"Corso just called Rece sweetheart."

shep.'s moving furniture today, so I'm on TJ Yates Sacks Duty. Last weekend, when both Duke and Carolina had off days, A. pointed out that it was a great day, because we couldn't lose! Nobody could be sacked! To which I responded that I felt somebody in Chapel Hill was likely to see TJ Yates walking down Franklin Street in the afternoon on Saturday and be overcome with rage and just sack him, right there on the street. Because that's how TJ Yates rolls, guys, and that's how he forces the rest of us to roll, too.

So I'm here and I have Burger King and also Jack Daniels in my Dr. Pepper, and if TJ Yates loves me, he won't fall down too much, because I just don't think I can stand it if he does.

Pre-Game:

... Lincoln Financial announcers, TJ Yates has not been great under center this year! HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THE SAME TEAM WE HAVE? ARE YOU IN THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE I'M MARRIED TO A ROCK STAR? HOW DO I GET TO THAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, OMG?

14:44, first quarter:

First snap of the game, after a great 30-yard return by B.Tate, TJ Yates throws an interception. I go put more Jack Daniels in my drink.

13:05, first quarter:

So I'm TiVoing the WFU/UNC game, so as to be able to see easily who sacks TJ, but I've got W(F)VU/Rutgers on the other band because it's West Fucking Virginia, and, okay, Ray Rice? Is sort of a midget. I don't know, I guess I thought a fearsome rusher like Rice would be taller.

Also, TJ got this pass off -- to his own receiver, this time -- before he was taken down at the waist. Oh, TJ. I know you miss shep., but I love you, too!

Wake Forest has a player named Boo. That's pretty awesome, no lie.

10:54, first quarter:

Chantz McClinic sacks TJ on third-and-five for a ten yard loss. The Tar Heels continue to appall me. Butch Davis looks for antacids on the sidelines.

Also, Chantz McClinic: great football name or greatest football name?

8:29, first quarter:

Since TJ's been on the field for approximately a minute and a half today, I'm going to just start sharing my drunken feelings with y'all, and my number one drunken feeling is that I'm simultaneously appalled and hilariously amused at the -- hey, Carolina sacked somebody! Awesome -- line of college football announcer jargon written on a Post-It on our coffee table, leftover from VT/BC Thursday: "flush him out with inside penetration". Okay, college football announcers: I don't care if there's actually real live butt sex going on at the O-line, please, never say this again.

... You could show me the butt sex, though, if that happened.

Butch, I have a lot of Jack Daniels. You should come over. You look like you need it.

0:38, first quarter:

TJ, did you just accidentally run for a first down? I THINK YOU DID. I love it when you do things and then come up from the bottom of the pile and look sort of surprised that you were successful.

14:48, second quarter:

Connor Barth, you are the only reason I haven't beaten TJ Yates down yet this season. I'm just sayin'. Carolina on the board, 3-10, aaaaaaand, while I'm typing this, Wake returns the kickoff for a touchdown. 17-3, Wake Forest. I need more Jack.

13:26, second quarter:

FOUR FALSE START PENALTIES. SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GONNA ROLL, AND I'M LOOKING AT YOU, TJ.

12:26, second quarter:

TJ, when you fall down, it's almost as bad as when you get sacked.

8:11, second quarter:

TJ Yates was a shooting guard in high school? That so totally explains why he ... was just sacked by a dude named Boo. Boo Robinson. Oh, TJ.

1:53, second quarter:

Stanley Arnoux sacks TJ Yates after TJ pump-fakes one too many times. I got nothin', people. I. The jokes, I can't even write 'em, because they're already there.

Oh, my God, it's only half-time? If I die of alcohol poisoning before the end of this game, tell TJ Yates I hated him, and tell my mother I loved her.

11:33, third quarter:

Somebody call 911, I think Butch Davis just had a stroke. Or a rage blackout. Possibly both, at the same time. Frankly, I don't blame him.

10:11, third quarter:

... holy shit, DID WE CAUSE A TURNOVER? AND RECOVER? AND KEEP IT? Bless you, Durrell Mapp, bless you. And of course it's reviewed. Because I can't have nice things. And I'm out of Dr. Pepper. And after review: THIS WASN'T THE KIND OF LUBELESS BUTT SEX I MEANT, ACC OFFICIATING CREW, JESUS CHRIST.

1:20, third quarter:

Guys, I really want to go take a nap, but TJ might get sacked about 14 times in the fourth quarter, so I can't. But I really want to. This game makes me sad. Except for Wake Forest kicker Sam Swank, who trumps Chantz McClinic for greatest football name ever. Sam Swank, I know I'm not supposed to love you, but your name is pretty awesome.

Carolina football makes me so sad.

End of the third quarter:

TJ completes two straight passes to end the third quarter and I start looking for my alternate universe rock star husband; fourth quarter starts and TJ sacks himself on one of his own backs and I go back to drinking my beer alone without love from rock stars.

14:04, fourth quarter:

TD, YATES TO ROME! I'd like to send TJ Yates to Rome. He couldn't throw interceptions or sack himself on Hakeem Nicks's elbow if he was in Rome.

13:46, fourth quarter:

Wake Forest TD. I really should have taken that nap. 30-10, WFU.

11:00, fourth quarter:

TJ Yates tosses another interception to Aaron Curry, who returns it 77 yards for a touchdown. I start drinking the banana liqueur in the kitchen.

9:56, fourth quarter:

DOWN GOES YATES. THIS DUDE WHO SACKED YOU IS NAMED BOO, TJ, YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A QB. BRING ME MIKE PAULUS. AND ANOTHER BEER.

8:50, fourth quarter:

TJ YATES IS OUR QB BECAUSE HE WASN'T RECRUITED BY A MAJOR D1 SCHOOL TO PLAY BASKETBALL, JESUS CHRIST.

3:10, fourth quarter:

Look, I just need to make this point: Wes Miller was approximately 4 feet tall, but a good enough basketball player to earn a scholarship on Roy Williams' team, and start considerable minutes his junior year. TJ Yates is such a bad basketball player that he can't play for The Roy, but we made him our QB instead. How. How is this earth logic, Butch? I know I'm drunk, but I just can't process the news of this. TJ Yates got recruited for football because he was too bad at basketball.

Bring me the little Paulus, Butch. Please.

Final score: Wake Forest 37, Carolina 10. TJ Yates threw two interceptions, was sacked by Wake four times, and sacked himself at least twice. Is it basketball yet?

"Deron Washington should buy some orange tights."

I seem to be the only person in the blogosphere who read the news about Billy Donovan's bad back affecting his ability to coach [FanHouse] and immediately thought of Duke and the 1995 season. Granted, Duke probably wouldn't have been as big a disaster if they had had Coach K on the sidelines, but it strikes me as an oddly convenient excuse for a Florida team that's defending two national titles but isn't expected to be particularly good.

I'm not blaming Coach K for what happened to Duke that year -- though I think he deserves some of the blame, and it shouldn't all fall on Pete Gaudet, in terms of record or otherwise -- and I wouldn't necessarily blame Donovan for anything and everything that happens to Florida while he's not on the sidelines, if that comes down. I just couldn't help but see the similarities, ten years apart, is all.

I might be the only one in the blogosphere, but I'm not the only one in the world -- I talked to my Dad last night, and I said, "Hey, Dad, I read today that Billy Donovan's having back problems that might keep him from coaching some this season," and before I could even ask him what it reminded him of, he said, "Ah, shades of Durham, 1995 in Gainesville this year, huh?"

My dad is pretty awesome, it's true.


Unrelatedly: it's pretty well-known fact amongst my real life sports-watching compatriots that I hate the new ACC; I resent the loss of the double round robin in basketball season viciously and I can't quite summon up the energy to give a shit about the football championship game, but even more than I hate the new ACC, I hate Boston College. That's an old hate. That's a hate that goes back to 1994, when they upset Carolina in the tournament, because the basketball team was thugs then and are mostly thugs now, though Al Skinner's tamed them a little bit. The point is: I hate BC, BC sucks, and last night I rooted desperately for Virginia Tech, despite my loathing for the new ACC, because I hate BC even more, and VT shit the bed in the last four minutes and I'm done with that, with them, with the new fucking ACC, throw 'em out, return them to the Big East for a full refund, and get rid of Florida State, too, while you're at it, and give me back my beautiful double round robin and three day conference tournament.

And BC still sucks, even if they escaped the bullet [Every Day Should Be Saturday] last night.

This is our only comment on the Thursday Night Football game:

shep.: Do not EVER say Doug Flutie's nephew again! EVER! No!
dex.: That means someone related to Doug Flutie had sex once.
shep.: Ew. There is a baby Flutie, playing for Boston College. THIS IS VERY HARD FOR ME.

Is it basketball yet?

Every year, I put together my own pre-season ACC final standings; last year, I picked Virginia to finish third amongst much pointing and laughing, and then they tied Carolina for 1st. So sometimes I'm smarter than the experts. But probably not this year -- aside from Carolina, I really don't know what to make of this year's ACC. This is all a wild shot in the dark.


1. Carolina. What? We return three starters, including the near-consensus pre-season National Player of the Year, 5 bench players who got solid minutes last year, and Quentin Thomas. The outside shooting remains a question -- the Duke had the best percentage on the team last year but he often faded when he should have shone -- but I'm excited to see what Deon and Tyler can do inside (I think Deon's style of play is more suited to Tyler's than Brandan's was) and I'm 100% on board the Ty Lawson train.

2. NC State. Only question mark is at point guard. They find somebody to fill Atsur's shoes, they could win the ACC this year instead of just playing season spoiler.

3. Clemson. Oliver Purnell is coming for the big guns in the ACC, and this might be the year he shows everybody else who's boss. The talent's there, but can they hold up in ACC season? Last year's 17-0 start, followed by their grand collapse in conference, is on lots of people's minds.

4. Duke. Most pre-season guides pick them higher. DeMarcus is hurt, Brian Zoubek is hurt, Greg Paulus is a weenie, and the freshman class is great on paper -- but so was last year's Duke freshman class, and we all know how that ended. Also, I always pick Duke low, because I am a bitch like that. A. loves me anyway.

5. Virginia. Again, I say what? Sean Singletary is on a mission from God.

6. Maryland. This Maryland team baffles me. I really don't know where to put them -- could be higher, could be a complete collapse and a whole hell of a lot lower.

7. Georgia Tech. Paul Hewitt is lucky: he has an AD who believes in him, and is willing to be patient. A smart, talented young team that beat Carolina last year. Like Maryland, could go up or down a couple of spots.

8. Virginia Tech. Deron Washington's tights will only take you so far.

9. Boston College. The talent's there, but they lost all their heart to the draft and counterfeiting schemes, and I love Tyrese Rice as much as the next Boston College hater, but, friends, I knew Jared Dudley (to hate on), and Ty Rice is no Jared Dudley.

10. Florida State. What the fuck ever. Who cares about Florida State? Anybody? Yeah, me neither. I keep forgetting that Pat Kennedy doesn't coach them anymore, and he's been gone for ten years! (Huh. Wikipedia tells me that Mr. Kennedy is now coaching at the university of my hometown, the grand old Towson University of the CAA. That's a step down, Mr. Kennedy.)

11. Wake Forest. A team that's been reeling for the last two years doesn't add much talent and loses its coach in the off-season. Dino Gaudio has his work cut out for him, and this Wake team is young and probably freaked as all shit right now. Next year, maybe, but this year it's another bad year for the Deacs.

12. Miami. Poor Miami. Why did you guys want to be in the ACC, again?

Book Review! A Civil War, John Feinstein

I have a life goal, dear readers. It's not a very realistic life goal, but it's a life goal all the same: some day I'd love to read a book by John Feinstein -- on any subject! I will read the fucking golf books if I have to! -- in which he does not suck Coach K's dick in print. I thought A Civil War was it; I was in the 90s, page number wise, and I hadn't seen a single mention of Ol' Rat Face, and I was starting to relax, and then boom! I turned the page, and there, right on page 98, was three whole paragraphs about The Man Himself. Way to not show your bias, John Feinstein. Two thumbs up.

Despite that, and despite the fact that it took me six weeks to read this book, it was an enjoyable book. Feinstein has a knack for finding the most interesting people stories and building his books around them, and he didn't fail in this one -- the cadets and mids he chose to follow were real people to me by the end of the first chapter, and I followed the exploits of both teams with great interest.

Particularly interesting to me was the time Feinstein spends talking about how different it is for athletes at the military academies, than at normal straight-up Division 1 schools. A fact little known by the internet is that I worked in collegiate recruiting for three years, on the private sector end of things, and that job left me with a real clear picture of both the recruiting process and the realities of student athletes on all levels, not just Division 1, and Feinstein just corroborates what I was pretty sure I already knew: recruiting a good team to compete at D1 at a military academy is one of the hardest jobs in the country. Harder than recruiting D2, even, because if you're a D2 coach and you're lucky, you're working with a private firm to connect with athletes, and the athletes are educated and they know point-blank they're not good enough to even play at a minor D1 school. D2 gets you an education that's paid for, and you might not get to play on TV but you get to keep playing for another four years, and that's all that matters to a lot of kids.

But the military academies -- you might be on TV, you get to play big-name schools, but you're still at a military academy and that's still harder than anything that goes on at a low D1 or D2 or D3 school. Feinstein doesn't sugar coat it, and the thread of difficulty running through the book really made it work for me at an even higher level. I felt for these kids, I felt for these coaches, and by the time that Feinstein got to the actual Army/Navy (listed alphabetically, though apparently Navy always says Navy/Army) game, I was genuinely heartbroken that both teams couldn't manage to win it. Feinstein pulls out all the stops in telling the story of that game, and combined with all the struggles earlier in the book and the genuine difficulty that comes with recruiting and/or playing for a military academy, I will freely admit it: I cried at the end of this book.

It's a good read; it might very well be Feinstein's best book, though I will admit bias because his backhanded portrayal of Dean Smith in A March To Madness always pisses me off, and it's been years since I read A Season On The Brink. I certainly enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than I liked The Last Amateurs. Worth a read, especially if you're interested in the technical side of collegiate recruiting. (Actually, speaking of, is there anyone in our six readers who would like to hear about my three years in recruiting? Is there anyone who hasn't already heard about Tom Izzo pouring white wine on me?)

And if you're a big girl, like me, pack tissues. It's a weeper.

Exploits at the liquor store on a Saturday morning.

UNRELATED TO THE BOOK REVIEW: I went to the liquor store this morning, like one does -- here in the NC, you can buy hard liquor only in state-run ABC stores, but you can buy beer and wine anywhere, so shep. brought beer home from work -- and the place was packed. I guess that's what happens when the Tar Heels are off and the big game in the state is NCSU/ECU. Regardless, the cheerful dude behind the counter was asking everybody what games they were watching today as he rang up their liquor.

I told him, "Well, since the universe saw fit to deny us the Tennessee/Bama game, Oklahoma at Iowa State, State at ECU, Virginia at Maryland, and maybe Florida at Kentucky if we feel like flipping channels."

He grinned at me, and the three completely adorable barely-21-year-old dudes standing behind me, buying a truly ridiculous amount of Jim Beam and flavored vodka, sort of looked at me like they wanted to follow me home. Considering that I haven't showered yet today, those looks made me feel like a million bucks.


Dudes who were behind me at the ABC on the far edge of Carrboro, come over! Bring your Jim Beam!

In their defense, Yankees fans just get drunk at the Yard. They pee in the bathrooms like normal people.

Having been harassed in my home stadium -- as one of the few, the embarrassed, the pathetic, the Native Orioles Fan -- by fans of the visiting team (pre-2004 World Series, even! You stay classy, Red Sox Nation. And quit fucking peeing in our concourses when you come to visit!), the story of the Ladies ... being harassed and abused by fans in Cleveland doesn't surprise me. Saddens me, pisses me off, but doesn't surprise me.


Does guarantee that I'm done with rooting for Cleveland for the year, though, regardless of my love for fat starting pitchers who don't look like they should be able to walk to the mound, much less throw complete games. Rockies bandwagon, here I come. (Actual conversation had with my mother this week:

Mom: I'm rooting for Colorado! They're all so young and cute!
dex.: You have looked at Todd Helton, right, Mom?
Mom: Who?
dex.: *audible facepalm*
Mom: What? What? I saw them on TV, they're all cute! I promise!

My mom, ladies and gentlemen. My mom. She's on the same bandwagon as Wanda Williams, the woman responsible for the fact that, talent or not, Roy is responsible for having one of the prettiest teams in college basketball every year, I'm sure of it.)

We're not dead, we're just still avoiding baseball. The Tar Heels are off this week -- thank God, because concussion + Brandon Tate = more trouble for TJ Yates than usual -- so there'll be no Sacks Blog on Saturday, but hopefully dex. will finish a book sooner rather than later and give you reviews of John Feinstein's A Civil War (now with more irrelevant Coach K!) or Bissinger's Three Nights In August in some sort of timely fashion. A Civil War has to go back to the library next week anyway, so I better finish it.

"I'm gonna make a post that's going to make A. cry."

TOP FIVE MOST AMAZING THINGS WITNESSED BY WWTHD? AT THE DUKE/VATECH FOOTBALL GAME TODAY:

1. The Duke player who cold-cocked himself on the referee, after play had stopped. The referee didn't budge.
   
2. The time where Duke, punting on a fourth down from their own 4, had their punt blocked and the Hokies ended up with the ball on the Duke 2 with a first down. VaTech ... scored.
   
3. The time where Duke finally had a good kick off return, right to midfield, and then they fumbled the ball and VaTech recovered. Later in that series, VaTech scored.
   
4. The muffed kick-off reception that bounced off a Duke player's pads straight into VaTech's hands. Later in that series, VaTech scored.
   
5. The time Duke finally caught an interception, and then, three downs later, turned around and threw an interception. Later after that interception, VaTech scored.

Honorable mention: The tiny baby Duke fan wearing a cape with a hood and BLUE DEVIL HORNS on it. And the Duke Marching Band playing Fall Out Boy's "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs" at half-time.

WWTHD? would like to salute our dear friend A., the only Duke fan allowed in our house, for buying our tickets and putting up with us making fun of the ineptitude of the Duke football team all game. A. is seriously good people, and she even took photos of the Duke third-string quarterback's butt for us.

In other news, dex. neglected to program the Carolina/SOUTH Carolina game into the TiVo before we left for the Duke/VaTech game this morning -- in her defense, she did a shot of Jack Daniels at 9:45 a.m., so -- which means the TJ Yates Sacks Live Blog will be late (if, you know, it happens at all, we're sort of drunk and blearly already) today, and will not include the times in the first quarter that TJ fell down over his own feet.

"We say Nittany! You say Lions!"

Both my maternal grandparents went to Penn State; this probably means that I should have been raised a Penn State football fan but, see, I grew up in Baltimore and when I was 4 the Colts packed up in the middle of the night and moved to Indianapolis and broke my beloved city's heart -- a heartbreak that even a Ravens Super Bowl cannot quell, I might add; I still know grown men who spit over their shoulders when they see a Mayflower moving van and the only reason I don't is because nice Southern girls don't do that (even if they drink Jack Daniels and say fuck in public) -- so I grew up without football, mostly. The first year my parents were married Carolina lost the national basketball title to Marquette and my father, who married into the Tar Heel family, had his heart broken by the Tar Heels for the first time and became a die-hard fan.

So my younger sister and I were raised Tar Heel basketball fans and Baltimore Orioles fans and football was pretty tertiary to those; it wasn't until Paul Tagliabue denied Baltimore an expansion team that football came into my world view, really. The stories I remember growing up, for example, include my mom saying, "I had a history class with George Karl in college. He never showed up. The guy who took his tests for him didn't show up much either."

But my grandparents had this stuffed Nittany Lion when I was a kid and all the grandchildren, even those of us who didn't grow up to be sportsbloggers like myself, we all adored this stupid thing. When you squeezed its stomach, it said, "YOU SAY JOE PA, I SAY TERNO, JOE PA! TERNO! JOE PA! TERNO" and "YOU SAY NITTANY, I SAY LIONS, NITTANY! LIONS! NITTANY! LIONS!", and it was sort of the funniest thing ever when I was 10 years old. At the end of its lifetime -- because no one in the family knows what happened to it after my grandmother passed away in 2000; if anyone did, it would live in shep.'s and my living room and be a drunken party joke for certain -- it sort of slowed down a little, and shouted for JOE PA in a record played at low speed kind of voice, which was EVEN MORE hysterical mostly because half the grandchildren were of drinking age and family gatherings involved drinking a lot of beer and playing euchre at that point.

My point being: the second weekend of football season, when shep. and I discovered our love/hate relationship with TJ Yates while drinking Bud Lite at Four Corners, there was a really drunk guy in a Penn State jersey watching the PSU/ND game at the table two over from us, and I suddenly remembered the Nittany Lion of my childhood. I told shep. about it, and then I said, "If we post about college football, our tag should totally be 'you say joe pa'."

Because we'd drunk too much Bud Lite at that point, shep. snickered and agreed. And that's why our college football tag is what it is: a tribute to my late grandparents, and to the tiny gnome that is Joe Pa. I love seeing him on the sidelines -- he grabs his players by the helmets and mumbles at them and they go out and pretend they know what he's said, and, you know, he's still a pretty good coach, even if he doesn't really speak English anymore.

You say Joe Pa.

We here at WWTHD? say Terno.

Go Nittany Lions.

(It should be noted: our loyalties, here at WWTHD?, cover the Tar Heels, the Terps when they're not playing the Tar Heels, whoever beats Duke, Joe Paterno but not usually Penn State, the Orioles, the Yankees, the Cubs, the Cardinals, the Padres, the Ravens, the Chargers, anyone who beats the Colts, and Rex Grossman getting sacked. I've probably missed a few, too; we're a multi-talented fanbase.)

the best thing I've heard all weekend.

dex.: The good news is, you survived to see another day.
shep.: I know, John Madden just told me.
dex.: The bad news is Roger Clemens is done forever.
shep.: ... wait, what'd you just say?
dex.: I had that backwards, didn't I? The bad news is you might face CC Sabathia again; the good news is the tub of lard and roids is done forever.
shep.: SO LONG, BITCH TITS.


To recap: the Heels won, the Chargers won, the Ravens won and Roger Clemens will probably never pitch in my stadium, in that wretched, beloved old ballpark in New York City where my heart lies, ever again. And Duke lost yesterday, and I got to chase drunk Red Sox fans out of World Beer Fest last night! Not too shabby, kids.

"The Ravens have scored three field goals."

Things That Are Hard About Being a Baltimore Ravens Fan, A List By dex., age 27 and 1/2:

1. Being a Ravens fan.

That's pretty much it.

"what kind of breakfast food does one eat with a pumpkin beer?"

This evening, dex. and I are volunteering in Durham for World Beer Festival: partially for the exposure to hundreds of new beers, and partially because the fest sold out in a matter of days and we missed the ticket window, but mostly for access to the all-you-can drink volunteer after-party next week, where the volunteers get free food and all the leftover booze we can handle. It's not a bad life, okay? I'm pretty good with it.

I can't lie, we're also getting the hell out of the house so we don't end up sitting here, watching baseball and crying into our pineapple-upholstered couch. Yeeeeah. We should talk about it, really, but I'm not ready. Let's run a sack-count instead!


13:42, first quarter:
Yates sacked somewhere around the 40 yard line, by Teraz McCray, and then -- well -- you can't really call it puppy-piling when the "puppies" are the size of draft horses, can you? Maybe you can. I'm going to, damn it! Three Miami defenders jumping on Yates! Not sure yet whether it's going to be harder being Yates today, or me. This was all on the first third down, naturally. Man, Carolina; it's five after noon, I just woke up from a late-morning nap, and I already need a beer. Thanks.

11:25, second quarter:
TOUCHDOWN TJ YATES. This is totally worth noting, people, as it is Yates' first career rushing touchdown, achieved by falling into the end zone. Literally. You have to laugh and cheer, people, because the Tar Heels are up! 17-0! And it's way too early to start crying.

4:51, second quarter:
TJ Yates throws a 20 yard pass to Joe Dailey for 20 yards to complete the first down. WHO IS THIS POD PERSON WEARING NUMBER 13, I AM CONFUSED. I like him, though, so please, Butch, keep real!Yates chained up in the basement a while longer.

2:50, second quarter:
MIKE PAULUS NAMECHECK AND IT WAS NEITHER ME NOR DEX., HOLY SHIT.

2:30, second quarter:
And TJ Yates falls down while attempting to rush. Welcome back, real!Yates. Welcome back.

5:37, third quarter:
You didn't think I was still watching, did you? Buuuuurn. Anyway. I know it's a sack, technically, but I always think it should be called something different when it's a defender taking the quarterback down with an arm around the knees. It wasn't even like Teraz McCray clothes-lined Yates; he hooked his arm around Yates' knees and dragged his little ass to the grass. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, REAL!YATES. SEND ME THE POD AND SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN.

14:51, fourth quarter:
Heh, ESPN said TJ Yates pump-faked one too many times, and now he's getting an elbow scrape cleaned up. Poor baby; I'd imagine too much pumping on the field could be hazardous to one's health. Sacked by Vegas Franklin on the third down, but Connor Barth came in and bailed him out with a field goal. Seriously, too much pump-faking, I can't stop giggling. I'm legally old enough to drink this beer, I promise.

10:59, fourth quarter:
"TJ, you gotta lower your head, try to get that last couple yards. I know you're a quarterback and not a mobile guy, but ..."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ESPN busting TJ Yates' ass, even when he actually carries the ball for eight yards, will never get old.

we've got to beat Miami!

John Bunting is long gone from the Carolina sidelines, but the Heels still need to beat Miami today, if they have any hope of salvaging their season at all. In honor of that, I give you Beat Miami, a lovely piece of flash animation from News & Observer cartoonist Grey Blackwell.

My favorite part of this is the joke about Mack Brown, because it always makes me think of a mean-spirited joke about Matt Doherty (and I'm the last living Doherty apologist, too, this just always makes me laugh): what did Matt Doherty do that Mack Brown never managed? Made Carolina a football school.

Regardless: we've got to beat Miami today. 1-4 is just embarrassing.

I was going to make a joke about Steve Trachsel not making the playoff roster, but, well, Steve Trachsel. The joke writes itself.

We swear we're not dead, we're just busy engaging in the lifestyles of Yankees and Cubs fans during the post-season: that is to say, drinking heavily and ignoring the fact that there's baseball on the TV.


But in much better news: the ACC Basketball Handbook finally dropped and WWTHD? purchased a copy tonight while making a beer run at the Harris Teeter. It's a delightful little book, not in small part because our beloved blogsake is on the cover making a face like a demented walrus. Aside from dex. making appalled noises in the beer aisle over Memphis being ranked #1 over Carolina (John Calipari: #2 on the list of college coaches dex. wouldn't pee on if they were on fire, right after Rick Pitino and right before Rick Barnes), it's a satisfying book. I have reservations about the Tar Heels starting the season ranked so highly, with so many expectations heaped on them -- it's a hell of a lot farther to fall, for one thing -- but damn, it feels good to almost be back to basketball season.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go draw a mustache and goatee on the feature about Greg Paulus. We hear he was demoted from being a captain of the Duke team, and this pleases us immensely.

"The University of Richmond mascot is a spider."

I'm still kind of staggering from our nine hour drive home yesterday (thanks a pantsload, Richmond, you suck!) but I had to note that it was, in fact, Tom Glavine who shit the bed for the Mets yesterday. I've got nothing against the Mets in general -- David Wright and Jose Reyes, in particular, have been joys to watch this season -- but I loathe Tom Glavine with a fire so fierce that I can't even look at him on the TV. If he shows up on SportsCenter, we have to change the channel because otherwise I have rage blackouts and have to go lie down.


So I'm sorry that the Mets choked like little bitches, but the fact that Tom Glavine blew their final game of the season -- to the Marlins, no less -- is exactly what Mr. 1994 Strike NL Player's Rep deserved. Stick that in your playoff-less pipe and smoke it, Glavine, you douchebag.

In other news, we sat in front of an Orioles fan wearing a Notre Dame football jersey at the O's/Yanks game on Saturday night; in the middle of Danny Cabs' spectacular ten-run inning meltdown, I turned to him and said, "You're just not having a very good year, are you?" He said, very sadly, "Noooooooo." His buddy was in a USC jersey; that just seems cruel to me. Don't rub it in, Notre Dame fan's friend! Poor Notre Dame. I hope they go 0-12, it would be fucking hilarious.