attempting to rush. Welcome back, real!Yates. Welcome back.

5:37, third quarter:
You didn't think I was still watching, did you? Buuuuurn. Anyway. I know it's a sack, technically, but I always think it should be called something different when it's a defender taking the quarterback down with an arm around the knees. It wasn't even like Teraz McCray clothes-lined Yates; he hooked his arm around Yates' knees and dragged his little ass to the grass. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, REAL!YATES. SEND ME THE POD AND SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN.

14:51, fourth quarter:
Heh, ESPN said TJ Yates pump-faked one too many times, and now he's getting an elbow scrape cleaned up. Poor baby; I'd imagine too much pumping on the field could be hazardous to one's health. Sacked by Vegas Franklin on the third down, but Connor Barth came in and bailed him out with a field goal. Seriously, too much pump-faking, I can't stop giggling. I'm legally old enough to drink this beer, I promise.

10:59, fourth quarter:
"TJ, you gotta lower your head, try to get that last couple yards. I know you're a quarterback and not a mobile guy, but ..."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ESPN busting TJ Yates' ass, even when he actually carries the ball for eight yards, will never get old.

we've got to beat Miami!

2007-10-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

John Bunting is long gone from the Carolina sidelines, but the Heels still need to beat Miami today, if they have any hope of salvaging their season at all. In honor of that, I give you Beat Miami, a lovely piece of flash animation from News & Observer cartoonist Grey Blackwell.

My favorite part of this is the joke about Mack Brown, because it always makes me think of a mean-spirited joke about Matt Doherty (and I'm the last living Doherty apologist, too, this just always makes me laugh): what did Matt Doherty do that Mack Brown never managed? Made Carolina a football school.

Regardless: we've got to beat Miami today. 1-4 is just embarrassing.

I was going to make a joke about Steve Trachsel not making the playoff roster, but, well, Steve Trachsel. The joke writes itself.

2007-10-05T18:46:00.000-04:00

We swear we're not dead, we're just busy engaging in the lifestyles of Yankees and Cubs fans during the post-season: that is to say, drinking heavily and ignoring the fact that there's baseball on the TV.

But in much better news: the ACC Basketball Handbook finally dropped and WWTHD? purchased a copy tonight while making a beer run at the Harris Teeter. It's a delightful little book, not in small part because our beloved blogsake is on the cover making a face like a demented walrus. Aside from dex. making appalled noises in the beer aisle over Memphis being ranked #1 over Carolina (John Calipari: #2 on the list of college coaches dex. wouldn't pee on if they were on fire, right after Rick Pitino and right before Rick Barnes), it's a satisfying book. I have reservations about the Tar Heels starting the season ranked so highly, with so many expectations heaped on them -- it's a hell of a lot farther to fall, for one thing -- but damn, it feels good to almost be back to basketball season.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go draw a mustache and goatee on the feature about Greg Paulus. We hear he was demoted from being a captain of the Duke team, and this pleases us immensely.

"The University of Richmond mascot is a spider."

2007-10-01T08:43:00.000-04:00

I'm still kind of staggering from our nine hour drive home yesterday (thanks a pantsload, Richmond, you suck!) but I had to note that it was, in fact, Tom Glavine who shit the bed for the Mets yesterday. I've got nothing against the Mets in general -- David Wright and Jose Reyes, in particular, have been joys to watch this season -- but I loathe Tom Glavine with a fire so fierce that I can't even look at him on the TV. If he shows up on SportsCenter, we have to change the channel because otherwise I have rage blackouts and have to go lie down.

So I'm sorry that the Mets choked like little bitches, but the fact that Tom Glavine blew their final game of the season -- to the Marlins, no less -- is exactly what Mr. 1994 Strike NL Player's Rep deserved. Stick that in your playoff-less pipe and smoke it, Glavine, you douchebag.

In other news, we sat in front of an Orioles fan wearing a Notre Dame football jersey at the O's/Yanks game on Saturday night; in the middle of Danny Cabs' spectacular ten-run inning meltdown, I turned to him and said, "You're just not having a very good year, are you?" He said, very sadly, "Noooooooo." His buddy was in a USC jersey; that just seems cruel to me. Don't rub it in, Notre Dame fan's friend! Poor Notre Dame. I hope they go 0-12, it would be fucking hilarious.

We're outta here. (For the weekend.)

2007-09-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

WWTHD? is taking our show on the road this weekend, heading up to Baltimore to take in an Orioles/Yankees game and abuse dex.'s parents' hospitality, so all your normal weekend activities (getting drunk, screaming at TJ Yates, making fun of Rex Grossman) are on hold til Monday. Never fear: we're TiVoing Carolina/Virginia Tech, so there will be a full record of every time TJ Yates goes down like the Sex Cannon early next week.

Be excellent to each other, and if there's any more mascot-on-mascot violence, leave us links to the YouTube footage, obvs.

"we'd feel bad if we weren't so busy laughing."

2007-09-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

According to Chicagoist, Brian Griese got the Sex Cannon's starting job for the Bears today. The only really sad part about this is that the Sex Cannon Sacks Live Blog was so short lived! Never fear, dear readers: when Brian Griese rolls over like a little bitch in a few weeks, which he inevitably will because he's Brian Griese, the Sex Cannon will be back. Either that, or the Bears will bring Kyle Orton back to start -- which, frankly, might be even funnier.

The Sex Cannon is dead; long live the Sex Cannon.

In other news, Wes Miller, best beloved ex-Tar Heel midget shooting guard of my heart, dropped 47 points in his London Capital debut. Somewhere, Bobby Frasor is staring at the internets and wondering about the alternate universe in which Wes Miller is a high scorer, ever. Plus we could say something about the validity of the English Pro League, but we love Wes too much for that, so mostly we're just glad (and perpetually amused) that he's got himself a professional career, for reals.

"i wouldn't fuck with a mascot named chanticleer."

2007-09-25T15:36:00.000-04:00

From Every Day Should Be Saturday, the James Madison Duke takes on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleer during the weekend's JMU/CCU game. I give this mascot-on-mascot violence a 4/10; sure, the Chanticleer is kind of a wimpy mascot, but there's also no teabagging like there was in the Duck/Cougar violence.

Personally I'm waiting for for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane to take on the Tulane Green Wave; we might even get a whole new color and weather pattern out of the ensuing brawl. Or anything involving the Syracuse Orangeman! Because honestly: can you really look at me and tell me that watching a dude in a big orange suit fighting, say, the Georgetown Hoya wouldn't make you laugh? I think not. Instant hilarity, right there.

"apparently the dallas defense is sub-par. maybe the sex cannon will just fall down by himself a lot tonight."

2007-09-23T19:43:00.001-04:00

True fact: when I lived in Chicago, I really tried to put my back into being a Bears fan, because it meant I got to hang out with my friend Mikey every Sunday. Also true fact: I spent more time sleeping on Mikey's couch while the Bears sucked it up and Mikey played video games during commercials than I actually did watching the Bears.

But then I moved to North Carolina and the Bears made the Sex Cannon their QB, and putting my back into making fun of the Sex Cannon is more enjoyable than being a Ravens fan, and so we here at WWTHD? bring you our newest feature: the Sex Cannon Sacks Live Blog, every week we're in the NC and in front of a TV and the Chicago game is on national broadcast.

Which, today it is and we are and etc.

SO.

Come join us in mocking the Sex Cannon as he falls down, gets knocked down, and tries to act like he actually knows how to play football. Fun for the whole family! (Keith Olbermann: "There has always been a Rex Grossman, he has always underperformed." Oh, Sex Cannon.)

1st Quarter, 13:01: Steven Bowen knocks Rex Grossman down. "Does that count as a sack?" shep. said. "Well, Rex fell down," I said, and she just shrugged. Incomplete pass on the third down. Rex Grossman continues to suck. Details at the next Bears possession.

1st Quarter, 12:49: ... Mark Anderson sacks Tony Romo.

dex.: "Do I have to blog Tony Romo getting sacked?"
shep.: "I think you might have to."

1st Quarter, 1:30:

a.: Rex Grossman & Tony Romo probably go out for beers to trade war stories about being mocked by their fans.
shep.: MAN DATE
shep.: they hold hands under the tables

Tony Romo just tossed an interception to Adam Archuleta. Perhaps the Sex Cannon Sacks Blog is the wrong blog of suckage tonight.

End 1st: REX GROSSMAN HAS NOT BEEN SACKED YET. He has only fallen down once! I would tell Lovie to look for the pod in the locker room but frankly I sort of enjoy the Sex Cannon as Pod Person. So perhaps we shall let the Alien Sex Cannon be for the moment.

2nd Quarter, 14:49: Dude, I take it back! The Sex Cannon just threw an interception to Anthony Henry. Welcome back, Rex! We were worried that you hadn't fallen down enough yet.

2nd Quarter, 7:34: DeMarcus Ware sacks the Sex Cannon! Congratulations, Mr. DeWare, you have the first Sex Cannon sack of the night. Two thumbs up, it was a very nice sack.

2nd Quarter, 6:22: Tony Romo goes down in a hail of Bears jerseys. I think Brian Urlacher actually made the hit. Now we're cooking! Sack! Sack! Sack!

2nd Quarter, 1:20: DeMarcus Ware, I appoint you the official position of "knocking the Sex Cannon over for maximum hilarity". Congratulations!

2nd Quarter, 0:02: The Sex Cannon trips over a defender and falls down to end the half. He wasn't sacked! He just fell down! Sex Cannon, you are kind of the most amazing. I'm just saying.

3rd Quarter, 8:45: The Sex Cannon runs for a first down and I nearly give myself a concussion cracking my head against our end table. Awesome.

3rd Quarter, 6:36:

dex.: [The Sex Cannon]'s hat is all shiny.
shep.: He's such a retard, I can't even.

4th Quarter, 13:15: Brian Urlacher sacks Tony Romo again. Earlier Tony sort of bad-touched Brian, and apparently Brian doesn't appreciate that sort of lovin' from Tony.

4th Quarter, 11:55: Aaaaaaaand the Sex Cannon throws another interception to Anthony Henry, who expresses his thanks by returning it for a touchdown. The Chicago crowd is chanting for Brian Griese. Rex Grossman officially sucks balls.

4th Quarter, 9:13: John Madden starts a sentence, "I don't mean to be mean to Grossman, but ..." and the Sex Cannon goes down in a sack to Anthony Spencer. Sex Cannon, seriously, just go home now. I promise your mom won't be mean to you. Much.

4th Quarter, 3:09: "The booing would be even louder, but half the crowd's in the parking lot already." Look, I can't lie, John Madden talking about the Sex Cannon throwing interceptions that are caught by Roy Williams pleases me immensely. Roy Williams! Shouldn't you be out recruiting point guards or getting ready for the pre-season, hmmmmm?

We're bad luck for pro football teams, I think. The Chargers got bent over by Brett Faverererer today and now the Sex Cannon has sucked like a Hoover. Hard for everyone involved, most especially the Sex Cannon!

I'd feel bad but I just can't care that much. I'm a bad person, it's true.

"is favre at least pretty when he's kicking the chargers' asses?" "for an old dude!"

2007-09-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention it yesterday -- must've been the booze blur that was my afternoon post-TJ Yates' tumbling performance -- but Duke also lost their game yesterday! Against Navy! I'll be sitting here praising allah, thank you very much, because if I had to sit through three hours' of UNC tanking, I'd better receive a Duke loss too.

Apparently Navy even had to bust a little ass to hold the Blue Devils off, because Duke was kicking ass and taking a few names by the half. Twenty-four hours later and I still find it hard to believe I'm living in a world where any team has to actually put their back into beating Duke's football team; maybe it's the amateur fan in me, or probably the Tar Heels fan, but man, I thought all the Midshipmen would have to do is show up!

Mmmmm, the Midshipmen. Mmmmm, military athletes. Mmmmm, Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson spatting on the sidelines of the San Diego/Green Bay game ... what?

Our friend a., one of a handful of Duke alumni allowed in our apartment, is taking us to see the Virginia Tech at Duke football game in a few weeks. I'm pretty excited; I've never been to the Duke campus before. Much like Mark Wahlberg in "The Shooter", I'm going to scout out camera locations, crowd movement patterns and sniper spots. Unlike Mark Wahlberg, I'll probably be drunk by 100pm, so if I do find any potentially awesome sniper spots, I'll end up talking about them, and possibly getting arrested. Think they'll let me update the blog from jail?

We're just sad that the little Paulus didn't get to play.

2007-09-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

North Carolina coach Butch Davis didn't flinch when T.J. Yates threw yet another interception. Instead, he shared a story with his freshman quarterback.

Davis recalled back to 1989 when Troy Aikman was a rookie playing against the Philadelphia Eagles. Davis, then a Dallas assistant, watched Aikman get sacked more than 10 times. By comparison, Yates finished Saturday's 37-10 loss to No. 23 South Florida with four interceptions – the most by a UNC quarterback in a game in eight years. [WRAL.com]

The thing is, I just don't think TJ Yates is going to grow up and be Troy Aikman. Butch really shouldn't encourage him.

"man-on-man coverage!" "what, what?!"

2007-09-22T12:24:00.000-04:00

It's college football day, here in the home of WWTHD?, and man, can the Tar Heels not play football or what? Seriously, guys. Seriously. It's 1230pm, I've busted out the Jack Daniels, and all that's left for me is a live-blog account of TJ Yates getting sacked. I can't help it, dear readers; I love him, and he's not a bad quarterback but I laugh every time: he is six feet, three inches of wretched human being. Maybe if we're lucky -- and by lucky, I mean phenomenally unlucky, because I don't understand why someone would want such a thing -- Butch Davis will put the baby!Paulus in today. Gosh, watching the baby!Paulus playing football is like being drunk without the work.

Does anyone else laugh at the non-ironic usage of the nickname 'Butch' on national television? Just us? Okay.

1st quarter, 11:58-ish:
Sacked at the knees! I don't know by whom, because I was too busy yelling at dex. through the screen door about how I'd let Yates sack me, for fuck's sake, if it meant he'd stay on his goddamn feet for more than five minutes.

1st quarter, 5:13:
Sacked again, in a slightly more respectable fashion; this time, it was closer to the waist. Again, did not notice what South Florida player managed the sack, because this was the point I asked dex., "should I live blog TJ Yates sacks today?" She told me yes, because it was after I set a very strong Jack-and-coffee on the coffee table. (edit: I think both the first and second sack were George Selvie, USF bad ass extraodinaire.)

2nd quarter, :58:
TIMES WE WISH TJ YATES WAS SACKED: after throwing a interception to USF at Carolina's 40. TJ, I should not be drunk already today! No, really -- well, if you insist.

3rd quarter, 9:43:
"DOWN. GOES. YATES." Our boy was sacked by Aaron Harris, whose name I missed it the first time round -- you know, this wouldn't be so hard if ESPN updated their play-by-play in a timely fashion. I never catch names as events occur, I won't front. Also, man, TJ, you should be glad I'm not live-blogging all your dumbassery. It would not be an awesome time.

3rd quarter, 6:48:
dex.: ... did he just throw another interception?
shep.: *screams into pillow*
dex.: well then!

3rd quarter, 3:28:
In non-TJ Yates news, gosh, ESPN, please stop saying things like "thrust into action". I will beg you, if necessary. My sinuses cannot take it.

3rd quarter, 1:19:
Fourth sack! Jarriett Buie! It almost looked like he was double-teamed in that one but alas, no. I'm just saying, if anyone on this UNC roster has a gay porn face ... anyway.

3rd quarter, :06:
Woody George. What a great name.

4th quarter, 14:45:
You'd think this would be getting boring but nope, it's still sort of awesome. Fifth sack, George Selvie, TJ ends up on his stomach, on his face. If anyone sleeps with him after this game, I'm liable to slap them.

4th quarter, 11:10:
shep.: I'm not sure if he was just sacked again, or if someone knocked TJ Yates over?
dex.: You know, I think this may have been the wrong year to become Carolina football fans.

For the record, it was totally a sack -- to me, at least, but I think ESPN begs to differ. Fuck 'em.

4th quarter, 4:46:
YATES RUNNING FOR THE FIRST DOWN. The only thing impressive about it? The fact it actually occurred outside my head.

4th quarter, 1:03:
TOUCHDOWN CAROLINA. TJ Yates involvement: none! Game: pretty much over!

Wow, that was an appalling piece of blogging. Just be glad we're too buzzed to document the eighth and ninth innings of the Cubs game.

Cities That Love Sports Too Much And The Greedy Team Owners Who Use Them.

2007-09-16T11:37:00.000-04:00

Last Monday, watching the Ravens roll over like bitches in their season opener, I said, "I think I'm really going to put my back into being a Ravens fan this year." shep. sort of made the face, and my cat, who goes by the name of Billy Donovan around here, rolled over, lifted a leg, and started to lick himself, which really sort of sums up the entirety of being a Baltimore sports fan these days. When Billy Donovan won't back you up, you know you're in trouble.

It's hard to be an Orioles fan. I'm in the middle of a trial reconciliation with them, after eight years of bitterness, anger and Midwest living, and it hasn't been easy. They're bad. I mean, historically, legendarily bad, and not in terms of loss numbers, either. Thirty runs to Texas. Seventeen to Tampa Bay and then eighteen to the Angels. No-hit by a rookie. The worst bullpen in baseball and the best All-DL starting rotation. Injuries too numerous to count. And yet I continue to love them, because I am stupid and I am a Baltimore native and I enjoy having my heart broken over and over and over again like that.

Usually in September, I'm done with baseball. This year I'm still cheering for two game winning streaks.

And then the Ravens started off the season with three first-quarter turnovers, and Kyle Boller failed to throw a game-winning touchdown even given a fourth-down penalty blessing and getting to try three more times; instead of throwing a touchdown after seven downs inside the goal line with the game on the line, he threw an interception.

I think it's fate. I think I'm doomed to love teams that are phenomenally bad in excruciatingly creative ways. And I can't help myself. I'm going to put my back into being a Ravens fan this year, because I'm from the Baltimore: sometimes, losing's the only thing we know how to do.

"I punched a Paulus in Durham just to see him cry?"

2007-09-16T01:03:00.001-04:00

For the record: we here at What Would Tyler Hansbrough Do? are very sad to hear Duke actually won a football game today! We were hoping Duke would go winless until next year, and get the record-tying 34th loss against Northwestern. Of course, we would celebrate such a momentous event with our dear friend Jack Daniels, present in our home and our hearts for all occasions of this ilk. All occasions, period.

I would write more on this topic, and how dex. and I have become sort of obsessively enamored with this college football season, but we're watching duck-on-cougar action, and well. It's really satisfying, is all.

"how is the sex cannon smiling on the side lines? does he have the memory of a goldfish?"

2007-09-09T19:37:00.000-04:00

I decided, during WWTHD?'s weekend of new things, to follow a NFL team this year. The craziness! As a chick who's only ever followed football when threatened by siblings or people I want to see naked, I expected this to be a tough call: as a kid, my brothers badgered me into cheering for the Giants with arm burn, and my exes (or people I failed at dating) had a tendency towards being the sort of 49s fans who would deny you sex for fun.

During my, uhhhh, hour of pre-kickoff research, I learned three things about LaDainian Tomlinson, and the San Diego Chargers, that titillated and intrigued me:

LT's birthday is on the same day as mine (albeit in a different calendar year).
He is also very, very good looking!
Sometimes, the Chargers rock something very similar to a shade of "faggy blue" we're fond of, around here.

Clearly, the Chargers and I are meant to be together. When you consider the crush I've developed on the Padres over the last two years, it's really not a surprise.

Honestly, though, the best part of watching today's Bears/Chargers game wasn't LT's tight little butt, or his touchdown pass in the third quarter, or even Philip Rivers' cry to heaven/rage blackout. It was the opportunity for so, so many gay jokes about Rex Grossman, and Rex Grossman getting sacked, and Rex Grossman making the face whilst wearing a retarded baseball cap. It was about me drinking, and talking to my football enabler, and saying 'Sex Cannon' over and over again. And where there is football, and gay jokes, and mentions of Sex Cannons, there are inevitably jokes about Brady Quinn.

In this household, at least.

shep.: brady quinn, i long to watch you make out with jj redick
a.: adam morrison will hunt you down for that
shep.: brady quinn would try to persue jj with his bronzed abs
shep.: and adam's mustache would be so depressed
a.: so depressed adam might even shave and try looking nice
shep.: my world would be rocked, trufax

And .... scene. Time for another margarita!

"Do you think TJ Yates is going to sleep alone much this fall?"

2007-09-08T23:26:00.000-04:00

shep. and I took our show on the road tonight, heading out to Four Corners to watch Carolina take on ECU (and, more importantly, to drink some beers and eat some buffalo chicken sandwiches), and by the time ECU kicked the winning field goal with 2 seconds left on the clock, the whole place was on their feet shouting and stomping, and the post-game disappointment was palpable and, unexpectedly, also unexpected. Down to the moment the ball sailed through the goalposts, everyone in the bar actually believed that the Heels were going to win. The irrational hope that Butch Davis engenders in the Tar Heel faithful is really sort of completely charming, and I didn't expect it at all.

Also, we'd like to take TJ Yates home with us.

(We used to be here, but this is a much better name.)